The Writer's Cafe discussion

I'm not really sure if this is the appropriate folder for this story, so if it's not I apologized now. I wrote this with the intent to submit it for a writing contest, and would really like some peer feedback before submitting it. Please, be brutal, I honestly want to improve my abilities. Thanks!

"Please, Sylvia, give me a moment to think." he yelled, then thought better of it and lowered his voice. “I’m sorry…pour us a drink, Love, and try to calm yourself down."

“Pour us a drink and calm down? Jesus, Alex, you just killed a man!” she stood trembling as tears steamed down her pale white cheeks.

“Which is all the more reason why we have to calm down and think this thing through.” he wrapped his arm around her shoulders protectively and she jerked away as though suddenly revolted by his touch and glared up at him. “Johnas was no ordinary man, Sylvia…he was a Follower. It was him or me.”

“What do you mean, he was a Follower? ” She stood stiff and straight, her hands clinched at her side.

Resolved he would have to pour his own drink, Alex walked to the sideboard and lifted a decanter. He poured three fingers of whiskey in a glass and downed it in two gulps, then poured a second for himself and one for her.

“What…do…you…mean, he was a Follower?” she repeated, her voice cracked with emotion. Alex handed her a glass and waved his hand in the direction of the chair by the fireplace for her to have a seat. He paced back and forth in front of her gathering his thoughts before he started to explain.

“Alex!” He could smell her fear turning to anger.

“Okay…okay. You already know I am of a ancient race of dragons, with the ability to shape-shift,” he stopped and looked at her, she nodded. “…but I never told you how we came to be shape-shifters or about the Followers. She frowned, and he quickly continued.

“The story has been passed down through our clan for generations. A millennia ago, dragons were given the gift of shape shifting by a benevolent sorcerer named Alcott. You see, Alcott was falsely accused of invoking a spell of pestilence on his village and was sentenced to death by his King, Rayneir. Alcott and our Great Father, Sedderinth, were friends. When Sedderinth learned of the sentence and flew into the village and rescued Alcott, killing all who tried to stop him.” He stopped and took a sip from his glass.

“That’s what started the great war you told me about?” she held her glass in both hand, her knuckles as white as the etching on the rim.

“Yes, King Rayneir formed a band of hunters, from the kin of those killed, to track down all dragons and destroy them. So in gratitude for his life, Alcott bestowed the gift of shape shifting on dragons as a way for us to avoid extermination. But even after the war was over, they continued to hunt us. The band organized into the Society of the Followers, initiating their children at an early age and teaching their lies and hate to each new generation. They’ve hunted us relentlessly down through the ages. Those they’ve killed, out right, were the lucky ones. Many more they captured and tortured for information, or put into bondage for they’re own purposes, slaughtering them when they were no longer of any use. They are nothing less than barbarians!” Sylvia’s eyes stayed focused on the glass in her hands, as Alex spoke. “They paint themselves as righteous hunters of evil, when in fact they are the evil ones.” Now she closed her eyes and took a deep swallow of her whiskey before speaking.

“My God, Alex, that’s awful.” She spoke much more softly but he could still smell her anxiety. “But what makes you think Johnas was one of these…Followers?”

“He bore the mark,” resentment raked at his voice, “…a tattoo all Followers receive upon initiation…a prostrate dragon with a sword through it’s heart, on their upper left arm.”

“Okay, fine. But, that still leaves us with the problem of a dead body. It’s not like the police are going to believe the truth.” Sylvia’s cheeks were now flushed but her trembling seemed worse than before.

“There is only one thing I can do. I’ll take his body down to my room in the catacombs and consume it.” The color drained from her face again. “I’m sorry, but I have no other choice, his body can never be found. We can’t have the police…and the Followers…chasing us. Plans must be made. Johnas won’t have been working alone and others will be coming.”

“I thought you told me you were forbidden to consume human flesh?” her eyes flashed wildly.

“We are…except in extreme circumstances, and this is one of them.” She stared at him for a long moment, then inhaled deeply and nodded. Alex went out to the garden to retrieve Johnas’ body and Sylvia sat staring into the dark liquid in her glass as her mind wandered to Alex’s room and the first time she’d seen it. Deep in the catacombs under the house, it was the only place he felt safe in his true form.

