Writer's Paradise discussion

As you probably know, I sent off a query letter to a couple of agents. One of them isn't interested, and the other one has yet to respond. So I got to thinking. Neither of them really got to reading the actual story, so maybe they just didn't like my query letter.

So I was wondering if you guys would help critique my query letter, as that's mostly what the agents look at. Thanks in advance,
Kenzie

Letter:

Dear (agent’s name),

Imagine living every day of your life with the knowledge that everyone around you is going to die—except for you. Now add in the fact that you’re helping “speed up” some of these deaths for the devil. Drop in a therapist wanna-be best friend, an annoying waitress, a devil who wants to keep you his slave, and what do you get?

Reawakened Soul is an estimated 80,000 word story. The genre is fiction, sort of an urban fantasy young adult book. The book takes place in a modern time city, and is told from the point of view of a twenty-year-old male, Daniel Peters.

Daniel Peters is dead, and tired of killing people for the devil. He spends his days bouncing back and forth between "jobs", visiting his best friend, Trent, and ticking off the waitress that works in the restaurant down the street. One day Trent sets his apartment building on fire, due to his lack of cooking skills, and they are forced to flee the apartment. On the way down they run into a lady whose baby is back up in her apartment. Daniel goes back to save the child and instead finds an albino, who is not what he first appears to be. The albino warns Daniel to stop killing people—beginning his revolt against the devil, and upturning his entire life.

I have written a total of three novels, but this is my first attempt at publishing any of them. Reawakened Soul is only the first book of the trilogy – yet to be named.

A completed manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you in the near future.

Cordially,
McKenzie

Cool! I think it's pretty good! Except, wouldn't you originally in a query letter tell a little bit more about yourself, but yet most of the letter is about the book? Right? idk. I found this thing online with stuff on how to write a query letter . . . I wonder if I still even have that saved on my computer . . . huh. I'll see if I can find it, and if it's any use to anyone.

I didn't want to spend the entire thing talking about myself. *shrugs* Should I add more about me?

Maybe a little, but not a whole lot.

Okay. What should I add then?

hmm, I'll let you know. I have to go now. Once I find that file with the whole query letter advice, i'll post it up here, and I'll let you decide what you want to do. :D

I would suggest--as some have in other discussions--explain that you're only starting in the business of publishing (or something like that) or explain why you want the book to be published.

Okay, thanks Rayana, didn't think of that.

Kenzie;
I'm going to repeat some valuable advice given to me in another group. First you need a blurb, no more than twenty words, to sell your book. For example my book Happiness Hills, I wrote something like:
Welcome to Happiness Hills. If you survive until spring, you'll never come again.

Then you need to go into a brief summary, which you have done and include to pieces you are currently working on. You don't need a long description of that.

You can attach a full synopsis as well as sample chapters to the email. But be sure in ending you thank them for reading your query letter which is sure to be the thousandth one they've recieved that day.

The important thing to remember is that you are selling yourself to them. Convince them it's worth reading. But be brief, they don't want to read five pages on why your book is totally amazing. they want to spend five minutes looking at it in order to decide if they want the rest.
What you have written is good, add the blurb, either attach a synopsis outlining the entire story or fix the one there so it does and describe briefly the other two you have finished or are working on.
Then you are done.

Easy as pie, right?

I really like your blurb. :D I've never heard of doing one. How about, "When you're alive all you want is to live forever. But when you finally accomplish that, you'll wish you hadn't."

So you're saying I should inform them about what's to come in books 2 & 3? That's a good idea.

Thanks for the help! :D

Okay, so I've made some changes. Is there anything else I should do before sending it off again?

No problem, i didn't have a clue about how to do one until another author gave me that advice. Your blurb sounds good, maybe a little too wordy, how about;

Everyone wants to live forever, don't they? -this one is simple but effective, you could emphasize the pause with "forever....don't they?"

or We all wish we could live forever, ________ (character name)has found you should be careful what you wish for.

Just some ideas. You need to make sure it pops, grabs the readers attention. If you can sell your story in a few simple words, then obviously you would be able to do so in your story. That's what they are looking for.

Alright. I changed it to, "We all want to live forever … or do we?"

Is this brief enough for a description of books 2 & 3?

Book two picks up right where book one leaves off, only this time he’s alone, and friendless. He’s abandoned by Lucifer, as he no longer works for him, and is forced to try providing for himself. With the help of a few old acquaintances, Daniel rescues his friends, only to lose one in the process. After gathering some new information on where he came from in book two, he sets off in book three for confirmation. When all is said and done it’s just him, Lucifer, and a fight to the death.

Book two continues Daniel's adventure, but this time he is on his own. Abandoned by his friends and no longer working for Lucifer, he is forced to provide for himself. He manages to find some old friends but must sacrifice one to save the rest.

In the third (& final?) book Daniel sets out to confirm information he has found that may answer his quesions about his origins. When all is said & done, he is challenged to a fight by Lucifer, winner takes all.

I tried to get rid of the wordiness while upping the suspense, I'm not the best at it but i'm getting better. Paul might come in and show his briliance yet.

Okay, I like it. Some of it doesn't really make sense in the context (but you wouldn't know that), so let's see.

How about this?

Book two continues Daniel's adventure, but this time he is missing a few comrades. With his friends kidnapped and no longer working for Lucifer, he is forced to provide for himself. He recruits some old friends but loses one to save the rest.

In the third and final (:D) book Daniel sets out to confirm information he has found that may answer his questions about his origins. When all is said and done, he is faced with fighting Lucifer and the end of his life.

Much better, I like that. I know mine wasn't perfect, I had to guess. Now I'm interested in reading this. It sounds really good.

Thanks. You've really helped a lot. :D And your guesses were actually pretty close. Maybe one day you'll actually be able to read it - if someone ever accepts my query.

My fingers are crossed for you.

Thanks. I'm going to need it. :D

Good luck Kenz!

Thanks, Cali. :D