MK & TCK Book Club discussion
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Third Culture Kids
The "Third Culture Kids" Book
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Chapter 5: Why High Mobility Matters
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Hello and welcome everyone!! Here is what we're thinking for this week for this chapter.... (Introductions to follow later today)Day 1 -
Introductions and defining our own journeys of and/or exposure to "high mobility." (Are you TCK's / CCK's? In relationships with/ are parents or care providers of TCK's and CCK's?)
Day 2 -
Part 1 of "The Transition Experience" (Involvement, Leaving, Transition, Entering, Reinvolvement)
Day 3 -
Part 2 of "The Transiton Experience" and "Why the TCK Experience Increases Intensity of Normal Transition"/ Personal Reflection
Day 4 -
Part 1 of "Reasons for Unresolved Grief" (Fear of Denying the Good, Hidden Losses, Lack of Permission to Grieve, Lack of Time to Process, Lack of Comfort)
Day 5 -
Part 2 of "Reasons for Unresolved Grief" and Personal Reflection
Join us for any or all of the above! You do not have to already have read the book to join!
This will be general structure, but we can also be organic in what topics surface.
(Please note: Anyone is welcome to share, but we also respect the need to keep things to yourself for your own personal reflection. We ask that everyone expresses themselves in respectful, nonjudgemental ways and avoid sharing personal stories shared by others outside the event unless you have written permission by the person sharing their personal story.)
First set of questions for Day 1 - Please introduce yourselves answering the following questions: Are you a Third Culture Kid (TCK) or a parent or other care provider for a TCK? Or both?
Did you grow up with a highly mobile life? Do you grow up highly mobile in one counry or multiple countries?
How frequently did you move?
If you stayed mostly in one country, did the people you were surrounded by move? How frequently did you have to say goodbye to friends you were attached to?
Do you have anything to share about how having a highly mobile lifestyle can affect you or has impacted a TCK you know?
I am a TCK, having grown up in West Africa (Togo), and a parent of TCKs, having moved our family to Budapest when our girls were young teens, and I have been a "care provider" for TCKs, teaching at an international school in Hungary. At last count, I have lived in 47 houses in six countries on 3 continents. For the first 10 years of our daughters' lives we tried putting down roots in America, and bought a little red brick house in Castle Rock, CO. But then other lands were calling our name, and we moved to Hungary. I have written before about how I came to realize how the sorrow of always saying goodbye was impacting my students, my daughters, and finally, myself. It is now almost impossible for me to settle in a place. I have been in Lawrence, KS for three years now working on my doctorate in education, and though it is a sweet little town, I am getting antsy and wanting to move on. One other way I have been thinking today, about how this lifestyle has affected me was in responding to a fb post about moving out of our comfort zone. It struck me: I don't think I have a comfort zone.
Hello, My name is Erin Kemper and I am a TCK. I am American and grew up in Tanzania but currently live in the States. I have only lived in two countries and moved 3 times while living in Tanzania as a child. The people I was surrounded by were constantly on the move, whether moving for good, leaving for year long furloughs, or short-term visitors. As a think back to how often I said goodbye I would say that there were major goodbyes to very close people every year.
Like I said before I currently live in the States. I attended college in MI and got married. Only a few months after marriage we moved to Virginia where my husband is a pastor. It was the first major move on my own (apart from my immediate family). I have been learning about how my TCK life of goodbyes has impacted me through this adjustment period of moving to VA. I have a hard time truly embracing a new place at the heart level. And, I am learning that long term friendships in a way, scare me. I have a couple MK friends plus my siblings that are life long friends but past that I never embraced or was given the opportunity to invest in friendships for the long haul because new friends were people on the move, never in my life for very long. Now I live in a place where I could be for 2 years and I could be for 25 years and in a way it scares me to think about friendships that I am creating here in Virginia lasting that long, or knowing how to let that happen.
I currently work for Grace Ministries International doing MK care and this is a topic I want to learn more about to help the MKs I am working with understand this area of relationships and investing in friendships once you are in a little more settled life.
I am still in process mode.
I'm a TCK who grew up in 6 towns in the US and 1 in Kenya. After 12 years and 4 houses in Baltimore, US my wife and I and two children worked in China for nine years and adopted a third child there. Not only were we mobile but the community in Tianjin was also highly mobile. We now live in the state of Michigan, US. As a child in my nuclear family I noticed the mobility at the international school; students seem to come and go at an alarming rate and even my best friend was 'away' for a year while his parents worked in the Comoros Is. Still the greatest mobility shock came when our family repatriated to the US and my father travelled frequently and internationally for work.- I have met many other TCKs in a similar experience where the biggest shock is the breakup of the nuclear family, for many reasons, since that had been the 'secure zone' during all the other moves.- One effect is that when I see goodbyes coming I tend to get coldly rationale, sort of a, "what needs to be done here" mode and save the mourning for the plane, or the quiet after others leave.
Another impact felt is a series of emotions when I meet folks in our new small town who say they've lived their whole lives here and point out their home, their parents' place AND their grandparents' houses in the neighborhood. Something like wonder, humor, a little jealousy, bewilderment and, I'll admit, a pinch of 'what would it be like to be you?' seem to flood over me and I usually mumble something dumb like, 'that must be really...fun...for you.' Sometimes after my short version story they look back at me with something that looks like pity and I find that difficult to relate to also.
