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TCK Book Chapter 11 Developmental IssuesUneven Maturity
I have just come from a three-week stint working with teen-aged TCKs on two continents and the topic of ‘Uneven Maturity’ is very fresh. (in several conversations I had to stop and ask, “Wait, you are…10? 12?!” because the level was more like 15-18.) In both work situations, there were also older TCKs in the mix and we all had a blast.
One of the things that I noticed in maturity is that the TCKs in their mid-twenties seemed less sure of themselves than the younger TCKS. Is this because in mid-twenties we hit up against some of the requirements of adult life and find that we are not as prepared as we thought to take on the tasks of identity formation, building relationships, making decisions, achieving independence, and finally, becoming a confident, responsible individual in society? – (Which society, right?)
To get us started, pick a question or answer them all, or ask your own. (I have a pet theory on question #2 that I’ll share if that gets picked up…)
1. Do you identify with the list of reasons for delayed adolescence? How so?
2. Are there other factors you experienced or observed that led/lead to early maturity?
3. How did you or TCKs you know navigate the paradox of early maturity and delayed adolescence?
4. Is there a qualitative difference in the way TCKs delay adolescence v. the way mono-cultural young adults do it? What can we learn from each other?
5. In what ways have you seen/experienced the impact of ‘uneven maturity’ on guy/girl relationship and dating issues?
And for full disclosure, I am also an MK/ATCK who re-entered the US from Kenya at the edge of adolescence, third son of David and Betty Lou Pollock.
Tomorrow and Saturday we’ll hit Delayed Adolescent Rebellion and Systems. Looking forward to the conversation!
Eleanor wrote: "Question 2: I remember being bewildered when I started university in the UK, encountering all the crying and upset on the first day in halls of residence. For most, it was their first time away fro..."Thanks for sharing your experiences. I think many TCKs can relate to having seen a broad expanse of human behaviour. Did you ever attend a boarding school? I read some interesting research this spring about the positive impact that being away from home before college can have for TCKs. Sounds like it was the type of maturing experiences you had that gave you grit, as well. - I don't want to pry, but were there ways you did not feel as mature as your UK peers? Share if it is comfortable.
2. Are there other factors you experienced or observed that led/lead to early maturity?Social isolation externally and self-imposed at times made me look to older mentors in our church and develop friendships with them. I focused on my studies and, being a PK, also my biblical studies—I did have a genuine interest in spiritual growth. Ultimately, my responsibility took the form of focusing on things under my control—e.g. academics—because of social isolation. But this is a double-edges sword, since my social skills were then lacking and I had to develop those in a very awkward phase throughout university when they should have been developed in elementary/grade school.
3. How did you or TCKs you know navigate the paradox of early maturity and delayed adolescence?
I found solace in what I excelled at, rooting my identity more in those areas. Once I started to peel the shell of isolation away, I navigated the social scene about as gracefully as a fish caught out of water, flopping on dry land. It was an utter embarrassment. I kept them separate for the most part and tried to focus more on what I could control—i.e. academics—to compensate for my lack of social graces and stunted emotional development.
4. Is there a qualitative difference in the way TCKs delay adolescence v. the way mono-cultural young adults do it? What can we learn from each other?
It’s hard for me to gauge that. What is important for me and the problems I’ve faced aren’t common to monocultural youth. Feeling comfortable in your own cultural and social skin because you grew up in it isn’t something that can just be learned and applied. There must be a new way forward for those lacking that history and experience.
5. In what ways have you seen/experienced the impact of ‘uneven maturity’ on guy/girl relationship and dating issues?
Don’t forget guy/guy and girl/girl. TCK experiences can feed into one or the other as well. An ever-changing or non-existent social foundation can create immense desires to develop certain kinds of relationships that seem normal to others, but the TCK is often at a disadvantage in how to properly develop those. I’ve gone way too far in trying to develop close relationships very quickly and then stopped all together. Even outside of romantic interests, a close friend or potential guy/girlfriends should understand some of the challenges and benefits of having a relationship with a TCK—eyes wide open.
For the record, I'm taking medication that makes it hard for me to concentrate, so I hope I'm making sense and my grammar and spelling is on point. I hate making those mistakes. :)
2. Are there other factors you experienced or observed that led/lead to early maturity?I have had similar experiences to Eleanor, where I found that, upon returning to the United States from the Czech Republic for University, I was far more experienced than my peers with change, and was also more independent. I think that my experiences as a TCK, especially moving often and learning my way around over and over, made me more mature than my monocultural peers in this way.
