Young Writers Group discussion
Writing (Names Start w/A-M)
>
Evelynn's Writing
date
newest »
newest »
Wow, really great! I look forward to reading the rest...if you decide to post it.
Wow, thank you Sarah! I will consider posting more of "The Pirate's Daughter", but I was thinking more along the lines of posting bits and pieces of different stories.
There's some beautiful, evocative imagery here that is excellent and really makes it draw the reader in. Like everyone's writing, could benefit from a critique group, but really great nonetheless.
Thanks, John! I appreciate the comments.
Okay, this is the prologue for a fanfic I'm writing based on the Disney movie Wreck-It Ralph. I hope ya'll like it!Prologue
I'm not exactly what you'd call a "normal kid". Nope. Normal kids play games. See, I'm in a game. Well, technically, I don't have a game of my own like my mom and dad do. I just hang around Game Central Station with Q*Bert.
...Maybe I should start from the beginning.
My dad is Fix-it Felix, Jr. (from the game Fix-it Felix, Jr.) and my mom is Sergeant Tamora Jean Calhoun (from the game Hero's Duty). They fell in love during the attempted takeover by King Candy, aka Turbo (which was before my time, of course) and got married not too long after. Then, about a year later, they decided they wanted a kid: me.
They created a code for me and chose my features: my mom's face, my dad's nose (only smaller, with freckles across it), blue eyes like both my parents', and then...white-bordering-on-blond straight hair, cut like my mom's but without the half A-line. I'm still not sure where that came from, 'cause my mom has blond hair that reaches to her chin on the right side of her face and is short on the left side and in the back, and my dad has light brown hair that's...well, cut in a guy's style.
They also gave me an interesting feature. Unlike most game characters, I age and grow like a normal kid. Or, at least I will until I'm 25. So I actually started as a baby, and each year I've turned a year older.
It's been 17 years since they created my code. I'm a young woman now, almost fully grown. And they still think I need a babysitter! That's where Q*Bert comes in. He's my...babysitter. Sort of. More like my shadow. Or my controller.
See, I'm not supposed to visit other games while Mom and Dad are working in their own games. Either I stay in Game Central Station - where all the games are plugged in and meet - or I stay in Dad's game, 'cause it's the safest of the two games my parents are a part of. And since I don't belong in any particular game, I could die in any of them and never regenerate. Hero's Duty is highly dangerous for me because of that. But in Fix-it Felix, Jr., as long as I don't get in Uncle Ralph's way, I'm good. Oh, Wreck-it Ralph is the "bad guy" of Dad's game. But he's not really a bad guy. He's like an uncle to me.
But when the arcade is open, it gets a bit monotonous watching Uncle Ralph destroy the Nicelanders' penthouse over and over again, then Dad fixing it - over and over again. So I prefer to sit around Game Central Station. Where I often meet up with my friend, Sonic. He's that famous blue hedgehog who's faster than greased lightning. But while the arcade is open, he has a game to run too.
So that leaves Q*Bert to keep an eye on me, because his game was unplugged a long time ago. He has work now in my dad's game, but only in the bonus levels, and the times that kids who come into Mr. Litwak's arcade actually reach those levels are few and far between. And that gives him plenty of time to make sure I'm not getting into the "trouble" my parents imagine me getting into. Seriously, it's not like there's a guy I'm gonna run off with. I've known everybody in the arcade for years; they're practically family!
At least, I did, until a new game got plugged in.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. In fact, I haven't even told you my name!
I am Gwyn Jordan, the character with no game. But I will. Someday soon. I can feel it in my code.
Wow. I LOVED Wreck-It Ralph, so I got really excited when I saw what the story was based on. The last three lines are lovely; I love the "character with no game" and "I can feel it in my code". They're almost chilling (I nearly got chills) and sets up for an extremely successful story! I do hope you'll post more soon, because I'd really like to read this when it's completed (or even just along the way, chapter by chapter. It's intriguing)
Thank you so much, Sarah! I really appreciate the feedback! If more people show interest, I may post more here soon. :D
This is a [very] short story I wrote earlier this year based on the very beginning of The Great Depression, so I thought I might as well share it with you all. I hope you like it!In Times like These
“We lost everything—every last penny.”