I am a TCK who definitely grew up with a highly mobile life. I was born in Canada, but moved to the US (1) before we moved to (formerly West) Germany (2) and then Austria (3). Once we came back to Canada (4), we moved four times (5, 6, 7, 8) before I moved for university (9). I was actually quite lucky to stay at the same high school for all four years, even with one move near the end. Just as an aside, after university I moved back home (10) to complete a one-year post-graduate diploma before moving back to my university town (11) to work. I then wanted to specialize and moved to do my Masters at another university (12) but then could only find work in the largest city in my province and had to move there (13).On average, I’d say I’ve moved approximately every 2.5 to 3 years. Most of our moving was within Canada, but between provinces. I had to say four significant ‘good-byes’ to friends before high school. I then just stopped making them and didn’t have any ‘good-byes’ to say when I left for university.
I have to start by saying that I loved growing up in Austria and the move back to Canada wasn’t terrible. What was extremely negative was the constant moving once we were back. The difficulty was compounded by the fact that our moves were mostly due to the ugly side of church politics. (My father was a pastor.)
As I mentioned, my coping mechanism was to stop making friends, but that was difficult to maintain. I actually made a conscious decision to try and make friends in university. Sadly, in university I was socially stunted because of growing up so very mobile. I was working through and learning social norms and functions in university that I should have developed in elementary and high school. It was an extremely awkward and, quite frankly, embarrassing experience and I don’t look on my university social life with much fondness.
I think I found some social skill equilibrium once I started working, but even now I never feel that I belong to any group of people and building strong friendships is difficult for me. When I do try to put my trust in some people, my experience has tended to be that I get burned.
On the plus side, I’m not attached to things and I don’t like to collect a lot of stuff. I like to streamline my life with as little clutter as possible. It keeps my living space neat and tidy.
wow ... just reading the questions to be discussed made me feel very emotional. Lots of "unresolved grief" lurking under the surface in my heart, for sure! I'm a TCK who spent a significant portion of my growing up years in Indonesia, and have spent most of my married life (almost 25 yrs now) in Papua New Guinea. I feel like my TCK-ness didn't stop when I became an adult because I have continued the same life pattern of living cross-culturally overseas for 4 years or so followed by a year in the U.S. As a child our time in the U.S. was mostly spent in Oklahoma, and as an adult it has mostly been in California. But I did a count, and from what I can remember I have lived in three countries (U.S., Indo, PNG). In the U.S. I have lived in a total of 7 states, and about 16 different addresses. As a child in Indonesia, I lived in 5 different locations. And as an adult in PNG, I have lived 9 different places. (The total number of HOUSES I've lived in would be even higher for each one of those countries.) I have also visited many other countries, including the Philippines and Australia but not stayed more than a 2-3 weeks at a time.
Not only have I faced transitions with my own moves, but other families in my missionary circles were always coming and going too. Usually there were good-byes of some kind at the end of each school year, and of course the goodbyes each time we went on furlough and returned to the field.
Erin said: I have a hard time truly embracing a new place at the heart level.
I can totally relate to that. I can make myself at home and set up housekeeping, but always in the back of my mind I am aware that this is just a temporary place to live. I am presently living in FL, U.S.A., because of our daughter's health needs. We've been here a year already and we may be here for one more year, but I still haven't completely unpacked or bothered to really decorate the house. Nor do I feel a need to. (although we have collected furniture and household items)
In fact, a recurring dream I have (just had it the other night) is that I am trying to pack up the house to get on the plane for an international flight and I find a whole room that got "forgot" - nothing is packed or sorted through or organized or anything. And there is no way we're going to get it done in the next hour or so before we have to leave for the airport.
This morning I woke up and thought, I'm collecting too much stuff - it's going to be a lot of work to pack this place up. (freebies, yard-sales, thrift stores, mission barrels - it's amazing how fast it starts to collect; and when we leave it will mostly all go back to the thrift store, yard sale, or mission barrel). I have no sense of permanence!
Michael wrote: ...when I see goodbyes coming I tend to get coldly rationale, sort of a, "what needs to be done here" mode and save the mourning for the plane, or the quiet after others leave.
I too can relate. Inside I want to wail out my grief, but for the most part I try to avoid actually acknowledging goodbyes. In the village where we lived the longest in PNG (14 yrs) they would wail loudly and openly to express grief. They could turn it on, and then after a while, turn it off, dry their eyes and blow their nose and go on their way. I learned to do that too, and no, it's not fake. It's wonderful! I truly loved having the freedom to do that when faced with a really sad situation and not feel the least bit self-conscious (because someone else almost always joined in with me). And I can't tell you the times I have wanted to break out wailing like that to relieve the weight and pain of my sorrow but can't let myself because, in the new culture I'm surrounded by, there is no place for it.
Having said all that, I'm not a depressed person, I'm thankful for my childhood, and I love the cross-cultural life God has given me as an adult too. There have been many adventure, and road trips are awesome! :)
Mod
Jared, who commented above, is my brother, so his answer gives an idea of how often we moved.