On the other hand, what you (Mike Pollock) mentioned about delayed adolescence with identity formation hit home for me.
Those first couple of years of college (and maybe even now; I'm about to start my third year) came with a lot of questions of identity for me, as I wrestled with being a hidden immigrant, and wanting others to know that I was different. I changed my name, going by the Czech "Matouš" rather than "Matt"; this was seen by some as immature, and indeed, I think that when others make such a drastic change, it is often earlier in life.
Also, I am still deciding where I stand on many issues that my peers seem to be solid on. Part of this comes from seeing many different perspectives, and knowing that there isn't always a right and a wrong. However, I think that this can lead to laziness, and TCKs not putting in the effort to take a stand, even on issues that are important.
So, for me, although I would say I am more mature than my peers in many ways, I have found that I have growing to do and hard work to put in to understand myself, and to form my identity.
Mod
Eleanor wrote: "I went to boarding school for the first time at 17 and I was there for 2 years doing my A-Levels. It was the first time I hadn't lived with my parents. Before that I had attended International Scho..."Inadequate but not immature. That is a great phrasing. Perhaps that is the difference between being emotionally prepared and yet not having the skill-sets and experiences that peers had. - Missing that network of relationships and common culture gives us that sense of 'something missing'. Thanks for sharing!
Mod
Number 4, unpredictability making it hard for TCKs to make decisions, had a huge impact on me. We didn't move around a lot while we were overseas, but when we arrived back in our passport country we moved around a lot during my early teen years. Because of that, I definitely developed the attitude that life could not be controlled, and that it was not worth while trying to make big decisions. I was decidedly in that camp of TCKs who let life happen to them. I'm still trying to work through this, because I internalized this response quite deeply. Taking responsibility for things, especially long term projects, is a challenge. Even running an online book club that's been several months is challenging me in this area. ;)
Day 2- Delayed Adolescent RebellionSome discussions above have already touched on this issue. I'd like to frame it by suggesting that while 'rebellion' has negative connotations, what is happening developmentally is a move towards healthy separation, differentiation, and constructive independence.
Becoming one's own healthy person is an important process and can happen without a destructive phase to self and others physically, emotionally and spiritually but is not always so smooth. Note that this process, healthy or harmful, is a human process.
It also occurred to me during this chapter that since rebellion is non-conformity or non-complicance then if a home or community situation is toxic and harmful, then 'rebellion' to that situation would be a healthy alternative.
Assuming a healthy, positive home and community atmosphere, Chapt. 11 says that for TCKs, a harmful, destructive phase may happen later in development and may be prolonged.
Again, here are some possible questions to consider, or throw in your own!
1.Have you or TCKs you've known walked through the experience of delayed adolescent rebellion? Willing to share a story?
2. How did you or they resolve the process?
3. If a destructive rebellion was not part of your experience, can you identify why not?
4. There are four possible reasons given for delayed rebellion on pages 150-151. How do those reasons speak to your experience? Do you personally identify any other reasons?
5. Can you share any experiences or resources that helped you (or others) in moving towards healthy separation and autonomy as a TCK?
Bonus thought:
To paraphrase Psychologist Carl Pickhardt PHd. the phases of adolescent rebellion (9-23) can be summed up in these statements:
I. I am no longer a child! (9-13)
II. I have power (separate from my parents), you can't make me!(13-15)
III. I no longer need your approval to be me, you don't have to like me! (15-18)
IV. I can't make me and may not like me! (18-23)
The last one made me smile. Too true.
Can you relate? Did any of those steps get pushed back for you?
Jared wrote: "2. Are there other factors you experienced or observed that led/lead to early maturity?Social isolation externally and self-imposed at times made me look to older mentors in our church and develo..."
Jared, older mentors and serious academics at the price of social ability with peers. Yes! so common...but we need relationships and so, the fish analogy. Love that. - So if social and emotional development is behind schedule, how does one catch up? Great question. What is the role of mentoring and coaching in that case...?
And yes, the way TCKs often go about relationship building as a norm is different than their passport peers. Have you seen the Stephens-Tunberg model of relationship formation? In a nutshell, TCKs who need to make friendships quickly go deep to determine if the potential friend is worth spending time with. The non-nomad thinks that is really sweet (my new best friend!) or really creepy because they want to spend time with you to see if you are safe and/or worth getting deep with. TCKs often think that is shallow. Both are working towards the goal of intimacy but in different ways. And you are right, that can be with any person. It can be confusing to the opposite gender who may read the depth as commitment to a more intimate and bonded relationship.
