Brian’s
Comments
(group member since Mar 05, 2019)
Brian’s
comments
from the Get Reviews! group.
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Stella -Good to hear from you. If you're ready to share your work, you've got a lot of options. Don't be surprised if you hear from our Moderator/Goddess Kat, or if she invites you to the next Round Robin exchange. I've been in the group for three or four years and have always found our members to respond to each other with sensitivity and insight.
Brian
Kat -A question from Klutzo. I tried to allow messages from anyone, but could not find the "settings" you referenced on either my author or message page. Where, pray tell, doth it reside?
Kat -Thanks for the heads up! Another sterling example of the people in charge knowing what's good for the rest of us. And I thought one of the main points of Goodreads was turning strangers into friends. Guess I'll have to work on being more paranoid.
Alex -Are you still out there? My schedule is starting to open up, and was wondering if you're still interested in a review swap. If so, you have the option of a chain review (which would be the best insurance against reciprocal reviews) or a round robin, which are generally easier to set up.
Either way, I'd be willing to offer up any of my four books for you to review and looking forward to reading yours. Just let me know where you're at and we can get things moving forward.
Brian
Alex -Welcome aboard! To be honest, the group hasn't been nearly as busy as we'd like the last few months, and it's great to see new blood being added to the punchbowl. (and how's that for a mixed metaphor?)
Your book premise sounds intriguing, and I especially admire the fact you've decide to set you tale in another era, which always presents more opportunities to add depth and ambience, along with more chances to screw things up.
I need to wrap up some other projects in the next couple of weeks, but would love to work with you on either a round robin or daisy chain review session. Feel free to check out my stuff on Amazon and best of luck on your latest project.
Brian
Kat -Glad to hear the latest is near. Congratulations!
As for your blurb, here's my take. I think it would be far more effective if you boiled it down to its essence. As it stands now, it reads more like a synopsis - a collection of plot points - rather than a pitch. So instead of an essay, make it a poem. Lay out the essential struggles of your two main characters. Don't explain them, bring them alive. The leaner you get, the more riveting, the more visceral, the more people you're going to hook. So keep it tight. Keep it focused. Be sparing with the facts. Remember you're selling tone, mood, not a sequence of events.
Hopefully this is of use.
Brian
A. M.I've been in the group for over a year, and whenever I write a review, I try to be as supportive and positive as possible.
If you want to see what kind of stuff I write, check out my author page on Author Central, or track down reviews on the daisy chain. If it sounds like we're on the same wavelength we could then decide where to take it from there.
Brian T. Marshall
I think that in any SF/Fantasy work the use of exotic lingo must be carefully calibrated. Most of your material, including dialog, is presented in English, which may not be strictly accurate, but sure does make things easier to comprehend. So any words that aren't translated (like ur) need to be preserved for a reason, usually because they apply to some exotic bit of xenoculture that has no Terran counterpart. Done right, the process can tantalize, but as Michael pointed out, it's definitely a balancing act. As for everything else, there's some great stuff there. The tone is perfect - slyly humorous without sounding arch - and unlike David, I did care what happened to the EggMan. If it turns out he's not that sympathetic, you might need a more likeable protagonist, but let's give the guy a while to show his true colors.
Always take the high road. The moment you consider "retaliating" is the moment you let someone else define who you are.The only legitimate reason to respond would be in the hope that by doing so you would prevent this individual from trying the same tactic with somebody else. But even this supposedly altruistic act could hide all sorts of self-serving motives.
So put down the spite, put down the anger, and slowly walk away.
Kathy -Finally getting a chance to chime in.
Like my two predecessors, I did feel you were in a hurry to provide as much explanation/back-story as possible. I think it would work better to salt the information a bit more judiciously over a longer period of time.
And much like Kathleen, I had the same thought about starting things with more of a bang. The fact that a brand-new form of space travel is being introduced should be put out there front and center. It could be a snatch of dialog ("How the hell can we be at Oasis already? We never even docked on Earth."), it could be Rafe's own thoughts, but somehow you have it make it immediately clear what a game-changer this development represents.
Anyhow, that's my two cents. Decimal points confuse me.
Thanks to both Michael and Kathy for the tips. I am already harassing strangers. If anything looks promising I'll let you know.
Hey -Thanks to all for the feedback. Now I'm stuck trying to whittle things down in a process that feels like rendering the Old Testament into haiku.
