The Humour Club discussion

What's the first thing you'd do in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Probably the same thing that I'll do in the event of a Trump presidency - hunker down and start to amass weapons.

I'd play "Time of the Season" over and over, just to be ironic.

Go on writing.

I would throw out my tweezers and eyeliner as the lowered beauty standard would be welcome. Then I would get a really good bat made out of some super strong hi-tech material. I would smash the heads in of all the non-zombie people who think zombies are just misunderstood (there is someone like that in every crowd). I would eventually have my own posse, and we would only wear black and be the coolest people left on the planet.

1. Lock all the doors. Check the back seats of any cars that you might own, cos zombies love back seats.

2. Take a look out of the window to see what kind of zombies we are dealing with and what the rules are. Slow moving shufflers or running-shoe wearing Usain Bolts? All dead become zombies or only those that have been bitten? Infectious scientific zombies or supernatural end of the world fellas? Only humans become zombies or all animals? Can the zombies operate machinery, such as cars, door handles and pump action shotguns.

3. Check a map for the location of (a) the nearest shopping mall (b) hospital (c) graveyard and (d) (if you are in the UK) any medieval castles with working drawbridges.

4. Team up with uninfected neighbours, especially any who cannot run as fast as you can.

5. Stock up on tinned peaches.

6. Formulate an action plan accordingly.

Do not under any circumstances do what the cast of the Walking Dead did in series two and decide that it would be a good idea to live in tents. Brick and stones = good. Fabric = bad.

Will wrote: "...4. Team up with uninfected neighbours, especially any who cannot run as fast as you can."

That's a good one to remember. I forgot the importance of having sacrificial lambs to facilitate an easier escape.

Unfortunately, I would be one of the slower ones.

I have always wanted a castle with a drawbridge and lots of tinned peaches.
I can't run very fast so I will have to outsmart them.

I have so many questions...Zombies seem like the hungry sort. They don't seem to have ranching/breeding skills. They will run out of food. Will they evolve into vegetarians?

The Walking Dead folks were constantly covered in zombie blood and guts. That can't be healthy. It would be a good idea to keep a supply of antibacterial wipes.

Should one hide until they are gone or try to kill them all?

Avoid Starbucks first thing in the a.m. - Zombies seem to gravitate there. Libraries might be safe, and most librarians aim for the head automatically.

Get bitten. If you can't beat 'em eat 'em.

I'll start acting like one.

According to Walking Dead you can cut the arms off one and put it on a leash. You can also rub their guts all over your body. It is not for the squeamish.

Break into the Royal Armouries. Tons of weapons and old fashioned armour. Zombies couldn't chew through chainmail or steel plate.

They even have elephant armour (although, sadly, I do not have an elephant to wear it).

Wear a sheet. They wouldn't recognise a ghost.

Realistically, I'd get eaten. I'd think I was safe in my little basement apartment in my big city and then...eaten.

Go for sweets first, then crunchy carbs and lots of hot buttered bread and rolls ladled with rich sauces, then hit the margaritas until I'm too happy to care.

In the US we aren't worried about zombies. We have Trump, and we are trying to figure out how to survive if he is elected. Many of the same principles apply as surviving zombies. His followers will be armed and on a cleansing rampage. Actually he is okay with dropping nukes in Europe, so where to go? where to hide?

I'd find a way to have the Australian T.V. show "A Place to Call Home" broadcast on massive televisions all over the world. sleeping zombie is less of a threat.

I have another "What Would You Do?": What if you could fall completely off the grid, at least temporarily? What would you do if you were effectively invisible to the rest of the world?

Is this hypothetical? I am almost there anyway.
Being literally invisible would be fun for awhile. Would food disappear as it entered my body? Would people sit on top of me in airplanes? Would someone chase objects appearing to be floating out of stores? Would police stop my car because it appears unmanned? What if I had appendicitis? It would be fun but complicated.

I mean invisible in the sense of not appearing on any computer in the known universe. Not in the H.G. Wells sense. Or even the Ralph Ellison one, for that matter.

Joel wrote: "I mean invisible in the sense of not appearing on any computer in the known universe. Not in the H.G. Wells sense. Or even the Ralph Ellison one, for that matter."

Survivalists try to pull this off. I prefer physically invisible. I know many people who put tape over the camera on their computers. I want to know who is watching and how bored are they?

Brena wrote: "Joel wrote: "I mean invisible in the sense of not appearing on any computer in the known universe. Not in the H.G. Wells sense. Or even the Ralph Ellison one, for that matter."

Survivalists try to..."

I put tape over my computer, too. Still trying to find a way to put it over everyone else's, though.

Joel wrote: "Brena wrote: "Joel wrote: "I mean invisible in the sense of not appearing on any computer in the known universe. Not in the H.G. Wells sense. Or even the Ralph Ellison one, for that matter."

Survi..."
You and Zuckerberg with the tape. My son does it also. When I open my computer I just say, "oh, Hello."

Years ago I made a stupid comment on a website. I was probably coming down off a chocolate high. It still pops up. Ugh!!!!

I showed a friend who always lies about her age how easy it is to look up on the internet. She went into a rage and wanted to sue the worldwide web.

1 Cut my hair short
2 Always double-tap

On the zombie shows the men keep shaving, and the women keep plucking their eyebrows and wearing bras. I would also cut my hair really short so it would be easier to find the lice.