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Author: Raevyn
Title: Algebra and Mystery Meat
Short Description: Haikus from a teacher's POV
Content Warning: None unless you really hate school humor....
Link: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
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Author: Allison
Title: i am a monster
Short Description: Freeverse poem
Content warning: none
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L...
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The deadline for workshopping these pieces is 7/5/15. Please either post your feedback here or post a link to where you left your feedback. Thanks!
Raevyn - Left something on your thread!Allison - I like the formatting and some of the word choice of this poem. I think it could work very well as a spoken word piece versus a freeverse poem, but the free form is fine too, so you don't have to change anything. There are some words inside, though, that I would change - for example, instead of saying "jerk," which kind of distracts from the mood you're setting up, you can use words that relate back to the "monster" theme you have, and it's a great chance to flaunt your vocabulary and start using vivid adjectives to really paint a clear picture in people's minds. Try comparing yourself to the person you're writing about, maybe? Illustrate that gap that others believe to exist?
Otherwise everything is fine! Your poetry has grown and matured a lot since you first joined.
Thank you so much, Hayden! That means a lot coming from you!
Raevyn:It's sooooooooo hard to write haikus, so I admire you for how well written these are. I've tried haikus and they all fail. Some of the haikus seems like they could also be from a student's or tutor's point of view, so if you want it to be strictly from a teacher's point of view, I'd work on making it a little more obvious in the actual haiku rather than the disclaimer. A haiku doesn't have to be just three lines--you could add more, just following the same pattern, and it could still be the same poem. I would also recommend looking into that to add more length and variety. I think your word choice is fine, considering that it's a haiku and haikus are hard to change the word choice. Your imagery is nice and fits the humor of the poems.
I really enjoyed reading these: they made me smile. Keep working on haikus--not many people can write good ones, but you certainly can.
Mod
Here are our submissions for this week:
Author: Allison
Genre: Poetry
Title: You Are Obsessed
Short Description: Freeverse Poem/For Spoken Word
Content Warning: None
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X...
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Author: Alyssa
Genre: Fiction
Title: By Blood Undone
Short Story or Novel: Novel in-progress
Genre: High fantasy
Short Plot Description: Story of magic, war, and rebellion
Content Warning: --
Link: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
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The deadline for workshopping these pieces is 7/13/15. Please either post your feedback here or post a link to where you left your feedback. Thanks!
Alyssa,I only had time to read the first chapter, but I'm impressed. Your word choice is very nice and paints a clear picture in my mind. So far, I like the main character. The only piece of advice I have to give you for the first chapter is, in the first couple paragraphs, you use "I'd" and "They'd" a lot. I would recommend using "I had" or "They had" a little bit more. It would sound more natural in some situations. I would also recommend explaining some of your fantasy terms a little bit more, to prevent confusion. I think it's really good and you hooked me in. Good job! :)
Mod
You are so obsessed with your fight for attention that you’ll go to desperate measures--
Or plan B. Holy wow, this line is intense. I don't know, I love the way it flows- angsty and lyrical- and then breaks off "Or plan B" so abruptly. And it makes me need to know what Plan B is.
The intensity and emotions in this poem continue to be strong throughout and it's very powerful and raw and real.
The content in this poem seems extremely personal and whether it is or not, I think it could be even more powerful if you added some specific details to the poem. Instead of just "I would've told you to look on his personality" you could add something about his personality- "he always holds the door open for Mrs. Bruette when she's trying to carry a huge stack of books into the classroom" or "he didn't laugh during the video about the atomic bomb like the rest of the class." Why was the girl supposedly obsessed with Jordan? Did she say it was because of his hair? His shoes? His singing voice? I think in poetry, especially spoken word, the tiny details are what make it so vivid and wonderful to read or listen to.
Amazing job!
Mod
Alicia (Lav) wrote: "Allison, You are so obsessed with your fight for attention that you’ll go to desperate measures--
Or plan B. Holy wow, this line is intense. I don't know, I love the way it flows- angsty and lyri..."
