Write, Wrote, Written II discussion

This is some of the story I'm writing, it is definitely not finished. I also haven't finished adding everything yet, like a few names and I will add pictures my friend is drawing, but please give me feed back on what I have now.

Friday, October 25, 1895
Dear diary,
My name is Poppy I have started this diary to get somethings out of my head, I also might draw a few pictures if I see anything cool or interesting. I am fifteen, I am at St. Joseph’s, and I have been here since I was ten because my parents were too poor to sub stain a healthy house hold, so they sent me here. Today I woke up shivering it is getting colder out. It is almost November the temperature is dropping I can’t wait to get an extra blanket. Here the walls are stone, the floor is stone and the beds feel like it too. I have no friends I just had acquaintances that all like me quite a lot for some reason. I looked like a seven year old, a very beautiful seven year old (I get complements daily for it) and all of the good teachers favour me. I have also been bullied by two girls named Hanna and Beth they are twin sisters who I think are just jealous, but they only do it when teachers aren’t looking. Every time I tried to tell on them the teachers called it a conflict and not bulling well all except for my favourite teacher Professor Angeline. Angeline teaches English and social studies. She once brought up me being bullied by Hanna and Beth to the principle Professor Sherwood, he said the same thing as all the other teachers, this made Angeline quite upset for some reason, that I couldn’t quit figure out.
I am writing this after classes.

 

Friday, November 15, 1895
Dear diary,
It is almost time for end of term test then we have a week of school then THREE week vacation from school! Most people go home but I help Professor Angeline mostly just to avoid Hanna and Beth who only go home for a week. I have always wondered why they have bullied me more than the rest of our grade.
I wrote this entry after class.
Saturday, December 14, 1895
Dear diary,
I haven’t wrote recently because I have been so busy with all the test but yesterday was last day of classes. Today I notice that I have always been very lonely here but I guess I don’t have a chose after all I am pretty mush an orphan even if I keep to the hope of seeing my parents again. Everyone is excited for Christmas well everyone except me because I never get a gift but the good thing is Hanna and Beth aren’t here they go home for Christmas.
Wrote this around three.
Tuesday, December 24, 1895
Dear diary,
I don’t have a lot to write about except this, today two knew girls came and since I’m the only student here I had to give them the tour, which was great. The two girls are twins and their names are Orchid and Echium. Some of the teachers say that we look similar, I don’t see it. They are really nice I think I might actually have friends now.
Writing this around four in the afternoon.
Wednesday, December 25, 1895
Dear diary,
Today I woke up wasn’t expecting any gifts or anything at all until I saw a tiny box wrapped in silver wrapping paper and said To Poppy, Merry Christmas. I looked at Orchid and Echium and they had the same box. When I opened it, it was a pure white necklace shaped like a leaf. I’ll draw a picture of it after this entry. It was so beautiful. It didn’t say who it was from. I thought this was really weird and wondered who could have sent it to us. I think it might have been Professor Angeline.
Wrote this about noon.

Wednesday, January 1, 1896
Dear diary,
It is midnight Happy New Year. School starts in five days. Everyone comes back in three days.
Monday, January 6, 1896
Dear diary,
The today rocked I hung out with Orchid and Echium who everyone liked a ton. I have two really best friends now, which is really cool. I also learned that they came from an orphanage. They don’t know if they are actually orphans. They came with a letter when they were young that said their parents were too poor, just like mine. Everyone also liked our necklaces from Christmas.
Written after class.
Monday, January 13, 1896
Dear diary,
This last week was the best days of school I have ever had. All the teachers were in a great moods, the students actually listened to the teachers and Hanna and Beth were sick so they weren’t in class. I hope this next one will be like that too.
Writing before class.

