Young Writers Group discussion

My writtenness...enjoy...

Missing

Naomi stumbled across the emerald green grass, tears burning her eyes, her cheeks, choking her, obstructing her breath. She felt the heavy lump in her throat, felt the pain in her legs as she staggered past flourishing shrubs and trees. Suddenly her legs buckled beneath her weight. Naomi found herself plummeting to the ground. Her head jolted as it impacted the hard surface, pain hurtling towards it. She gagged and coughed, struggling for air as waterfalls of tears streamed down her face. Her head throbbed, her feet ached, her hands stung where she had grazed them. She couldn't take it, she couldn't take the pain any longer. Naomi whimpered, whispering for her father, her mother, but they were gone, long gone. She sobbed harder as she thought how alone she was in the world. She was an orphan now; she had no one to look to for help. Naomi squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she just wake up from this nightmare, and everything would be back to normal...
Naomi's flickered slowly open. She squinted, straining her eyes to see something, anything. All she saw was darkness. 'I'm dead,' she thought. 'I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead.' The words repeated over and over in her mind. She couldn't feel anything, not her arms, her legs, not her body. Naomi started to cry small, soft sobs at first, and then harder and stronger tears, falling off her cheeks in fury. She squinted through her tears, and suddenly shapes began to form; round, small shapes, and long, thin ones. Naomi blinked, trying to make out the strange forms. They were bushes, bushes and trees, surrounding her, closing in on her. She became aware of a tickling on her skin. Naomi averted her eyes from the trees and bushes, and saw grass beneath her body. Her body. She still had a body. She began to feel her limbs again, and wriggled her fingers and toes. Naomi smiled a watery smile of relief. She was still alive. But it was the dead of night. Her vision still struggled to adjust to the gloom.
"Where is she?" A voice echoed through the woodland. A desperate voice. Naomi looked around. Was is it her father? Her mother?
"Check over there!" No, it was someone else's voice, a stranger's voice, but vaguely familiar.
"Have you found her? Is she there?" Suddenly it struck her. It was her father's brother, her uncle.
"No! She's not anywhere!" Another familiar voice, but not as deep as her uncle's. Naomi glanced around the woodland once more. There was nothing, no one, only shadowed foliage.
"I'm...here." Naomi whispered. Her voice was raspy and cracked. She tried again, but received the same result. She coughed and tried to swallow any lingering saliva.
"Please...I'm here." Her voice was a little louder, but still they couldn't hear her.
"Ugh, where is she? Naomi! Where are you?" The same, young voice. Naomi tried to make out who it was.
"Naomi! Can you hear me? Are you out there?" Naomi then recognized the voice. It was Jack, her best friend. How could she not recognize her best friend, whom she had known since kindergarten?
"Jack! I'm here!" Naomi called. No response. She tried again.
"Jack! Uncle! I'm here!" Her voice was much louder this time, but still, there was no reply.
"Jack! I'm here!" she yelled.
"Naomi? Is that you?" Jack called.
Naomi sighed with relief. "Jack! Yes! I'm here!"
"Naomi! I'm coming! Mr Carter, she's over here!" Jack called.
Naomi looked up. She saw a dim light in the distance, held by someone tall. "Jack! Here!" She smiled, tears of joy trickling down her face.

One Step Closer

"You can do it," Melanie assured her. Harper swallowed. She couldn't....she couldn't....she knew she would fall if she did.
"Harper, come on. It's only a few steps," said Melanie, her hand outstretched from the other side.
Despite what her friend had said, Harper felt like it would take forever. "I...I can't, Mel. It's too far a drop. I..."
Harper looked down. She caught her breath as she saw what lay deep down below her; a rocky canyon, shining golden brown in the afternoon sunlight. Despite the fact that the canyon held beauty, it held death and fear as well.
Harper drew a deep breath shakily. She couldn't....she couldn't....she couldn't.
"Harper. Quickly. The log won't withstand your weight much longer," Melanie warned. She took two steps forward, her hand reaching closer.
It looked so near, yet so far away. Harper gulped, and stepped forward, one arm reaching towards Melanie with the other on the branch that stuck out from the cliff face.
Harper's foot slipped. She screamed, and clutched the branch with both hands. "Mel, I can't....I can't, I can't, I can't," Harper cried, her voice shaky.
"Harper, trust me. I am your best friend. Just step forward, and reach out your hand."
Harper's breath quickened as she took one step towards Melanie. She tried to slow it down but she was panicking too much. Harper took another step.
"That's it. Now, let go of the branch," Melanie said softly.
"I can't....I....I'll fall," Harper replied.
"No you won't. You'll come straight into my arms."
"But-"
"Harper. Calm down. You will fall if you panic. Now, walk."
Harper licked her lips and let go of the branch. She gripped Melanie's hand. She wobbled, she screamed.
Melanie grabbed her back and led her towards the other side.
Suddenly there was a small sound, a crack. Harper bit her lip. She knew what would happen next.
"Harper! Go!" Melanie yelled, pushing Harper towards the other side.
The log snapped. Harper gasped, twirling around. She saw Melanie's panic stricken face for a brief second, and then she was gone.
Harper screamed, running to the edge. She reached her hand as far as she could, but only grabbed the air.
"Melanie! No!" Harper screamed. "No! No! Melanie!"
Tears streamed down Harper's cheeks as she watched her best friend plummet through the air, her arms and legs flailing, her voice screaming in panic.
Harper looked away as a small thud shuddered through the air. No more screams. Only the sound of Harper sobbing in grief.
"No. Melanie....my best friend. No. Why did this happen?" Harper whimpered. She buried her head into her hands. Her best friend was gone.

