The Humour Club discussion

WARNING: The faint-hearted should leave now, or at least wait until Halloween.


"Come to the dark side, Luke."


A) I've noticed that quite a few of our members describe their sense of humor as dark, macabre, black or gallows humor, etc.

B) I also recently viewed a charming little cartoon entitled, How Will You Die?

By combining the two above thoughts, it occurred to me that it was about time that we give our dark side a bit of free rein. So, I propose that we consider the comedic aspects of our inevitable demise.

Let's face facts: We all have unrealistic views of death.

Naturally, we all want to go quietly in our sleep, surrounded by loving family and friends. (Extremely rare.) No one pictures themselves having a massive stroke while straining on the toilet. (Bet that makes you want to eat those prunes.) However, the latter is far more likely.

So, let's ignore the fear, embrace the dark side and lighten up about death.

RULES:
1. This is NOT, NOT, NOT a gross out contest. If your entry is merely disgusting, repellent, repulsive, abhorrent, loathsome, foul, nasty, sickening, nauseating, stomach-churning, yucky, icky, or skeevy, please post it elsewhere.
2. If your entry provokes a smile because it is novel, clever, new, original, unusual, unconventional, unorthodox, different, fresh, imaginative, avant-garde, revolutionary, unique, singular, unprecedented, strange, exotic, newfangled, or even a little experimental, well then, we appreciate you sharing.
3. Wake, funeral and burial stories are also acceptable, as in: I should like to be buried beneath the US Capitol Building so I can make the Guinness Book for being buried in the most BS.
4. ABSOLUTELY NO PERSONAL HISTORIES! If you are already dead, you are disqualified.

A FEW EXAMPLES:

• INAPPROPRIATE: -omitted- -censored- -erased- -redacted- and then the pathologist threw up.

• APPROPRIATE: I came to New York to make a splash, so a swan dive off the observation deck of the Empire State Building into an overturned lawn mower likely fits the bill.

And of course, no one knows the future with any certainty, so you can list as many possibilities as you like. So, step up, one and all, and tell us:

HOW WILL YOU DIE?

I'll start off with:

At my wake, I would like to be sitting up, holding in my outstretched hand my very last signed check, when all my ex-wives hear the crack of a starter's pistol.

I'll probably have a heart attack while writiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Joel wrote: "I'll probably have a heart attack while writiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

LOL!

Eventually.

My favorite subject. In my latest novel, Death and Dawn, the main character is obsessed with bizarre death trivia.

My own death will be determined by the winner of the roller derby going on inside my body.

If I do not die laughing, there is no God.

Dickie wrote: "If I do not die laughing, there is no God."

Reminds me of one of the funniest bits ever recorded:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsooU...

I love Rowan Atkinson! The best was seeing his stand up for the first time after watching Mr. Bean for years and not hearing his voice at all.

Thanks for reminding me of this !!

Joel wrote: "I'll probably have a heart attack while writiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

Not a bad way to go Joel.

I'll probably go for the euthanasia option when things really start going downhill. There's this place called Dignitas in Switzerland. You've probably heard of it.

As for interment options, my preference would be a mausoleum.

Jay wrote: "WARNING: The faint-hearted should leave now, or at least wait until Halloween.



"Come to the dark side, Luke."





A) I've notice that quite a few of our members describe their sense of humor as..."

Jay wrote: "WARNING: The faint-hearted should leave now, or at least wait until Halloween.



"Come to the dark side, Luke."



A) I've notice that quite a few of our members describe their sense of humor as..."

That sounds like a plan Jay. Any predictions as to which ex wife will get to the cheque first?

Guy wrote: "I'll probably go for the euthanasia option when things really start going downhill. There's this place called Dignitas in Switzerland. You've probably heard of it.

As for interment options, my pr..."

Suicide tourism is big in Switzerland. It started out for the terminally ill but has expanded.

There is a company in the US who will send someone to your home and set you up with a helium tank. After they leave they call 911 from a burner phone so you don't stink up your house.

