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JOKE CORNER
: Who earns a living by driving his
customers away?
customers away?
Here's one that's a Chris joke
What do hippopotami get when they are to cold?
What do hippopotami get when they are to cold?
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the other boys would constantly tease him. They would always say he was dumb. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, Johnny would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.One day, after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face.
Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it. So far I've saved $20!
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
1st one was funny because it's true. 2nd one was just... Funny cause it's ironic, I guess
An elderly couple goes to Burger King,
where they carefully split a burger and
fries. A trucker takes pity on them and
offers to buy the wife her own meal.
''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share
everything.''
A few minutes later, the trucker notices
that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really
wouldn't mind buying your wife her own
meal,'' he insists.
''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We
share everything.''
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife,
''Why aren't you eating?''
The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for
the teeth!''
where they carefully split a burger and
fries. A trucker takes pity on them and
offers to buy the wife her own meal.
''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share
everything.''
A few minutes later, the trucker notices
that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really
wouldn't mind buying your wife her own
meal,'' he insists.
''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We
share everything.''
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife,
''Why aren't you eating?''
The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for
the teeth!''
ok then i've got more if i think ummmmmmOne Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire. . . .
sorry its dirty, but its funny
* laughs*
Abhishek wrote: "An elderly couple goes to Burger King,where they carefully split a burger and
fries. A trucker takes pity on them and
offers to buy the wife her own meal.
''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''W..."
hahahahaha nice!!
It is good.
Judi stormed up to the front desk of the
library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was
horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and
there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So
you must be the person who took our
phone book."
Judi stormed up to the front desk of the
library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was
horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and
there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So
you must be the person who took our
phone book."
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
"I'm good friends with 25 letters
of the alphabet … I don't know Y.
Its Chris one liner.
of the alphabet … I don't know Y.
Its Chris one liner.
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"poo" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
Mod
Two cowboys are walking down the street. One of them walks into a bar, and the other one ducks.
Mod
(This is one I had from a popsicle)
What do you call someone who makes clothes for rabbits?"
I have no idea
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
a newspaper? or a zebra thats sunburned?
Mod
It was actually a blushing penguin :D
*Groan* Oh my, your name should either be Quinn or Chris (two guys i know that keep on making jokes like these)
Ruth wrote: "Arwen wrote: "a newspaper? or a zebra thats sunburned?"It was actually a blushing penguin :D"
okay THAT was a good 1
: Why did the TV cross the road?
Mod
It is because it wanted to be a flat screen.
Mod
omg that is so lame :D
Why did the fish cross the river?
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney...
Mod
but I can't help it :D
It is a story-
One day a farmer's donkey fell down
into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure
out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old,
and the well needed to be covered up
anyway; it just wasn't worth it to
retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him. They all grabbed a shovel
and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer
finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each
shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step
up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to
shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as
the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all
kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of
the well is to shake it off and take a
step up. Each of our troubles is a
steppingstone. We can get out of the
deepest wells just by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake it off and take a step
up.
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the
shit out of the farmer who had tried to
bury him. The gash from the bite got
infected, and the farmer eventually died
in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to
cover your ass, it always comes back to
bite you.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down
into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure
out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old,
and the well needed to be covered up
anyway; it just wasn't worth it to
retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him. They all grabbed a shovel
and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer
finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each
shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step
up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to
shovel dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as
the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all
kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of
the well is to shake it off and take a
step up. Each of our troubles is a
steppingstone. We can get out of the
deepest wells just by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake it off and take a step
up.
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the
shit out of the farmer who had tried to
bury him. The gash from the bite got
infected, and the farmer eventually died
in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to
cover your ass, it always comes back to
bite you.
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Make other laugh.
Post your jokes here.