Malin Marr > Malin's Quotes

“She danced the way she always did, holding her body and arms still while her legs and feet sprang across the floor. When she was sober, her head remained stationary; when she was drunk, it nodded in time to the music. She always closed her eyes. She always wore the same, ecstatic smile. And I, always, watched in wonder.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“I looked at Emma and realised that she was grinning – actually grinning – directly at me. ‘Love you, Jamie,’ she said. I fought back a sudden prickling of tears, then told her that I loved her too. And for that moment, nothing more was required. It was, in its way, perfect. I felt safe, and strangely optimistic. My worries had disappeared, like rain on summer earth. I took a deep breath, savoured the feeling for a few seconds more. Then, with a final smile, I turned from the room, secure in the knowledge that even the most difficult times contained moments that made a person feel truly alive.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“I can’t stop my thoughts. I can’t stop comparing myself to others. I can’t stop looking at myself, both directly and in the mirror;”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“So, you’re happy with this arrangement, are you?’ Holly asked when I’d finished describing my first adventure with Hannah. We were sitting, as usual, on an ancient leather sofa by the front window of the café. ‘I mean, you do realise this girl has a boyfriend, don’t you?’ ‘So?’ I asked, grinning. ‘Why should that matter to me?’ ‘Because you fancy her.’ ‘What? No, I don’t fancy her.’ ‘Oh my god, Jamie, that’s such an obvious lie. You should see the way the two of you sit grinning at one another when you’re together. It’s like you’ve just discovered teeth.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“In the past few months, all these public exchanges, all the countless social dealings that made up the fabric of the day, had come to seem incredibly difficult. I tried desperately to fit in, but for the most part I was only physically present, attempting to match my facial expressions to the people around me while my mind drifted back to Emma in her hospital room.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“At a mere five feet seven inches, Dan was a head shorter than most of the boys. His body sagged slightly where their muscles rippled, his teeth were crooked where theirs gleamed, and his brown hair was thick and unruly where theirs shone. To judge solely from appearances, it was difficult to believe he’d been accepted into this prestigious little clique. But to judge from appearances was to ignore Dan’s quick wit and effortless charm. These were the characteristics that each of the boys aspired to, and the fact that Dan possessed them in such abundance was a constant source of fascination to them. No matter that he looked so freakishly average. His sense of humour and charisma were the benchmarks toward which the entire group was working, and few within the circle were held in higher esteem.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“by the time I climbed into bed I could already sense the first signs of panic. I’d lost count of how many times this had happened recently, how many times the thought of Emma had led my mind to places I didn’t want it to go. Bedtime was always the worst. I’d lay still for hours, waiting for sleep to take hold, but every time it did, a new wave of terror would wash over me and I’d be awake once more. I was superstitious about the scenes I imagined in those moments. Whenever I pictured something terrible, I had to shake my head and count to three; it was the only way I could stop it from really happening.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“I waited. For years I waited, hope never quite dead, for the situation to improve. In time, I told myself. Be patient, I told myself. It’ll happen, I told myself. It didn’t.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“Katie had soft features and a wide, honest smile that gave her a certain kind of understated grace. She’d worn her dark chocolate hair in a cute pixie cut when I’d met her, but she’d recently started to grow it out, and now fought endlessly with several unruly strands of hair that fell down over her eyes whenever she made the slightest move. She was charming and teasing and sweet and funny, and in the three months since her first visit even the most cynical of the hotel’s regular customers had fallen a little bit in love with her.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“For a girl without a job, or hobbies, or any kind of social life, Emma’s schedule was remarkably crowded. Dieting, walking, worrying, writing, exercising, surviving – all of these things ate into a day that might have offered endless possibilities had Emma not felt obliged to fill her great unfenced acres of spare time with the kind of trivial concerns and ridiculous compulsions that her doctors had been trying for years to clear from her head. This habit shone most brightly every Tuesday, when she took her place by the living-room window to await the arrival of her care team from Edinburgh. No matter what was going on around her or within her head, she arrived by the window on the stroke of noon every single week. The team never arrived before half past one.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“I made my way to the living room and sat down on the sofa. Hannah followed a moment later and sat down opposite me. She looked exhausted. ‘You look exhausted,’ I told her. ‘Thank you.’ ‘No, no, it’s not that you look bad,’ I said, backtracking. ‘You just look more tired than usual.’ ‘Mmm hmmm,’ said Hannah. ‘Not that you usually look tired.’ Hannah rolled her eyes. I decided I was talking too much and turned my attention to the pitiful collection of ‘80s music cassettes that she’d inherited when she moved into the apartment. Then I started talking again. ‘You know, you’re only one album away from owning Bananarama’s full back catalogue.’ I looked over to Hannah. She wasn’t laughing. That felt strange. She always laughed at my crappy music cassette jokes. I tried another.