Heather Hodges > Heather's Quotes

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”
― George Carlin

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
― George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
― George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
― George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
― George Carlin

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. ”
― George Carlin, George Carlin Reads to You: An Audio Collection Including Recent Grammy Winners Braindroppings and Napalm & Silly Putty

“A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.”
― George Carlin

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
― George Carlin

“Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
― George Carlin

“I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”
― George Carlin

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
― George Carlin

“It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
― George Carlin

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”
― George Carlin

“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”
― George Carlin

“People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
― George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”
― George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
― George Carlin

“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”
― George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
― George Carlin

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
― Mark Twain

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Always do whatever's next.”
― George Carlin