Young Writers discussion

I'm trying to write my first novel it still doesn't have a name yet. Anyway as we all may know I can't write but I'm trying and need a lot of help. Anyway here is my first paragraph.


"Have you ever wondered about your life; your future and your past. What if I said I could show you both."

The fair it's beautiful, the sun overhead overlooking the children, anxiously awaiting there turn on the rides. It's a beautiful scene, there's a father holding his sons hand walking around without a care in the world, a group of teenager sitting in the bench showing of to the boys behind the fairy floss stand. There all creating memories, the fair is full of them. My memories linger in the shadows, my childhood memories are the only good memories I have, when I could be proud of my father.

hey olivia! can you expand this? it feels to me like it's lacking a lot of the detail it could have. you say it's "beautiful" a lot. what is there that is so beautiful? what is going on? what can the narrator see/hear/smell/touch/etc.?

Thanks Sam you are a big help. Ill try fix that now.