Turtle Kaufenberg > Turtle's Quotes

“Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?”
― Kathy Reichs, Virals

“An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps”
― Kathy Reichs, Virals

“You'll start talking, and pretty soon we'll all start nodding, and then the next thing you know, I'm hang gliding off the Eiffel Tower at night, being chased by ninja vampires”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“Let's do it. Monkeys are always funny. You pretty much can't go wrong with a monkey, right? Hi paused. Well unless that monkey wants you dead, or does needle drugs or something. Then it's wrong, and a bad monkey.”
― Kathy Reichs, Virals

“I can't believe you jokers fixed it." Hi was picking his way down to the beach.

"Believe it, clown. Too much brain power here to fail." Still pumped, Shelton threw another palm Ben's way.

"Oh, I'm sure." Hi streched, yawned. "It was something highly technical, I suppose? Something requiring mechanical ability? Nothing as simple as tightening a wire or flippin a switch, right?"

Ben reddened. Shelton developed an intrest in his sneakers.

Score one for Hi.”
― Kathy Reichs, Virals

“We did just leave an insane asylum,” Hi agreed. “For all we know, Chance spend his nights dancing naked with sock puppets, plotting to invade Canada.”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“Whitney smacked Coop's snout while simultaneously pressing herself deeper into the couch. Coop fixed her with an unblinking ice-blue stare, gray-brown fur bristling along his spine.
"Tory!" Whitney squealed. "He's going to attack!"
"Maybe." I walked into the kitchen and snagged a Diet Coke from the fridge. "Try to protect your throat.”
― Kathy Reichs, Code

“God help anyone who messes with the Virals!”
― Kathy Reichs, Virals

“Tory a father isn’t supposed to fear his fourteen-year-old daughter. That being said, you terrify me.”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“Ahh! Lady Pillows. So much fluffier than mine.” He took a giant whiff. “Why does everything girlie smell so delightful?” “Because we acknowledge the importance of basic hygiene. And periodically clean our bathrooms.” “Brilliant. I should write that down. After all, it takes a village.”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“I’m adding ‘canine’ to my searches,” I said. “And ‘instinct.’” “Whatever. I’m adding ‘lunatic.”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“Observing Ben’s struggle, Hi scratched his chin. Glanced at me. Shrugged. Then he quietly slipped around behind Ben. And, without ceremony, kicked him in the ass. Hard”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“Hey, check this weirdo out." Hi was inspecting a bust on the mantel. "This face is ninety percent eyebrow. What do you want to bet he owned slaves?"

Scowling to match the carving's expression, Hi spoke in a gravelly voice. "In my day, we ate the poor people. We had a giant outdoor grill, and we cooked up peasant steaks every Sunday."”
― Kathy Reichs, Code

“Im studying jerkoffs in the wild," Ben answered dryly. "This seemed like a good chance to view one up close.”
― Kathy Reichs, Code

“Ben yanked Hi sideways as spikes snapped from the wall…Once again, only Ben’s reflexes had saved him. “Please stop doing that!” Ben barked. “Please keep doing that!” Hi warbled.”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“Hiram!' Shelton ran to Hi's side. 'Aren't you you bleeding? I thought she shot you!'
'Red wine. When I saw it running everywhere, I played dead.' He winced as Shelton poked his belly. 'But I'm not leaping off any more shelves. That was pretty stupid.”
― Kathy Reichs

“So what's the plan?” Ben asked.

“Go inside. Look around. Improvise.”

“Brilliant." Hi stroked his chin. “Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories?”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“Ella finished her burger and dug into a side of fries. Hi watched, enraptured.
She couldn't help but notice. “Would you like one?”
“What? Sure.” Hi smiled, made no move.
After a moment, Ella nudged the bowl his way. “Careful, they're still hot.”
“Oh, no problem.” Hi fumbled for a fry. “I like food that's hot.”
I caught Shelton slowly shaking his head.
“Oh, shoot!” Ella winced. “I forgot to stop by the office. My mother had to drop off my shin guards.” She slid her fries over to Hi. “Enjoy. They're hot, which apparently you like.”
“Got that right. Hot hot hot!” Hi awkwardly shoved another fry into his mouth.
“Okay, wow.” Ella gathered her things, then brushed my cheek with a kiss. “Later, Tor.” Shouldering her bag, she hurried from the cafeteria.
A loud thunk drew my attention back to the table.
Hi's forehead was resting on his tray. “Tell me that wasn't as bad as I think.”
“Worse,” Shelton said. “So, so much worse.”
Then head rose, then thunked back down. “I don't remember parts. I think I lost time.”
I patted his shoulder. “That's probably for the best.”
“Such.” Thunk. “A.” Thunk. “Dumbass.” Thunk.
Shelton laughed nervously. “See? That's why I don't talk.”
Hi's face shot up. “Tell her I have brain seizures. A serious medical condition. Or that I have an evil twin who sometimes takes my place, but can't talk for crap.”
“Got it," I promised. His head dropped once more.”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“Most Bolton students were scions of the city's wealthiest families. My crewe stuck out like hooker at church. We werent part of their pampered, priveliged world, and many of our classmates were quick to remind us of that fact. Taunting the "boat kids" was practically a varsity sport.”
― Kathy Reichs, Code

“Static cackled from the cafeteria speaker. A bored female voice come on. “Victoria Brennan, please report to the headmaster's office. Victoria Brennan to the headmaster's office.”