GAB wrote: "Missing

Naomi stumbled across the emerald green grass, tears burning her eyes, her cheeks, choking her, obstructing her breath. She felt the heavy lump in her throat, felt the pain in her legs as ..."

You're only 11?! This is really good! I didn't write this well when I was 11! Keep up the good work! :D Oh, and I love all the emotions in this short story!

GAB wrote: "One Step Closer

"You can do it," Melanie assured her. Harper swallowed. She couldn't....she couldn't....she knew she would fall if she did.
"Harper, come on. It's only a few steps," said Melanie, ..."

Wow. Just...wow. I can't even fathom this. I feel like sobbing.

GAB wrote: "Missing

Naomi stumbled across the emerald green grass, tears burning her eyes, her cheeks, choking her, obstructing her breath. She felt the heavy lump in her throat, felt the pain in her legs as ..."



Men, this story is fantastic. I am blown out the world. I felt everything she was feeling as I read it. Outstanding!

GAB wrote: "One Step Closer

"You can do it," Melanie assured her. Harper swallowed. She couldn't....she couldn't....she knew she would fall if she did.
"Harper, come on. It's only a few steps," said Melanie, ..."

Also a great story. I loved it. You are really good with emotions. Another outstanding job!

Thx so much I really appreciate it. Ur comments have helped a lot since (don't get shocked) I'm trying to write an actual book or two so yeah :)

All is Lost

Shadows, closing in

My heart, shattered and forgotten

Fear, caving in

With tears, my face is sodden

Pain, pulling me down

Hopelessness, crushing my soul

Darkness, creeping in without a sound

Death, so quick and cold

GAB wrote: "All is Lost

Shadows, closing in

My heart, shattered and forgotten

Fear, caving in

With tears, my face is sodden

Pain, pulling me down

Hopelessness, crushing my soul

Darkness, creeping in wit..."

Interesting. What made you think of this poem or what made you write on this topic? I liked it a lot. Short, sweet, and simply.

I was just in bed and I felt like writing something. When I write I don't think about it. It just comes out

GAB wrote: "I was just in bed and I felt like writing something. When I write I don't think about it. It just comes out"

okay. Please can you check out the folder called The Writer and give me feedbacks. The folder is in the Share Your Writing folder. Thanks.

yeah 'course

Persuaded from the Ridge

Cassie trudged up the grassy hill on the side of the cliff. Weeds grew as high as her knees all around, with a few bushes and small trees sitting here and there. The vegetation was pushed backwards by a slight breeze, lifting Cassie's golden locks, streaked with the slightest brown.
Cassie stopped to rest on a rock, grass and dandelions sprouting from beneath. She looked out over the beach which the tall cliff loomed above, protecting it, assuring it's safety. The waves were choppy, foam bubbling all along the top as they broke. Only a few couples strolled across the sand, hand in hand, or lying on colourful towels, tanning and talking.
The young girl of 14 sighed with happiness. She lived a perfect life; she had a welcoming modern house near the beach, a spirited, loving family, loyal but hilarious, crazy friends, and a wonderful secret hideout atop the cliff. But Cassie felt as if her life somehow wasn't complete. She needed...excitement. She needed...adventure!
Cassie smiled sadly to herself. There was no adventure for her where she lived, except for the imagined games she had once created on the cliff.
Drawing a deep breath, Cassie stood from the rock and continued up the hill. She came to the rocky ledge that stuck out over the hill. Her eyes darted to a nearby bush, covered in small, white flowers. She pushed it back. There was nothing underneath. She looked up, and her eyes spotted a rope ladder hanging over the ledge.
'Someone's been here,' Cassie thought. 'They've found my ladder, and climbed up it to my hideout. How dare they!'
Cassie manoeuvred her feet carefully up the ladder, and crawled onto the ledge. There was her hideout, as clean and untouched as ever. The hammock was still in place, the small platform in one of the trees was neat and unused. Her stash of food was still carefully hidden in the leaves of the other tree. Everything seemed to be in order, but nonetheless, someone had come up here. 'I shall need to put up a sign saying, 'no trespassing',' she told herself.
Slowly and quietly, she passed the hammock and the shrubs surrounding it, and heard the faint sound of shaky breathing.
"Hello?" she asked softly. No answer. "Hello?"
There was a crack. Cassie made her way to the very edge of the cliff, looking out over the vast, opal blue ocean. There stood a boy of about 15 or 16, looking at her, his toes dangling off the edge.
"What are you doing here? Go away!" ordered the boy.
"Go away? What are you talking about? This my private property! I think the real question is, what are YOU doing here?" Cassie retorted.
"Your private property? You don't own this cliff!"
"I may not own the cliff, but I own this ledge. Now, get off!"
The boy stood there. "No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"YES!"
"I will never leave, no matter how you try to make me!"
Cassie groaned. "Fine. What are you doing her anyway?"
"I'm-" The boy hesitated. "It's none of your business!"
Cassie narrowed her eyes and frowned. She took a step forward, looking the boy over. A sudden realisation came over her. "Wait...are you-"
"Please don't say it."
"Are you-"
"No!"
"Are you...wanting to jump off?" Cassie watched the boy look down, biting his lip. "What, no! You can't jump! What about your whole life? What are you thinking? Don't commit suicide! Oh, please don't! I won't let you!"
The boy glared at her. "What do you care? You don't know me! My life is a waste. I was an accident. I was never meant to be here! No one loves me!"
Cassie felt taken aback. "I'm sure SOMEONE loves you! And I don't believe you were an accident either. Everyone has a reason to be here, otherwise God wouldn't have sent you. He introduced you to this world so you could make a change!"
"You're a Christian? I don't believe in God-never had a relationship with Him."
"Well, you should. Your whole life will be changed. His son died to save you, you know. God loves you, and he doesn't want you to jump. So step away from the edge."
"God doesn't love me. No one does. No one cares about me."
"God does! He loves you with all his heart! He desperately wants you to turn to him! Look, I care too. I don't want you to jump! Imagines witnessing something so horrific!"
"You're worried about yourself?"
"No! I just want you to realise that if you jump you go to Hell-forever. You'll be alone, forgotten, terrified, tortured. Don't jump! Please!"
"I don't care about Hell. I'm jumping." The boy braced himself, pounced forward.
"No!" Cassie screamed. She ran forward, clutched his arm. She slipped, impacted the hard surface, let go of the arm...she screamed, reaching out. Her hand met the boy's shirt, pulling it from his body. Desperately, Cassie clung on to his shirt, and grabbed his arm with her other hand.
"Let me go! It's too late now! If you hold on, you'll fall too!"
"No! I'm never letting go! I'm pulling you up!" Cassie strained her muscles, lifting the boy up a little. She flopped back down into the dirt.
"See? Let me go!" the boy yelled.
"No! I'll get you up! Somehow..."