Wednesday, January 15, 1896
Dear diary,
School is still going great here at St Joseph’s. Orchid and Echium are the best of friends. It is like we have always knew each other. Some of the other students say we look alike too. I still don't see it.
Writing after classes.
Friday, January 17, 1896
Dear diary,
Today at school we found out they are throwing a school dance, it is next Friday and I really hope this guy who came about a week after the Christmas break will ask me. He is very kind and is always looking at me with his beautiful sky blue eyes and his name is Aster. Aster also has the right length of bark brown hair and pointed ears. Just thinking about him makes me have butterflies in my stomach.
Written jurying lunch.
Wednesday, January 22, 1896
Dear diary
Today was the best day of my life, my wish came true, Aster just asked me to the dance by saying and I quote
“I think taking you to the dance would be like a dictionary, it would add meaning to my life.”
I just melted it was like a fairy tale, with the happily ever after part. Now I wish my life would end with it.
Written after classes.
Thursday, January 23, 1896
Dear diary,
Today all anyone could talk about was the dance. The word spread that Aster and I are going to the dance together. I really hope we have a good time.
Written after lunch.
Friday, January 24, 1896
Dear diary,
Today's dance was fabulous, Aster and I had a magical time (even with our friends making fun of us like all friends). The decorations were beautiful, I’ll draw a picture of it after I finish writing. We danced and talked. I found out that he is from a different country, but he wouldn't tell me the real names of where he came from, just made up names. This is where he said he was from Inglaterra, the five surrounding countries were called, Francia, Bélgica, Gales, Escocia, and Irlanda. Where in the world did he make those names from, I had to ask him how to spell them. When I see him next I'll ask what his town is called. Other than that conversation it was fabulous like I said earlier. I will remember this night always.
Written after the dance at about nine.
Wednesday, January 29, 1896
Dear diary,
On Monday all any one could talk about was Aster and me, it got really annoying after about the first five minutes. They all think we make a cute couple and say we should get together but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't date until I'm sixteen, so he will have to wait one more month, I am turning sixteen, well technically I am turning four because I am a leap year baby and so are Orchid and Echium (I found out). I also remembered to ask Aster what town he was from, and he said he was from Londres. I think that name is weird but defiantly not as weird as some of the countries.
Written after classes.
Tuesday, February 11, 1896
Dear diary,
These past week has been very nice outside. I have been outside most of the time with Orchid and Echium. We have found this giant old oak tree, and it is literally about sixty-five feet tall and had an extremely wide trunk, I bet it will look very pretty when it starts to blossom. I will draw a picture of it. I said we will have to return to it in spring, (that should only be about a month away). When we were there Hanna and Beth showed up, they then quickly walked further into the woods.
Written in the evening.
Thursday, February 13, 1896
Dear diary,
My day has now taken a turn for the worst. Professor Angeline has fallen very ill. She can’t leave her bed because her mussels have weakened. The doctor said he has never seen anything this server for at least twenty-five years. There is even more, the teacher taken over Angeline’s class is Professor Sherwood because they couldn’t get anyone else. There is one more thing to add to the list but I don’t know if it is necessarily bad, but no one has seen Hanna and Beth this week yet. The teachers are starting to worry.
Written at lunch.
Monday, February 17, 1896
Dear diary,
Professor Angeline is still ill and Professor Sherwood has grown more terrible, if that is even possible. We have to sit there like boards all class. The work we have to do is stuff we have never even learn or seen. I have never thought I could dread going to English class, but Sherwood has accomplished that.
Written before bed.
Wednesday, February 19, 1896
Dear diary,
The school has now sent out search parties for Hanna and Beth, nobody has had any trace of them. They have now contacted the police. There have been many questions asked and so far it seems that Orchid, Echium and I were the last ones to have seen them. Speaking of Orchid and Echium it is our birthday on Saturday next week. I then can date Aster.
Written at lunch.
Monday, February 24, 1896
Dear diary,
Hanna and Beth have not shown up yet, Angeline is still very ill and getting worse. Orchid, Echium and I have been outside a lot the trees are budding, I think we will visit the giant oak tree on our birthday which is on Saturday.
Written before bed.
Friday, February 28, 1896
Dear diary,
Hanna and Beth have not return, Angeline is still getting sicker, and I decided to date Aster two days too early. Yes Aster and I went on a date yesterday, and it was wonderful and it was only two days early so I didn’t care. We went on a walk after classes and it was so very beautiful. All the trees were in bud. I made sure we didn’t go to the giant tree, so I can see it tomorrow with Orchid and Echium. We decided to make it a picnic too, so we can stay out there all day. I can’t wait to turn four (again). I will be taking my diary with me tomorrow to the big tree to draw a picture of it, hopefully with leaves.
Written right after classes.
Friday, February 28, 1896
Dear diary again,
I asked Orchid and Echium if Aster could come on the walk/picnic and they said yes. I was so happy I had to write it done here. I probably should go to bed it is about eleven and we are getting up at about six.
Written about eleven p.m.
Saturday, February 29, 1896
Dear diary,
It’s really early no one else is awake. The sky looks clear and it is still very dark out so we have four lanterns. We told a teacher yesterday, where we were going so we could leave without waiting. The school cooks were also very nice when we asked them to make a lunch for us and having a breakfast ready for us early in the morning. I will also be writing later when we get to the tree. For now I rest my ink and quill and will write in about half an hour to an hour.

