Emotions Diary discussion

I've sat down like ten times and have tried to write something about myself and I just came up with this.

My brain is on permanent fart, apparently.

Let's see: I write stories (personal ones, though one day maybe I'll write a book...those of you who don't approve of sex and emotional books may hate me), I'm sorta artsy, I live with my parents and my Chinese cousin who knows almost no English, plus his mother, and I read like crazy.

I'm really opinionated, I go on Tumblr (but I don't have an account), I LOVE reading, and though I'm a teen I don't really act like the other girls in my school.

So, erk, yeah. Hey.

PS I am also:
-supporter of gay rights
-feminist
-Asian girl
-more mature than my age should be
-yet sometimes I act really stupid
-against racism
-people who are "super clean" and have dumb problems like "omg my one day bf broke up with me", yeah I hate you.

cool

Whenever I go to the bookstore it's really weird because I start feeling really bad about myself. Like, I have a budget (set by my everything-under-$20-dad) and a book set in mind that I have to buy, but then I see all these books that I love and do not own or books I want to read and it just overwhelms me, and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest when I go downstairs and play on the sample Nooks.

Song of the Moment - Catch My Breath, Kelly Clarkson

(I know, I know. Mainstream. But still. You hipsters.)

I am so mad.

So I was on this GR group where it for all girls and there was this one post in masturbation. The first girl was mature about it and talked about how she did it or whatever, but the second girl was honestly stupid. She was like, "OMMGGG THAT'S DISGUSTING GUYS DON'T EVEN DO THAT IN REAL LYFE EWWW."

WHAT THE HELL!
1. Girls and guys both masturbate! Some do, some don't!
2. It's not disgusting. Sure, it does seem that way when you're younger, but when you grow up and you grow up THE RIGHT WAY then you realize it's normal
3. What are you, some ditzy six year old with "white girl" problems?

I don't masturbate, and I am only thirteen, but that girl makes me want to punch my lotion bottle.

(PS That's not racism. Trust me.)

it's acually okay to, i've read it in book, it's another way to cope!

That's true, thank you!

I did used to think it was gross, but this year for some reason reality just suddenly hit me, and that's where I am now.

Last year (I guess I'll use aliases) I found my awesome group of friends.

Quick Intro:
KPOP Girl~ loves KPOP, perverted mind, very Christian
Symbalta we joked about being "dark" together
Amy Li (don't worry that's not a real name) mature in the sense that I am, only possibly more, and people call her a bitch because she's not afraid to voice her opinions
ReplacementGrass was mean w/o realizing to me, but now I like her a lot
Bussy she rides my bus
Braid childhood friends, fading friendship (now)
Feels obsessed with things
Volume is spazzy and crazy at first sight, but when you're alone you see she's more than that. I wish she wasn't loud, because I can tell she only wants attention.

an outside of our school, Homestruck we talk on the phone

And all of a sudden this year my friend Faith joined us, and she's super Christian like KPOP Girl. Along with her she brought the wrath of the "Asian Boy Table" next to us.

And the story starts there.
KPOP Girl and Symbalta were some of my best friends this year, and they suddenly became best friends with these new people. They barely talk to me now. I can literally feel their awkwardness when they speak to me. They don't know how anymore.

People of the Asian Boy Table:

Bernehh I can't give him an alias if I tried, so I gave him this. He went to my elementary school and our relationship is a "I mess with you" on my side and a "I joke but hate you" on his side.
LastYr last year we were really good friends but now we're so, so, sooo awkward, super Christian
CampBoy met him when we were both in our mothers stomachs, never saw each other again until middle school where we now have a semi-awkward relationship
BBoy Super Christian, dancer kid who has a really corny sense of humor. Only met him this year

One of our friends, Confessor, confessed to KPOP Girl about his feelings.

Then, Faith told us that someone in our group asked BBoy out in sixth grade. There was confusion there.

We found out it was a misunderstanding, but then we also found out that BBoy and KPOP Girl liked each other. (I didn't know BBoy at this time.)

