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[deleted user]
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Jun 25, 2009 01:05PM
tell blonde jokes here
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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
okay I got one...
why was the blonde upset about her drivers liscence?
SHE GOT AN "F" IN SEX
why was the blonde upset about her drivers liscence?
SHE GOT AN "F" IN SEX
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb...
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb...
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!
The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!
Did you hear the blonde that...
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2 to 4 years.
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
Couldn't call 911 because there is no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered 'C.'
What goes 'vroom-screech-vroom-screech-etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.
Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says 'hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down.'
Burnt her nose bobbing for French-fries.
You shouldn't let blondes take coffee breaks; it takes too long to retrain them.
She baked a turkey for 3 1/2 days because the instructions said 1/2 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
Got hurt while raking leaves -- fell out of the tree.
Changes the babies diaper only once a month because the label said 'good for up to 20 pounds'.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2 to 4 years.
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
Couldn't call 911 because there is no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered 'C.'
What goes 'vroom-screech-vroom-screech-etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.
Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says 'hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down.'
Burnt her nose bobbing for French-fries.
You shouldn't let blondes take coffee breaks; it takes too long to retrain them.
She baked a turkey for 3 1/2 days because the instructions said 1/2 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
Got hurt while raking leaves -- fell out of the tree.
Changes the babies diaper only once a month because the label said 'good for up to 20 pounds'.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having problems. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
After a big fight with his blonde wife, a man walks into his bedroom to find her sitting on the bed holding a gun to her own head.
At the sight of this, the man begins laughing.
"What are you laughing about?" she says, "You're next!"
At the sight of this, the man begins laughing.
"What are you laughing about?" she says, "You're next!"
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed."
"Oh. my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed."
"Oh. my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.
He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
The bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes.
They head up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight."
"Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
They head up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight."
"Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
Let me get this straight that I do not approve of all blonde jokes and that I do not think blondes are stupid... I just really like jokes... so I know some of you might take offense to the jokes I had posted, and I'm sorry if you do.