GAB wrote: "Persuaded from the Ridge

Cassie trudged up the grassy hill on the side of the cliff. Weeds grew as high as her knees all around, with a few bushes and small trees sitting here and there. The veget..."


I liked it. I can relate to the boy. I can relate because just the past couple of years I felt like no one loved me and that I would rather die. I liked it a lot especially because I could relate and understand how he was feeling. Great job!

Thank you! And never feel like you would rather die cause there is always hope!

GAB wrote: "Thank you! And never feel like you would rather die cause there is always hope!"

you are right about that there is always hope even at worst times. Post more!

GAB wrote: "Persuaded from the Ridge

Cassie trudged up the grassy hill on the side of the cliff. Weeds grew as high as her knees all around, with a few bushes and small trees sitting here and there. The veget..."

Very good writing - is there a second part to the story?! I want to know if they both made it! Though now I must ask: Are you a Christian?

Yes, a....big maybe? Christian. :) wat about u?

Part 2

Cassie panted, her muscles straining, her teeth clamped together. The boy was too heavy for her, but couldn't let him go, ever. But there was no other way. Either she dropped him or they both fell...Cassie glanced over the ledge. They sight below horrified her, even though she had seen it before.
Sharps rocks ran along the side of the cliff, stretching out far into the water. The boy would be ripped to shreds, or stabbed through the body if she dropped him.
Cassie drew a deep breath, gathered her strength and pulled. She couldn't let this innocent boy die. He had so much to live for.
"Drop me," the boy said.
"No! For the last time, I'm not letting go! Look down! You'll be stabbed if you fall!"
The boy didn't look. "That was my whole plan."
"Don't you care of the pain, the terror of plummeting through the air in a second and then plunging into darkness?"
"No! When committing suicide you have to ignore the fears!"
Cassie groaned. "You're not dropping!" She gripped his arm harder and pulled. It was no use.
Suddenly there was a voice, coming from behind the hammock. "Cassie? Are you there? What's going on?"
A woman emerged from the bushes. "Oh my God, Cassie! What are you doing? Get up, get up! You could fall!"
"But Mum, if I get up, the boy will fall!" Cassie nodded over the edge.
The women leaned over. She gasped. "Shit, Cassie! What happened? Oh, for God's sake, pull him up!"
Mum grabbed Cassie's waist and helped to pull. The boy inched up the cliff face.
"No, please, let me go!" he pleaded.
"Of course not! Why would we do that?" Mum replied. She hesitated, and hauled him up a little way.
"Mum, he...he wanted to jump off, but I-"
"For goodness' sake, Cassie! Let's not talk about this now! Now pull!"
After 2 minutes of heaving, all three were on the ground, puffing, their faces hot and bothered. Suddenly the boy crawled to edge. Cassie gasped and grabbed his ankle.
"You're not going!" she yelled.
"Wait, are you-"
"Mum, he wanted to end his life, but I tried to stop him. I couldn't lift him but then you came. You're the one who REALLY saved him."
Mum was speechless for a second. She turned to the boy, who sat there feeling awkward and forgotten.
"Oh, you poor child. What has caused you to think this way?"
The boy hesitated, swallowing. "I don't want to talk about it," he stated bluntly.
"Mum, leave him alone. He's had...he's had a rough time, I think," Cassie said, glancing at the boy.
Mum sighed. Ignoring Cassie's order, she said, "Where are your parents, young man? Do they know you're doing this?"
"I...I left them a note, but I didn't tell them where I was going, otherwise they'd try to stop me."
Mum bit her lip. Cassie felt awkward. She had never been in this situation before, just like her mother.
"I'm going to take you home. Where do you live?"
The boy looked down. Cassie could tell he didn't feel comfortable telling a complete stranger of his address. She gripped his ankle tighter, in case he decided to make a jump for it.
"It's alright, boy. You can trust me," Mum said softly.
The boy sighed. "I live in Buderim, near the shops. Twenty-four, Cloud Lane."
"That's right near us," Cassie stated.
"Well, we are going home now. We can drop you off, young man."
The boy nodded, but Cassie could tell that inside he was hating her mother.