Then a third of our table joined with the "Asian Boy Table" and they call themselves "The Asian Group" which pisses me off.

Then we found out LastYr liked KPOP Girl too.

Wow I'm a shitter

Anyways, the diary Protagonist has so many updates. Makes me wanna write stuff too.


Today I hung out with KPOP Girl, Symbalta, Volume, Bussy, Bernehh, and CampBoy. It was actually really fun. It makes me feel bad that I write shit about them.

I mostly hung out with Bernehh and Campboy though. Isn't it weird how ever since we're little, we're told to play with the people of our gender, but when you get older you realize some people of the other gender are way more fun?

Song of the Moment--Try, Pink

My sister bought me these really good earbuds for Christmas.

Now instead of reading before I sleep, I fall asleep listening to music.
I love it.

I dance in my heart.

I used to dance in reality.

I love The Script and P!nk. I just love meaningful lyrics.

It's 10:51 PM and I'm sneaking on my computer.
I did it to watch the Mindy Project but the new episode isn't on Hulu yet.
If my parents heard the music coming out of my earbuds, I would be killed.

Louise is a nice name

{Hiraeth} wrote: "Louise is a nice name"

Thanks :)
I had a reason for putting a fake name but I don't remember it now. Oh well. I still like the name Lo.

1. Please Don't Go-The Script
2. Try-Pink
3. Viva La Vida-Coldplay
4. Locked Out of Heaven-Bruno Mars
5. Never Say Never-The Fray

Went for a walk/run with my cousin. He keeps copying my stupid phrases. But it's not annoying since he doesn't know much English. Weird though. He's so nice to and I'm so mean to him

Wow usually most people don't write in their diaries. That's a pleasant surprise.

I don't have anything against super Christians, but once we broach the sensitive topics I start ranting and getting mad.

hiya beautiful,
you're amazing

{Belen} wrote: "hiya beautiful,
you're amazing"

You change your username so much I have trouble keeping up with you ha ha
Thanks, you too :)

Some days I'm open to all types of music, but others if I don't have my lyrical sad kind, then I get really irritated.

I just feel like, if you're gonna do something, like sing, or write a book, you need to do it because you like it, or you just fucking want to, y'know? Not because you're good. You can be good, but that doesn't mean anything if you don't like it.

It just breaks my heart when you're a kid like me with parents who just expect you to be a doctor or something like that. I'm strong enough to deal with that, but what about people that aren't? Who's going to save them, the way books saved me?

I go back and forth on this all the time:

Which is harder, writing a good song or writing a good book?

A couple days ago, my (sort of?) cousin--niece-person-in-law came to our house to visit. She's eight. We played this Korean card game we always play and we had to teach it to her. And the way the parents were fawning over her, it's like she was God's gift to this world. Which honestly is not a problem, I'm really not jealous, it just made me sad. When you're eight, life is so easy. Your biggest problem is usually you got in a fight with your best friend and will make up tomorrow.

I just wish I was fucking eight again and my dad could twirl me around in the air as I laughed my head off. When life just didn't matter, when everything is just taken as a given.

Lo♪ wrote: "{Belen} wrote: "hiya beautiful,
you're amazing"

You change your username so much I have trouble keeping up with you ha ha
Thanks, you too :)"


yeah...sorry.
ha.
and thank *you*

{Belen} wrote: "Lo♪ wrote: "{Belen} wrote: "hiya beautiful,
you're amazing"

You change your username so much I have trouble keeping up with you ha ha
Thanks, you too :)"


yeah...sorry.
ha.
and thank *you*"

On your diary, half of those quotes are yours, right?

I usually find this group by searching "emotions diary" in the search bar. There are never any books in the book section so I click on groups. Today a book was added to the book section.

The Diary of Emotions and Other Poems

Go check it out or something.


Sigh. I'm starting to hate this website. Isn't that ridiculous? I have four real-life friends on this website, two of whom I wish weren't here and couldn't see my info. I changed a lot of information so I could be someone else here, or the person I want to be/pretty much really am. And I don't know, I really don't.

