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#1

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, infinity, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe

148423 likes

#2

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, "Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ

tags: automobile, car, funny, humor, religious

8922 likes

#3

“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you really are.”
― H.N. Turteltaub, The Sacred Land

tags: misattributed-cassandra-clare, misattributed-jace

10652 likes

#4

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

9412 likes

#5

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld

tags: books, funny

4022 likes

#6

“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir

tags: funny, golda, meir, true

3531 likes

#7

“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

tags: boggs, finnick, funny, humour, hunger-games, katniss, mockingjay, odair, suzanne-collins, witty

9271 likes

#8

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

tags: crime, funny, humour

1540 likes

#9

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby

tags: funny

2944 likes

#10

“Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

tags: bat, funny, team, truck

908 likes

#11

“Don’t put your wand there, boy!” roared Moody. “What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” “Who d’you know who’s lost a buttock?” the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly. “Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!” growled Mad-Eye. “Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore . . .” He stumped off toward the kitchen. “And I saw that,” he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

tags: funny, wizards

2039 likes

#12

“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

tags: harry-potter, humor, james-potter, remus-lupin, sirius-black, snape, wormtail

10347 likes

#13

“Don't talk to me."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

tags: ferret-malfoy, harry-potter, humor, ron-weasley

5220 likes

#14

“Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
"Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

tags: albus-potter, fame, harry-potter, humor, ron-weasley

5017 likes

#15

“Well?" Ron said finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?"
Harry considered it for a moment. "Wet," he said truthfully.
Ron made a noise that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell.
"Because she was crying," Harry continued heavily.
"Oh," said Ron, his smile faded slightly. "Are you that bad at kissing?"
"Dunno," said Harry, who hadn't considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. "Maybe I am.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

tags: dating, harry-potter, kiss, love, ron-weasley

1643 likes

#16

“An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can’t have.... Are you sure?"
"Yes I’m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?"
"Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow..."
"I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

tags: harry-potter, humor, malfoy, ron-weasley, snape, unbreakable-vow

2723 likes

#17

“Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

tags: dursley, harry-potter, humor, news, sarcasm

3713 likes

#18

“So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”
“Don’t talk to your mother like that.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

tags: epithet, harry-potter, humor, ron-weasley

837 likes

#19

“Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

847 likes

#20

“Who're you going with, then?" said Ron.
"Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
"What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?"
"Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
"What?" She called back.
"Want to come to the ball with me?"
Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.
"All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
"There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

tags: dance, dating, harry-potter, humor, weasley

1369 likes

#21

“Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

571 likes

#22

“Hermione drew herself to her full height; her eyes were narrowed and her hair seemed to crackle with electricity.
"No," she said, her voice quivering with anger, "but I will write to your mother.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

tags: fred-and-george, harry-potter, hermione-granger

567 likes

#23

“I wish...I wish I were dead...”
“And what use would that be to anyone?”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

tags: death, harry-potter, severus-snape, stress, wish

948 likes

#24

“These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."
Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail."
"I was referring to the Bible."
Faukman cringed. "I knew that.”
― Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code

tags: harry-potter, holy-grail, humor

602 likes

#25

“What are you doing with all those books anyway?" Ron asked, limping back to his bed.
"Just trying to decide which ones to take with us," said Hermione. "When we're looking for the Horcruxes."
"Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library".”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

tags: books, packing

956 likes

#26

“I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night," said Ron. "What d'ya think that's gonna mean?"
"Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

1476 likes

#27

“Rita looked as though she would have liked nothing better than to seize the paper umbrella sticking out of Hermione's drink and thrust it up her nose.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

tags: harry-potter, hermione-granger, rita-skeeter

300 likes