Dad’s words didn’t sink in until Mom started crying. Little Willie dashed into the other room, apparently to make sure his toys were still where he’d left them. As for me, Carrie Ann, I felt an aching in my throat. Everything? It couldn’t all be gone! We were poor. Really poor. I gave Dad an unbelieving look before pushing past him to find something of comfort that would help me calm down.
I climbed the stairs to the attic, listening to the creaking of the old wood as I did. When I reached the attic door, I pulled it open and inhaled the scent of old things. Then, I sat down at my typewriter. Its ancient-looking keys and parts still ran like clockwork. I set my fingers in the appropriate places and began to type, my fingers forcing the sticking keys into submission.
October 29, 1929
It happened. Just as some of Dad’s friends predicted, everything Dad had invested in the stocks is gone. The bank where we kept out
I crossed out the word “out” and began typing again.
By this time, I was so angry and I was making so many mistakes, the typewriter was making the table shake from my pounding on the keys. Hot tears trailed down my face. I was typing so fast that the keys kept hitting into each other. Suddenly, another two keys stuck together. My eyes focused on them and I let out a cry of anger. I had half a mind to kick the old thing, but the other half said don’t, so I just sat there, staring at my mistake-ridden paper through blurred vision. A sob escaped unbidden, which released the rest that I had been holding since I’d heard the news. I crossed my arms on the table and buried my face in them.
Footsteps approached from behind. “Cawwie Ann, what’sth the matter? Isth the type-whiter not wowking again?” Willie.
I sniffled and turned to him. Just the sight of his big innocent brown eyes made me want to say that nothing was the matter, that it was going to be all right. “Come ‘ere, Squirt,” I managed to say, patting my knee.
Willie came and sat on my knee, then held up one of his favorite toys—a miniature Model T. “Can you fixth it?”
One of the tires had come off, leaving a car that would be lopsided if Willie tried to push it on the floor. I took the wheel and the car and studied them. “Well, Willie…I don’t think this is something I can fix.”
“Oh.” Willie’s face fell.
“But,” I added, more to myself than Willie, “things will get fixed soon, I promise.”
Willie’s eyes brightened, and he wrapped his arms around my neck and rested his head on my shoulder.
A million thoughts spun in my head. Would everything get fixed soon? I hoped so. But I couldn’t do anything about it. I could only hope—and pray—that things would turn out all right.
Mod
In Times like Th..."
I liked it. It almost made me cry. I thought it was interesting and that you should continue on with the story.
Evelynn wrote: "Here's a short teaser for one of my many stories. Please let me know what you think; I'm open to constructive criticism!..."Please write more of this! :D
Evelynn wrote: "Okay, this is the prologue for a fanfic I'm writing based on the Disney movie Wreck-It Ralph. I hope ya'll like it!..."I loved the movie, and I love this fanfic just as much. I want to know what happens to Gwyn. Will you be writing more of this??? I certainly hope so! :D
Evelynn wrote: "This is a [very] short story I wrote earlier this year based on the very beginning of The Great Depression, so I thought I might as well share it with you all. I hope you like it!..."This is very sad, but also really well written. I liked how you developed Carrie Ann's character while also developing Willie's character (as this little brother that looks up to his elder sibling). That's really hard to do in just one excerpt!
Nov13670 wrote: "I liked it. It almost made me cry. I thought it was interesting and that you should continue on with the story."Haha, wow, thanks! I'll consider continuing it! :)
Roxanne wrote: "Please write more of this! :D"
I don't know when I'll get around to writing more of The Pirate's Daughter, as right now I'm caught between my Wreck-It Ralph fanfiction and another book I'm working on, but this group will be the first to know if/when I do! :)
Roxanne wrote: "I loved the movie, and I love this fanfic just as much. I want to know what happens to Gwyn. Will you be writing more of this??? I certainly hope so! :D"
Now with this, I am writing more! :D
Roxanne wrote: "This is very sad, but also really well written. I liked how you developed Carrie Ann's character while also developing Willie's character (as this little brother that looks up to his elder sibling). That's really hard to do in just one excerpt!"