And I don't know if this is the appropriate forum for such a question, but does anyone have a line on a talented graphic artist who charges less than they're worth? A book cover is looming and I could definitely use a hand.
Greetings All!Is this thread still alive? Are people still out there? If so, I would like to tap your collective wisdom and get some feedback on a proposed blurb for my latest novel.
This would be an agent pitch rather than a back cover synopsis, but many of the same rules apply. Does it set the hook? Tell too much, not tell enough, or get things about right? Would you ask for the first 50 pages? Any help would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Brian
THE ILLUSIONAIRES
Imagine an Earth with a past much like ours, except that magic is real. Then imagine three eras, three memorable events, as they might play out in that world.
1938
For master Illusionist Richard Constairs, it’s finally time to face facts. Stage acts are dying. Hollywood is king. The movies are taking over. And so, with a young protégé in hand, he heads out to California, where cinematic special effects are now produced through sorcery, not science.
Once there, he discovers a world of intrigue, rife with studio corruption, where magicians have become a new underclass, toiling away in the shadows. Assigned to a landmark production, filming The Wizard of Oz, he meets a young Judy Garland, at war with her own demons. Can he ease her heartache? Can he face his own? And what dark evil, felt not seen, waits behind that emerald curtain?
1963
Constair’s protégé, Charles Overton, now runs Division 12, a covert branch of the CIA where magic is given free reign. A pacifist rebel, principled to a fault, Charlie’s powers match his persona; an invisible man who can walk right through walls and slip through the world unnoticed.
Only now he’ll face his toughest assignment. One that will test his ideals. An elaborate scheme to fake JFK’s death in a Dallas motorcade. With the aid of a Roma sorceress, he conjures up Kennedy’s double, only to realize that their creation harbors a soul of his own. A soul that Overton must sacrifice in order to save his country.
1969
Richard Constairs is dying, alone and forgotten. Haunted by his mistakes. And so he is driven to seek out his son, estranged from him since birth. A brilliant wunderkind working with NASA, Rand Livotski is facing his own crisis, a growing disenchantment with the Space Race itself, and the bitter Cold War that fuels it.
But it turns out his father doesn’t seek mere forgiveness. He requires his son’s special skills. Hopes that with Rand’s help he’ll pull off one last feat, and beat Apollo to the moon. They embark on an ill-fated trip to Egypt. Face setbacks at every turn. And all the while Rand finds himself caught in a balancing act. Saying no to a dream, and a dying man’s delusions, while saying yes to the one who dreamt it.
With its intricate plotting, lively pace, and delight in a phrase well-turned, The Illusionaires is a magical romp, with a world as imagined by Neil Gaiman, and brought to life by the Coen brothers.
Brian T. Marshall has been writing professionally for over twenty years. In addition to publishing three novels, he has contributed to numerous publications, journals and anthologies. He currently lives in Northern California’s Sierra foothills, and is Vice-President of the North State Writers.
Kathy -Thanks for clarifying things, and for letting me know that I'm not crazy, and this is indeed a portion of a screenplay. Given that set-up, here are some thoughts.
The use of upper case is good - an immediate tip-off to the reader. But I can't help wanting at least one more clue to set the parameters. "The screen is dark" alone might not cut it. Problem is, I don't have any concrete suggestions. Maybe skimming through some actual screenplays might yield inspiration.
Next up, it's the use of language. I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to the format, but I've always thought that most plays and screenplays use a concise, value-neutral vocabulary to set the scene and describe the action. But if you play by these rules, then some of the more lyrical and affecting material would have to be excised. So the question you need to ask yourself is which is ultimately more important - being faithful to your premise or grabbing your readers by the throat.
If you choose the former, you'll be stuck with having to somehow convey the characters' moods and motives through observable action alone. That old boogey-man, show don't tell. Another way to honor the format would be to have all dialog in break-out paragraphs prefaced by the characters' name. Though either technique might hamstring you, it might be one of those challenges that, in the long run, both make you a better author, and make the intro that much stronger.
Lastly, I'm curious as to whether or not you return to the screenplay at other points in the novel. Using such passages might lend an overall coherence to the MS, and provide an interesting tension between what would be a conventional first- or third-person narration and a "just the facts" screenplay format.
Hopefully this will be of some use. Sometimes the books that haunt us for years do so for a reason, and I admire your tenacity and faith in the writing process.
Kathleen -Some great stuff here. Very powerful, emotionally gripping, and a perfect set-up for whatever you have planned. But to be able to really critique this requires a better understanding what it is.