He and I both struggled with similar problems, like having a hard time making friends. Although, he and I reacted differently to the challenge. Whereas he quit trying to make friends for a while and focused on his studies instead (he was a model student!), I ended up going the other direction. Having close friendships meant so much to me that I devoted more time to trying to be accepted (and ruminating on the fact that I wasn't accepted) than I did to my studies. So I spent much of my late childhood and early teens on an emotional roller coaster, while my marks suffered. My family's frequent moves during that time made the challenge worse for me... because every time we moved, I was the new kid in school, and because kids can be cruel at that age, being new made me a target for bullying. So every move was a nightmare, and each time I struggled in school, because the only question on my mind was, "Will they accept me?" It was only later when we settled in the same place for most of my high school years that I found stability and an accepting group of friends at my family's church. They gave me the confidence to start working harder at school, and when I graduated I was recognized as the 'most improved' student in my year.
There are so many ways that high mobility impacts TCKs, but here I just wanted to trace its influence on just one area of my and my brother's lives, and how we had such starkly different methods of coping. We didn't understand our differences until our 20s when we first started to hear about the TCK profile. I wonder how different things might have been if our family had known about the challenges facing TCKs while Jared and I were young. And I also wonder whether, as adults, we're subconsciously trying to correct or compensate for our childhood losses. It's something I'm still mulling over.
Hey everyone! Nice to meet all of you. I look forward to discussing this amazing book with you all.Here are some questions to get us thinking and talking about the first section on "The Transition Experience" and "Why the TCK Experience Increases Intensity of Normal Transition" for Day 2 and 3.
How does the transition cycle (Involvement, Leaving, Transition, Entering, Reinvolvement) help you make sense of your experiences growing up or providing care to a TCK? Where would you say you are now?
Based on your experiences, do you think there are other stages or processes that have been part of your transition cycle? What are they?
Did you experience culture shock in your moves? How did it affect your transition process in the places where you lived?
What are some losses you grieve for from your life growing up?
What can you share about how you/a TCK you know processed transitions growing up?
I just counted and I think I have lived in 46 houses, and the last one I have lived in for 32 years. I have lived in 3 countries. Every year once I was school age in Africa we move from home to school for nine months. Good byes were constant. I learned to be if someone was out of sight they were also out of mind. In First grade I had a terrible fear I would not know what my parents looked like, and afraid they would not know me. I had no pictures of my family. All the moves gave me the desire to keep moving but that has not happened in the last 32 years, I am thankful for being in one place for my kids. But I sometimes feel I must move. I have learned to rearrange rooms to satisfy my move urge, we have had our bedroom in three different rooms.I work with MK Safety Net. Working with MKs who have suffered trauma in the missionary setting. Many of these MKs have been abused in boarding schools. That move to boarding school for many who started very young felt like abandonment by parents. We try to help by coming along side each on in their struggles mostly through the Internet as we are all over the world. We hold conferences, just had a conference in April for MKs in Atlanta. One of our speakers was MK Wm Paul Young who wrote the Shack.
From Day 1 -Cynthia wrote: "I am a TCK, having grown up in West Africa (Togo), and a parent of TCKs, having moved our family to Budapest when our girls were young teens, and I have been a "care provider" for TCKs, teaching at..."
Cynthia - Yes, that itchy feet is something many of us experience. That's an interesting point you make about "comfort zone" -- It could be that everywhere and anywhere can be part of our potential comfort zone.
From Day 1 Erin wrote: "Hello, My name is Erin Kemper and I am a TCK. I am American and grew up in Tanzania but currently live in the States.
I have only lived in two countries and moved 3 times while living in Tanzania..."
Erin - You mentioned how moving so frequently has impacted your long term friendships today. You are not alone in that. I had to learn how to be ok with the vulnerability that comes with people getting to know you and the risk involved in seeing if certain friends stick around after you show them who you really are. A great TED Talk by Brene Brown touches on this.. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown...
Michael wrote: "I'm a TCK who grew up in 6 towns in the US and 1 in Kenya. After 12 years and 4 houses in Baltimore, US my wife and I and two children worked in China for nine years and adopted a third child there..."
Michael - Hello! Great to see you on this thread!! You've brought up so many points in your comment. One of your points I think many TCKs can relate to is that range of emotions and wonder when seeing other people's whole lives and/or generations of history in one town, neighborhood or zip code. I found that often in small towns, like you mentioned. I probably learned to be my own individual the most whenever I lived in small towns because I would feel sooo different.
Jared wrote: "I am a TCK who definitely grew up with a highly mobile life. I was born in Canada, but moved to the US (1) before we moved to (formerly West) Germany (2) and then Austria (3). Once we came back to ..."Jared - What you describe about friendships and how you feel "Stunted" may be related to what the book describe's as "Uneven Maturity" and/or "Delayed Adolescence" [It will be discussed later on in Ch 11 so stay tuned!! :)]... I believe it's perfectly normal to need to step back and observe, even though we may appear to be aloof to others. After all, how can we know what the social norms are if we were never around it enough? The work place especially - also with some classrooms - can be a little microcosm of how the local community and population is in general.... For example, one work place I was at had about the same proportion of race and ethnic backgrounds of the larger city I lived in among its staff members. So in a way, it can be somewhat of a predictor of how you might fit in in that larger community (to a certain extent). The culture of the workplace though was more about the dominant personalities.
