Steve Willis > Steve's Quotes

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
― Mark Twain

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
― George Carlin

“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”
― Napoleon Bonaparte

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
― Mark Twain

“If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
― Jon Stewart

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”
― George Carlin

“The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment

“When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."

Can it think?"

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

What's it for?"

It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

You are a genius, " said the angel.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”
― Erma Bombeck, When God Created Mothers

“TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.”
― Douglas Coupland, JPod

“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.”
― Harlan Ellison

“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.”
― George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
― George Carlin

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
― Groucho Marx

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.”
― Ronald Reagan

“Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”
― Charles Schultz

“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.”
― George F. Will

“Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. ”
― Pete Seeger

“From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
― Colleen Hoover, Point of Retreat

“I quote others only in order the better to express myself.”
― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

“EARLY BIRD
Oh, if you’re a bird, be an early bird
And catch the worm for your breakfast plate.
If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--
But if you’re a worm, sleep late.”
― Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.”
― Steve Martin

“Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.”
― Sue Grafton

“Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
― Isaac Asimov

“We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.”
― Jim Butcher, Grave Peril

“What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.”
― Mark Twain

“Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”
― Mark Twain, Christian Science