Classmates glanced our way. Whispers sprang up around me.

“Not good.” Shelton was reaching for his earlobe.

“Tell them you have amnesia,” Hi said. “Or dementia. Pretend you're Joan of Arc.”

“Thanks for the support, guys. If I'm not back for class, look for my body in the harbor.”

Hiram's hand flew up. “I call her iTunes collection. Shelton can have the mutt.”

“Nice.”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“Move along,” Hines said. “Last room down.”

I spotted a fish tank halfway down the aisle. Dug into my pocket.

“Hi,” I whispered. “Distraction in five. Four. Three...”

I broke off as we neared the tank.

Hi spun. “Yo, warden. When do we eat around here? I'm hypoglycemic, plus I've got a hernia. And rabies simplex D. Basically, I need a ton of pills or my arms will fall off.”

“Boy, you're on my last nerve.”

As Hines glared at Hiram, I palmed the flash drive and dumped it into the fish tank. The yellow-and-black rectangle tumbled to the bottom.

So long, friend. Let's hope Shelton's email went through.

“It's a cultural thing,” Hi was saying. “I think you're being very insensitive.”

Hines snorted. “Do you want me to cuff you?”

“Kinda.”

“Hi.” I nodded.”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“She's using you to get to me," Hi said confidently. "Both of them. They've caught Hiram fever."
I nodded. "Of course. It all makes sense now.”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“That's just stupid, Tory! Quit being so damn stubborn!”

“Not a chance! You've got some kind of death wish! We can't even trust our power lately. They're too erratic for a public heist.”

Ben thumped the steering wheel in frustration. “Maybe for you.”

I glowered at Ben from the backseat. I'd given Hi shotgun, having sensed this argument was inevitable. I didn't want to be close. The urge to slap might become overpowering.

“Why don't we all use our friendly words?” Hi suggested. “Let's take five, and everyone can say something we like about each other. I'll start. Shelton, you're super at——”

“Shut up, Hi!” Ben and I shouted, the first thing we'd agreed upon all morning.”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“You three looking for something specific?” Her voice was surprisingly melodious.
“Any sacrificial knives?” Hi raised an index finger. “Nothing too fancy, and I'll need a no-slip grip. Me and the coven have some goats lined up for Saturday's bonfire.”
I could've kicked him. I think I tried.”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“Hi's nose was pressed to his window. “I've changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I'm keeping this on file.”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“Hi, already doused, was nonchalant. “Did the bad Indian throw you in the water, boy?” Taking a knee, he ruffled Coop’s ears. “Been there.”
Hi was referring to Ben’s claim of ties to the Sewee, a North American clan folded into the Catawba tribe centuries ago. He’d even named his boat Sewee.
“I feel your pain,” Hi continued. “Thanksgiving was a huge mistake.”
Coop licked Hi’s face.
“Not nice,” I joked. “You’ll sour Jewish-Sewee relations.”
“It’s true, I take it back,” Hi said. “Our peoples have a rich history of mutual respect. Long live the alliance!”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“I rolled my eyes. “Kit is looking for a job in Nova Scotia.”
“Canada?” Despite everything, Hi chuckled. “Have a good time, eh? Don’t fight with any moose. Meese. Whatever.”
“Shut up.” Against all expectation, I giggled. At least I had my friends.”
― Kathy Reichs, Seizure

“Where is the dog tag you found?”
“What?” Shelton yipped. “We…lost it.”
“Where?”
“In the woods. After we ran.”
“Where in the woods? Ran from what?”
“Oh, uh…Tory dropped the tag when we ran from…whatever.”
“From whatever?” Hi hammered. “Did you see men with guns or not?”
“Um, no. I guess not.”
“You guess?”
“It was dark.” Shelton struggled. “I realize now that nobody was there.”
“Then what did you hear?”
“Uh, er…pops. Like sticks breaking?”
Shelton’s responses were growing increasingly feeble.
“How many? From which direction?”
“Lots. Like, from everywhere.”
Hi’s eyebrows shot up. “You heard ‘lots’ of ‘pops like sticks’ coming from everywhere? That’s your story?”
“Wait, no, not everywhere. From the…left?”
― Kathy Reichs, Virals

“Moments later, Hawfield walked in. He wasn't alone.

“You've got to be kidding!” Hi blurted.

Carmine Corcoran's scowl was as deep as ever. He'd lost a few pounds, but was still a large man, with muttonchop sideburns and a bristly black mustache. His hair was graying at the temples, making him appear more distinguished than his forty-five years merited.

Ruth popped the back of her son's head. “Mind your manners, Hiram.”

“Why does everyone do the?” Hi muttered. “And child abuse. In front of the police, I might add.”
― Kathy Reichs, Exposure

“Ben sighed loudly. “Can you help Tory or not?”
Jason’s cool slipped a notch. “If you don’t need anything, why are you here?”
“I’m studying jerkoffs in the wild,” Ben answered dryly. “This seemed like a good chance to observe one up close.”
― Kathy Reichs, Code