Thanks for writing! You seem focused to me. :)
mkPLANET wrote: "I'm going to tackle question number 1. The first reason, cross-cultural mobility in developmental years, is one I relate with quite a bit. When I first read the TCK book in my early twenties, I rea..."That's such a helpful insight. The process of separation and autonomy gets delayed because you first have to figure out the rules and norms that you are going to 'push back' against. Add the disconnect to the peer group (which provides a guide to non-conformity) and depression/ grief processing and viola! Who has the energy to rebel in timely fashion, so to speak?
Matouš wrote: "2. Are there other factors you experienced or observed that led/lead to early maturity?I have had similar experiences to Eleanor, where I found that, upon returning to the United States from the ..."
Matous, independence and the ability to deal with change are strong gifts, right? And then the questions of 'who am I among my peers' hits and we want to curl up and suck our thumbs...not you, that was me. :) Honestly I think a name change to indicate inner identity is courageous and not immature, especially if well reasoned and 'settled' rather than impulsive and faddish. (I know you well enough that I believe it is the former.)
And on taking clear stands on issues- yep, when we see many perspectives I think it takes longer to settle on a definite. That is where Chapter 13 comes in, I think, in foundations... At 47, there are things I am really clear about. However, there are debates of the day where I honestly move back and forth across the lines like the rag in the middle of a tug of war rope. Identity and Conviction both take work and kudos to you for realizing that and engaging!
Day 3 - Identity in a SystemLet's just throw out this quote to start:
"An organizational system is one of the places where the need for belonging can truly be fulfilled because there are clear demarcations of who does and doesn't belong. Some TCKs have a deeper sense of belonging to that community than they will ever have with any other group...Other TCKs, however, feel stifled by the organizational system..." pg 153
Question 1. How do you react to that statement?
The second point of interest for me in this section are the descriptions of the four reactions to system identity:
I. TCK fits the system and conforms
II. TCK doesn't fit and tries to conform.
III. TCK doesn't fit but neither resists nor conforms.
IV. TCK doesn't fit and strongly resists.
Question 2. Do you see yourself or other TCKs in those categories?
Question 3. What might be the advantages or disadvantages of those ways of being?
Question 4. Rebelling and resisting is described as an 'anti-identity'. Do you agree and if so, what can be done to create a free, true identity?
Other thoughts on systems?
Here is one that popped into my head this time through...What happens (with younger TCKs especially) who don't realize they are part of a certain organization? Is it helpful to identify the boundaries of belonging? Can that be done with a 'both-and' agenda so that belonging becomes a welcoming and inclusive space, rather than elitist or exclusionary?
Looking forward to the conversation!
Michael wrote: "Jared wrote: "2. Are there other factors you experienced or observed that led/lead to early maturity?Social isolation externally and self-imposed at times made me look to older mentors in our chu..."
Thanks, Michael. I’m not exactly sure what the role of mentoring/coaching is or how one catches up. It’s difficult when the person doesn’t even realize what’s going on or how he is delayed. It would take a mentor who knows about TCK issues and can help the person connect the dots. I have seen the Stephens-Tunberg model and it definitely fits the bill with me.
Re: Day 2- Delayed Adolescent Rebellion
1.Have you or TCKs you've known walked through the experience of delayed adolescent rebellion? Willing to share a story?
I haven’t, but I know of some who have not ‘conformed’ and rejected their parental religion. But I don’t know much about their life or how they have moved on from that point.
3. If a destructive rebellion was not part of your experience, can you identify why not?
I was probably so focused on things that were already in line with the desires/expectations of my parents by happenstance that rebellion didn’t enter the equation.
Re: Bonus thought: I. I am no longer a child! (9-13)
I never really considered myself a ‘child’ throughout my adolescence. :-)
Re: Day 3 - Identity in a System
Let's just throw out this quote to start:
"An organizational system is one of the places where the need for belonging can truly be fulfilled because there are clear demarcations of who does and doesn't belong. Some TCKs have a deeper sense of belonging to that community than they will ever have with any other group...Other TCKs, however, feel stifled by the organizational system..." pg 153
Question 1. How do you react to that statement?
Question 2. Do you see yourself or other TCKs in those categories?
