Chris Nelson > Chris's Quotes

“I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
― Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope

“In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I hate writing, I love having written.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker

“Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa.”
― Dorothy Parker

“What fresh hell is this?”
― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.”
― Dorothy Parker, You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker

“If I didn't care for fun and such,
I'd probably amount to much.
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.”
― Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."

[Women Know Everything!]”
― Dorothy Parker

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.”
― Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns

“She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”
― Dorothy Parker

“And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer, I, for all I learned.”
― Dorothy Parker, Sunset Gun: Poems

“Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!”
― Dorothy Parker

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.”
― Dorothy Parker

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.”
― Dorothy Parker, Here Lies: The Collected Stories of Dorothy Parker

“Time doth flit; oh shit.”
― Dorothy Parker

“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
― Dorothy Parker

“I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money.”
― Dorothy Parker

“A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.”
― Dorothy Parker

“The sun's gone dim, and the moon's gone black. For I loved him, and he didn't love back.”
― Dorothy Parker

“His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

A: You can't hear an enzyme.”
― Dorothy Parker