In you opening comments, you indicate this is part of a novel - a prolog? a preamble? - but it almost reads more like stage directions for a play or screenplay. The way you set the scene, describe the action, has a kind of raw, un-doctored immediacy that really grabs the reader. But at the same time you use some beautiful, lyrical language that doesn't quite mesh with this more restrained approach.
So, please, fill me in. Tell me what I'm reading. If I know your mission statement, what you're setting out to do, I could then give better feedback as to how well you're achieving your goals. But make no mistake - you're on to something special.
Kathy -Thanks for the input. Like I said, with the book involving three separate sections set in three different eras, I wanted each one to have its own flavor. For this first one I was hoping to capture the kind of quick, breezy vernacular exchanges you'd find in a Howard Hawks film, along with some of the inflated, theatrical speech patterns a performer might use. My intention wasn't to throw the reader, more to let her/him know they'd stepped into a different world. Whether I succeeded is of course a different matter.
Many thanks to all of you for your pithy, insightful comments. I'm already thinking of tweaks I can make to address your concerns.Perhaps this was foolish on my part, but I wanted the first chapter to be more than a little disorientating, so that the experience of the reader mirrors the confusion of the audience itself. As the story proceeds, a lot of the questions you had end up being answered.
I also wanted the narrative tone to reflect the setting and era. As a performer, our protagonist has perfected a wordy, inflated stage patter, and so I wanted the description of events to mimic his speech patterns and word choices.
Plus it was fun to write. And if you can't, as an author, keep yourself entertained, then good luck on snagging your readers.
Now that David's been first in the pool, I will give it a shot. And no Baby Ruths - I promise.The book is called the Illusionaires, and it's a three-part fantasy/alt. history with this first segment set in 1938.
1
The house lights dim. The curtains pull back. An empty stage is revealed.
A second passes, then two, then three. A murmur fills the hall. Next up it’s the chatter of programs, gripped in impatience, and a couple of coughs ringing out. And yes, of course, tricks were expected, but not this kind of trick, the transmutation of hard-earned cash into waiting for God knows what. Finally someone, a well-dressed man, exits from the third row, then hesitates as he reaches the aisle, contemplating his next move.
Find an usher? Inform the promoter? Each option is scrutinized. Until, all at once, he spins around, heading for the stage. The lip of the proscenium itself is a good five feet off the floor, but without a moment’s hesitation the man leaps into the air, only to land on his outstretched arms and then roll into a tumble. There’s an audible gasp—from a woman, it sounds like—one that catches the man off-guard, and what had been a moment of consummate grace ends in an ugly pratfall. For a second he lies there, splayed out on the stage, feeling the sting of comeuppance. Then, in a stiff-lipped show of resolve, he climbs back to his feet.
There is, however, a problem. His left arm is detached from his body.
He stares down at the severed limb. A child who’s acting naughty. Then he bends down, right arm extended, and both hands grip one another. There’s a playful moment of mano a mano, no clear winner in sight, which ends when the man attempts to return the lost limb back into the sleeve of his jacket. But wait. Another problem. A second arm has already sprouted. Is now emerging from the empty sleeve as a bulb breaks through the earth. Revealing a hint of annoyance, he glares at the renegade arm, then jams the stump atop his head, spoiling his perfect coif.
A man with an arm growing out of his head. A disquieting prospect at best. But that, of course, is his very intention, his modus operandi as it were; to delight and disturb in equal measures, to draw them in and then chase them away.
“Ladies and gentlemen and whatever else you may be, I am Richard Constairs.”
David -Have to run off in a few minutes, so I can't really do this justice. But I did have a thought in regards to the use of various past tenses to establish a clear time line.
How about if you simply delete those two opening sentences? To my mind, they don't contribute significantly to the story, but they do then prevent you from using a simple past tense in the remainder of the text. And I'm sorry to hear that my fellow country(wo)men are stirring up so much trouble, but I do agree that using the past perfect tense tends to add an unnecessary layer between the narration and the reader.
Other than that, my only potential quibble is in the overall tone. It's been years since I've read any Grimm, but I remember the writing being more austere, almost stark at times, and that very few attempts are made to convey the characters' inner thoughts. Since this is your own revised version, maybe using a friendlier, more contemporary narrative voice is appropriate, but I think if it were a little less cozy it might ultimately have more impact.
And yes, I'm curious as to how that little porker gets his well-deserved comeuppance.
