“I was fatherless. And that seemingly small part of my identity, in many ways, molded an orphan heart in me.
When I encountered love my orphan heart rejected it because it felt like the smartest thing to do. My philosophy was They will reject me, so I will reject them first. They don’t get to hurt me.
I did this often. I intended never to owe anyone a kindness I couldn’t pay back. I stayed ’out of the way.’ I did my best not to cost anyone anything.
I was suspicious of gifts. What do they want? What are they trying to pull? How are they trying to trap me?
I thought. I couldn’t imagine I was worth anyone’s time, money, pain, or inconvenience. I didn’t see myself as a blessing, so how could I trust in unconditional love? When you see yourself as a burden, nothing is free—especially love.”