GAB wrote: "Part 2

Cassie panted, her muscles straining, her teeth clamped together. The boy was too heavy for her, but couldn't let him go, ever. But there was no other way. Either she dropped him or they bo..."

Good "sequel", though I admit, the swear word wasn't really appreciated. :P

And yes, I'm a Christian too. :) I also have a writing folder, under "Evelynn's Writing". All my short stories are completely clean. :)

Sorry for the swear word. I tried to think of something else to say but it seemed to fit nicely. I'll try hard not to use any more next time :)

GAB wrote: "Sorry for the swear word. I tried to think of something else to say but it seemed to fit nicely. I'll try hard not to use any more next time :)"

Sounds like a deal. ;) :D

Ha :) ok

Thx maribel! And my I just say, I love ur profile pic :D

Part 3

Cassie slid into the backseat, the boy climbing in through the other door. Cassie tried to clear the mess off the seat, and then clipped her seatbelt into the slot.
All was silent as the car reversed from the parking space and drove along the road.
Cassie drew a deep breath. It was getting too awkward for her.
"Um, I don't think I've got your name yet. I'm Cassie." Cassie held out her hand.
The boy was hesitant. "I...I'm Noah...Sanders." Noah bit his lip, and then took Cassie's hand. They shook. More silence. Cassie wracked her brain for a suitable conversation, but it was Dad who broke the silence.
"Look, I'm not your father, but let me just say, that was idiotically foolish, young man. Standing on the edge of a cliff! What stupidity! I understand your wish, but you didn't need to grant it. Listen, boy, God loves you with all his heart. He doesn't want you to end your life-he wants you to give it to Him."
Cassie could tell Noah didn't understand this-she knew instantly by the look on his face that he wasn't a Christian.
Noah took a deep breath. "If you didn't want me to end my life, why should I give it to God? I'd die either way."
Cassie suppressed a snort of laughter. "No, no. You don't sacrifice your self to God or anything. You, well, hand your heart to Him, which means you admit you're a sinner to Jesus-you must say it out loud though, and mean it-and you'll automatically go to Heaven when you die."
Noah nodded slowly, partly comprehending what Cassie just said.

Within 15 minutes, they were driving through the many streets and lane ways of Buderim.
"So...Noah. Where exactly do you live?" Mum asked.
Once more, Noah was hesitant about whether to answer or not. Cassie knew he didn't want to go home. In fact, she half expected him to jump out of the car right there and then. But he didn't, of course.
"Uh, 58 Cloud Lane," he replied.
"Well, that's easy! That's near us. We're about 3 streets away," Mum said.
Noah nodded absentmindedly.
After about8 minutes of driving, they turned into Cloud Lane, and followed the mailboxes until they came to 58.
Cassie noticed as Noah swallowed. He was nervous.
Dad knocked lightly on the front door. In an instant it swung open, revealing a small, brunette woman with a tear-stained face, tissues crumpled in her hand.
"Oh, Noah!" she cried, collapsing into his arms. Tears flowed down her face as she regained her balance and squeezed her son tight. "Noah, Noah, Noah..." she mused.
Noah hugged her back awkwardly. "Mum, it's all right. Stand up properly." He pushes her back gently.
His mother sniffed. "Th-thank you. For bringing my son back. How can I ever repay you?"
"You couldn't possibly," Mum said.
"Oh, but I insist I do!" said Noah's mother, hugging Noah close.
"Well...could we ask of your name?" Dad asked.
"Oh, of course. Where are my manners? Joel, come here!"
A man taller than Noah with thick, black hair and a shaved beard appeared at the door way. His eyes widened at the sight of his son.
"Look! Noah has returned! Our son is back-he is alive!"
Noah's father gasped. "S-son! You are alive! You have been saved! You're actually here, breathing and uninjured! My son is here!" The man scooped Noah up in his arms, hugging him to his chest as if he was but a small child. "My son...my son is alive," he whimpered. Tears brimmed in his eyes.
Cassie smiled as Noah blushed, being treated like a baby by his embarrassing father. But Cassie also saw signs of relief in Noah's eyes. He was glad to be home.
"Thank you, thank you so much!" cried Noah's father. "I...am Joel Sanders, and this is Peggy."
Dad grinned at them, and shook Mr Sanders' hand, and then Peggy's. "It was the least we could do. But it was Cassie, really. If she hadn't climbed that cliff, well..." Dad's voice trailed off. He needn't say anything more.
"Oh, my dear Noah. How glad I am to see you here! But...I am shocked, I am gobsmacked, at the horror you could've put yourself through! Oh, you foolish boy! Never run away again! Your father and I love you SO much, Noah! Never, EVER forget that!" Peggy, smiled sadly, tears trickling down her face once more.
She gave Noah another squeeze, and turned to the three standing at the door.
"Cassie, is it? Oh, thank you, my dear. You brought my son back. Forever I am in debt to you. You...you saved Noah, our dear Noah. Oh, darling, thank you."
Mrs Sanders hugged Cassie, stilling sobbing. Cassie bit her lip, hugging back.
"It was really nothing," she said politely.
"What are you talking about?! You saved my son's LIFE! That is the biggest something I the world! We thank you ever so much!"