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“Emma had never sworn as a kid, but in the past few years she’d been confronted with the full ugliness of life and her childhood cries of darn it and blooming heck had been replaced with fuck and shit and all manner of other profanities. Mum and Dad had staged a few protests when they first heard her curse, but pretty soon they’d grown so used to it that they’d given up asking her to stop.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“Hands in pockets, he crossed the room and planted a kiss on Hannah’s cheek. He was standing only a foot from me, but kept his eyes firmly on Hannah, desperate to delay the moment he’d be forced to acknowledge my presence. To his credit, he gathered his wits about him pretty quickly; by the time he turned to face me, he’d even managed to nail a smile to his face. ‘And you are…?’ he asked. ‘James,’ I said, taking the hand he’d offered me. Even through his false cheer, I noticed him wince at the name. He gave my hand another couple of sharp pumps with his fist, then let it go and turned back to Hannah. He said something to her in German and she nodded guiltily, before mumbling something back. I couldn’t be certain, but it sounded like ‘fortified horse goblets’. It seemed like as good a time as any to join the conversation.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“Hannah leaned forward and reached for the dial. The radio hissed, shrieked and blasted a few bars of Mozart before finally settling on Radiohead’s Exit Music (for a Film). Hannah, delighted with her discovery, smiled and slumped back in her seat. She listened to Thom Yorke’s nasally vocals in silence for a couple of verses before joining in. Singing heartily and drumming away on her knees, she was like a ball of energy, and already I felt this energy permeating my own body. I felt as fresh and as happy as I’d been in months. Radiohead ended and became The Stone Roses, who in turn became The Killers. Finally, when they became the hourly news, Hannah rolled her eyes and turned off the radio.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“When I sat down on Gary’s sofa, Hannah climbed up from the carpet and cuddled in close to me. It felt like forever since I’d held her like that. I’d forgotten how comforting it was, how she always made me feel as if all the parts of me were finally in one place. Hannah rested one hand on my knee and the other on the back of my neck, her fingers playing idly with the ends of my hair. We passed several minutes in silence, before I turned to face her. ‘By the way,’ I said. ‘I think I might be in love with you.’ Hannah stared at me. ‘You think?’ I placed my face so close to hers that her features became indistinct, and I began to lose myself in them.  ‘Actually,’ I whispered. ‘I’m pretty sure of it. I just didn’t want to freak you out.’ ‘Oh, Mister. You should know me better than that by now.’ Hannah said. ‘I probably should, huh?’ Hannah nodded, stared at me a moment longer. Then, smiling gently, she pressed her head into my chest and kissed my neck, my cheek, my lips. And told me she loved me, too.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“I started to tell the story, but everything had happened so quickly that it was hard to remember – it was like a terrible dream, the kind you can only remember parts of. By the time I’d finally managed to put all the facts together, my glass was empty and my head was sore. ‘The thing is,’ I told her, ‘I spend each day waiting, hoping for it to get better, but it just… it never does. And it’s hard, you know? I wish I knew what to do.’ Katie laid a hand on mine. ‘Well, for one thing, I think you need to look after yourself.’ ‘Me?’ I said. ‘No, no, I’m okay. Really I am.’ ‘You’re not. Look at yourself. Look at the weight you’re carrying. You’re exhausted.’ ‘Well…’ I looked down at my glass, breathing deeply to stop the tears from falling. ‘It’s hard to know what to do about that.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“Hannah sighed heavily, then stood up and brushed the sand from her skirt. Turning towards her, I noticed the heart she’d drawn by our feet and blew out my breath. ‘We really don’t make things easy for ourselves, do we?’ I said. Hannah looked at me and smiled gently. ‘If life was easy, then where would all the adventures be?”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“I felt a guilty flutter in my stomach. True, I’d spent the past three months competing with Christian for Hannah’s affections. But it had been a fair fight, and I’d never once held a thing against him, never once wished to see him hurt. Now, at the end of it all, he’d been hurt terribly, and as I pictured him, heartbroken and alone in some airport or hostel, I felt sorry beyond words.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“Holly turned back towards me. ‘So, I guess this means you’re well and truly together?’ she asked. When I nodded, she gave an irritating little roll of the eyes, which Steve immediately intercepted. ‘Well, if you ask me,’ he said, ‘you could do a lot worse than Hannah.’ ‘Has done a lot worse,’ Dan corrected. ‘Did I say he hadn’t?’ Holly asked, at which point we all turned our heads to face her. This was unexpected. ‘What?’ Holly said. ‘Jesus, guys. I’m not saying I’ll ever be friends with the girl, but you have to hand it to her – James is finally smiling again for the first time in forever. I suppose she deserves at least some credit for that.’ ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘Thanks Holly.’ ‘Oh, don’t get all soppy, James,’ Holly grumbled. ‘I still think she’s a twat.’ I wished she hadn’t said that. It kind of ruined the moment.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“The doctors say that it will take me a long time to get over this illness. But I don’t want to get over it. I want to turn the clocks back to a time before it, when all the future was sunny. Then I could do it all again, but do it right. There’d be no illness, no need to find the courage it takes to recover. For I know I don’t have that courage within me, and I know I never will. The doctors disagree, of course. They tell me I don’t need to go back to move forward, to stop dwelling on the past and concentrate on what’s ahead. They make it sound so simple. But what do they know? Seriously, what do they know? They break my heart.”
― Andy Marr, Hunger for Life