It can be very challenging to have to adjust to work places if the dominant personality is more conducive to more "black and white" / "either or" perspectives and approaches. TCK's are such mutts!.. Haha.
im gill. i spent my first five years in malaysia where my father had been seconded to radio malaysia by the bbc. it was a one off thing and his contract was not extended so we then returned to the uk for good. however we did move house again in the uk less than two years after our return. i think it was this move that "finished me off" i'd just finally made friends and joined things i liked. we moved to a house that was a complete renovation project and it was many many years before it became homey. we were now too far away from my schoolfriends for them to pop round or hang out. however despite only the one international move i believe the whole experience had a profound effect on my family in a number of ways and did i believe alter our trajectories forever.
in terms of mobility there were not multiple moves but i guess there were things that reflect mobility. for example ... that everyone around me as a child was from different nationalities for example our next door neighbours and my playmates were australian (i still have a twang), everyone in the expat group were from different countries. my parents made lifelong friends with diplomats and others who would then appear and reappear in our lives forever, including sons and daughters at boarding school coming to stay (of which i was deeply jealous). my parents continued to travel extensively in their lives and valued more highly those that traveled. our house was full of things from other countries.
despite only the one international move i have developed a number of the traits described in the book and others i cannot settle and commit in a place and have moved over 50 times and still have no permanent home at 53. i constantly feel a compulsion to leave the uk and get to the right place, which is not here. and i have an internal loathing and hatred for the uk and everything about it. i have recurring dreams about packing and not being able to fit things in the case or boxes whilst time runs out, and i hate to own too many things and constantly feel the urge to get rid of things and to own less. i presume these things are all about mobility!
recently ... I've realised that i have got travel and mobility confused with home. i believe my rootlessness springs form my desire for home and safety and security, which i equate with home in malaysia. malaysia happens to be another country.
Sharon here - A very short introduction: lived in 2 different countries and 5 different cities by the age of 13 and the longest stint in one house was 4 years until my current home of 11 years. Transition cycle (Involvement, Leaving, Transition, Entering, Reinvolvement): Even thought it's been 30 years since I left Mexico and repatriated to Canada, I think I am somewhere in leaving and transition. Since my permanent return to Canada was not anticipated (originally just a year-long furlough) we never that a chance to enter the leaving stage. In fact, only a few months ago I suddenly came to the shocking realization that I have been expecting one day to return back to life as I left in in Mexico. I had no idea I was waiting to go back - not just back to the country but back to the life the way I knew it. Of course it's an impossibility, and that is was a heart-breaking. Now that I know going back is never going to happen I can start leaving and letting go.
At the same time as leaving I am beginning to understand better who I am, how I feel, what I think and finding my place here in Canada - so also in the transition stage. I wouldn't say that I have accepted anything yet, but am in the process of reinventing myself and accepting where I am.
Did you experience culture shock in your moves? How did it affect your transition process in the places where you lived?
YES. I experienced culture shock repatriating to Canada and I froze in time, unable to go forward, living in the midst of the chaos of transition for the past 30 years. I think I may have mentioned this before but I "white-knuckled" my way through life - discerning what it is that a normal person my age would do and then doing it because that is what would be expected of me.
What are some losses you grieve for from your life growing up?
Wow! So many! Here's just a few ideas - some of the more unexpected ones:
- a set of 64 brand new pencil crayons that got left behind in Mexico. Pencil crayons? Really, Sharon? I know. It sounds crazy. I was upset that I wouldn't get them back and in an odd way concerned/unnerved by that reality. I had no idea why the loss of these pencil crayons was so devastating to me until I heard about the grieving process involved in transitions. Then I understood that the pencil crayons were merely a representation of everything I was loosing, everything I was leaving behind - friends, memories, places, events, etc.
- Mexican candy, serenading boys, kids who liked to imagine and play,
- my entire identity
- loss of my family unit. My dad took a job where he was on the road for weeks at time shortly after our return and this continued from grade 6 to my 3rd year of University. When he was home he was generally tired. My mom also went back to work when I was in grade 8 and when we moved to London (Ontario) in grade 10 my sister and I were in different high schools. She and I had been best friends growing up on the mission field but we soon became complete strangers.
Mod
Here are some questions to get us thinking and talking about the first section on "The Transit..."
The transition cycle (Involvement, Leaving, Transition, Entering, Reinvolvement) definitely helps me make sense of my experiences as a TCK. The first time I reached the Reinvolvement stage was in my host country, Austria, where I felt accepted by my friends and deeply integrated in our wider community. Once we moved back to our passport country, Canada, I barely finished the Entering stage before we moved again (within Canada). This happened several times before finally reaching a longer-term 'home' where I felt known, accepted, and integrated again.
Strangely, despite feeling completely at home in my passport country now, I still feel like all of my cultural naiveté and awkwardness during the Transition and Entering phases over the years still define me. I can only make sense of this in light of the fact that I went through these phases several times during my early teens, a season in adolescent development when we let our peers' opinions of us define us. Their opinions of me focused on how I didn't fit in and why they wouldn't accept me. So their opinions of me have been impossible to shrug off and leave in the past. To this day, I enter new communities expecting to be left out. It sounds worse than it is in reality though, because I've always been able to make positive connections in new places. The problem is just in my expectations, which are clearly rooted in those imperfect transition experiences from my past.
Hi everyone! We will take time to recap Days 2 & 3 for a little while for those who want to add more before proceeding to Day 4 topic later...---------Days 2 & 3 -----------------------------------
Days 2 & 3 - The Transition Experience" (Involvement, Leaving, Transition, Entering, Reinvolvement)
Questions from Erin -
How does the transition cycle (Involvement, Leaving, Transition, Entering, Reinvolvement) help you make sense of your experiences growing up or providing care to a TCK? Where would you say you are now?
