Stick Figure discussion

talk about you here, and your experiences with this disorder

I have been dealing with anorexia since I was in grade six, give or take a year. I am now in high school.

I wrote about what I dealt with briefly in this personal story; http://www.wattpad.com/27301991-findi...

When I was in grade six, I didn't think I had a problem. I just wasn't ever hungry, at least that's what I told myself and anyone who asked. I gave away the sandwich my mother made me every day at lunch, and I barely touched my snacks. I was heavier than most of my friends, and I believed this made me fat. I wanted to be 'skinny' like my friends, and believed this meant my weight should match theirs. I didn't take into account the fact that I was a foot taller than all of them.

In grade seven, the youth worker at my school started "girls' group". We talked about the issues girls faced with pressure, the way the media portrays what women "should" look like, and creating a positive self-image, among other things. Myself and many of my friends joined this group, as it got us out of class and it sounded like fun. And it was. We learned to see our fellow classmates in a new light, we learned how to be a bit more positive about ourselves, and just had fun.

Eventually, it was brought to the youth worker's attention how little I was eating. I was still giving away my lunches, and by that point I could actually dig my fingers underneath my rib cage-that's how much it protruded. I didn't see anything wrong with this, in fact I was proud. I was proud that I could count every single knot on my spine and each and every rib. I was happy when I could see my hip bones sticking out of my skin. It meant I was beautiful.

The youth worker asked me to stay after the group left, and asked me how much I was eating. I replied that I wasn't hungry at lunch, so I gave it to a friend who was still hungry. As I said, I was proud, so I didn't think to hide the fact that I wasn't eating. My friends had thrown around the term "anorexic" before, but that couldn't be me. I wasn't sick, I didn't have a problem, I ate dinner and nibbled on my snacks when I was hungry.

I found out later that after I left her office she called my house. She told my parents that I wasn't eating anything. I don't exactly remember specifics, but I remember my mom informing me on the way home that she had phoned. I can remember how sad she looked, how disappointed she was--not in me, but in herself. She thought it was a reflection of her parenting, that she should have seen, should have stopped it before it happened.

Eventually, over a long period of time, I realized that I had a problem. I was too young to see the symptoms, too young to see the problem and what I was risking. But after talking to the youth worker, speaking with my mother, and hearing what my friends had to say, I got better. Slowly, over the course of two years, I healed, but never forgot. I relapsed monthly, though never to that extent--it wasn't allowed to go on so long as for it to get so bad again. I became more aware as to what I was doing to myself.

However, being more aware does not mean being healed.

Today, years later, I asked my mother for help. For a few months, I have been fearing that I was relapsing, that my eating was becoming an issue once more. I stopped eating breakfast again--I didn't have time. I didn't pack a lunch--I was in such a hurry I forgot. When I packed a lunch I didn't eat it--I forgot my retainer, so I couldn't eat anything if I wanted to.

I told myself, I don't have a problem, I still eat. And true, I did eat, and much more then I had in grade six.

However, eating does not mean healthy--my eating habits were irregular and inconsistent. If I had breakfast, I rarely had lunch. If I didn't have breakfast, I often forgot my lunch anyway. Most days I had a snack after school when I began to feel faint, and then I'd have dinner--if I were eating with family. If it wasn't a family dinner night--oops, it slipped my mind.

Today, I forgot breakfast. I felt sick on the way to school. I forgot my money, and oops I didn't pack a lunch. Oh, what do you know, I forgot my retainer case too. My lunch I was woozy, and I could feel a headache coming on. Last period rolled around, and my stomach refused to be ignored. It didn't grumble, of course it wasn't hungry. I was just nauseous, must be that flew. My headache was stronger, and I was in a terrible mood. By the time my mother picked me up, my headache was raging, and my mood was too. My mother talked to me, and I slammed the car door in her face.

An hour after she'd left me at the library, I finally admitted I was hungry. Actually, I'd admitted it earlier, but I just didn't have my retainer case. By this point, I couldn't concentrate on anything, and my mood went from bad to worse. What many people don't realize is that when you don't eat, your moods are affected too. Depression, fatigue, insomnia, complaints of feeling cold, and low self esteem are all effects, and they were effects that I was feeling.

When my mood turned on me, and I started feeling scared, I texted my best friend. I asked her if she would join me because I was bored. She said wait ten minutes. By the time seven minutes rolled around, I finally gave in and asked if she would bring food. Knowing she would bring some made me even more impatient for her to arrive.

Finally she arrived, toting a bagel and milk from Tim Horton's. I ate quickly, starving as I was. When I was finished, I noticed that my headache was receding, and slowly my mood improved. Then I confessed all.

She told me to tell my mom, and I agreed. She made suggestions about some healthy foods I could eat, and she helped me start to feel normal again.

So, when my mother picked me up today, I apologized to her. Then I asked her for help.

We've agreed to start going to a gym together, and we discussed some healthy foods to start eating. I want to stick to it this time. When it started to affect school, I realized it was time to stop this. School is where I excel, and my eating was challenging it. It was time I righted the injustice I was doing to my body and mind. On our way home, we stopped at the grocery store, and together we picked fruits and vegetables that may be my saving grace.

Today. Today was a good day.

so far today I've had 180 cal (2 bananas) and am allowed 400, eating some dinner tonight