Oh wow, you really delved into that! I appreciate it! Thank you! :D
Okay, this is the prologue for a story I'm co-authoring with my best friend. It's kinda hard to explain how I'm co-authoring it, because this prologue is all mine. It's supposed to be two separate stories in one back-to-back volume, like the way the book Salem Witch is printed (if you haven't read it, I recommend reading it). Elizabeth's side of the story is entirely mine, and Maggie's story (Maggie is not mentioned in the prologue) is my best friend's work.Hopefully as you read the prologue it'll be obvious what time period it is. :)
Prologue
Robert of Locksley. Loyal servant to King Richard. And only to King Richard.
While Prince John ruled in his brother’s absence, many were afraid to show whom their allegiance was truly pledged to. Robert, on the other hand, was not.
Soon, people began to hear tales of a mysterious forester who stole from Prince John and his nobles and gave to the overtaxed poor, one who dressed in Lincoln green and conducted a band of men in Sherwood Forest—one who was called “Robin o’ the Hood.” Robert heard of him, too. Yet he seemed to pay no mind to the wild rumors circulating throughout the kingdom.
Then Much the miller was murdered by Prince John’s soldiers for refusing to give information concerning Robin Hood, and his son Dickon disappeared.
Some speculated that Dickon had run away, scared out of his wits and fearing for his life. Others said that Robin Hood had a hand in his disappearance, that he had spirited the young boy away to keep him safe and train him to become part of his outlawed band. Still more guessed that John’s soldiers had taken Dickon and sold him as a servant to pay his father’s taxes. But no one really knew what had happened to the boy. Until one of Robert’s servants discovered Much’s son hidden away in a room in Robert’s manor.
Seeking riches and honor, the traitorous servant notified Prince John and his sheriff of the boy’s whereabouts. Robert’s name was questioned. Was he in league with the forester thief? The truth was to be found out.
On the day he was to be wed to the Lady Marian, Robert and his cousin, Will Scathelocke, went to the church on his estate and found himself surrounded by Prince John’s soldiers. The sheriff, a man by the name of Guy of Gisborne, stepped to the front and shouted, “Robert of Locksley, I arrest you in the name of Prince John!”
Robert surveyed the group as though he had been expecting them. “What evidence can you bring against me?” he asked calmly. Will placed a hand on the hilt of his sword.
“Evidence enough to have you hanged, Locksley,” Guy threatened. “I accuse you of being an associate of the bandit and traitor Robin Hood!”
“An associate of…” Robert couldn’t finish his sentence, for he and Will exchanged glances and began to laugh hysterically. This sudden reaction took the otherwise immovable Sir Guy by surprise. When Robert finally controlled his mirth, he announced, “I wish that I could be an associate with the one Robin Hood, but that is impossible, since I am Robin!”
The answer was so blunt, so honest, that Sir Guy was again taken off guard. By the time Robert’s response sunk in, the outlaw and his cousin had escaped into the woods, and though the forest was searched, they were nowhere to be found. But now the rumor was confirmed. Robert of Locksley was now Robin Hood, outlaw of Sherwood Forest. And Will Scathelocke became Will Scarlett, the rebel leader’s right-hand man.
* * * * *
Four years earlier…
“Come forward, Sir Godfrey of Nottingham and Lady Tamsin.”
As my father and mother stepped closer to the thrones on which King Richard and the Queen Mother resided, I stood on the edges of the vast and grand hall. Every time my father brought my family to the court, I was awed by what I saw. The drab stone walls were decorated with numberless tapestries, King Richard’s coat of arms, and the royal family’s crest. The windows were higher than a tall man, and the ceiling seemed to taper off into blackness, it was so high.
