MK & TCK Book Club discussion
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Third Culture Kids
The "Third Culture Kids" Book
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Chapter 13: Building a Strong Foundation
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-- From Janet:
TCK Book Chapter 13: Building a Strong Foundation
I’m looking forward to our conversation this week about “Building a Strong Foundation.” I think it is an important chapter because it reminds us that the TCK experience is not just an individual experience but it is shaped by cultures, friends, family, faith, schools, sending organizations, etc. While each TCK journey is unique (even for siblings), there are characteristics shared by all TCKs. This chapter causes adult TCKs to look at the tapestry of their lives and the experiences that have been woven together to form it.
As I’ve worked with TCKs from many countries in many different settings over the last few months and am with a great group of TCKs in Colorado this week, I’ve been reminded that the TCK experience is a mediated experience. The actions and decisions of others have had an enormous impact on TCKs. It may have been the decisions or policies of sending organization. It may have been the schooling option parents chose. It may have been your family system—its structure, relational patterns, strategies for coping with change/transition, etc.
To start our discussion, here are some questions that look at the 8 factors (pages 171-177 in the revised edition; 185-188 in the original edition) Dave Pollock and Ruth Van Reken identify as important in TCK development. Feel free to respond to one or all of these questions:
1) How has your life been impacted (positively or negatively) by any one or several of the mediating factors that Dave Pollock and Ruth Van Reken identified?
2) Which of these mediating factors has had the biggest impact on your life?
3) Are there any other mediating factors that you would like to add to the list?
On Tuesday we’ll look at factors and systems that promote healthy development in TCKs. On Wednesday, we’ll look at what TCKs wish people had understood about these factors when you were growing up. I’m looking forward to the stories and perspectives you have to share as part of our discussion.
My parents had no idea about 'leaving well', and never really explained to me the seriousness of moving nor how I should say goodbye. I think this had a negative impact on me, as I was left to figure that out by myself after the move, and am only really now coming to terms with the world I lost.
My parents were teachers in the various diplomatic schools lots of TCKs attended around the world. So I think that maybe I had it fairly easy. When we moved - it was as a family and it was known well in advance of the departure date... so we could say proper goodbyes and see-you-soon. But it is also painfully important to point out that many of my friends were coming from families where dad and/or mom work in secret.. the CIA, Air America, USIA, various intelligence organizations... and my friends had no idea what their parents did... the cloak of secrecy only added to the toughness of parting from these friends... in a few cases families were there on Friday and gone from the country by Sunday afternoon... never to be seen again.... at least until Facebook came along. My family had dozens of families where the dad [usually] worked for the US Department of Agriculture... right... Ag... right... but that was there story.
Very interesting twist to think about Peter...the whole bit about the secrecy of some parents' jobs and how that adds to this whole topic..wow..appreciate you adding this piece to consider. wonder if others relate to that too as an extra factor in the goodbyes in their lives? I hadn't really thought about that before
Sebastian, thanks for what you shared and I’m so sorry you weren’t able to process these losses earlier, but glad you are processing them now. You’re right—parents play a crucial role in how the family leaves. They need to teach their children how to leave well and to build a RAFT as Dave and Ruth explain elsewhere in the book. You’re right that how we leave is so significant. When we don’t leave well, we don’t enter well and we carry around lots of emotional baggage. Parents need to teach children to grieve, give children permission to grieve and model the grief process. It’s like the instructions about putting on oxygen masks. They need to put on their own mask first and then help their children to put theirs on. Depending on when you grew up, it may also be that no one had talked to your parents about how to leave well. Thanks Peter for what you shared. I can’t imagine how hard this was both for those who left and those left behind. I think the secrecy robbed these friends and their families of any opportunity for goodbyes and closures. Whenever TCKs lose the chance to say goodbye, the loss and grief has no opportunity to be expressed and so pain festers sometimes for years. One of the great benefits of Facebook is the opportunity to build RAFTs that should have happened years earlier. You’re so right that the predictable timing of your transitions gave you the opportunities to grieve and say healthy goodbyes. When parents’ jobs are a secret, it complicates not just the goodbyes and transitions, but so much more in terms of the sacrifices and losses that they experience.
Thanks for the good things that have been shared already. Let's take a look at the next part of this chapter. Dave Pollock and Ruth Van Reken identify four keys in the development of healthy TCKs and their identity: the parent-to-parent relationship, the parent-to-child, the TCK's perception of the parents’ work and the faith dimension. This is especially important because TCKs are relationally not geographically rooted. This part of the chapter also speaks to the intentionality required of parents who are raising their children outside of their passport culture(s). While each of these four elements is important, which of these four factors has been most important in your life?
Another factor that complicates TCK grief is the increased vulnerability to abuse, due to isolation and not having ready access to resources for reporting and getting support. I just became aware of a great resource for anyone who may have encountered these added stresses. It's a summary, including two excellent presentations at the April, 2015, conference of MK Safety Net. The conference dealt with the problems and helpful solutions to problems created by institutions that put their heads in the sand after receiving a report--a problem that is still occurring too often, unfortunately. http://www.mksafetynet.net/event2015....One of the presentations talks about the very complicated family grief of which those of us who have experienced or have been acquainted with such situations are very aware.
what i like about this chapter is how it draws attention to how well the family functions in any circumstances .... and therefore showing how these things can work well or exaggerate problems with international moves.its easy to focus on the negatives!, and i think my family didnt handle stress well, or knowing how to leave, well lets face it anything to do with emotions with those mediating factors are. and the end result of the stress one in particular is fear of change and general fear and insecurity especially around travel. i am not blessed with the ability to travel well. i have a kind of marcel marceau box of torture where i constantly need to get somewhere else, and travel badly emotionally.
on the good side i think the sponsoring project and organisation - the bbc and radio malaysia were benign and homey; advantages were taken of what the posting offered and i was in a local school run by nuns at the age of 3 with all the advantages of learning and integration and just pure fun that offered.
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A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!
Janet Blomberg serves as the Executive Director of Interaction International which serves the MK/TCK community through seminars, training, publications and resources. Janet is a third-culture adult (TCA) who has lived in Saudi Arabia, Taiwan and Hong Kong. She founded a publication called Interact, launched an organization in Asia providing support for families with limited educational options and served as Director of Educational Services before becoming Executive Director. Interaction was founded by Dr. Dave Pollock and he served as Executive Director until his death in 2004. Janet is based in Wheaton, IL, travels extensively and enjoys music, sports, Sudoku/word games and hanging out with friends and family.