The first time she saw the room she’d secretly followed Alex down there. It was a large rectangular room with high stone walls, stained with the soot of his fire. At one end was an iron door, behind which (she would later learn) lay his family’s legacy, the dragon’s horde. As she stood, hidden behind a support pillar, she watched as Alex removed his clothes and folded them neatly in a pile by the iron door. She could only see him in profile as he stood naked in the firelight of the wall sconces. He sniffed the air, as though trying to identify some faint odor, and the corner of his mouth lift in a grin. Then he reached toward the floor and a large plume of smoke rose from his feet. The next moment a dragon stood in his place. Scales of iridescent jewel tones sparkled in the firelight like so many emeralds, sapphires, and rubies. Spreading his wings high above him, they came within inches of the ceiling and the leather like membrane was almost transparent in the firelight. She stood riveted to the floor in total shock as he turned his head head slowly and looked directly at her. His eyes glowed like two large orbs of Baltic Amber, backlit by the sun, as a puff of smoke escaped his wide nostrils. Sylvia suddenly felt lightheaded. The next thing she remembered was waking up on the couch in the library with Alex, once again in human form, sitting beside her and wiping her forehead with a cool cloth. When she came to her senses it was his turn to be shocked. She told him how, as a child, she had always loved the old stories about dragons and had dreamed of having one of her very own. He was amazed and overjoyed at how easily she’d accepted his secret.

When Alex returned from the catacombs his black hair was disheveled in a mop of curls and his color was much paler than the usual reddish tan that made him appear to be of Native American decent.

“Are you okay?” Sylvia asked.

“Yes, I’ll be fine. It’s difficult to shift back to human form so soon after such a meal. It didn’t help that I had no taste for his flesh. It’s not something I crave anymore, you know.” He ran his hand through his hair and gave her a sheepish stare.

“I know but it was…necessary.” She walked over to him and put her hand on his cheek and he pulled her into his arms.“You know…I had no idea about Johnas?”

“It’s not your fault,” he said. “I should have told you everything the night you followed me to my room. I thought we were safe. I should have known better.” He hugged her tightly then stepped back to look down into her face. “I’m afraid we are in grave danger. We have to leave here, now. If we stay, more will come and they will kill us both. I’m so sorry, my love.”

“No need to apologize, I understand.” She whispered as she pressed her face against his left shoulder and gently kissed the spot she knew held the mark of his kind, a small scar-like birthmark resembling a dragon, coiled in slumber.

“It’s settled then?” He knew she was trying to be supportive but he could still smell her agitation.

“Yes, of course, but where can we go? Where will we be safe?” she asked. He thought for a moment then smiled.

“Remember when you told me you always wanted to live on an island?” she nodded, “How would you like to live on a Greek Island?” She drew her head back and looked up, wide eyed, as he continued. “Our clan has safe houses all over the world… secret places, unknown to the Followers. One such place is a castle on a remote island in the Aegean Sea.”

“A castle, really? Where in the Aegean?” She seemed excited but tense.

“Not far off the coast of Mikonos. There’s a small village just outside the walls of the castle, populated by Keepers. I lived there for a time, years ago.” He was sure she’d love it there.

Wait…Keepers? What are Keepers?” She shook her head in confusion.

“Keepers are the decedents of Alcott, they keep our secrets and help us when they can.” His voice radiated with respect and love. “They selflessly dedicate their lives to the preservation of our race.”

“And you’re just now telling me about these places and these people?” She frowned up at him with a glint in her eye that told him she was trying to lighten the moment. “I think I need a score card to keep up with all these different people…the Followers…the Keepers…are there any others I should know about?”

“Ah…well, now that you mention it. There is the Council, but they will have to wait. We must make our plans to go, now.” He kissed her forehead and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. “I have some calls to make. Go upstairs and pack what you want to take with you, only those things that are most precious to you, the rest we can replace when we get there.”

Alex knew it wouldn’t take long for her to pack. Sylvia had few possessions she considered too precious to part with. She had confided in him some months back that she’d lost everything, including both her parents, in a house fire when she was nineteen. A silver frame, containing a singed photo of her parents on their wedding day, and a pair of crystal candlesticks they’d used in the ceremony were all she had been able to salvage from the fire. She’d pack those, and a few clothes, and she’d be ready.

Alex came upstairs a short while later. Their plans were set. They would leave for the airport in an hour and board his private plane, bound for the island. He’d contacted the Keepers and they would come in and transport his family treasures once Alex and Sylvia were safely gone. He packed his bag, taking only a change of clothes and the dragon statue he kept on the nightstand. The dragon was a priceless antique molded from the gold offerings made to Sedderinth and their clan by the first villagers freed from the rule of King Rayneir, after the great war. Alex had no sooner wrapped the gold statue in his clothing and placed it in the bag when he heard the sound of a car on gravel. He looked out the window to see a blue truck and a police car coming up the long drive.