“I’ve come close enough a few times to know there’s no good way to go. Some ways are better than others, of course, but however it happens, the end result will always be the same. I guess all you can do is try to be happy and make the most of your days, so when the time comes, the people you leave behind can rest happy knowing you lived your best life.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“It’s not an act of bitterness. It’s an act of self-preservation. There’s simply no way to carry on with my life as it is now if I have to remember how much better things used to be.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“It burns the roof of my mouth, but I don’t mind. It’s a relief to feel something palpable, something immediate and aching to distract me from everything else, even if it’s only for a moment.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“So, how are you enjoying London?’ she asks me.
‘Oh, it’s fine,’ I tell her, ‘Despite being noisy and polluted, and chock-full of pigeons with warty feet.’
Emma grimaces. ‘Doesn’t sound so good.’
‘No. They get infections, from all those hours standing in their own crap. Still, they seem happy enough, so whatever.’
Emma bites her lip, stifling a smile. ‘I meant your life there generally.’
‘Oh! Well, that’s not so bad. I mean, it’s not perfect but, you know, I’m alright. I have my home. And my health.’
‘And your feet,’ Emma says, helpfully.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“Well,’ my mother says the next day as I arrive by her bedside with a fresh pot of tea. ‘What should we do?’

I look at her, puzzled. ‘Do?’ Until now, I thought we’d spend our time together doing very little, or nothing at all, and that I’d be miserable, although I’d hide it and deny it. I imagined, in other words, that we’d see one another, as we always have, across a divide.

‘The rain seems to be holding off for now,’ my mother continues, glancing out of her window. ‘Perhaps we could take a walk in the garden?’

‘You think you can walk?’

‘No. But there’s a wheelchair on the back porch. Do you feel fit enough to push me around?’

‘Well,’ I say, brightly. ‘That would certainly make a nice change.’

My mother snaps her head around and glowers at me. Confused, I replay the final lines of conversation in my head, then panic. ‘No, no,’ I say, backtracking. ‘I meant a nice change from being holed up in the bedroom.’

My mother continues to regard me with her penetrating stare. ‘Of course, you did,’ she says, drily.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“It’s been a decade or more since I set eyes on Daryll, and it’s immediately clear that the intervening years have been less than kind to him. He’s prematurely stooped, with a ruddy complexion and a nest of black hair that’s going thin at the crown. His once-proud nose has been broken at least once, its bulbous tip stained with a frantic network of purple veins that run through his skin like rivers. But then he’s three inches taller than me, and at least six inches bulkier all round, so in some ways he’s actually rather impressive, a sort of angry bulldozer on legs.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“Daryll gives me the once over, as though it would be a waste of eyesight to look at me twice. ‘Who’s this?’ he asks Emma.

‘It’s Tom,’ I say, standing up from my chair. ‘Tom Halliday. We were at school together back in –’

‘I know who you are,’ Daryll says, leaving me to wonder why he bothered asking in the first place.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“He reaches out and lays a hand gently on my shoulder. ‘You were always a good pal, Tom.’

‘Yeah, well. Right back atcha.’ I give Mike’s knee a friendly squeeze, then turn my head towards him, and he looks so intensely grateful for the compliment I’ve just paid him that my heart almost breaks. But I’m happy, too – happy beyond measure, really – and as we sit side by side, staring out at the glowing Milky Way, I’m filled with a sense of companionship that’s been missing from my life for so long that it feels almost alien to me.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“So, is this par for the course right now?’ I ask, when I’ve found my breath again.

‘The complaining?’ Rose asks, and blows out her cheeks. ‘Honestly, it’s relentless. Last weekend, he screamed for half the morning because there was a bump in his socks. Yesterday, he had an hour-long tantrum because the sausage kept falling out of his sandwich.’

‘It can’t always be like this.’

‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Truly, I can understand those mothers who get arrested for throwing their kids against a wall.’

I give her a look.

‘I’m not saying I’d do it, but I can understand the impulse. You just want to stop all the noise.’

‘I wouldn’t share that thought with anyone else if I were you.’

Rose laughs. ‘I know, I’m sorry. I’m just thinking out loud.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death

“The village hall is already packed by the time we arrive. Myreton’s local band, the appropriately-named Unbeerables, is on stage, playing covers of old rock songs, as they have at every party for the past thirty years, to a handful of spectacularly uninterested men in varying stages of intoxication. Right now, they’re about half-way through Bohemian Rhapsody, and while it’s not a song generally associated with Halloween, the way they’re murdering the operatic passage really is genuinely shocking, so credit where credit’s due, I suppose.”
― Andy Marr, A Matter of Life and Death