Tom > Tom's Quotes

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
― Woody Allen

“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”
― Woody Allen

“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”
― Woody Allen

“Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.”
― Woody Allen

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”
― Woody Allen, The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader

“It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.”
― Woody Allen

“Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”
― Woody Allen

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”
― Woody Allen

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.”
― Woody Allen, Annie Hall: Screenplay

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.”
― Woody Allen

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
― Woody Allen

“If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”
― Woody Allen

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”
― Woody Allen

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”
― Woody Allen, Hannah and Her Sisters

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
― Woody Allen

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”
― Woody Allen

“I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.”
― Woody Allen

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
― Woody Allen

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
― Woody Allen

“There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
― Woody Allen

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
― Woody Allen

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”
― Woody Allen

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”
― Woody Allen

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”
― Woody Allen

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”
― Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
― Woody Allen

“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
― Woody Allen

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”
― Woody Allen

“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”
― Woody Allen

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”
― Woody Allen