And it's really stupid. I used to love this website. I freaked out about any good books, wrote reviews insistently, participated in all the weird forum games. Now, good books make me sad, nobody really checks out my reviews, and I stopped following the forum games.

How am I supposed to change if I'm not letting myself?

1. Unwell - Matchbox 20
2. Stop and Stare - One Republic
3. Bruno Mars - When I Was Your Man
4. Animal - Neon Trees
5. Fighter - Christina Aguilera

Oh yeah--bought myself a snazzy yellow iPod case.

How's it go?



(Got this off the internet. Please don't sue me for copyright, my webcam sucks.)

(Yeah I got the 3, shut up.

Just finished John Green's .

I'm subscribed to John/Hank's youtube channel (vlogbrothers) and John is...so family friendly and ridiculous. And then I read some of his not-so-good-(in-my-opinion) books and I look at him completely differently. How am I supposed to think of John Green as the genius who wrote when I just read two other books by him which were about bland, personality-less boys in love with crazy, misunderstood, maniac girls? (Maybe a little harsh, but still.)

I hope to whoever's up there that not all guys are like the main characters John Green uses. I know there are, but why can't I find at least one decent

Lo♪ wrote: "{Belen} wrote: "Lo♪ wrote: "{Belen} wrote: "hiya beautiful,
you're amazing"

You change your username so much I have trouble keeping up with you ha ha
Thanks, you too :)"


yeah...sorry.
ha.
and..."



*shakes head*
NONE of them are mine.

{The Cat Princess Belyn} wrote: "Lo♪ wrote: "{Belen} wrote: "Lo♪ wrote: "{Belen} wrote: "hiya beautiful,
you're amazing"

You change your username so much I have trouble keeping up with you ha ha
Thanks, you too :)"


yeah...sorr..."

Well you still must be cool enough to find that stuff. When I go online searching for meaningful phrases I end up quitting and watching 4 hours of Sabrina the Teenage Witch

I really wanna change this diary name. Everybody else's is so cool like "It's Always Cloudy In November"; "Parallel Wonderland"; "The Place Where I Shall Scream, Whine, Rant" (cant remember off the top of my head sorry Taylor girl.) I made it temporarily, but like I found out yesterday, I form attachments to the smallest things.

Besides, the only thing I can think of is "Take Me To Your TARDIS" or a lame lyric from a song, but that might sound inappropriate or unfitting. Sigh.

Surkhab wrote: "Lo♪ wrote: "Oh yeah--bought myself a snazzy yellow iPod case.

How's it go?



(Got this off the internet. Please don't sue me for copyright, my webcam sucks.)"

I have a black cover with tyre des..."

That sounds pretty cool. Honestly, I only got the yellow one because there was a selection of like six.

Oh, and your profile picture is adorable :3

Yes, yes, I've changed the diary name. Hussie fangirls, calm down. JohnDave will never be cannon.

(I admit, I stole the line from a book series I don't even like that much. Anyone wanna guess?)

Apparently the Diary of Emotions book I linked no longer exists in the search bar, but it does when I click the link. Weird, huh?

Sorta weird how things can change so fast. Just when you've finished adjusting, everything's gone.

Wow.
Author of Protagonist, Belen, or Hyacinth, or Paper Trees, is gone. Deleted. Off of Goodreads. I didn't expect that.

So, no more beautiful lines, guys. No more stolen quotes of desperation or happiness or sadness or overwhelming emotion from songs and lists and books.

No more person to just say "Hey, beautiful. You're amazing," on your diary, even if it's all the way across the globe or secretly your next door neighbor. I don't know why I'm obsessing over this person, but it just feels wrong. What made him or her delete the account. What made him or her decide to quit this site and the people and the fun-loving books?

I didn't even know this person's gender. I--

Wait. I have their Tumblr URL.
So, Belen, or as I will always think of, Paper Trees, I'll find you.

www.counterfeithappiness.tumblr.com <<

(Sorry bout that--changing it.
Speaking of which, I don't think I got the second name right either. My memory's been really bad lately.)