Slowly, I drew my eyes back to my own level and caught a glimpse of a familiar figure standing beside his father. Dark, chin-length hair, handsome features, stature almost to his father’s height. I felt my cheeks go hot when he glanced at me. Someone jabbed my side.
“You are but twelve, and he is fifteen,” Olaf, my twin brother, whispered.
“Have a care for your own business,” I hissed back. As an afterthought, perhaps for the sake of goading him, I added, “I am still older than you.”
“By naught but ten minutes!”
A firm hand came down on both our shoulders. “Hush now!” the nursemaid, Haltah, scolded quietly. “Have you forgotten you are in the presence of the king and the queen mother? This behavior suits not the children of a knight and a lady.” She gave us both stern looks, then a twinkle came into her eye. “Olaf, I would believe your own business, though, is more urgent to you than that of Elizabeth’s.”
Olaf started to protest, but Haltah silenced him with a look. I stifled a giggle. That put him in his place.
When I looked back to where the boy had been standing, though, he was no longer there. A disappointed sigh escaped from me. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Elizabeth, may I speak with you for a moment?”
I turned to face the very boy I had been admiring. Though my heart beat a bit faster, I managed to keep my feelings from showing. “Yes, of course, Roderick.”
When he took my hand, a thrill ran through me. He led me a little bit away from the crowd and pulled me into the shadows of a passage doorway. I looked at Roderick expectantly, waiting for him to speak first.
“Have you heard the rumors of a man called ‘Robin Hood’?”
I pressed my lips together in thought. “No, I don’t believe so. Why?”
Roderick bit his lip. “He is a bandit who is fast becoming famous—or rather, infamous. My father is trying to put a stop to his trouble, thus he needs any information we can gather about him, his whereabouts, and his collaborators and followers.” He searched my face. “You are certain you and your family know nothing of him?”
I nodded.
Roderick sighed. His mahogany-colored eyes wandered as he thought. Then I realized he still held my hand in his. He seemed to become conscious of it at the same time, for he looked down at our hands, then looked back at my face. He studied it for a few moments, then dropped his gaze back to our hands. “If only you were as pretty as your dress, then perhaps…” His voice drifted off, leaving the sentence unfinished.
I felt my heart drop. “Perhaps” what? Did he really think me so…unsightly? I did not have time to ponder these questions, though, for then a collective gasp rose from the audience in the hall. Roderick and I turned in time to see my father catch my mother as she fainted.
“Mother!” I cried, taking my hand from Roderick’s grasp and running to her.
I forgot about everything that surrounded me as I reached Papa and saw Mother’s ashen face. The noise of the crowd faded as my mother opened her mouth to speak and I strained to hear her words. “Godfrey,” she breathed, her voice barely above a whisper, “take…take care of them. Take care…” She exhaled and went limp in Papa’s arms. I screamed. Papa cupped her head with his hand and held her tightly to him, slowly kneeling to the royal red carpet, his eyes firmly shut as tears coursed down his face. I suddenly became aware that I was sobbing, so when I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder, I spun around and wept in their arms. It was Roderick.
I recall the only sound in the court was the sound of bitter lamentation. That is what I remember of the palace: sorrow. My father never went back to court after my mother’s death. And neither did I. Until five years later.
This is my story.
This is really good! :D I look forward to reading more. ^w^
Mod
I really loved the story. I agree, you are a very talented writer. I really would like to read more. Outstanding job!
Aw, thank you so much Maribel and Nov13670!To everybody who's liked my writing: You guys are my reason for writing, and through your feedback you've helped me see that I could reach people through the words that I type. Thank you so much! :)
Evelynn wrote: "Thanks, Roxanne! :D"You're welcome! :)
Evelynn wrote: "To everybody who's liked my writing: You guys are my reason for writing, and through your feedback you've helped me see that I could reach people through the words that I type."Aw, thanks Evelynn! I'm glad that I could be of some help to you, and I'm sure everyone else feels the same way as well. ^w^
It's really good. Keep on working on it.