It really depends on the organization. It’s not so much that I feel stifled but that I just don’t understand or I just feel like I don’t fit regardless of objective reality. In that regard, I probably first try to start at ‘II. TCK doesn't fit and tries to conform’ and then inevitably end up at ‘III. TCK doesn't fit but neither resists nor conforms.’ However, I do sometimes get to the point where I get so frustrated with the group that I just leave, which could be part of ‘IV. TCK doesn't fit and strongly resists.’
Question 4. Rebelling and resisting is described as an 'anti-identity'. Do you agree and if so, what can be done to create a free, true identity?
I think I’d agree. If I’m confident in my identity, I won’t be so easily affected by those around me or the organization. When I’m less sure of who I am, I can more easily fall into an ‘anti-identity’ position. The biggest piece is really figuring out what is my fundamental identity—the core of my being—and working how that impacts how I live my life and think about the world.
I had an organizational system that definitely gave a sense of belonging; my missionary sending agency had bimonthly meetings for all missionaries in the Czech Republic, then an annual conference for all in Europe. In elementary school and into my preteen years, I had a profound sense of belonging at these conferences, and had a very idealized picture of my friends from within the system. As I grew into my teenage years, I gained a more realistic view of the missionary kids at these conferences, but some remained good friends.As you can see, I fit the first category of a TCK that fits system and conforms :P I think an advantage of such a way of being is that sense of belonging that the book talks about, and good friends within the system. On the other hand, it can bring elitist ideas, even if it's only in the TCKs mind. For example, I found my preteen self not trying hard at relationships with Czechs, because "they could never be as good friends as (blank) is from conference"!
I think that the sending agency did try to be welcoming, rather than exclusionary, but some of the TCKs within it became elitist from it.
I have been away for awhile. day one #2 Are there other factors you experienced or observed that led/lead to early maturity?
Going to boarding school at age 6. I learned how to pick out my clothes, keep my room clean to military rules, coin bounced on the made bed. I could get along in the world without my parents. I remember thinking at 6 I am mature. Have thought so every since, but looking back every time I though about it realized I was not mature in the past. I often preferred older kids. I had been many places my US friends could not even imagine. Experience bring maturity in the areas of experience. Lack of teaching or experience bring ignorance and immaturity.
Day 2- Delayed Adolescent Rebellion
1.Have you or TCKs you've known walked through the experience of delayed adolescent rebellion? Willing to share a story?
That is a little hard since I have been a rebel since birth, and not much of that has changed. I did lack a lot of knowledge that many US teens had. Sex education didn't happen in the years I was with my parents or at boarding school, unless you call child molesting education. Example in third grade I watched as my room mate was molested night after night, the abuser did not know I was awake. I was 32 before I suddenly realized what he was doing.
Day 3 - Identity in a System
The mission and even the sister missions were considered family. With those in my parents mission I felt I belonged as a child. In college when I was considering missions and I was told that I didn't need to worry about bing accepted I felt they didn't know me and that policy of accepting their own MKs without question was dangerous. Then when the abuse about Mamou came up the mission wanted nothing to do with the MKs who asked about the abuse. I feel very much that those MKs who don't support everything the mission does are excommunicated. Since working with MK Safety Net I am in category 4 TCK doesn't fit and strongly resists.
Jared: I think your point about mentors and coaches who 'understand TCK issues and can connect the dots' is spot on. May I quote you?And although I think the chapter is talking about organizational impact on formational identity (so during development), if I read you right, you carried that on to your current situation and how your TCKness impacts your participation in organizational structure. I think that is relevant too.
I wonder how many TCKs struggle with organizational relationships resulting from some of the impacts of organization systems of our development...
Matous, (sorry I don't know how to give your 's' the right accent) - What an important topic you raised. How does an organization give the double-gift of belonging and freedom/encouragement to reach out beyond those confines for enriching relationships. - There is some compelling writing about the 'beloved strangers' who worked with or for our families, not to mention the local friends we did or didn't make.
How many TCKs take the risk of investing in friendships inside and outside of organizational boundaries? What are the costs and benefits?