There are chat rooms for people who fail at suicide and are looking for tips on how to pull it off. Evidently there are a lot of suicide kits for sale that don't work. That is just mean.

You're evidently an expert on the subject Brena.

I was fascinated to hear about the company in the US who will send someone to your home and set you up with a helium tank.

Guy wrote: "I'll probably go for the euthanasia option when things really start going downhill. There's this place called Dignitas in Switzerland. You've probably heard of it. "

I always liked the scene in Soylent Green where the old man goes to the government euthanasia clinic, and gets to watch a sort of IMAX film featuring beautiful forests and wildlife before he is "put to sleep."

I choose firing squad; it needs to be comprised of five incredibly good-looking bearded men. No blindfold, please.

Then of course, there's that scene in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life where the guy sentenced to death gets to choose the manner of his own execution. You all know it.

Melki wrote: "I choose firing squad; it needs to be comprised of five naked incredibly good-looking bearded men. No blindfold, please."

There. Fixed it for you.

There's the old banker guy in Mary Poppins who dies laughing. That seems pretty good.

Realistically, unless a) we move out of the earthquake zone and/or b) I get my literal TPR pile under control, I will die under a heap of books during an earthquake.

Rebecca wrote: "Melki wrote: "I choose firing squad; it needs to be comprised of five naked incredibly good-looking bearded men. No blindfold, please."

Well, that may work for Rebecca and Melki, but if I were the aim of five naked incredibly good-looking bearded ARMED men...OH MY!

Let's just say that I would sincerely be hoping beyond hope that their intent was just to shoot me.

Guy wrote: "You're evidently an expert on the subject Brena.

I was fascinated to hear about the company in the US who will send someone to your home and set you up with a helium tank."

Ahhhh To be an expert on anything would be lovely. Someone threw out that number that you have to put 10,000 hours into something to really be good at it. I think I may be an expert on Netflix.

I did a lot of research on bizarre death stuff for my last book and barely scratched the surface. I now know what to do if I am buried alive and to go easy if ever in a cockroach eating contest.

This is assuming I'm going to die.

Em wrote: "This is assuming I'm going to die."

Ah, yes, the "Viable Alternative Theory"...usually accompanied by cries of, "Bartender, another round!"

Personally, I've decided to keep an open mind and will consider anything as long as they don't take the fun out of it.

Jay wrote: "Personally, I've decided to keep an open mind and will consider anything as long as they don't take the fun out of it."

If there's a 7 - 10 split, do they execute someone else?

Brena wrote: "Guy wrote: "You're evidently an expert on the subject Brena.

I was fascinated to hear about the company in the US who will send someone to your home and set you up with a helium tank."

Ahhhh To b..."

Brena wrote: "Guy wrote: "You're evidently an expert on the subject Brena.

I was fascinated to hear about the company in the US who will send someone to your home and set you up with a helium tank."

Ahhhh To b..."

Brena wrote: "Guy wrote: "You're evidently an expert on the subject Brena.

I was fascinated to hear about the company in the US who will send someone to your home and set you up with a helium tank."

Ahhhh To b..."

Pleased to hear that I'm not the only Netflix expert out there Brena, I was beginning to feel lonely. I like dark humour. My second novel is a work of dark humour. I will check out your book. Bizarre deaths never cease to fascinate me.

Jay wrote: "Personally, I've decided to keep an open mind and will consider anything as long as they don't take the fun out of it.


"

A guillotine skittle slide, now that's tempting Jay. I wonder if it's something the euthanasia clinic could lay on.

Guy wrote: "A guillotine skittle slide, now that's tempting Jay. I wonder if it's something the euthanasia clinic could lay on."

I suppose it's possible, although most of those clinics rely on various lethal cocktails...rather strange in itself. I've read quite a few bartender guides, but none which list a cyanide mojito.

Jay wrote: "Guy wrote: "A guillotine skittle slide, now that's tempting Jay. I wonder if it's something the euthanasia clinic could lay on."

I suppose it's possible, although most of those clinics rely on var..."