*cough good feedback

Jk :P

GAB wrote: "Part 3

Cassie slid into the backseat, the boy climbing in through the other door. Cassie tried to clear the mess off the seat, and then clipped her seatbelt into the slot.
All was silent as the c..."



I just finished reading the whole story altogether and I thought it was good for the most part. I felt like you had moved to fast with the characters actions. I think maybe you should have talked about the character's background a little bit. Maybe just explain why he wanted to die. It was still very good altogether.

Thank you. I think so too. Noah just wasn't ready to trust Cassie with his secrets yet. And yes, I think i rushed it a bit.

But, unfortunately, that is the last of my story. :)

GAB wrote: "Thank you. I think so too. Noah just wasn't ready to trust Cassie with his secrets yet. And yes, I think i rushed it a bit.

But, unfortunately, that is the last of my story. :)"

Oh, but you still have other stories you will be posting, right? I really do love your writing. Have you ever submitted your writing anywhere?

Yeah, of COURSE I'll be writing more. All the time-i love writing! And yes, I've entered a competition once, but didn't get a place or anything. However, I got a request to put one of my poems in a book! :D

In fact, I need to do that, before it's too late...O.o

GAB wrote: "Yeah, of COURSE I'll be writing more. All the time-i love writing! And yes, I've entered a competition once, but didn't get a place or anything. However, I got a request to put one of my poems in a..."

I just entered my Four Seasons poem in a contest today. I have entered a writing competion and had gotten first place. The piece of writing went all the way to States.

Really??!! That's SO cool!!! I wish that would happen to me! Ur so lucky! Post the poem! :D :D

GAB wrote: "Really??!! That's SO cool!!! I wish that would happen to me! Ur so lucky! Post the poem! :D :D"

okay. You can find it in my writing section.

K thx

When There is Gravity

Isaac stared out the clear window, squinting in the resplendent sunlight, cascading over the dazzling blue ocean. He smiled, spying ships as small as ants sailing across the waves, fishing or cruising.
Isaac turned his head to look past the small window, and his eyes stopped at the large, white wing stretching out into the open air. His eyes averted to below, and widened as the sight of land. After hours upon hours of travelling, he would finally arrive in Rome, his dream holiday destination.
He glanced at his mother, sitting beside him, her head listing as she slept. A magazine lay half-read in her lap. Isaac thought of waking her, telling her of the country they were about to land in. He went against the idea, knowing that his mother would most likely give him a scolding for waking her. He knew his mum liked her beauty sleep, and hated for it to be interrupted.
Isaac sighed, leaning back on his cushiony seat in content. He played with his seatbelt, wishing for the journey to end, to finally arrive in the airport, to take him to the amazing country of Rome.
Suddenly Isaac felt tired, and slowly leaned against the wall, closing his eyes to the vivid but painful rays of the sun. Colours of red, orange, yellow dark blue and green danced on the inside of his eyelids. He smiled at them, entertained by their performances.
"Hey, Mummy, look at that! Do you see it?" Isaac opened his eyes to the sound of a child's voice coming from the seat in front.
"Mummy, look! Another plane, just like ours! Maybe it's going to Rome too!"
Isaac watched as a small arm reached past the gap between the seat and the wall, pointing out the window. Isaac's eyes followed it, and gasped in shock.
"My God. Darling, get away from the window, now!" cried the child's mother.
Isaac's breath became shaky, gradually growing faster and faster. "M-mum...Mum! Mum, wake up! Look!" He shook his mother's arm in haste, and turned back to the window. "Mum!" he cried.
Isaac bit his lip, unable to avert his eyes from the horrifying sight. There came the faint sound of a roaring engine, and a whoosh, repeating over and over again.
Screams and gasps erupted inside the plane. Fingers pointed, babies cried, men swore. Isaac swallowed, feeling the presence of his mother leaning over him, staring out the window.
"Oh my God, Isaac..." she whispered.
Isaac lifted his head, and screamed. A smaller plane smashed into the larger plane's wing, speeding towards Isaac and the other passengers behind the windows.
Isaac struggled past his mother, helping her up along the way. He fell to the ground, knocking his head against the metal frame of the seat in front, as the plane impacted the wall of his plane, pushing the plane onto its side. Isaac felt the floor list, and his body fell towards the opposite seats.
Baggage fell from their places above, some hitting other passengers, others just missing them. One heavy bag fell right next to Isaac's head-he suppressed a scream, and moved away from the bag.
"Mum, Mum! Help me! Mum, we need move! Get up!" Isaac's eyes moved his mother, who lay motionless on the ground. He gasped. "Mum!" he whispered.
'My mum is dead,' he thought. 'She's dead, and I'm all alone now. I'm an orphan. I have no one.'
"Mum! Mum, please wake up!" Tears streamed down Isaac's cheeks as he crawled back to his mother. He shook her body, turning her on her side. "Mum, please, wake up! Don't leave me. Don't leave me."
Blood trickled from a gash on her head, dropped from the corner of her mouth.
"Mum, please!" Isaac sobbed, shaking his mother, willing her to open her eyes. She didn't. "No, Mum! Don't go! Not now! Please!"
The plane rolled. Isaac screamed, and gripped the leg of the seat, holding his mother's arm with his other hand.
Passengers fell from their seats, hitting the other wall, growing unconscious, blood spewing from their wounds.
Isaac sobbed at the sight of them. He knew most were dead, knew his mother was dead, knew he'd be dead.
'No, please,' he prayed. 'Don't let my life end here. Please, keep me safe.'
Suddenly a voice rang over the speakers. "Please stay calm. We are keeping this aircraft under control. This is only a minor incident. Stay calm."
'Stay calm?' Isaac thought. "How can anyone possibly stay calm? And how is this a minor incident? We've been hit by another plane, for God's sake! No one can stay calm!'
The plane rolled upside down. The engines on the wings puffed black smoke. The glass of the windows smashed, sucking the air from inside.
Isaac screamed. Oxygen masks fell from the roof. Isaac reached out his arm to a mask that lay beside him. His fingers scraped the plastic. He gasped for the air that was running out. Fast. He needed the oxygen mask.
'No, no, no!' he thought. 'I need the mask! I need it!' Suddenly his fingers wrapped around the plastic, and desperately he wrenched his arm back.
With shaking hands he fastened the mask around his head, and breathed. He tired to slow it down, taking slow, deep breaths, but the speed rose each time.
The plane dropped. Isaac screamed, clutching his mother's arm and seat leg, and never letting go.
"Help!" he screamed. "Lord, please, save me!" Isaac squeezed his eyes shut, wishing for this to be a horrid nightmare. He pinched his arm, wincing, but opening his eyes to the tumbling plane, the bodies of the passengers flinging around.
"Oh, Lord, if I survive this, I promise you, I will always do as you will. I will pray each morning and night. I will give, and never take. I will help the poor in any way possible. I will serve you until death. Just get me out of this alive. Please. I love you, Lord Jesus. I know I am a sinner, a terrible one. Please, save me."