It's just weird. The one who wrote these genuinely nice comments on everybody's post, and I'm not sure she's nice to herself.

Maybe I'm just stupid and naive, but looking at those blood squirting pictures on her blog, I can't even reach her anymore, I don't know.

Swarley {Living in November} wrote: "In Protagonist, she left her e-mail. :) I emailed her, stalking for eternity. I'm worried she commited suicide, she left like a week ago."

I hope not. Thanks for telling me about the email, I sent one just now. Did she reply to you yet?

I hate that my friends are getting involved on Goodreads. It was sort of my private haven where everyone enjoyed things I enjoyed and nobody had the burden of needing to do things for anyone, since it was online, and I could post freely and not be judged. I had one reader friend who introduced me, and one other reader friend who I invited, but then my best friend (who for some reason I can't stand being here) and one of my other best friends joined, and immediately they are nitpicking every small detail of me and I hate that they're involved in my life like this I hate it, and I'm waiting for high school so I can go somewhere freely and make new friends.

My Mom lately has been getting really mad at me all the time; she can't go an hour without yelling at me but is nice to everyone else, including my cousin who is rude to her but is perfect (which is why I guess she loves him), and yesterday at dinner when my sister stood up for me I just wanted to sob for no reason because I cry at the worst moments. I haven't felt like this in a while and I'm writing all these run-on sentences and I don't even care anymore, I just don't want to, I love my mother and she loves me but I'm her least favorite, and lately I've been reading a series where the girl has been the least favorite her whole life and doesn't mind because she made it that way, and it seems funny the way she's all cynical and sarcastic and crazy but in real life it's not funny and I'm not used to it I will be soon since I always always will be just like I never argue when my mother yells because there's no point, I just want it to end, and my sister knows I have these problems because she went through it once too and I had no idea I was like four then how did she survive last night i started getting images of stabbing myself with a knife (not suicidal, just complain-y) and i don't think i would hesitate, the only reason I would would be because I think my chest is too hard to cut through and I don't think I have enough strength for that and

I'm so retarded and stupid sorry I hate using the word "retarded" just ignore my last post I'm starting to get paranoid

OKay--new rule for this...whatever it is
No deleting posts.
Okay.

I think my friend is cutting herself. She's my best friend and two years ago when I was considering suicide she was so against suicide and cutting (she couldn't stand seeing blood) because she didn't want to go to hell.

She lost faith in Christianity she had cuts on her arms I saw one scar and made a joke about it because I thought it was just an accident but then I saw more and she brushed it away and changed the subject and I have no idea what to do they were only on her left arm she's right handed maybe she can't hold scissors with her left hand I can't tell her parents they're probably the source of the problem what should I do

Been talking to Belyn lately (Belen) and she was worried about someone named Abbi who said she was going to kill herself does anyone know who she is
Can anyone find her
Is she already gone?

Why does my dad always mock me mocking me is my biggest pet peeve I cannot stand it he's always mocking me I've told him over and over to stop and he doesn't I think he's doing it on purpose he uses that mean voice of his since he's better than me and he's bigger than me and he's stronger than me he is so mean to anyone other than his flesh and blood or friends he's so mean to my mother's family why can't he suck it up why can't it be like before.

HIRAETH that's the name that's Belyn/Belen's old name I got it

Swarley {Living in November} wrote: "Lo♪ wrote: "Been talking to Belyn lately (Belen) and she was worried about someone named Abbi who said she was going to kill herself does anyone know who she is
Can anyone find her
Is she already g..."

I'm not forcing you not to commit suicide, since it is your choice, and some people just want an escape, but you truly will be missed.

I know life is really hard, probably harder for you than many others since you want to commit suicide, but things do get better. I sound like a corny-ass therapist, but it's true.

Even though we're just a couple of random people on the internet we still think you're amazing. And maybe it's not enough to make you stay, but if you do go please remember that.