Based on your experiences, do you think there are other stages or processes that have been part of your transition cycle? What are they?
Did you experience culture shock in your moves? How did it affect your transition process in the places where you lived?
What are some losses you grieve for from your life growing up?
What can you share about how you/a TCK you know processed transitions growing up?
------ For Later / Day 4 Topic ------
Day 4 -
Part 1 of "Reasons for Unresolved Grief" (Fear of Denying the Good, Hidden Losses, Lack of Permission to Grieve, Lack of Time to Process, Lack of Comfort)
Michael said that impending goodbyes make him coldly analytical and he saves the mourning for the plane. I see this in both myself and the TCK/MKs that I work with. Although it seems to be a useful defense mechanism that enables us to keep going when we feel like dissolving into a puddle, I fear one of the possible bad outcomes is developing a reserved style in relationships. For example, the feedback I get from friends is that I'm very warm and friendly, but only on a surface level. In truth, they see me as hard to get to know.
Mod
"One Canadian ATCK began to weep... he said, 'Dave, I feel terrible. I grew up in a remote tribe in Papua New Guinea. When I left to return home for university, I could only think about how much I'd enjoy having Big Macs, TV, and electricity. I looked forward to new friends. When my PNG friends came to say good-bye, they started to cry, but I just walked away. Now all I can think about is them standing there as my little plane took off. They thought I didn't care. I want to go back and hug them one last time. What should I do?'" (p. 68)
That story moves me to tears too. It makes me think of my son - how he went out of his way to avoid an emotional final goodbye in the village and just slipped away quietly with a casual "see you later," leaving his friends thinking he'd be back in a few months. (which had been a slight possibility, so it wasn't exactly a lie) But I always wished he'd allowed himself to face the goodbye properly. I hope that he won’t be too sad about it someday. But even in my own life, there are just so many half-said and never-quite-processed goodbyes that haunt the shadows of my heart, that I know why he did it. Besides, there's nothing that can be done about it now, right? It is what it is.
I agree with what the book pointed out, that this transition process becomes our normal, and we accept it. We learn to be "of two minds," "to be happy and sad at the same time." But mostly we just keep going with the flow and create our own comfort zones, lest we slow down too much and risk getting knocked over when the chaos we can't control catches up to us. I’m sure I do have attachment/detachment issues, but on the other hand, I’ve become comfortable with my life. There’s a kind of predictability in the midst of all the changes, and I more or less know the routine (or at least the coping mechanisms). And there’s no denying the addiction of getting on a plane to head into a new adventure. (probably because the excitement is a distraction that keeps me from looking back on what I’ve just lost)
For me, in thinking about the stages of the transition process, I find that each time I leave some place where I've been living, and I know I won't be living there again, I tend to find it really difficult to revisit it in my mind again for a long time. Emotionally I avoid "going back" or trying to hold onto it. This means I don't even want to look at pictures for a long while (months, years) and don't write anyone letters. I just put up this wall and keep my distance where it’s emotionally safer.
The problem is, the more time that goes by, especially when I do start letting the memories back in, or I’m faced with being back in that area again or crossing paths with some of those people from before, or even just hear from them, I'm plagued with feelings of guilt (I wasn't a good friend, didn't say in touch), regret (I should have invested myself more; I shouldn't have let go of people that I loved so much), personal loss (I will never have that life again), and fear of disappointment (we’re not going to reconnect like before; it’s not going to be the same ever again, or feel like home anymore). It’s a hodgepodge of uncomfortable feelings that makes me want to avoid reconnecting again.
But here’s the really amazing thing: despite my emotional reluctance to reconnect or revisit the past, when I do see old friends again, revisit old stomping grounds, look through an old photo album … it’s all good. In fact, it’s great, and I’m ok. I enjoy it. I feel happy, even if it is in a nostalgic, teary kind of way. I’m thankful and feel blessed, knowing I’ve had a good life and have so many wonderful memories to treasure. Sometimes that’s what it takes to help resolve some of those crazy, uncomfortable feelings so I can finally take some of my emotional walls down.
---Recap from previous topics ---Shary wrote: "I am thankful for being in one place for my kids. But I sometimes feel I must move. I have learned to rearrange rooms to satisfy my move urge, we have had our bedroom in three different rooms."
Shary - I have been thinking about the above the past few days because I have been fixing things around the house and replaced a broken faucet with one that looks very different. Haha. Then I started thinking of new light fixtures, and rearranging things because it makes me feel like I moved. Do you feel that this always works for you? Interesting strategy!!
Gill wrote: "despite only the one international move i have developed a number of the traits described in the book "
Hi Gill! I mostly grew up in Malaysia too! What you said is very true -- one doesn't have to move frequently but just being in the environment where everyone is globally mobile can impact you similarly to having been the ones who left. People around you, like you mentioned disappeared and reappeared, or perhaps you knew them only for a short while before they had to leave. The impact on someone during the developmental years can be underestimated by those who had a stable environment. Do you think the next section in this chapter also applies to your personal experiences, given the above?
---Recap from previous topics ---Shary wrote: "I am thankful for being in one place for my kids. But I sometimes feel I must move. I have learned to rearrange rooms to satisfy my move urge, we have had our bedroom in three different rooms."
