Kate > Kate's Quotes

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”
― Steven Wright

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”
― Steven Wright

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”
― Steven Wright

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
― Steven Wright

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
― Steven Wright

“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”
― Steven Wright

“How can there be self-help groups?”
― Steven Wright

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”
― Steven Wright

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”
― Steven Wright

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”
― Steven Wright

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
― Steven Wright

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”
― Steven Wright

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
― Steven Wright

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”
― Steven Wright

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”
― Steven Wright

“I'm a peripheral visionary.”
― Steven Wright

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”
― Steven Wright

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”
― Steven Wright

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”
― Steven Wright

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”
― Steven Wright

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
― Steven Wright

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”
― Steven Wright

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”
― Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
― Steven Wright

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”
― Steven Wright