The Creative Writer's Toolbelt discussion

Hi All: Andy has been most helpful with my main bugbear in writing: Showing Not Telling. I thought perhaps you might benefit from the process to see where I started from and where it finished. I asked for his suggestions on a transition sentence wanting to know about what my character would see on Boxing Day on the M1 after she's been delivered a secret by her fiance that MI6 kept for over 25 years. Below are his suggestions, and further below, how I used them, taking a different direction.
Andy: I'm imagining that your sentence or sentences might incorporate a 'pick and mix' of any of the following elements:

1. The weather

Is it cloudy? Raining? Snowing? Is it a bright clear day?

If it's cloudy, the clouds will be impenetrable, heavy, brooding - you might need to find the adjective that gives the single biggest punch. Although the only sense you can really play with in this case is sight.
If it's raining, you have the sheen of the rain on the road, the drum of raindrops on the car roof, perhaps even the smell of rain if the car window is slightly open
If it's sunny then it would be cold, their might be a frost, depending on the time of day - frost conjures up searing bright sun, dusting of frost on trees and land, sharp, bitter coldness.

2. In the car

There might be some elements of description from the car itself you ca use, music playing, condensation on the glass, any smells in the car - stale coffee, leather car seats, the smell of any luggage they have with them, maybe a faint smell of Aidan's cologne. Then you have maybe the noise of the engine, the swish of windscreen wipers.



3. The state of mind of your character

How does Brynne feel? Confused? Fearful? Excited? Stunned? Maybe she feels a sense of unreality, this unusual and astonishing secret is juxtaposed with the mundane scene from the window of the car.

So I think you could consider a couple of approaches:

i) A sentence that compares the oppressive weather around them with the oppression she feels at learning more details, or even guessing at those details


"From the car window Brynne looked at the winter clouds hanging over them, heavy with the next fall of rain. (She opened the window an inch and the cold air rushed in, blowing away the smell of the coffee they'd picked up earlier.) Next to her, Aidan was silent. He wouldn't say any more until she asked him a question, but there were so many questions, and which one should she ask first?"

ii) A sentence that contrasts the safe and familiar scene from the car window, and the setting of the Christmas break, with the dangerous, unfamiliar, deadly(?) secret

So something like:

"Brynne had always drawn comfort from the familiar. She looked out onto the sharp frosted landscape, and remembered the same view from another journey: she'd have been eight or nine, sitting on the back seat of the car on the way to her grandparents, mum passing her a jam sandwich. That had been a cold day as well, just as bright and sharp as today; but then she'd had been no secrets to keep, no burdens to bear."

Rae: After stopping for coffee, Aidan clicked the key-fob on his car, opened the trunk and pulled out the turkey sandwiches his mother packed for their journey.
“Want one?” he asked, his mouth half full of sandwich with a bit of stuffing clinging to the edge of his lower lip. It was cold outside, but the sun was shining. Brynne’s confidence was high. She put her hand to his and moved the sandwich toward her, careful not to drip cranberry sauce on the grey leather seats of the BMW.
“Could I drive?”
“Well,” he hesitated. “The road is covered in frost, and it’s Boxing Day, lots of people on the road who’ve had a drink and…”
“And the answer is no again? Right?” she hmphed, opening the window to let in the cold air and cool off his coffee, which he liked extra hot.
“Loads of parking tickets are not equivalent to poor driving skills,” she protested.
Aidan smiled and said nothing.
She humphed again. “You know what BMW stands for don’t you?”
“Bavarian Motor Works,” Aidan stated proudly.
“No. It means, Brynne Must Win. One day will you promise to let me drive this car?”
“Erm,” Aidan hesitated, searching for another excuse. “I’ll take it into consideration, but I make no guarantees.”

Hi Raenforest, thank you for posting that, it's really useful, 'showing not telling' is a tricky area for me also and no doubt for other newbies like myself. I like the breakdown of your suggestions Andy, very useful approach to break it up like that into 1) the weather, 2) the location 3) the state of mind. I'll be applying this trick myself for sure.

Hi Sol

I'm glad this is useful, what I try to do is think of the different aspects of what's happening in the context of the sensory data - what the characters see, hear, smell etc. and then I'll use some of those aspects, the ones that most appeal to me, in the scene.

Glad you found it helpful Sol. It was immensely helpful for me Andy to see your process.