Shary - I have been thinking about the above the past few days because I have been fixing things around the house and replaced a broken faucet with one that looks very different. Haha. Then I started thinking of new light fixtures, and rearranging things because it makes me feel like I moved. Do you feel that this always works for you? Interesting strategy!!
Gill wrote: "despite only the one international move i have developed a number of the traits described in the book "
Hi Gill! I mostly grew up in Malaysia too! What you said is very true -- one doesn't have to move frequently but just being in the environment where everyone is globally mobile can impact you similarly to having been the ones who left. People around you, like you mentioned disappeared and reappeared, or perhaps you knew them only for a short while before they had to leave. The impact on someone during the developmental years can be underestimated by those who had a stable environment. Do you think the next section in this chapter also applies to your personal experiences, given the above?
---Recap of The Transition Experience" (Involvement, Leaving, Transition, Entering, Reinvolvement) ---Sharon wrote: "In fact, only a few months ago I suddenly came to the shocking realization that I have been expecting one day to return back to life as I left in in Mexico. I had no idea I was waiting to go back - not just back to the country but back to the life the way I knew it. Of course it's an impossibility, and that is was a heart-breaking. Now that I know going back is never going to happen I can start leaving and letting go. "
Sharon - isn't it interesting how our minds or psyches can work both in linear terms as well as non-linear? On one level you were moving on and "transitioning" to new places but also had not begun the process of "leaving" Mexico. Yet our emotions are linear in that by skipping "leaving' you had to go back. Do you notice anything you'd like to share about this process of "leaving" Mexico at this point in your life now? What among the "Reasons for Unresolved Grief" helps explain what you experienced? I hope the next section has helped you in the process of this recent discovery.
mkPLANET wrote: "The first time I reached the Reinvolvement stage was in my host country, Austria, where I felt accepted by my friends and deeply integrated in our wider community. Once we moved back to our passport country, Canada, I barely finished the Entering stage before we moved again (within Canada). This happened several times before finally reaching a longer-term 'home' where I felt known, accepted, and integrated again."
Dana/MKPlanet - Do you think experiencing more than one stage at the same time or having such a brief "stop" at some of the stages affected you how went through them? .. Also, that story from p. 68 is so moving. When I imagine the big picture, however, I somehow think that their friends knew why their friend had to seem cold to leave, or perhap realized it later.
Deanne wrote: "The problem is, the more time that goes by, especially when I do start letting the memories back in, or I’m faced with being back in that area again or crossing paths with some of those people from before, or even just hear from them, I'm plagued with feelings of guilt (I wasn't a good friend, didn't say in touch), regret (I should have invested myself more; I shouldn't have let go of people that I loved so much), personal loss (I will never have that life again), and fear of disappointment (we’re not going to reconnect like before; it’s not going to be the same ever again, or feel like home anymore). It’s a hodgepodge of uncomfortable feelings that makes me want to avoid reconnecting again.
But here’s the really amazing thing: despite my emotional reluctance to reconnect or revisit the past, when I do see old friends again, revisit old stomping grounds, look through an old photo album … it’s all good. In fact, it’s great, and I’m ok. I enjoy it. I feel happy, even if it is in a nostalgic, teary kind of way. I’m thankful and feel blessed, knowing I’ve had a good life and have so many wonderful memories to treasure. Sometimes that’s what it takes to help resolve some of those crazy, uncomfortable feelings so I can finally take some of my emotional walls down. "
Deanne - Thank you for sharing. Much of what you said in your post relates to the next topics - (Fear of Denying the Good, Hidden Losses, Lack of Permission to Grieve, Lack of Time to Process, Lack of Comfort) - What among these can you relate to and what helped grieve?
----LAST TOPIC FOR DISCUSSION -----"Reasons for Unresolved Grief" (Fear of Denying the Good, Hidden Losses, Lack of Permission to Grieve, Lack of Time to Process, Lack of Comfort)
This are very big topics! In a way I wish we could have one week on this topic alone. Unresolved grief is pretty much the cornerstone and foundation of what many of us experience and how some of us get "stuck" some where because we werent able to process The Transition Process.
Questions -
In what ways can you relate to the various reasons for unresolved grief?
What helped you grieve successfully?
great discussions and leadership on this chapter. thanks. Just wanted to comment on what Deanne wrote about how she disconnects with the past to save pain and then feels guilt about it and yet when there is a reconnection, it is almost instant. Such is my repeated experience but it's the first time I've read it so clearly stated by another. When we left Liberia after nine years there as an adult, I realized after a copule of months in the states that I had this huge stack of snail mail...all unopened. it was from my super wonderful friends from my small group in Liberia. We had been through so much together, including the rice riots in 1979 and the coup in 1980. We had walked with each other in deep personal trials. One thing in the expat community is that because family is far away friends become that extended family in crisis times. anyhow, suddenly the tears and sobs that come from your toenails through your body engulfed me and I heard myself saying "Don't i EVER get to keep my friends?" I guess the resolution there for me was processing that grief through acknowledging the losses of a mobile lifestyle but then accepting the reality that if indeed my "calling" included being a "stranger and a pilgrim" throughout life, then I would embrace that for the many blessings that also entailed and not run from the inevitable goodbyes but do my best to grieve them well as they happened instead of just ignoring them. Haven't done it perfectly but what you wrote Deanne certainly reminded me of my own story. thanks for sharing and for all your great recapping too, Myra
I have the older (2001) book, and my chapter 5 doesn't seem to have anything on this next discussion point. ("Reasons for Unresolved Grief" (Fear of Denying the Good, Hidden Losses, Lack of Permission to Grieve, Lack of Time to Process, Lack of Comfort) Is it in Chapter 11?