“We have company, and it doesn’t look good.” Alarm rang in his voice and Sylvia went to the window and peered out. “Take the bags and go down to the first level of the catacombs. I’ll meet you at the door that opens on to the road beside the river.”

“Wait! What are you going to do?” she was trembling again and the room was filled with the scent of her fear.

“I’m going to go greet our guests and see to their questions, then send them on their way.” He tried to keep his voice as calm as he could but Sylvia could hear the wariness. He kissed her forehead and turned her toward the bookcases, “Now go.” He whispered, as he patted her bottom lightly.

She picked up the bags, went to the bookcases and slid the panel back to reveal the passageway leading down to the catacombs. Before she closed it behind her she whispered, “Be careful….” then she was gone.

The beginning needs something to grab the reader. You have dialogue that plops the reader down in the middle with nothing to grab on to. I didn’t know where or when this was happening. If Alex just killed someone, use that as a visual to tell the reader where we are physically (house, castle, outside, apartment, etc.) I was trying to visualize as I read and some queues said I was in an ‘ancient’ setting and others had me in a modern setting.

Example: Sylvia shook as she stared down at the twisted body on the living room floor. She wondered how they were going to get out of this.

Firmly place the reader in a single POV (point of view). Head hopping is really frowned upon within a chapter as it is confusing to the reader. Sometimes we are in Alex’s head and other times we are in Sylvia’s head. You have to watch out for this even in the staging. If we are in Alex’s head then he can’t leave the room and leave us there with Sylvia. We have to stay with him when he goes to get the body for example.

For an opening chapter it is very heavy on back story and telling. You have it embedded in dialogue which is better than just straight out telling, but the long paragraphs where Alex is providing the back-story (yawn) kills an opening chapter. Better to write an action packed prologue that ‘shows’ the back story. Then your opening chapter can hit the ground running with these two characters.

Basic rule is “show - don’t tell” which I’m sure you have heard. Example, instead of having Sylvia remember going down to the hidden room, stay in Alex’s POV and take us with him as he goes to the room to eat Johnas. Show us the room and what he does there. He can remember Sylvia sneaking down there as we go along.

One last thought. I think Sylvia’s response to eating a human has to be stronger. She should be appalled, shocked, and cringe at the thought. And if we are in a modern setting “I thought you told me you were forbidden to consume…” sounds a little out of place. How about, “What! That’s disgusting. You told me you were not supposed to eat people.”

I know I’ve been really negative but I do think the story has potential. Keep working on it.

Thank you James. Yes, normally I would agree with you on the opening of the story. However, this particular short story is one specifically written for a "First Line" contest in which the first line is given and you write the story from there.
The reason the story is so heavy on back story is a 5000 word limit. I do see what you are saying though, and will try to rework it so it's distributed more effectively…as well as the POV.
Thank you so much for your input…it's much appreciated!! :)

Pt. 2
Alex met the Sheriff at the front door. He was accompanied by two large men standing behind him. One of the men had his shirt sleeves rolled up to his shoulders reveling a familiar tattoo on his upper left arm. This was going to be a bit more difficult than Alex had first thought.

“How may I help you Sheriff?” his smile revealing nothing of his thoughts.

“Alex Montgomery?” the sheriff asked with a nod as he removed his hat.
“Yes, what can I do for you, Sheriff?” He looked from one man to the other in feigned confusion.

“Sir, I’m investigating the possible disappearance of Johnas Bradshaw. May we come in?” his voice was calm but Alex detected a slight tone of agitation in the words, possible disappearance.

“Disappearance? Of course, please do come in.” He stood back and the sheriff entered the foyer followed by the two men. Alex could smell their hatred as they past by him. He lead them into the drawing room and offered them all a drink.

“Can’t do that on duty, but thank ya’ anyway” the sheriff said. The other two men just stared at him.

“Of course, you’re right, I’m sorry. So, what is this about Johnas Bradshaw? I hope nothing has happened to him. My fiancé Sylvia, would be quite distressed. They have just recently become friends.” Alex notice a slight twitch in the jaw of the Follower.

“Well, Mr. Montgomery. These two,” the sheriff thumbed the air in the direction of the two men behind him, “came to my office sayin’ Bradshaw had disappeared and they seem to think you may know something about that. Have you seen Bradshaw today?”

“Mr. Bradshaw was supposed to join us for dinner tonight, but he called my fiancé a few hours ago and said something had come up and he would have to cancel our plans. I’m afraid that’s all I know, Sheriff.” The man with the tattoo started to step forward but the other one grabbed his arm. Alex pretended not to see the movement and kept his attention on the sheriff.

“I see.” The sheriff looked over his shoulder, with a scowl, at the men behind him. “Did he by chance say what had come up?”

“No, I’m sorry, he didn’t.” Alex left it at that.

“And your fiancé…is she home?” he asked with a lilt to his voice.
“No…well..yes, she’s home…but she’s out riding at the moment.” Alex explained.

“I see. Well,” he reached into his shirt pocket, “ if you or your fiancé hear from him, can you have him call me at this number.” and handed Alex his card.

“Of course, Sir, I’d be happy to.” Alex took the card and smiled. “I certainly hope he’s okay.” The tattooed man burst forward, his fists clinched and his face red with anger, and started yelling at the sheriff.

“Is that it? You’re just going to hand him your card and leave? I’m telling you he has done something with Johnas!” he pointed his finger just inches from Alex’s face. Alex took a decisive step back, masking his expression in the best image of innocent surprise he could muster. “You have to search this house! I know he’s here!”

“All I have is your word on that and you can’t even give me a plausible reason as to why he’d want to hurt Mr. Bradshaw! Mr. Montgomery has been a peaceful member of this community for years now and I have no reason to question his word. I only came out here in the first place to shut you two up. Now…” he reached out to Alex and shook his hand, “I thank you for your time, Sir, and I apologize for the intrusion.” Then the sheriff turned to the men and pointed at the door, “Out.” Suddenly the tattooed man lunged at Alex, grabbing him by the throat and shaking him.

“I know what you are, demon, and I know you’ve done something with Johnas! Now you’re going to tell me…where is he?” Alex struggled with the man and the Sheriff yelled.

Things became a blur of shoving and shouting, then a shot rang out. When the chaos subsided, the sheriff was lying on the floor beside the overturned coffee table, blood quickly spreading into a puddle under his head. Alex was standing with the sheriff’s revolver in his hand and the tattooed man was at his feet with a bullet hole in his chest. Alex looked up just in time to see the other man running out the front door. By the time Alex reached the door, the pickup was half way down the drive. He ran back in to check on the sheriff. He was dead. Alex grabbed the coffee table runner off the floor and wiped his finger prints off the revolver.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered as he put the gun in the sheriff’s hand and closed the dead mans eyes. He pulled his keys from his pants pocket, ran to the car and jumped in, starting the engine as he closed the door.

Sylvia was pacing back and forth in front of the old wooden door, her cell phone to her ear, when Alex’s car came around the corner of the house. As he slid to a stop beside her he flung the passengers door open and yelled for her to get in.

“What the hell happened?” she asked as a cloud of dust engulfed her.

“I’ll explain on the way but we have to go..NOW! Get in!” and he pulled her by the arm nearly taking her off her feet. She jumped in and barely had the door closed before he slammed his foot on the accelerator. The tires spun in the dirt, and the car fish tailing up the hill.

“What the hell? Was that a gunshot I heard? What happened, Alex?” Sylvia shouted as they turned onto their drive way, slinging gravel in all directions.

“The Sheriff and two Followers…they were asking about Johnas. I almost had them out the door till one of them attacked me after he demand the Sheriff search the house and he refused. I don’t know exactly how it happened but the Sheriff and one of the Followers is dead, one got away, and I was left holding the Sheriff’s gun. We have to get to the airport and get out of here as soon as we possibly can.” Alex’s body was as tense as a bow. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. “Harvey, it’s me. We need the decoy…yeah, it’s bad. We’re on our way, we need wheels up as soon as we arrive. There’s no time to loose…right, see you in a few.” He put the cell phone back in his pocket and glanced over at Sylvia. “It won’t take more than a half hour before the house is swarming with police.”

“Alex, you killed another Follower AND the Sheriff?” Sylvia was nearly hysterical.

“No…I…. To be honest with you, Sylvia, it all happened so fast I don’t know what really did happen. All I know is they are dead. I wiped my prints off the gun and put it in the Sheriff’s hand. It will look like the Follower attacked him and he shot him before dying himself. ” He glanced quickly at Sylvia then back to the road.

“Oh my God!” She half turned in her seat to look at him, she was pail and shaking, “What did you mean on the phone, just now, about a decoy? What the hell are you planning to do?” Alex took a deep breath to try to calm himself enough to answer her clearly.

“There will be two planes leaving the airport, mine as a decoy, and a second one that we’ll be on. If mine makes it off the ground it will head for international waters and crash. The Keepers will set up a pickup spot for the pilot to bail. Everyone will think we are dead.” He hesitated, “At least, that’s the plan.” Sylvia threw herself back against the seat staring straight ahead.

“And if your plane doesn’t make it off the ground?” her voice held a bitterness he’d never heard from her before.

“Then we’ll reroute to Cuba, and charter a plane from there to the island.” She exhaled loudly, shaking her head.

“Cuba.” She said flatly, then sat with her arms folded, in silence, for the rest of the trip.

When then arrived at the airport they drove directly to the hanger where the planes were waiting. They boarded their plane and waited for clearance. It was only a few minutes before both planes were taxiing out, one behind the other. Their plane turned onto the runway and within seconds it was lifting off. As they circled around Sylvia could see the flashing lights of a dozen or more police cars as they swarmed the tarmac below. Alex’s decoy plane barely left the ground in time. Their pilot switch on the intercom so Alex and Sylvia could hear the order for the decoy to return to the tarmac. He knew the pilot would ignore the order. The decoy headed for the open waters of the the Gulf, and the plane carrying them to safety veered off toward the Atlantic.

“We’ll be fine now.” Alex reached for Sylvia’s hand and squeezed it gently as she turned her head toward the window and closed her eyes.

“What’s the next stop?” Sylvia asked, after they finished refueling in the Bahamas. It was well after midnight by the time they were back in the air.

“Marrakesh.” Alex looked up from the book he’d been reading. “I’ve set up a meeting there with the Council.”

“Ah yes, the Council.” She looked over at him impatiently. “So, don’t you think you should tell me about this Council.” He closed the book and picked up his coffee cup.

“The Council is a group of elders that keep our laws and guide our activities in order to preserve our race. I must appear before them to give witness to the incidents with Johnas, the other Followers, and the sheriff…and persuade them to extend protection to you.” He reached for her hand and she drew away, startled.

“Me? Why do they need to protect?” her tone was raw.

“With the deaths of Johnas, and whoever the Follower was that died with the sheriff, you will have a price on your head the same as I. They need to be aware you are now a target as well. It’s not only for your safety but the safety of those you come into contact with that.”

“Whoever the Follower was….” She mouthed his words in a mocking air that sent a chill of intuitive alarm through Alex, but she didn’t realize he’d seen her. “So this Council, they rule from Marrakesh?” she asked coldly.

“No…” he chose his words carefully now, his attention fully focused on her body language and expression. She seemed preoccupied with looking out the window, although there was nothing but darkness as far as the eye could see, and the smell of hate crackled through the planes cabin like electricity. “They meet where and when they are needed.”

“Where, in Marrakesh, will we meet with them then?” She finally turned to him with a wooden expression.

“We…won’t. I must go by myself to meet with them. Humans are not permitted audience with the Council.” he lied. The scent of her agitation grew. Suddenly she turned on him, her eyes full of rage.

“That’s a lie and you know it?” she hissed. His heart sank as a familiar scent hit his nostrils.

“Sylvia! Oh Sylvia…no.” Suddenly flashes of conversations and situations came flooding through his mind; all the times she’d questioned him about his kind, and the cell phone in her hand as he stopped to pick her up behind the house. The realization took his breath away. “Why Sylvia…why? You know I loved you? Why would you betray me like this?” Alex slumped back in his chair, his face drained in disappointment.

“Why Alex?” She started clawing at her upper left arm, as she spoke, pealing away a layer of false skin to reveal a dragon with a sword through it’s breast. “Remember the story I told you about my parent’s death?” she was taunting him now. “Well, what I didn’t tell you was the fire was started by a dragon! My parents were Marjory and Silas Gregory…ring any bells, Alex?” She continued be for he could answer. “They should, since you were the dragon that slaughtered them! And Johnas? Johnas and I were friends since childhood,” her voice cracked with pain, “…and the Follower you killed with the sheriff, he was my only brother…and YOU killed them ALL!” She was shaking violently now.

“Your father and mother were responsible for torturing and killing members of my clan, Sylvia. Do you not remember the underground chamber beneath the barn?” he pleaded. “I had no choice but to destroy them.”

