Reader with a Cause discussion

Coffee shop discussion yesterday including three men, three women focused on why so many women, despite extreme,long term abuse, remain with the abuser. Burning Bed by Faith McNulty came up. All concurred its a very complicated subject, with unique individual issues. Per Burning Bed, four of the six agreed the perpetrator earned his punishment. A man and a woman asserted the victim shared much guilt for not escaping long before.

M.j. wrote: "Coffee shop discussion yesterday including three men, three women focused on why so many women, despite extreme,long term abuse, remain with the abuser. Burning Bed by Faith McNulty came up. All co..."

A better question is “Why does the abuser choose to abuse?” While it’s often easy for outsiders to pass judgment on survivors for “not leaving soon enough,” many people don’t realize how much the deck is stacked against survivors who are confronted with the decision to leave or not. Think about it from your own perspective: how easy would it be for you to “just leave” right now, with no idea if you’d ever return to your home? Never again seeing your pets, giving up your family heirlooms, your clothes, your things?

Abusers work very hard to exercise power and control over their victims – keeping them in the relationship by isolating them from their friends, family, or any potential source of help and making them think the abuse is their fault.

It is crucial to reframe the discussion from: “Why didn’t she (or he) leave?” to “Why does the abuser choose to abuse?”

Hi - this is an age old question and one that really comes from a society that blames victims - particularly women for the abuse they experience. If we could help everyone understand coercive control and emotional abuse in an abusive relationship no-one would ever ask this again I thoroughly recommend - this book Lady in Red: The Original Stage PlayIt's a book of a stageplay but still read like a story and has so much valuable content at the back too.

Thanks, Maureen. I will check out Lady in Red: The Original Stage Play. As a survivor, I believe we must reframe the question and change society's perception of the crime of domestic violence. ~ Colleen

Do we punish or accuse a POW when they come back from war?

Do we ask them why did they stay?

Domestic Violence is like being a prisoner of war - on home soil.

~Diana Rasmussen

Agree - asking why someone stayed with an abuser is basically removing the blame from the abuser and putting it on the victim. It's a terrible practice and as a society we must, as Colleen said, reframe the question. There are so many reasons people are in the situations they are in, and instead of asking unhelpful questions, we all own finding the solution, or at the very least, helping someone if/when we have the chance.

Amen sis ;)

Hello, this is actually my first comment in any Goodreads forum, so I hope I do it right. I know this conversation has expired, but the topic and question at hand is timeless. As a survivor myself (who, yes, did hang on too long and go back numerous times), sometimes because we convince ourselves the abuser has some magic, allure, mystique that we want to be near. We rationalize why we need to be near this person and keep finding new reasons. Just wanted to add my comment, I apologize if inappropriate or not the way it works in Goodreads discussions or groups. Let me know what I could do differently in the future, please. I'd like to be member in good standing. Wopila! Little White Bird, heart in Wounded Knee SD

Welcome to the group, Little White Bird! And thanks for your comment.

@Kathy <3 Wopila (thank you in Lakota)

Hi I'm an author and I feel so passionately about this - it certainly is an age-old question! Diana is right hostages or POW's are not met with the same suspicion or judgement as we are when we escape abuse. I am on a mission to get everyone who is asked the Question Why doesn't she just leave?
With 'Why doesn't HE just stop? Let's hold abusers responsible for their actions and give survivors of abuse the support and love they deserve. And a BIG thank you Maureen for the recommendation of my book LADY IN RED much appreciated.