In that edition it is in chapter 11 I think...the chapter on hidden loss or unresolved grief..the chapter starts on page 165. This was one of the chapters changed most in terms of order of the material for the revision but I believe it is all there essentially in the first book in chapter 11...see if I am right!
Myra, I so relate to your need to feel like you've moved. While I'm not a TCK myself, I was a very mobile preacher's kid. The longest we ever stayed anywhere was 4 years. Ironically, we had that same pattern on the mission field where my children grew up.Right now, that urge to move is very strong after being in our retirement home just 4 years. There's no way we're going to move. Nor do I want to go through the whole exhausting process of doing so ever again. Yet I have such a hankering that's like extreme boredom with everything.
Never thought of it as a positive until this forum. Maybe I needed to live seven decades to be able to see it that way. As a kid, setting up housekeeping and starting fresh in a new house was like an odd antidepressant for me, as I look back. It was the only time my parents seemed to give themselves permission to throw out anything or buy something new. Moving requires taking stock--not just of things, but of our lives as we sort out what is no longer useful. Perhaps I welcome that taking of inventory that goes with it, allowing me to make room for more creativity in my life.
Of course, departures, then trying to find acceptance and dealing with any sense of rejection in new relationships were the downers.
I'm wondering: Does anyone else have difficulty giving yourself permission to make purchases for household items while staying in the same house?
Dee wrote: "Does anyone else have difficulty giving yourself permission to make purchases for household items while staying in the same house?"Thank you, Dee! Missionary and preacher's kids are actually considered TCK's, including those who grew up with a mobile lifestyle in one country. To answer your question, I don't like to add more things to what i have unless it serves a function, but I have a hard time letting go of things that serve as souvenirs for a period of my life that involved someone who passed away or for example, or a rite of passage, or from my childhood. I lost a bunch of my yearbooks during one of my moves and I had to numb myslef from that loss but I also now try to keep "souvenirs" to small packages or items, haha.
----- Thank you and looking foward to next chapter -----I want to say thank you to everyone who joined us for this chapter. You are all of course free to add more comments but I wanted to say thank you before the book club moved on to the next chapter.
I wanted to end with my reply to author Ruth Van Reken, who took the time to join us for this chapter, because what I say to her at the very end, I also wish to say to you all ...
Ruth wrote: "...because family is far away friends become that extended family in crisis times. anyhow, suddenly the tears and sobs that come from your toenails through your body engulfed me and I heard myself saying "Don't i EVER get to keep my friends?""
Hi Ruth! Thank you for taking the time to join this thread and for your kind words. I find myself thinking what you stated above about keeping freinds. When loss is all you know, there is a different level of "insecurity" that most people who grow up in one place do not understand. In friendships today, friendships or relationships in general that I risk being vulnerable in, that stage of deciding whether to be vulnerable or not in is always such a big process for me and I find that it is not a one time event but can happen in different stages itself. I can imagine how others can so easily misunderstand it because the standards of what an adult should be secure about by now and can handle is based on people who grew up with stability and friendships with people you can continue seeing in person and eating a meal/ sharing a car ride/ sharing a hug with for years and through different life stages.... very very different from the typical lifestyle of a TCK. And very frequently underestimated and easily dismissed when someone just says, "get over it!" "you are using your TCK background as a crutch." "you should have figured it out by now" "strength is moving beyond your past" etc., etc... Some people really just don't know, but this is precisely why we're here - to tackle unresolved grief.
Thank you for the healing you put out in the world, Ruth!
All the words I have shared above, for those who have experienced similar message are so much more bearable because of what you have put out there. I thank Dana for having this book club because it helps to bring out validation among one another. I also want to thank all of you again for being open enough to share what you have so that others can feel like they are not alone.
Whenever we all engage as TCK's I hope it serves to help bring healing where it is needed, unity where people feel alone, and empowerment where we find our voice to start our stories like, "No, I'm NOT weird, weak or haven't figured it out. I'm actually very strong...".
Hope to see you all on our TCKid private forum thats been around for several years now for continued story-sharing (you may sign on on our home page at www.tckid.com). We would like to also know who from here is interested in having a prescheduled live online chat event on TCKid's forum after all the chapters have been discussed, so please let me and Dana know!
Remember: Smile because you have a tribe and keep sharing your stories!!! (Visit us also at TCKid TV on youtube)
Myra, I find it amazing at how, despite similarities, those of us with mobile childhoods have a wide variety of adaptive coping styles. I'm the opposite in the saving department, perhaps because my frugal parents were both savers. I think that was because of their Great Depression childhoods, so I tried to go the opposite direction as a way of paring down. I sometimes feel guilty that I hardly saved any of those sweet, little things my children crafted through the years--whereas my mother saved every report card of mine! The "child" in me is slowly breaking loose of the frugal aspect. Perhaps that serves as a ray of hope for you younger ones, trying to overcome the downsides of being a TCK. We do have choices, despite our tendencies. I think that's important to remember.
