“Perhaps it started when, at the age of ten, I picked up a starfish by one of its arms…and soon found myself holding a single wiggling appendage. At the time, I didn’t know that starfish arms could regenerate. I believed I was a murderer. I fell to my knees and bellowed with horror. (CURSE YE, FORMIDABLE MIGHT! SUCH INNOCENCE…DESTROYED! DOES THIS MEAN I CAN PERMANENTLY SKIP GYM?)”