Zac C > Zac's Quotes

“So many books, so little time.”
― Frank Zappa

“The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast, real fast, and if you’re not careful it’s too late. Of course, the young man will never understand this truth.”
― Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story

“A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
― Norm Macdonald

“The plain truth is that Adam Eget is an alcoholic and that’s why he doesn’t drink. Me, I’m not an alcoholic and that’s why I do drink. Life sure is funny that way.”
― Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story

“That’s where I found him, making a living underneath the Queensboro Bridge, jerking off punks for fifteen dollars a man.”
― Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story

“How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?”
― Norm Macdonald

“Earlier this week, Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live, among them that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology and announced that Brando is now free to work again.”
― Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story

“Now that all hope is gone, a deep relief has taken its place, and I allow myself to enjoy it before the despair sets in.”
― Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story

“an addiction is a deep hook, and sometimes the harder you wriggle to escape her, the deeper she goes.”
― Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story

“And you’d correct him, but the thing is, you’re not sure you remember it a hundred percent accurately yourself. It turns out your memory isn’t the precise court stenographer you think it is, getting every word down just so. It’s more like the sketch artist way at the back of the courtroom who is doing his level best to capture images that no longer are.”
― Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story

“I'll admit that I'm deeply closeted, but I'll never admit that I'm gay.”
― Norm Macdonald

“It's true what they say. Never meet your heroes. It turns out they're all a bunch of fucking assholes. They're probably the reason you turned into such a fucking asshole - because they were your heroes and you spent all your time trying to be like them.”
― Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story: A Memoir

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”
― Mark Twain

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan

“I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Everything in moderation, including moderation.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
― Leo Tolstoy

“If you look for perfection, you'll never be content.”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

“Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

“When you love someone, you love the person as they are, and not as you'd like them to be.”
― Leo Tolstoy

“Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it.”
― Leo Tolstoy, A Confession

“If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war.”
― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Narcotics Anonymous

“If a man does not have sauce, then he is lost. But the same man can get lost in the sauce.”
― Gucci Mane

“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”
― Voltaire

“Let us cultivate our garden.”
― Voltaire, Candide

“What is history? The lie that everyone agrees on...”
― Voltaire

“Perfect is the enemy of good.”
― Voltaire