“etc."
I have been searching for my self everywhere,
but I can’t find it!
I can’t even remember when exactly I lost it…
I search for it in everything I love and hate
in foreign and familiar cities
in all the kind, exhausted, and mean faces…
I search for my self near water springs and along river shores
On mountaintops and in the scent of wildflowers…
Between the branches of olive and fig trees,
but without any trace or hope…
I search in teacups, in the corners of old cafés
In songs and interludes…
In books
In the memories of everyone who ever knew me
Everyone I betrayed or was betrayed by…
I search in lines and sentences,
But all in vain…
I even search unsuccessfully in the sentences that list options,
including the examples and each “etc.” after each list of options…
I keep wondering how did I so quietly lose it?
And each time I ask the loved ones about my strong desire
to reunite with my lost self,
I realize they have no leads other than long and wide lists
of places, things, activities, individuals, and hobbies
where I may possibly “find” my self…
In each list they suggest, I find countless options
and countless lines ending with “etc.”
They don’t understand
that I have turned every rock and searched behind every “etc.”
And today I finally realized
That my self wasn’t from here,
and thus, it was never here…
That, all along, I have been searching for an illusion
that never existed…

[Original poem published in Arabic on March 11, 2024 at ahewar.org]”