GAB wrote: "Part 3

Cassie slid into the backseat, the boy climbing in through the other door. Cassie tried to clear the mess off the seat, and then clipped her seatbelt into the slot.
All was silent as the c..."

Really good ending to a really good story. Now I'm gonna have to read the next story you posted. :)

I agree with Evelynn. It is a real good ending to a really good story. Post more!

GAB wrote: "When There is Gravity

Isaac stared out the clear window, squinting in the resplendent sunlight, cascading over the dazzling blue ocean. He smiled, spying ships as small as ants sailing across the..."

Wow, very dramatic. I want to read more!

When There is Gravity-Part 2

All that surrounded Isaac were screams, yells, cries, prayers, more screams. Isaac squeezed his eyes shut, gripping his mother's hand and the leg of seat until his knuckled grew white. The plane tumbled, tumbled. It plummeted towards the growing expanse of ocean, smoke flying from its engines, the tail broken and flapping. Isaac screamed, hoping in his heart that somehow God would let him live. Just live.
Isaac tried to calm his breath, but he couldn't, he couldn't. His ears were drowned by the screams of the passengers. He longed to be back in his home, reading quietly on the couch, listening to the songs of the birds and clicking of the crickets. Isaac was far from such things. He would rather not go to Rome than to experience this horror.
Isaac's stomach fled out of his mouth. He couldn't breath, he couldn't think. Suddenly there was an impossibly loud splash, and the plane seemed to bob for a second or so. Isaac's eyes slowly opened. The screaming went on, much clearer without the sounds of the engines. Isaac's stomach returned, and he gasped for breath, glancing at his mother. Her face was...pale, cold. Her eyes stared at him, but at the same time stared at nothing, at darkness and despair.
'She's in heaven,' Isaac told himself. 'Heaven. Heaven. My mother is safe and happy in Heaven.' Tears brimmed in his eyes, and he brushed them away, unravelling his hand from the seat's leg. The plane began to sink; a voice came over on the speakers.
"Ladies and gentlemen! Please, there is no need for panic. Please exit calmly from the escape door with care, and slide down the yellow slide and into lifeboats provided."
Isaac watched as a few passengers shakily stood, and made their way to the escape doors. Flight attends stood by them, guiding the passengers down the inflated, canvas slides. Isaac would have to escape soon or he'd drown, but what about his mother...The screams continued, but were slowly subsiding. Isaac couldn't leave his mother-he wanted a proper funeral for her, although he didn't know how he'd manage it. Isaac shook himself. He couldn't focus on funerals now-he had to escape.
Isaac propped himself slowly up onto the seat, dragging his mother up with him. He legs buckled, shaking. Isaac gripped the seat in front, and forced his legs to move. He threw his mother gently upon his shoulders, and stumbled down the rocking corridor, balancing on the seats beside him.
"Miss," he called to a flight attendant. "Help me, please."
The woman rushed forward, lifting his mother from his shoulders. "Sit down on the slide, son, and cross your arms across your chest."
Isaac looked up at the flight attend as his sat onto the slide. "What about my mother?" he asked, staring at his deceased mother laying in the flight attendant's arms. He wouldn't dare tell them she was dead, or they might leave her.
"Here, keep her between your legs, and hold her with them. Now, slide, and make sure you make it to a lifeboat." The woman gave him a slight push, and Isaac flew down the canvas. A lifeboat awaited him at the end.
A few men and women helped him and his mother aboard. One man examined his mother. "Unconscious, I think. Better lay her down 'ere." The man laid Isaac's mother gently on the bottom of the inflated boat, resting her head against the seat. Isaac sat beside her.
"Thank you, sir."
"I 'elp who I can, sonny."
Isaac stroked his mother's hair, tears trickling down his face. "Oh, Mum," he whispered. "Why didn't I protect you? Why didn't I save you? Oh, this is is all my fault."
Isaac closed his eyes, bowing his head and ignoring the stares and pats of assurance from the other passengers. Luckily, they hadn't heard the first things that he said.
Five minutes passed, although it seemed like ages. The last of the passengers slid off to safety, including the pilots and the flight attendants. The deceased were left on board.
Isaac watched in shock as the plane slipped almost silently beneath the waves, dragging the bodies of the other passengers with it. He could've been one of them, if the Lord had not spared his life. His mother would be there too, if the flight attendant had discovered she had been killed.
"Thank you, Lord, so, so much, for saving me. I owe you the greatest debt that I must repay, which I will. I am forever grateful, and I will never forget your miracle. Thank you from the corners of my heart, Lord. You have shown the greatest mercy I have ever witnessed."

