MK & TCK Book Club discussion
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Third Culture Kids
The "Third Culture Kids" Book
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Chapter 6: Benefits and Challenges
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Besides the drawbacks of family separation and the very real adjustment on the permanent return to the [home country], a child growing up abroad has great advantages. He [or she] learns, through no conscious act of learning, that thoughts can be transmitted in many languages, that skin color is unimportant... that certain things are sacred or taboo to some people while to others they're meaningless, that the ordinary word of one area is a swearword in another.
We have lived in Tulsa for five years... I am struck again and again by the fact that so much of the sociology, feeling for history, geography, questions [about] others that our friends' children try to understand through textbooks, my sisters and I acquired just by living.
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What parts of your experience come to mind when you read this quote?
Hello everyone!This chapter begins to delve into one of the many dichotomies of TCK/MK life, the tension of the benefits and challenges of growing up internationally.
This week, we'll go through one of each of the benefit/challenges each day, with a broader general discussion of the skills and challenges TCK/MK children and adults experience and bring to their lives, workplaces and families.
Tuesday:
Expanded worldview v. Confused loyalties
Wednesday:
3D understanding of the world v. Painful awareness of reality
Thursday:
Cross-cultural enrichment v. ignorance of the home culture
Today, Tuesday:Expanded worldview v. confused loyalties
1) Where have you found an expanded worldview (either of you or your family) has aided or positively impacted your life? Was this in the work place? Your personal life? Where did you build this expanded worldview?
2) Have you experienced contrasting or conflicting loyalties built from your international life? How has this impacted your relationships? How did you navigate the challenge?
3) How does your current country of residence integrate or understand the benefits and challenges of international citizens? Is this part of the current political or social discourse where you are? How do you contribute?
Sorry I’m a day late in answering these questions!1) Where have you found an expanded worldview (either of you or your family) has aided or positively impacted your life? Was this in the work place? Your personal life? Where did you build this expanded worldview?
Much is made of diversity in my workplace, but I find that it tends to boil down to accepting what one doesn’t understand. With my TCK experience, it means much more to me and involves truly understanding others. I’m sure there are others who take this view who are not TCKs, but generally the messaging is sadly the former rather than the latter. In this context, I value that my TCK experiences have created this awareness which allows me to pursue this understanding. I might have been blind to this issue had I not grown up as I did.
2) Have you experienced contrasting or conflicting loyalties built from your international life? How has this impacted your relationships? How did you navigate the challenge?
Not really. The worst part for me is what team to root for when I’m watching the World Cup. :P Generally I tend to be more non-committal and I definitely don’t have a slavish or uncritical loyalty to any nation—although I am very thankful for the countries where I’ve lived, warts and all.
3) How does your current country of residence integrate or understand the benefits and challenges of international citizens? Is this part of the current political or social discourse where you are? How do you contribute?
Canada is self-defined as a mosaic of cultures. But we still see the clash of different cultural values and those expressions with a predominately western, secular value system at work in our government. Politics often amounts to giving something to the different groups for their votes at the expense of looking at what is best for the country as a whole. It’s an interesting conundrum.
This is harder for me to readily identify examples of because most of the time we aren't aware that our awareness of things is anything unique. But for sure, with TCK-ness comes and expanded worldview, confused loyalties, etc. I can quickly feel embarrassed by Americans when I'm overseas or in a cross-cultural setting, and wish I could hide my skin color. There really is such a thing as The Ugly American and I have more than once apologized for my countrymen. But I can also get a lump in my throat in a Stateside patriotic setting celebrating our country, our flag, our military.
About a year or so after my son said goodbye to his childhood home of PNG (born and raised there until he graduated from highschool), we gave him some PNG paraphenalia and momentos/trinkets that we thought he'd be really excited over. In PNG he wore a stocking cap almost every day, just like all his PNG friends. And he wore the rubber gasket bracelets, like everyone else, and it was very much "his thing." But when presented with these sorts of things here in the U.S. he wouldn't wear them or use them. He didn't even seem interested in anything "PNG" - which was weird. But the next day when his dad asked if he had liked his gifts, he said he did, but that, It makes no sense culturally to wear those things in the U.S. No one can relate to it. There's no place for them here, and it's not "who he is" here. If he was in PNG, it would be great. But he has no use for them here.
That surprised me a little, even though I'm also a TCK, but I think it's a good example of confused loyalties, maybe? I feel like he should be more loyal to his PNG roots, but he finds it hard to reconcile them with living in the U.S. as an American.
The expanded worldview allows us to clue in quicker to life around us. Our minds are more open to other possibilities, other ways of thinking and looking at things. Ironically, though, we seem to struggle the most when trying to reenter and adapt to our own passport-country culture. But I think there are other reasons for that. It's not so much that we can't figure out how the culture works, but it's a reluctance to embrace it because we don't share the same values, the same perspectives as our mono-cultural friends. And there is also the discomfort and embarrassment of not being sure of cultural cues when it's expected of you.
I will share some more thoughts later. I have a meeting to go to, so gotta run.