We’re at the tree now and it has so many gorgeous fresh green leaves, it looks even more magnificent than I thought it would. Wow that was a lot of description in that last sentence. I will draw the picture when it is fully bright which should be in about a half hour.
Right next the sun is right behind the tree it is so beautiful I will draw it now iI think.
Today so far has been so fun, it is just lunch though we still have about four hours of being out here before we have to hike back.

The most amazing thing just happened we were running around the tree, when we touched it in a certain spot it became a door. We walked into it and came out of it into this meadow. The meadow had flowers,trees and things I have never seen before.
When we got through Aster didn't seem at all amazed by it, he seemed to know this place, I feel so at home here in this place I wish I could just stay in this meadow, but Aster seemed to know where we were going so he was leading us through this path when a sign came into view and it said straight to Londres, left to , right to. , and back to the portal to the mortal world. We were in a totally different dimension but what was the dimension called was what I was wondering, when I remembered where Aster said he was from he lived in Londres. This is where Aster is from.

So, writing from a diary format is probably one of the hardest things I have ever attempted to do. It can either really work (the Dork Diaries, Diary of a Whimpy Kid) or not. You really have to find a good balance with this style.

Your story is great, but you do a lot of telling vs. showing

I think a lot of it comes from this diary direction, because you do a lot of "telling" when you write in a diary. Illustrations can help, but you still need descriptives. I'm not saying you need paragraphs of descriptives, but it's up to you to find the right balance for your story. Show us how Poppy feels, how she reacts to other characters, how her mind works.

Good example of descriptives:

"Most people go home but I help Professor Angeline mostly just to avoid Hanna and Beth who only go home for a week"


My second tip is more grammatical. Avoid past tense like the black plague.

Again, diaries use past tense a lot, but make sure you are using it wisely. If you avoid words like "has", "have", and "was" your story will flow easier and be stronger.

Original Sentence:
"I have also been bullied by two girls named Hanna and Beth they are twin sisters who I think are just jealous, but they only do it when teachers aren’t looking."

Take out past tense:
"The jealous twins, Hanna and Beth, bully me when the teacher isn't looking."

Then you can have Poppy expand on WHY she thinks they're jealous.

Also, as a side note, make sure things don't become too predictable, stir it up.

**

That said, I think your story is progressing along nicely, I'm interested to see where you'll take it. :)

Lizzy wrote: "I love it! Pretty awesome. I love stories written as a diary and in POV's. I do it too but mostly the POV's. I have a few diary written Stories if you check out The Damon Dairies as well as The Kat..."

Thanks

The Intrepid Fox wrote: "So, writing from a diary format is probably one of the hardest things I have ever attempted to do. It can either really work (the Dork Diaries, Diary of a Whimpy Kid) or not. You really have to fin..."

Thanks for all those tips they are really good.