Mod
To Myra and Erin, I want to say thank you for guiding us through the issues in your chapter. It's been an encouraging and insightful week!
A quick note to book club members: Please do check out TCKid.com, and TCKid TV, as Myra mentioned. You'll find a wealth of information and an active TCK community that would be happy to meet you.
As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!
Sorry for the late response to this chapter! My mother has been visiting, and my daughters came at the same time, to see her, so it has been a busy week. I think that for me the unresolved grief issue is important because for so long it was unexpected, as well. And then,out of the blue it would hit me so hard I would have to stop and deal with it in order to go on. For example,once I was getting ready to speak about being a TCK at an education conference in Budapest, and I was commenting that for my generation it was not as difficult as for the preceding generation, because those children were typically left behind for school and spent up to "six years separated from parents before they turned 19." So then I added up how many years I had spend separated from my parents before I turned 19, in contrast, and it was 5 1/2. I was stunned that it was so many years, and I had to stop and mourn the death of my family all over again.On the issue of hating to throw away cherished items, I never had a choice as a child. I could bring 2 suitcases and a carry on home with me, which did not leave much room for souvenirs. When we came back from Hungary three years ago, my husband shipped a container of all my favorite things back to Kansas. When we set up home here, my only request was that we not purchase and bring in to our home anything we did not really love. That has been a good plan. No junky computer desks from Walmart! One room of our house is the Africa room, with all the souvenirs my mother has given me over the years. The living room is the Europe room, with paintings from all over the continent displayed. Of course,when I finish my dissertation next year we will likely have to move so I can get a job and I will have to reevaluate all these possessions one more time!
Myra wrote: "Jared wrote: "I am a TCK who definitely grew up with a highly mobile life. I was born in Canada, but moved to the US (1) before we moved to (formerly West) Germany (2) and then Austria (3). Once we..."Sorry, Myra, for not responding sooner. Thank you for your comments! “Mutts” is an appropriate description. I also tend to think of myself as a floating island unto myself often…a ‘mutt island.’ :-)
hi myrai think the fact that there was only the one transition and it was sadly a bit of a disaster area and a lesson how not to had a lasting impact on how i (and my sister) can manage change of any sort, and particularly significant ones which for my part tend to result in anxiety, panic and depression. so instead of developing resilience the opposite has occurred. this relates also to travel and shifting countries as an adult. whilst i constantly have itchy feet and think I'm not in the right place, and that i have to get to the right place very often when i travel i disappear down a wormhole of historical trauma ... that I'm lost and am never going to get home. this is unpleasant to say the least and has meant for much of my adult life i have suffered discontent with where i am and had terrible travel experiences. incidentally this leaves me right now with a sense of "tck shame" that I'm not a real tck because i have such problems with mobility.
and also ... in respect of the section on unresolved grief i just want to say how totally brilliant and fantastic this part of the book is. i SO identify and it was wonderful to see those words and explanations and descriptors on the page.i was so so upset when we returned to the uk but i was told to get over it, or get on with things, or signed up to clubs and the like when i could hardly function, or taken to the doctor (who said i had "nerves" but i guess it was 1967). I've known this is a problem for quite a long time but this section gave me a lot of language and information to help me articulate ... in my mind and to others. the connection with other tcks including what is written here is really helping me move forward with the unresolved grief ...
Myra Dumapias is an educator and the part time CEO of nonprofit organization TCKid: A Home for Third Culture Kids . With an extensive background in nonprofit management, research and social work, Myra accepted the torch of leadership from TCKid founder Bricer Royer in 2011. Since then, Myra transformed TCKid, which began as a private forum for TCKs when "TCK" hardly had social media presence, into a 501(c)(3) nonprofit public charity with additional programs such as TCKid Research Bridge , which promotes global cross-cultural research and aims to cultivate relationships between researchers and the public, and TCKid TV , as an educational tool. Myra also launched The Last Boardindg Call , a resource for globally mobile families and individuals who at some point may find themselves tackling aging, disability and caregiving issues, in recognition that support systems do not usually address the globally mobile aging process. As a Social Work professor, she integrates global awareness into cultural competency standards.
Daughter of a second generation career diplomat and Third Culture Adult mother born with itchy feet, her developmental years are colored with memories of walking on water in an imperial garden in Beijing, eating freshly made Roti for breakfast on Sundays in Kuala Lumpur, observing the human spirit of Romanian gypsies and revolutionaries in Bucharest, and the smell of bakeries in Hamburg. Her son, also a TCK, spent a part of his developmental years in Manama, Bahrain and different states in the U.S. Myra also lived in South Korea, Philippines and the Mid-West in the US.
FACILITATOR: ERIN SINOGBA
Erin Sinogba is a development worker, communications specialist, and passionate advocate of the environment and transnational communities. She has been an active volunteer with TCKid since 2009, where she has since taken on the position of Executive Assistant in 2010 and the Local Chapter Leader of TCKid Philippines since 2012. She also advocates for TCKs and other transnational people at TIGRA (Transnational Institute for Grassroots Research and Action) Philippines, where she started a program for transnational children and youth in the Philippines and currently serves as a Board member. Erin is a self-identified Filipino third culture kid who has lived in South Korea (where she was born), the Philippines, Grenada, and the U.S.A.