Kathy > Kathy's Quotes

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
― Steven Wright

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
― Steven Wright

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”
― Steven Wright

“What is the speed of dark?”
― steven wright

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
― Steven Wright

“I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”
― George Carlin

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”
― Steven Wright

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”
― Steven Wright

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
― Steven Wright

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
― Steven Wright

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”
― Steven Wright

“Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!”
― George Carlin

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”
― Steven Wright

“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.”
― George Carlin

“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”
― George Carlin

“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
― George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
― George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
― George Carlin

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”
― George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
― George Carlin

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
― George Carlin

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”
― George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
― George Carlin

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
― George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
― George Carlin

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
― George Carlin

“I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
― A. Whitney Brown

“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”
― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright