“I’m so stressed that a weird Olympic-style commentary starts up in my head.
And here we have Zelah Green, the fourteen-year-old champion of rituals, attempting the
afternoon toilet-touching event for the first time …
I take my first faltering step towards the rim.
And she’s approaching the target, booms the voice. Steady approach, good footwork …
My right hand, naked and trembling, is now hovering over the inside of the toilet.
Will she set a new world record? screams the voice. Will Zelah Green take the gold medal for
bravery and/or total stupidity?
‘I’m going in!’ I say.
I skim the curved cool surface of the bowl with the fingertips of my right hand and jump back as if
I’ve been electrified.
And she’s done it! shrieks the commentator. Zelah Green wins the gold medal for toilet touching!”