Quotes - Hailey Bishop (The United States) Showing 1-30 of 51

#1

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, infinity, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe

#2

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: funny

5183 likes

#3

“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”
― Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes

tags: funny

2999 likes

#4

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

tags: classic-insult, funeral, funny, humor

7635 likes

#5

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

tags: funny, humanity, humor

8864 likes

#6

“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir

tags: funny, golda, meir, true

3531 likes

#7

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby

tags: funny

2945 likes

#8

“It's not because I want to make out with her."
Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny

4074 likes

#9

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

tags: funny, humour, infidelity, parenthood, parenting, sexuality

2192 likes

#10

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin

3744 likes

#12

“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”
― Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness

tags: antipathy, dislike, funny, hatred

2373 likes

#13

“I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”
― Jon Stewart

tags: canada, funny

703 likes

#14

“She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse

tags: funny, humor

1094 likes

#15

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
― Steven Wright

tags: first, funny, skydiving

901 likes

#16

“Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."
Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"
Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.”
― Orson Scott Card

tags: advent-rising, funny, humour, stupid

809 likes

#17

“The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.”
― Rachel Vincent, Stray

tags: funny

567 likes

#18

“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

312 likes

#19

“But that quickly faded, and he frowned. "You're bleeding," he said. "What happened?"
Claire sighed and held up her wrist to show him the bandage. "Man, you would be so embarrassed if I said it was something else." Michael looked blank. "I'm a girl, Michael, it could have been all natural, you know. Tampons?”
― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

tags: funny, morganville-vampires

520 likes

#20

“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK. ”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

450 likes

#21

“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

tags: funny, silly-chinese-canadian-baby-man

2816 likes

#22

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
― Groucho Marx

tags: funny, simplicity

680 likes

#23

“I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

372 likes

#24

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
― Lily Tomlin

tags: funny, goals-in-life, humor, inspirational, wish

826 likes

#25

“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

302 likes

#26

“It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

482 likes

#27

“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

1272 likes

#28

“I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

197 likes

#29

“I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse."
"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse."
"I am your loyal servant and I just did."
"Refusal means death."
"Kill me then.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

tags: funny, humor, marriage

820 likes

#32

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
― George Carlin

tags: euphemism, funny, humor, terminology, war

804 likes

#33

“Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.”
― Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World

tags: funny, sookie-eric

321 likes

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