Bill White > Bill's Quotes

“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”
― Thomas A. Edison

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
― Steven Wright

“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
― Lily Tomlin

“Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get”
― W.P. Kinsella

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
― Elbert Hubbard

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
― Woody Allen

“ The Paradoxical Commandments

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.”
― Kent M. Keith, The Silent Revolution: Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council

“She's kind of a walking poem, she's this perfect beauty...but at the same time very deep, very smart.”
― Johnny Depp

“That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”
― Garrison Keillor

“I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.”
― Garrison Keillor

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
― Mark Twain

“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”
― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

“Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”
― W.C. Fields

“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
― Yogi Berra

“I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.”
― Ron White

“You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.
Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’
And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’
So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.”
― Chris Rock

“The harder I work, the luckier I get.”
― Samuel Goldwyn

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
― Charles Lamb

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
― Robert Frost

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby

“People annoy the crap out of me," he says. "I think people are nervous and loud and rude and selfish and stupid pretty much all the time."
[...]
"If they're beautiful they know it, so they don't bother having a personality or associating with people that don't fit into their league or can't afford their company. And, somehow these people are the most popular, which makes absolutely no sense. People try so hard to be accepted, they turn into a walking stereotype. They're pathetically easy to predict. They're insecure and try to mask it with whatever product corporate America is currently making and they always let you down. Just give them enough time, and they will."
[...]
"I think everyone's caught up in these narrow-minded worlds and they think their world exists in the center of the universe. Relationship only happen when it's convenient. You have to walk on eggshells for people because that's how strong they are these days. And you can't confront people, because if you do, that brittle shell of confidence will crack. So we all become passive cowards that carry a fake smile wherever we go because God forbid you let your guard down long enough for people to see your life isn't perfect. That you have a few flaws. Because who wants to see that?”
― Katie Kacvinsky, First Comes Love

“Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

“If I listened to your advice, I'd be making your mistakes instead of my own.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Christmas Eve at Friday Harbor