Once again, a lovely piece! I enjoyed it a lot

GAB wrote: "When There is Gravity-Part 2

All that surrounded Isaac were screams, yells, cries, prayers, more screams. Isaac squeezed his eyes shut, gripping his mother's hand and the leg of seat until his kn..."

Wow, really good part 2. Will there be a third part?

Of course there will but in time :)

GAB wrote: "Of course there will but in time :)"

Good. :)

Part 3 I think

Isaac ran his fingers through the water, watching the ripples absentmindedly, as the lifeboat drifted along the surface. His mother lay still beside him, cold and wet.
The other passengers sat huddled together, silent or sobbing. Most couldn't comprehend what had happened.
Suddenly one of the two pilots stood from about a few meters away.
"Everyone, please quieten down. Thank you," he began. "Now, the coat of Rome is right over there!" The pilot pointed, the survivors looked. "We will sail over to the coast. Now I want everyone to pitch in, so all of you who are able, grab an oar and start rowing, if you want to live!"
Passengers went to grab an oar, and strained to row. Isaac sat there, too tired and overwhelmed to help.
He looked at his mother, tears burning his eyes. A woman sitting beside him paused, and settled her oar onto the side of the boat. She laid her hand on his back and rubbed it sympathetically.
"Don't worry, child. She will wake soon enough; just give her some peace."
Isaac swallowed. 'No she won't,' he thought. 'She won't ever.'
Isaac's chin shook, and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had to be brave. His mother would want that.
"Hey sonny, mind grabbing that oar and helping us row? We could use those strong muscles of yours," said the steward in charge of their boat, in an attempt to cheer Isaac up.
Isaac looked at him. "I-I can't..."
The steward sighed, and looked at Isaac's mother. He frowned, noting her pale face and limp, wet hair. He leaned over and placed a hand on her chest, feeling for heartbeat.
Isaac has a sharp intake of breath. What would the steward do with her?
"I'm sorry, sonny...she's dead. Your mum, is she?"
Isaac nodded, a tear falling down his cheek. The woman beside him gasped and embraced him with her warm arms. The steward sighed.
"Shall we...shall we have a service? Bury her in the sea?"
Isaac opened his mouth to speak, but stopped. He burst into tears. 'How could they? They don't even know my mum! How dare they? I would never be able to visit my mother again! No, no, I don't won't her buried here!'
The woman squeezed him tighter. "There, there. It'll be alright. Hush now."
'No, no it won't be alright!' Isaac thought. 'How could this possibly be alright!?'
Isaac opened his eyes to see the steward looking straight at him.
"Would you like to slip her in?" he asked softly.
Anger bubbled inside Isaac. "No!" he yelled, oblivious to other sympathetic passengers surrounding him. "No, I don't want to bury her here! I want to give her a proper grave, with my family! I don't even know you and you want I hold a service for my mother, amongst other strangers! How dare you? How dare you!" Tears streamed down Isaac's face.
The steward blushed, but he didn't persist. "I am sorry, sonny. I just thought..."
"Well, you though wrong!" Isaac interrupted. He leant against the woman's shoulder. She was the only comfort in this surrounding of strangers.

Thank you :)

I'm working on a story about a mystery about a house, and this is the sort of overall beginning. I just want some constructive feedback to know what I should change or keep. Thanks :)

