Random Ramblings discussion

Hey, so I have this friend and he's having trouble. He went through a really rough breakup over the summer and he still is in love with the girl. I only met him in October and since I've decided that I want to make him happy again. Last night he was really struggling with wanting to cut himself and I was wondering if any of you guys have gone through something similar or have any ideas on how to help him get through this.

I posted this on UA as well.

Hi, Frances. I've gone through something similar... I was hospitalized over Thanksgiving because I was planning to kill myself. (Everything's explained here in a video I made for some of my friends after I returned from the hospital: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtDKi5...)

I'm gonna write a longish explanation in italics so you know where I'm coming from, this is the part that you can skip because I'll have a lot of tips in the non-italicized part. I've been addicted to cutting for over a year now, and I have depression as well as a generalized anxiety disorder. I've come really close to killing myself on a few different occasions this year, and my therapist admitted me into a mental hospital over Thanksgiving break because I had a plan and intent to take my own life that weekend. More of that's explained in the video. Which is a long video, so if you have any questions and don't wanna see the video, please feel free to ask me. This is something I take very seriously and if I can be of any help to your friend, I don't think any question is too personal.

The last time I cut was a week ago. I'm trying to stop again. There have been SO many times I've tried to stop but it really is difficult.

My psychiatrist (I've been put on an antidepressant after my return from the hospital) gave me a booklet thing about things to do that aren't cutting. I'll get it out in a minute.

I think the most important thing to know is that as much as you want to make him happy, it's pretty much out of your control, and I know that's a very hard thing to hear. I have a boyfriend and three really close friends who've been with me through a lot of this, and I know they're all trying to help me through it as much as I can, but the truth is, no one can MAKE you better. You have to want to be better yourself.

The second most important thing I have to say is just be there for him, listen when he needs to vent, and try not to judge him. Even though cutting may not seem like an addiction, it is, and it's incredibly difficult to stay clean from it once you've gotten hooked.

If you can, try to see if you can convince him to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. I have a list of phone numbers and resources and stuff that I'll get out after I post this. Make sure he has a list of people he can call if he feels like he wants to cut. If you think it would help for him to talk to someone who also struggles with self-harm, feel free to give him my e-mail: threesecretagents@gmail.com But I get that he might not be comfortable talking to a total stranger about his problems.

If he's more comfortable talking online, I'd refer him to: http://compassionpit.com

or the chat from Six Billion Secrets (which is good but...not as much as CompassionPit): http://www.sixbillionsecrets.com/chat

I'm glad he has a friend like you to help him through this. I know it's really important just to know someone cares.

Right. I'm going to get a few things from my room--oh, I just remembered I have a similar packed from the hospital, maybe there's something in there as well--and I'll post another comment.

My best wishes go with your friend.

Before I forget, I have two favorite YouTubers who talk about how to deal with self-injury: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=...

http://www.youtube.com/user/xsullengirlx

Aw. I just remembered that the hospital had a lot of stuff to fill out in the packet so they made me return it. Oh well.

Here are some phone numbers I'd forward to your friend just in case:

Crisis line: 1-800-724-7249
"Warm line"--when you aren't in a crisis but need to talk: 1-800-930-9276

And the packet is super huge so I'll retype the most important parts, I guess, and if you want I can scan the document (it's 44 pages). There are lots of resources on the Internet that have really helpful information, so maybe try Googling "how to help a friend who self-harms" or something.

These are some alternatives to cutting based on WHY you want to cut:

If you're feeling...

angry, frustrated, restless
Try something physical and violent, something not directed at a living thing: Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock
Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut and tear it instead of yourself
Flatten aluminum cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go
Hit a punching bag
Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style
Rip up an old newspaper or phone book
On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture.
Make Play-Doh or Sculpey or other clay models and cut or smash them. Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it.
Break sticks.
I've found that these things work even better if I rant at the thing I am cutting/tearing/hitting. I start out slowly, explaining why I am hurt and angry, but sometimes end up swearing and crying and yelling. It helps a lot to vent like that.
Crank up the music and dance.
Clean your room (or your whole house)
Go for a walk/jog/run
Stomp around in heavy shoes
Play handball or tennis

sad, soft, melancholy, depressed, unhappy
Do something slow and soothing, like taking a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles, curling up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book, babying yourself somehow. DO whatever makes you fell taken care of and comforted. Light sweet-smelling incense. Listen to soothing music. Smooth nice body lotion into parts of yourself you want to hurt. Call a friend and just talk about things that you like. Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read. Visit a friend.

craving sensation, feeling depersonalized, disassociating, feeling unreal
Do something that creates a sharp physical sensation:
Squeeze ice
Put a finger into a frozen food for a minute
Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root
Rub liniment under your nose
Slap a tabletop hard
Slap your wrist with a rubber band
Take a cold bat
Stomp your feet on the ground
Focus on how it feels to breathe

wanting focus
Do a task that is exacting and requires focus and concentration
Eat a raisin mindfully. Pick it up, noticing how it feels in your hand. Look at it carefully; see the asymmetries and think about the changes the grape went through. Roll the raisin in your fingers and notice the texture; try to describe it. Bring the raisin up to your mouth, paying attention to how it feels to move it--(oh my god sorry but this is the longest explanation of a raisin EVER so I'm gonna skip it)
Choose an object in the room. Examine it carefully and then write as detailed a description of it as you can.
Choose a random object and try to list 30 different uses for it
Pick a subject and research it on the web

wanting to see blood
Draw on yourself with a red felt-tip pen
Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you ant to cut. Draw the bottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food coloring trickle out.
Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you've made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells
Paint yourself with red tempera paint

wanting to see scars or pick scabs

Get a henna tattoo kit You put henna on as a paste and leave it overnight; the next day you can pick it off as you would a scab and it leaves an orange-red mark behind.