Thank you so much! :)
Mod
This week's submissions:
Author: Alicia
Title: Smoke Machine Induced Fog
Short Story or Novel: Short Story
Genre: Realistic Fiction
Short Plot Description: A girl writes a play about depression and wants to use a smoke machine to symbolism how depression feels. The lead actress thinks the smoke machine is stupid.
Content Warning: a little bit of swearing
Link: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
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Author: Bidemi
Genre: Poetry
Title: Cataleya
Short Description: poem about a girl who committed suicide from a lovers point of view.
Content Warning: none I can think of.
Link: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
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Author: Allison
Genre: Poetry
Title: My Hero, Why Are You Leaving Me?
Short Description: Freeverse Poem/For Spoken Word
Content Warning: None
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T...
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The deadline for workshopping these pieces is 7/20/15. Please either post your feedback here or post a link to where you left your feedback. Thanks!
@BidemiYour word choice is very nice and really conveys the feeling of the poem. The only suggestions I have for you are: What does the dove mean? Maybe take a stanza or two to tell more about it. And it's hard to tell that the lover is the girl's lover. I would suggest making this fact a little bit more obvious. Otherwise, I think this poem is really nicely done. Good job:)
Mod
Wow, this poem is painful and beautiful. There's a lot of gorgeous imagery like the ocean and the sailboat and the ink as blood. I think it would be really awesome if you played up the fairytale aspects of the poem, but that might just be because I love fairytale imagery and symbolism.
Also, there's a lot going on in this poem when it comes to style which was a bit distracting for me? Especially the part where the letters in all caps spell out a message. I think because it's not something that runs through the entire poem, it's a bit jarring when it starts happening. I would try to make the poem a bit more uniform when it comes to capitalization, style, sentence structure and all of that so that the times it does change have even more impact, if that makes sense.
Overall, I loved it. I can really feel the hurt and the loss of an ideal it conveys.
Alicia (Lav) wrote: "Allison, Wow, this poem is painful and beautiful. There's a lot of gorgeous imagery like the ocean and the sailboat and the ink as blood. I think it would be really awesome if you played up the f..."
Thanks you so much!
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Author: Allison
Title: Day After Day
Short Description: Freeverse Poem/For Spoken Word about a girl's struggles with her video-game loving friend.
Content Warning: None
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_...
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Author: Brigid ;)
Title: Thank You, But I'm Never Coming Back
Short Story or Novel: Short Story
Genre: Realistic/Historical Fiction
Short Plot Description: about a teenage girl in the 60s who likes horror movies
Content Warning: None
Link: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
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The deadline for workshopping these pieces is 8/3/15. Please either post your feedback here or post a link to where you left your feedback. Thanks!
This thread is not for submissions! If you would like to submit a piece, please do so in the "Submissions" thread. If you have any questions or suggestions about workshopping, please post them here.
Each week (on Monday) I will make a comment in this topic saying which three pieces are up for workshopping. There are two ways you can submit feedback (or you can do both, if you want to):
- Post your feedback in the location the writer linked to. However, if you do this, you must post a link to where you wrote the feedback in this thread so I know the writer has received feedback.
- Post your feedback directly in this thread.
- Either way, make sure you specify which piece you're critiquing.
Please Note:
You are not required to read all of the pieces. You may choose which one(s) you want to critique. However, I strongly suggest that you prioritize stories that have not gotten feedback yet.
We want everyone to get feedback if they want it. Each piece must get feedback from at least one person before it is considered "workshopped." If a piece gets no feedback during its designated week, it will continue to be a workshop piece the following week (thus, taking the spot from whatever piece would have been up next). So if you are waiting to have a piece workshopped, it is strongly suggested that you give feedback to others in order to keep the line moving.
Below are the forms for providing feedback. These are meant to be a guide, but you are not required to use them and you can alter them as you please. While you can give critiques any way you want to, in order for your feedback to count it must be relatively thorough (at least approximately a paragraph's-worth of writing). It doesn't have to be essay-length or anything, but please be thoughtful and constructive.
Feedback Forms:
Fiction:
Plot:
Setting:
Characters:
Writing:
Other/General Comments:
Poetry:
Imagery:
Structure:
Word Choice:
Other/General Comments: