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Chapter 5 - Dead Inside

Eric says work, but that doesn't really go well when everyone's shooting me weird looks and he reduces a Dauntless guy to tears. In the end he storms out. A Thunder Cloud. At least the torrential rain has stopped.
Four leads the way back to the Pit. Me at the back. My friends still quite quiet after Eric's outburst. As if sensing something might crash at any minute. I'm used to it, not that they know that. But honestly I'm terrified. I'd come here to escape, but if Eric did that in every training session...

I don't each lunch. Afraid of throwing up. Nervous anticipation claws my stomach like an uncaged animal. Plus it's steak and burgers. Not nice. No matter how much the initiates try to convince me otherwise.

The privilege of being able to look in the mirror whenever I want is both a burden and a blessing. It means I finally know what I look like. What I look like now and not just on the second day of every third month. I could stand here all day, planning how I could look. Blue hair, or green. Cropped short, layered to give it body. Piercings covering my face, tattoos mapping every inch of my skin until I am a piece of art. Until I am beautiful in a completely unique and abstract way.

But my back still bleeds at night; smearing the sheets with scarlet. The incisions still marking it, a reminder. Of my mistakes. Of what I had become.
My face slowly turns a gothic rainbow; of blues and night and dusk and darkness. And we haven't even started body combat yet. Just running and shooting. Training and punchbags.
We started on the fourth day.

"Everybody over here!" Four's shout pierces my headache, sending orange rust and sparks flitting across my vision. Orange, the colour of pain, spurring from my eyes. Leaving the punchbag swinging, suspended just above the floor, I jog over. Each step a meticulous thud against my skull. Thud. Thud. Thud. Stop. By the time I reach the crowd I'm about to pass out. Heaviness weighing me down, trying not to drown. I slump against Lauren for support. Room spinning.
"This is the Score Board. You will be ranked, based on your ability here at Dauntless. First at physical, then mental, and finally against fear. " I close my eyes briefly, blackness engulfing me, bring bittersweet relief. That dark abyss of relief. There's something funny about the board, but I can't work it out. Don't have the energy to.
"Currently you're all equal, but that will change now, depending on your fights. Who you fight, if you win, how quickly. " he surveys is, gaze pausing on my frail state. "Clear?" I try to breathe slowly, not to vomit all over the guy in front.
"Anyone below 20 at the end of stage 1 will be cut. "

That stops the breathing. Cut? That makes all the difference. Not that I expected it to be otherwise. The Dauntless weren't like the Amity; kind and caring enough to protect everyone who passed through their doors. So I will have to dig. Deep. I want this. I'm not sure i can do it though. Especially in this state. My opponent will be lucky if I can make it to the ring without passing out. Orange streaks my vision.

"First pair: Em versus Lauren. " He smiles knowingly as he says it, like he can already guess the outcome. I force myself to stand properly so Lauren can fight, a weak smile my good luck symbol. Em is the girl with the nervous twitch, but at the moment she seems as comfortable as ever. Smirking and cracking her knuckles as if this is going to be the easiest thing in the world. Pale blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. Pink and green streaks intertwined.

"What does she think she's got on herself?" The guy in front of me mutters to a Dauntless-born with a mullet, obviously scowling at Em. Mullet Head's shoulders start to shake as he turns to face the other initiate. Laughter.
"She's the faction head's step-sis, you stupid slut, she could beat the shit outta you before you even knew what's coming. " Mullet Head punches him in the stomach before stalking off. The guy in front doubled over in pain. The whole thing would have been hilarious, but I didn't have energy for laughter. And those punches hurt.

Em had given up sparring Lauren, face hardened. Ready for battle. Punch to the stomach, hand stiffened into a fist. Despite being almost the same size, Lauren's uncoordinated limbs make her defence too slow for the strike, landing squarely in her torso. Yelping back, winded. Arms protecting middle, the cuff to her jaw unprotected. She ducks too late. Her height giving her a disadvantage as the fist slams into her nose, splattering blood across her face. Em takes a step back, not an unfair fighter. Lauren wipes blood from her face, taking a wild swing. Momentum throwing her forward, Em's dodge too short, she a crashes into the other girl. The faction head's step-sister uses this against her, twisting her into a headlock; punching, kicking with alternate limbs. I almost cry out, but can't. Vocal chords too tight, the orange having reached there too.

Em releases the asphyxiating Lauren to the floor, standing over her as she struggles to regain breath. Heaving.
"Em is the winner. " Four announces, high-fiving the blonde girl before altering the Scoreboard. Em in the lead. 2 points.

"Next, Aaron V Kane..." I relax, thankful it's not one if my friends. Thankful it's not me. Guilty as they rush off to help Lauren. Pain. Pain. More pain.
I don't watch Aaron and whoever he's fighting. Don't see the punches, the blood. The sickening thuds the backing music to my symphony of torment. Violins plucked too tight too hard, crashing chords, pounding against my cranium. Not registering the thump of body on floor, winner's name announced. I know I should be watching, observing, noting flaws, using weaknesses, but... back throbs. Pain...

"Becky versus Pelican. " Becky. I force my eyes open, take in Four's smirk at her opponent's name. It's Mullet Head. Crap. Crap, crap crap. Helpless. Surely it's unfair to have a Dauntless-born facing a sweet Amity girl first time round? And what sort of name is Pelican? It's not like he can fly or anything. Not like he can reach 3000 metres altitude.
Becky moves into the ring. Scared. But then Mullet Head, Pelican, whatever he's called, sticks out his hand. A truce.
"Don't take it personally. " he mutters. Sincere. As though he knows the pairing's unfair. Knows he's going to hurt her. Wants her to know he doesn't mean it.

Ninety seconds later, Becky's on her back for the third time; grunting in pain; struggling to regain composure. Pelican's face a frown. Like he wants to get this over with quickly. There is no honour in beating up a little girl. Her pain adds to my own, silently begging for him to end it. Stop her suffering. Now. Before she's even up to her full stature he throws a punch - the punch - cracking against her nose, sending her tumbling down. Again. Like one of those potato sacks in Amity. And on the floor she stays. For about five seconds before Pelican's down beside her, testing her pulse, ordering people to help him carry her to the Infirmary. A point appears next to his name, and my friends continue to lose out.

Faith changes our luck by beating a tall guy with shaggy blonde hair, sending him to the Infirmary with a broken nose. At least Becky will have company. 2 points.
Then two Amity boys spend ten minutes throwing such gentle punches, Four throws them out of the ring. They'd have both been dead in a real fight he says.
The nausea starts to leave, swallowed down by a bunch of starving nerves.

"Cilla versus Kat. " I open my eyes. Four's staring right at me. Pointedly. Sternly. As in 'get your stupid arse over here-ly'. Only one other person is moving. Is she Cilla? Or Kat? Confusion sets in. I'm neither. I'm sure of that. Four usually just refers to me as Stiff. Why would that change? Why now? That's when I realise. The board. It doesn't have my name on. It doesn't say Amelia Black. It doesn't say Stiff either. Not sure what I'd expected. It does have Cilla though. And Kat. Kat. If that's me I'll be almost as bad as Pelican. At least that had some creativity behind it.

I move, each step an earthquake, until I reach the ring. I have to do this. I need to do this. I can't afford to lose. Not now. Not after everything. Her dark hair pulled into an elaborate braid down her back. Red lips pursed. Like a murder of crows, we circle. One step forward, two steps back. Attack; defend. Neither provoking the other, not yet. Then she lunges, like a lioness in for the kill. Incentive throwing her into me, knocking us to the floor. Her on top. Striking my face again and again. Sunset swarms. I need to fight back. I can't let her win. I refuse to be beaten. No more. I tell myself. No more.

I'm no longer me. I'm the haunt of my nightmares, of my life. Hollow eyes, no pity. The empty anger. But anger all the same. Yank my arm free in one quick movement. Teeth bared, rip them into her flesh at the next punch. Howls of terror. Aim for the throat. Aim for the jaw. The nose. Reverse positions. Knee to stomach. Savage with incite. To cause pain. To see blood drawn. Her flesh gives under my kneecap, sinking back into he stomach. Breath forced out of her mouth. She's stopped fighting back, but I have to be certain. The blood in my ears insist so. I draw back one final punch, ready to - a hand clamps around my elbow, stopping the lash. But all at once the desire's gone; the anger, gone. Four's eyes pierce mine as I get up, ashamed. As if the hatred was merely a charge, as if now it's been drained, passed on to him.

The girl manages to stand, hobbling off to the side. Guilt obscures my face.
"Kat wins. " Four mutters, eyes glinting with something unfamiliar.
Vermillion multitude. Infest. Invade. Taking over every particle of every cell of every atom. I collapse backwards into something, spiralling down into oblivion. I'm gone before I hit the bottom.

Okay, so I noticed this earlier, but I found it abundant in this chapter. You often seem to use just words and not full sentences in many places. I have a slight suspicion that it is unintentional, but I'd recommend checking on that. Also, we need details. I also recommend proofreading the story.

Okay thanks hallie. Ill edit and rethink once my mocks are other. :)