Okay, from personal experience: I'm not too fond of any of the "wanting to see blood" alternatives or the ones that involve ice. Anything that isn't cutting just isn't good enough for me, so doing things like that only make me want to cut more.

I usually write out my feelings or call/Skype someone close to me and try to talk things through and figure out how to deal with them. (I'd normally call my therapist but my mom didn't like her so I have to go to a different therapist now and I won't see her for a few more weeks). I also LOVE silly putty and coloring with crayons or pencils or painting something. I like playing piano and taking a walk while listening to music. And I like watching my favorite YouTubers and reading to distract myself or watching something on TV or a movie.

I gotta go now but I'll check back on this topic a little later and write more.

Much love,
Sarah

SD was all "WRITE ABOUT BEING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO CUTS!!!"
So here I am. I guess.
Um.
I'm kinda a happy person. And I like to think that helps.
First though, they gotta know you're ALWAYS there to talk. You love them. Express that often. How much you love them. How much you want them to feel better. Tell them what you love about them. Tell them what traits they have you're jealous of. You need to make sure they know how important they are to you and others. Don't be fake, though. Be honest. People can usually tell false flattery when they hear it. And tell them that even though you don't understand you will ALWAYS listen.

Don't treat them differently. They're not broken. {Though, if they need space, give it to them. I have trouble with that one the most. I bug SD allllll the time.} If they say they don't want to talk about it, just restate to them that you're there if they change their mind and move on.

Try to be upbeat. Happiness can tend to be contagious, or at least distracting.
Today I wrote SD a song. It went: "I wish I was a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum, 'cause how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum!" Upbeat. xD

Also, I know sometimes SD likes to hear my stupid complaints 'cause they distract her or something. I dunno.

I also tend to urge/bug SD to talk to people when she gets moody. Go to your favorite person. And if they seem REALLY bad. Like. Suicidal bad. You have to urge them to tell a parent. That one's always most painful.
And help them find a hobby. Something to do. An outlet for emotion. I think art is great for this. Painting, drawing, music. You know.

If I think of anything else I'll post some more.
Good luck, dude.
<3
And you tell that guy that I think he sounds cool. Unless that'd be creepy... xD

Frances wrote: "Hey, so I have this friend and he's having trouble. He went through a really rough breakup over the summer and he still is in love with the girl. I only met him in October and since I've decided th..."

one of my, well, not friends, cut herself last year and my best friend and i decided to tell the guidance counsler. i guess it worked, so i don't know. telling an adult helps.

Before you take anything I have to say into consideration, you need to know that I have never seen this, never had any association with it in my life, so I am not the greatest place to go for advice on this kind of thing.

I am, however, a queen of being happy. I imagine it would help to have something fun to look forward to. (When I'm sad, those are the things I think about.) Also, reading and watching movies help me put problems into perspective. It sometimes helps me to laugh at someone else, and take your mind off yourself. But, like I said, think carefully about what I say. I have no personal experience. I hope that helps, and if not, well, I'm sorry. But I do hope your friend feels better.

I thought I had something else to say 'cause there was a section in my booklet thing about how to deal with friends who self-harm, but most of it seems like pretty common sense "don't be insensitive" things so...

I just remembered an important thing: try to learn what your friend's triggers are, and avoid being a trigger to him as much as possible. For example: if I'm in a bad mood, I will be inclined to cut if someone makes a comment on how I look--even if it's a very positive comment.

Thank-you guys so much! Especially SD I think your tips will help him a lot. :) I know that he's had a tough time with bullying and stuff and it's hard for him. The only thing that really scares me is how much he loves this girl. She insulted him pretty rudely the other day but he didn't really think it was bad at all he thought she was right. And I feel like if he would stop believing everything she said it'd make it easier.

Thanks again guys, I'll keep you posted on what happens :)

I wish him all the luck!
He's very blessed to have you out there rooting for him. :)

Sarah please know that we are all here for you no matter what!!

And Frances... I really hope everything turns out for the best with your friend.

I think that he's been doing better and is pretty much over the girl. Thanks for your help everyone!

Not to ruin the seriousness but I thought you said for a second, "he's over being a girl" hahaha. I'm sorry

I'm really glad he's coping. If you ever need anymore help then just ask us Frances :)

It's the same with everyone else in this group.

XD That'd be awkward. And thanks guys!