I'll share a crazy story. My siblings and I made local friends as well as friends with Rift Valley Academy students and were only superficially aware of the lines between international organizations in our friend groups. I left Kenya age 12, returned for three months age 21 and for a job search age 30. Fifteen years after that my wife and I returned to visit with our three children. The first morning my son and I waked out in the town to find breakfast and he asked me if we would meet folks I had known as a child. "Well, i suppose it is possible but not too likely as that was 35 years ago and it was only three years..." 5 minutes later we were buying chapati from a lady who introduced herself as Esther. My jaw dropped, as she affirmed, "Yes, your sister Michelle's friend, the younger sister of Elizabeth who worked with your mom!" After introducing us at the market to 5 or 6 other familiar, albeit older, friends, we were invited to Elizabeth's home the following day for an amazing Kikuyu reunion. The warmth of the friendship that had remained strong over decades and thousands of miles astounded me. - That was part of the gift of my parent's modeling openness beyond organization lines. :)
Shary, I'm sorry for your horrifying experience. Yours is the kind of story I was referring to when I wrote,
" It also occurred to me during this chapter that since rebellion is non-conformity or non-complicance then if a home or community situation is toxic and harmful, then 'rebellion' to that situation would be a healthy alternative."
The maturity brought on by experience and responsibility seems to me to be positive until it robs us of the positive attachments of trust and love that should grow through safety and care. What you and others in that situation experienced was deep betrayal. When an organization then closes its eyes and hearts to the brokenness of its members and the damage done in its name and under its watch, the betrayal is compounded.
Resistance to this kind of dysfunction is, I think, warranted.
Thanks for being willing to share. Sadly, I think there are many more of these stories 'out there'. I applaud your courage and positive action.
So, for posterity, here is my theory about early maturity for TCKs and CCKs. When parents move frequently among cultures or make the move when children are say between 5 and 13 or so, the brains of the children are still strong in culture acquisition (language, customs, preferences and practices) because the normal process of learning from parents as a primary source is disrupted, the children find themselves on more of a level playing field with their parents and the parents may even lean on them at times for language and culture help. - I've witnessed and experienced this phenomenon but hadn't considered the impact that it has on children and the role they play in the family until now. - It would be interesting to have other takes on this idea.Thanks for the participation!
Thanks, Michael. You may quote me with whatever I have said here. :)Yes. Sorry for moving away from just discussing the organizational impact on formational identity. I’ve found that my experience at that time in my life has had ripple effects with organizational impacts in my adult years.
Interesting ‘posterity’ thoughts. After moving back from Europe, I was an ‘invisible’ TCK as we moved across the country several times. Since we were in the passport country, my parents didn’t rely on their kids. But I just burned out and put a stop to culture acquisition altogether. Perhaps that was doable because the surface (i.e. tip of the iceberg) cultural norms were sufficiently similar over the last several moves. (Sorry. This is probably too far afield from where you want to go.) :)
Thanks again for the conversation and leading this discussion group.
Thanks Jared, glad you were part of the conversation.
Sorry for lateness. Reading the contributions I am wondering if early maturity, delayed adolescence are potentially two misnomers for closing down and repressing feelings and hence ending up with a "stuck" inner age of a younger child, and an "adapted adult" on the outside. Neither of which are genuine.Certainly I identify this way and I have trouble identifying with the way it is written in the book. For me the pain of repatriation, the bullying at school, the shock of the home country and not fitting in, the lack of reassurance and support meant that I closed down and hid what was young joyful and sacred. I copied from others what I was meant to do and learnt to hide my feels.
Of course thats not maturity at all but being needless and wantless.
I dont think this is the case with all that has been written here but I do think it seems mixed up in it. gill
Hi Gill, Glad to see your comments here. Your thought that 'early maturity and delayed adolescence' are simply masks for being stuck developmentally are interesting. I think the authors were mainly writing from the perspective of TCKs repatriating during college...and that could be a weakness as many of us TCKs repatriated at other times. (Including me and my siblings, Dave's kids!) -
What you are describing sounds like a really tough re-entry during...highschool/form 2? and a severe lack of support and understanding for your needs, leading to a type of 'stall' in your development. Does that sound right? So page 44 with developmental tasks and the idea of 'uneven maturity' figure 11-2 could be a helpful checklist for 'What was missing?' perhaps but may not be sufficient to cover your experience. - I'm glad you are employing your own "It's never too late" strategies to your journey.
Thanks for jumping in!
Mod
A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!
Michael Pollock is the founder and director of Daraja , a coaching, consulting and leadership formation initiative young adult cross-culturals. Michael is a TCK/MK from Kenya and founded and directed Odyssey student development for six schools in China after leading Tianjin International School as elementary principal. After 9 years of working with internationally mobile students and families in China, Michael and family repatriated to a new culture in Michigan, USA, where he enjoys books, outdoor adventures, photography and good food with family and friends.