Pt. 3
“No more of your lies, demon!” she spit out, shaking her head violently. “You hunted them down and killed them, simply because you could!” Sylvia pointed at him, an icy sneer stretched tightly across her once beautiful mouth. “But I’ll have my revenge, dragon! You won’t be meeting anyone in Marrakesh…in fact this plane is never going to make it to land. You see, the bomb I packed in my bag is set to explode in just a few minutes and you will be sent to hell where you belong!” Her voice lowered and she looked at her cell phone as she finished, “And with the information you’ve given me, we’ll be able to find your precious Council and destroy them all…as well as at least one of your insidious hiding places and the scum who harbor you!”

“Oh Sylvia…Darling,” Alex shook his head in disappointment, his eyes beginning to glow with anger, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. If you believe, I am going to sit here and let you threaten my clan, you are sadly mistake. Dragons don’t tolerate treachery well, as I’m sure you know.”

“You have no choice in the matter!” She nodded at Alex’s coffee cup. “You see, I put a very interesting medication in your coffee, Darling! You’re arms and legs will start to feel very heavy, very soon, and in a few moments, you’ll be completely paralyzed but wide awake to witness your own destruction!” She narrowed her eyes and stared at him, “Personally, I’m going to enjoy seeing you helpless to move or stop me as I bail out of this plane, but that will be nothing compared to the pleasure I will take in seeing this plane explode, with you in it!” She jeered. “You have no idea how it has turned my stomach these last few months to lie with you, knowing what an abomination you are! But very soon it will all have been worth it!” she started to stand, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, my uncle is waiting in the waters below and as soon as he picks me up we will celebrate our victory over you and your kind.”

“No, Sylvia, I’m afraid you won’t be celebrating any time soon!” He raised his hand to stop her and her eyes widened with shock. “ You see…human medications have no affect on me, or have you forgotten…I am not human?” As he stood, her face turned ashen gray. “You are, however…my love…and I’m truly sorry.” As he spoke he reached for the floor.

Sylvia’s scream was drowned out by the sound of the explosion. When the ball of flames died out, only Alex remained, suspended in the air by his large leathery wings. As the smoke cleared, he looked down to see a small ship floating about a mile away. He blinked back tears from his bright amber eyes as he straightened his long neck and dove head long toward the dark waters below.

One o’clock that morning, a cargo ship sailing about three hundred miles off the coast of the Bahamas spotted, what they described as, a ball of lightning in the sky followed by a large explosion some miles off in distance. In the captain’s official reported, he noted that it must have been a ship carrying explosives as there were streams of fire shooting through the sky. No evidence was ever found to corroborate the report.

First of all, I love your idea that dragons not only exist, but are living among us in modern times as shape shifters. A very cool idea.

I agree with most of the points that James made earlier, especially about establishing earlier on where and when we are. I found myself kind of distracted by not knowing what kind of time period we were in, or world for that matter. I don't think it would normally be a problem if your main character wasn't a dragon. I think the average person upon reading that Alex is a dragon is going to make an assumption that this is a classical fantasy story taking place in your basic fantasy/medieval setting. Not until Alex mentions making a phone call and travelling to a Greek island did I realize the setting. This isn't a huge problem and I think one of your talent will have little trouble fixing it.

I love your early plot twist too in the third post when we suddenly find out that Sylvia is a Follower and will not be our heroine for the rest of the story.

All in all, great story so far. There's just a few little grammatical and technical errors that I'm sure you don't need pointed out and will fix in your final draft. Good luck and keep up the great writing!

There several places in part two and three where I would have stopped reading.

A sheriff is not going to go knocking on someone’s door when nobody is really missing. Especially when the explanation he was given is that someone did not show up for dinner. The two other followers might show up but not law enforcement.

Second, why do these followers need law enforcement’s help? If they are hunting a dragon why involve local authorities at all? Then they get upset when the sheriff is going to leave without any evidence? They don’t seem like very smart dragon hunters.

Third, seeing how the story ends in part 3, none of the back-story is needed at all. It has no relevance the story at hand – Followers seeking revenge on a dragon.

Four, no matter who you are or what resources you have at your disposal, a quick phone call is not going to arrange for a decoy plane on such short notice

Lastly, you need to decide who’s story this is. Is it Alex’s story? Sylvia’s?

The core of your idea is solid and unique but the execution of it needs some work for it to be believable.

Thank you, Brandy and James. All the aformentioned problems have been addressed, except your point about arranging the decoy plane, James. We will have to agree to disagree there. Besides, we are talking about a shape-shifting dragon here. :) The story is finished and submitted, we'll see. Thanks again!

Thank you, Carlos.