Roxanne wrote: "Aw, thanks Evelynn! I'm glad that I could be of some help to you, and I'm sure everyone else feels the same way as well. ^w^":D
Danielle wrote: "It's really good. Keep on working on it."
Thank you, Danielle! :D
My first time posting a story into my Goodreads writing thingy...I hope y'all like it. :) There's only one chapter so far, by the way. Also, it's sort of a new genre for me: realistic fiction. The places are made up.https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
♥✞♬ⓜⓐⓡⓘⓑⓔⓛ♬✞♥ ∀¢¢£₱₮ Με ヅ {Brenda} wrote: "FIRST READER REPORTING!! ;D":D xD
Chapter 3! I'm so stoked about this chapter for some reason....https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
Evelynn {Avi-ously} wrote: "Hi all! So my name's Evelynn, I'm 17 and have been writing since I was ten. I write clean historical fiction. Here's a short teaser for one of my many stories. Please let me know what you think; I'..."You do a great job of pulling us in. One thought I have though is you use a fair amount of passive voice. Try changing some things around to be in active voice, I think it will help your personal voice and style sound stronger.
Thanks Amelia! I really appreciate the constructive criticism. :D As for the blurb, that's an older story that I started on a couple of years ago. Maybe you could read some of my more recent stories and see if I've improved any. I'd suggest the story I've been posting the most recently, as that's the one I'm really proud of so far (not to sound braggy or anything). xD I feel like I do better in first person than third person. It's a bit frustrating.
✵❇❅❄ⓗⓘⓒⓒⓤⓟ+ⓑⓡⓔⓝⓓⓐ❇❅❄✵ wrote: "Yes, finally chapter 4's up!!!!"Yus!! :D
Hey, sorry I haven't posted anything here for a while, I'm still working on Chapter 5 of Survival. Its word count so far is 597.If you haven't read my story yet but are interested in reading it, the link for Chapter 1 is in message 28 of the comments above. :)
I JUST FINISHED CHAPTER 5 TODAY, GONNA POST IT. :D :D :D
Hey y'all! I made my Wreck-It Ralph fan fiction public today, and you're welcome to read it! Here's the link:https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
This is really late but I loved your [short] story Times like These
Christopher wrote: "This is really late but I loved your [short] story Times like These"LOL! No problem! Thank you! :D
Chapter 7 of A Game of My Own, my Wreck-It Ralph fan fiction, is now up!https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
Brenda {Accept Me As I Am} wrote: "EEP!!!! IT'S AWESOMENESS!!!"D'awwww, THANK YOU!! :D
I've started writing another fan fiction, this time based on the movie Big Hero 6. I've only written the prologue, and should be writing more soon, but here's the link to the prologue.https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
Warning: There are spoilers from the movie right off the bat!
The Pirate's Daughter
It was the dead of night, yet aboard a vessel sailing the mid-Atlantic, slumber was the farthest thing from every passenger’s mind. Excited whoops and yells reached the ears of a young girl of sixteen as she navigated the ship’s corridors. Shadows danced across her fair face and played with her wavy red hair while providing her cover.
With swiftness that betrayed her familiarness with the ship, she found what she was looking for: A shut door. The crack between the door and the floorboards leaked lamplight, and male voices seeped through the woodwork. The girl put one of her bright green eyes up to a secret peephole and watched as her father rallied his crew.
“The Marietta is only a few hours ahead of us,” he was saying, pointing to the well-worn map spread out in front of him. “We should be able to catch her by daybreak at our current speed. Men—” He straightened with a triumphant look on his face. “—we shall be rich by noon tomorrow!”
The sailors surrounding him cheered, but the girl shook her head and turned away. She would be rich beyond her wildest dreams tomorrow, yet she wished it not. For she was a pirate’s daughter.