I loved the story in the book about the falklands war, that really made me smile. i think my reaction to the hostility encountered when returning to the uk was to retreat into my own personal world and my memories. to move to a "better than" and "separate to" position as my happy place and coping mechanism - which has basically lasted forever. as a result i find myself even now loathing the uk, the countryside, everyone in the uk, british politics etc etc.
of course it gets a bit complicated when we get to colonialism which is of course in very very many ways the most awful and painful part of the british part ... but the creator of my home abroad.
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i think my reaction to the hostility encountered when returning to the uk was to retreat into my own personal wo..."
Interesting conundrum, Gill, dealing with the UK's colonial history and how it created the world that gave you a wonderful childhood. That 'complication' hadn't crossed my mind before.
Hi all!Apologies for the late posts. Some immigration emergencies crept in to clients this week.
In expanding on the tension between confused loyalties and an expanded worldview comes the robust understanding TCKs/MKs have of the world that can clash with the painful impact of understanding realities abroad
1) When have you experienced connection, whether a celebration or tragedy, with something abroad, that wasn't felt the same way by people around you in your country of residence? How did it impact you, and how were you able (or not able) to share the experience with your peers?
2) How have you seen the benefit of a broadened worldview in your life? Career? Family?
3) What's one thing that you wish other people (either who have not been TCKs or who haven't lived in your mix of countries) know about somewhere you have lived?
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1) I often feel that connection with something abroad when tragedies are reported in the news. I think of children and parents separated by disasters, crime, disease, or war, and I feel absolutely devastated for them. If I don't limit my emotional reaction, I can sometimes let myself empathize too much... I was this way before I became a Mom, but now that I have my own child, this reaction has become more acute. And I've met very few people who react the same way.
2) One benefit that a broadened worldview has given me is flexibility in communication and relationships. Because I'm aware that cultures influence the different ways people relate with one another, I begin to anticipate this and I'm able to mentally adjust to new ways of communicating as soon as I detect that typical North American expectations aren't called for in a particular situation. I may not know the culture and expectations of the person I'm talking with, but I tune into their cues and ask questions when possible.
3) It's hard to choose just one thing... I wish my friends south of the border could spend time getting to know Canada's people and culture, just long enough to realize that many of their stereotypes of us aren't true. I also wish people understood Germany and Austria's complicated history and the development of their (distinct!) identities since WW2, because stereotypes and attitudes float around about both of them which also aren't helpful. For instance, many of Germany's younger generations, those who weren't alive during WW2, are horrified by the things that happened leading up to and during the war, yet they're still burdened with a sort of collective guilt. About 15 years ago, a German friend went on vacation in another western European country. He was about 20 years old at the time, and went with a friend. When a group of local youth heard the two speak German, the group stretched out their arms in a mock Nazi salute and glared at the Germans until they left the area. It's a shame, and I wish more people understood the complicated, multi-layered, and subtle ways that Germans and Austrians are still dealing with the legacy of that war.
It’s hard for me to answer these questions since I really haven’t had that experience. I also don’t have a great desire that others know something about where I’ve lived. I mean, I do like sharing some of the fun stories I have about growing up in Austria, but their absence of knowledge doesn’t really bother me. That’s probably because I don’t mind keeping to myself.
Hi all!Final questions for the week! Thanks to everyone for your participation!
With cross cultural enrichment v. ignorance of the home culture
The benefit of this is intertwined with the other two we have discussed so far. TCK/MKs have a broad sense and understanding of cultures abroad, which can often come at a cost (though this is changing with the internet) of understanding the home culture.
My own experience of this benefit is that when I've lived abroad, I felt much more deeply and sterotypically Canadian. I followed hockey, CBC Radio, sung the praises of Canadian authors and clung to my 'Canadian' specialness.
However, as soon as I moved home, I've ceased following hockey (because I don't really care about it), and don't find myself doing or saying characteristically 'Canadian' things any more, at least not as a self-identity. And I'm often mistaken for an American now, in my home of Vancouver.
Which brings me to my questions
1) What anecdote or experience have you had in missing a pop culture reference in your country of origin (if any)
2) Do you find yourself experiencing a different identity of nationality when abroad v. home?
Cheers!
We had no access to TV at all when we were in Malaysia so when my sister and I returned to the UK there was a whole missing genre of childrens TV. I have kept getting caught out by this one throughout my life when people reminisce about early childrens TV and I'm left thinking "How do I not know this?!" and then realising. In Malaysia we were British and that seemed something to be proud of. When we got back to the UK I had no sense of being British at all. I didnt know what I was I knew I was not Malaysian but I also knew I did not belong where I had landed. I was totally alone and totally at a loss. I was in a vile nowhwere and I wanted to go back, more than anything in the world. And at some level I have felt likethatever since. gill
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A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!
Danielle starting working in the mobility field five years ago, wanting to bring her knowledge of the expat side of the mobility world to the corporate world. Like many TCKs she and her family have a mix of citizenships and permanent residencies, spanning 3 continents. This June, she'll have lived in one city for 6 years consecutively, which is the most of any place at any time. She is of course starting to plan her next move and reorganize her furniture. Located in Vancouver, Danielle recently founded Blankslate Partners with a former lululemon colleague, working to bring mobility, recruiting and HR expertise to rapidly growing companies in Vancouver and beyond. In her free time, she works with her fiance in his video game company, is learning to make clay pots, and sometimes sits in the hammock and reads trashy romance novels.