Harper’s bright blue eyes squinted open, and then shut tightly after looking straight into the resplendent sunlight. She groaned, and rolled over, risking another look at the dazzling rays pouring into her room from the other window. Once more she closed her eyes, and shoved her stuffed dog over her face.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Harper pulled the sides of her pillow over her ears, and shut her eyes tighter.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Harper couldn’t take it any more. She rolled over and pressed the snooze button on top of her clock. The beeping stopped. Harper sighed with relief, and rubbed her eyes.
Another lovely Saturday sleep-in ruined. I can’t believe I forgot to turn my alarm off again, she thought.
Harper opened her eyes, blocking the sun with her hand, and clambered out of bed.
Arousing Peanut - Harper’s fluffy pet Pekingese - she stretched and slipped her white and blue spotted gown over her pajamas. She checked her clock. It was 7.00 am.
Harper stumbled down the hall from her room, passing the closed doors to the bathroom and her younger brother and sister’s bedrooms.
The tiles were cold on Harper’s feet, and she scrunched up her toes in desperation for warmth. Early morning light tumbled in through the windows and rested on the floor. Harper watched her shadow as it passed through the light, blocking the vivid rays.
Harper’s feet found their way onto the polished, wooden floorboards of the lounge room and dining room. She looked around. As was expected, the large room was empty, filled with nothing but a ghostly silence.
Despite her gown, Harper shivered in the early morning chill as she walked past the dining table and through the wide arch that led to the kitchen. Harper took in the familiar sight around her. The exotic blues, greens, reds and oranges of the kitchen design contrasted with Harper’s own dull, tired feelings. Paintings and sketches hung proudly on the walls, framed in glittering gilt. Smothering the cold floorboards was large, patterned, red Persian rug, a brilliant touch to the vibrancy of the kitchen.
Harper opened the cupboard to a variety of foods; jars of sauce, herbs and fruit, a large fruitcake, loaves of bread, biscuit tins, an array of snacks, lollies, cereal and ingredients for baking. Harper pulled out a box of Weet-Bix, and emptied a few into a white, patterned bowl along with some milk and a sprinkle of sugar. Harper sighed, and looked around. The silence throbbed in her ears. It was too quiet.
Leaving the Weet-Bix to soak up the milk, Harper ventured out of the kitchen and into dining and lounge room. Everything was still and stifled and…silent. The word dominated over everything.
“Xavier? Jess?” she called.
There was no reply.
“Guys? Are you awake?” Harper’s heart thumped in her chest. Normally everyone would be awake by now. She checked her watch. Thirty minutes had passed since she awoke. Harper swallowed. Had something happened to them? Why weren’t they awakening? Harper shook herself. She was overreacting. Where would her family go? Harper tried to relax, but her heart rate was increasing. She made her way to her brother’s bedroom, and threw open the door. She expected an empty bed, the covers thrown forwards, but Xavier was there, fast asleep amongst his stuffed animals, curled up in ball, a small smile on his face as he slept.
Harper sighed with relief. She knew she was overacting. Everyone was just sleeping in after a long, tiresome week of school and work. No harm had been done. Harper smiled to herself, wondering how she had panicked over the silence of the house.

An elephant's faithful 100% (GAB) wrote: "Part 3 I think

Isaac ran his fingers through the water, watching the ripples absentmindedly, as the lifeboat drifted along the surface. His mother lay still beside him, cold and wet.
The other pa..."

Wow, all the feelings here...this is so good. Now is there gonna be a part 4?

Loads of parts btw this goes to everyone...please critique the part from my story I'm writing, the latest one thank you :)

No Safety

Nothing. Nothing would help her escape from the enclosure of darkness and agony…The cage of hopelessness and despair…The prison of fear and death. Surrounded by an endless crowd of weeping, gloomy people, Lara stood speechless and grief-stricken, her legs aching till they felt like they would buckle.
Flakes of dust drifted in the shaft of light that seeped through the small window, blocked by razor wires. The wood creaked and rattled beneath Lara’s feet. A baby held on his mother’s hip wailed and kicked, begging to be fed. The mother rocked him, a finger on his lips. It did no good.
An old woman, frail and wrinkled, squeezed past a maze of people, her eyes on a small, tin bucket in the far corner. The ones closest turned in respect as the woman relieved herself.
A group of men spoke in whispers, aware of the eavesdroppers around them. Their voices were nervous and hurried, as if an enemy would hear them instantly and shoot them in front of the others. Lara strained to hear what they had to say.
“…Some say we’re going to be dropped off in the middle of nowhere to die,” one said.
“No, I think we’re being moved to another town…What do they call it? A ghetto? Yeah, a ghetto,” said another. A few other men nodded in agreement.
“But what about those camps that everyone talks of? The death camps? We’re being sent to one o’ those, I reckon,” said a third. Another man supported him.
Lara thought on this, overcome by the fear of going to a death camp. She had heard of those nightmarish, inhumane prisons where they slaughtered, burned, gassed and tortured. Hardly any survived, bodies piled into a pit and buried with big clumps of dirt. The camps were inescapable, fenced in and guarded day and night by innumerable soldiers. Lara shuddered, and focused on the rotting, wooden wall…
That was it! A rotting wall! A sudden wave of happiness sweeping over her, Lara lashed out at the wall, willing her hand to punch through and create a hole to rip apart so she could jump out and run away and escape the Nazis and find a home and be safe forever and…
“Lara, darling, it is no use,” said Mama, laying a hand on her shoulder. “The wall shan’t break. I’m so sorry, my dear.”
Lara eased her momentum, her hands uncurling from fists. Tears burned her eyes. She had been so close to escaping, so close to freedom, so close to safety…
A figure blurred by tears knelt beside her. It was her older brother, Elias. “Lara…” he began softly. “Even if you did escape, you would be shot. There are Nazis on the roof with guns. You’d be dead by now if you jumped. I’m sorry.”
Lara felt a warm body on her leg, and looked down. It was Theodore, her younger brother, clinging onto her leg, looking up with sad eyes and a sympathetic expression. Lara stroked his hair. She sniffed, and wiped a tear from her cheek. She couldn’t believe it. There was no escape, no hope, no safety, only the death that awaited them.