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#1

“Never memorize something that you can look up.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: humor, science

11415 likes

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#2

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

tags: funny, humanity, humor

8868 likes

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#3

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

tags: humor, insanity, lies, lying, self-indulgence, truth

19787 likes

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#4

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

tags: crazy, men, stupid, truth, women

7638 likes

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#5

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain

tags: humor, politics

9108 likes

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#6

“So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.”
― Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

tags: books, humor, television

6847 likes

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#7

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen

tags: humor, life, sex

6559 likes

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#8

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

tags: death, humor, life

6727 likes

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#9

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
― Oscar Wilde

tags: creation, god, humor, man

6378 likes

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#10

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

tags: humor, idleness, inspirational

5361 likes

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#11

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”
― Terry Pratchett

tags: fantasy, humor, imagination, literature, stories

6659 likes

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#12

“Do your thing and don't care if they like it.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

4140 likes

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#13

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin

tags: fighting, humor, misattributed-george-carlin, peace, sex

4257 likes

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#14

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
― George Carlin

tags: humor

3902 likes

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#15

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin

3745 likes

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#16

“Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”
― Bill Watterson

tags: calvin-and-hobbes, humor

3635 likes

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#17

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
― Will Rogers

tags: enterprise, humor, inertia, inspirational

3590 likes

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#18

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
― George Carlin

tags: benediction, evil, goodwill, humor, inspirational, wishes

3519 likes

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#19

“Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.”
― Neil Gaiman

tags: humor, men, witchcraft, witches, women

3396 likes

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#20

“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”
― Terry Pratchett

tags: humor, life

3606 likes

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#21

“Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

tags: boys, hot, humor

3254 likes

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#22

“What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?”
― Charles M. Schulz

tags: cartoonist, humor, inspirational

3304 likes

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#23

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

tags: humor, metaphysics, physics, science

3506 likes

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#24

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
― George Carlin

tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, misattributed-george-carlin, stupidity

3541 likes

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#25

“Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.”
― George Bernard Shaw

tags: animals, attributed-no-source, friends, humor, vegetarianism

3092 likes

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#26

“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.”
― Robert Frost

tags: humor, poetry, religion

3237 likes

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#27

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
― Charles Lamb

2827 likes

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#28

“A friend said to me, “Hey you need to grow a pair. Grow a pair, Bro.” It’s when someone calls you weak, but they associate it with a lack of testicles. Which is weird, because testicles are the most sensitive things in the world. If you suddenly just grew a pair, you’d be a lot more vulnerable. If you want to be tough, you should lose a pair. If you want to be real tough, you should grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
― Sheng Wang

tags: feminism, humor, misattributed-betty-white

2845 likes

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#29

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”
― Charles M. Schulz

tags: humor, love

2524 likes

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#30

“If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.”
― Lemony Snicket

tags: humor

2538 likes

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