Perhaps the Dignitas bar serves cyanide mojitos.

I wrote this post some time back, which I thought might be of interest as it's related to the thread.

10 Bizarre Author Deaths — http://guyportman.com/2015/09/25/10-b...

Some of them are truly bizarre. Not sure which I would choose? You?

Guy wrote: "I wrote this post some time back, which I thought might be of interest as it's related to the thread.

10 Bizarre Author Deaths — http://guyportman.com/2015/09/25/10-b...

Some of..."
I want to be hit by an airplane while sailing. I will probably die like Tennessee Williams.

Thomas Merton died in Thailand. He stepped out of the shower and knocked over a fan. It electrocuted him and the blades tore up his chest.

I had a bad reaction to a scorpion sting, and in the ambulance I felt very calm. I thought, "So this is it. It is anti-climatic, but probably the best I could hope for."

Brena wrote: "Guy wrote: "I wrote this post some time back, which I thought might be of interest as it's related to the thread.

10 Bizarre Author Deaths — http://guyportman.com/2015/09/25/10-b......"

If I'd gotten nailed by a scorpion and lived through it, I would have been unable to resist saying something like, "Sting! Where is thy death?" I blame a liberal arts education.

Brena wrote: "Guy wrote: "I wrote this post some time back, which I thought might be of interest as it's related to the thread.

10 Bizarre Author Deaths — http://guyportman.com/2015/09/25/10-b......"

Being hit by an airplane while sailing doesn't sound too bad does it. Your reaction to the scorpion bite could have been worse Brena, after all you are still with us.

What a grisly end for Thomas Merton.

Then, there's always 'Survival of the Fittest' vs. 'The Noble Sacrifice.'
Decisions, decisions...

No, this one's not from Brides magazine.

Melki wrote: "Jay wrote: "Personally, I've decided to keep an open mind and will consider anything as long as they don't take the fun out of it."

If there's a 7 - 10 split, do they execute someone else?"

It's a double execution as, clearly in this case, two heads are better than one.

Let's just say, it's not always flattering to be the guest of honor.

We should all speak REASONABLY well of the dead.

The Great Outdoors is no longer dangerous.

Best guess: Married at least a year.

Lady Catfood wrote: "Not sure if anyone posted this before, but there is actually this: http://flowingdata.com/2016/01/19/how... Funny? No? OK, I'll leave."

No need to leave. A lot of Humour Club members, myself included, will probably end up as statistics.

There's always next year.

Good news for people looking to shuffle off this mortal coil...death is making a comeback!

U.S. life expectancy declines for the first time since 1993
In all, death rates rose for eight of the top 10 leading causes of death.

It appears heart disease--#1 cause--is making a comeback, which means that once again the American diet is leaning heavily on fat and sugar, our two favorite food groups. Then, there is our dependence on Netflix as a substitute for exercise. That is, fat, sugar and movies--the couch potato trifecta--is gaining some ground here. If we keep this trend going, not only will we avoid the incredible suffering of having to watch Millennials take power and screw up as badly as we did, but there's even the possibility of decreasing numbers saving the Social Security Trust Fund from bankruptcy!

I tell you, we're getting it right this time, folks!

Jay wrote: "Good news for people looking to shuffle off this mortal coil...death is making a comeback!


U.S. life expectancy declines for the first time since 1993

In all, death rates rose for eight of the..."
This is good. The only reason it was up for awhile was so many people were living machine dependent lives. A prolonged power outage would help. Euthanasia could clean up the stragglers.

Don't piss on Netflix. Without it what would I talk about in my Christmas newsletter?

Euthanasia is how I plan to bow out, but now Jay has me worried about Netflix and sugar induced heart disease.

Guy wrote: "Euthanasia is how I plan to bow out, but now Jay has me worried about Netflix and sugar induced heart disease."

A life without sugar is a life half lived. Don't worry about Netflix. It is great for relieving stress which is the number one killer.

Naturally, what to prepare for the holiday feast is on everyone's mind at this time of year.

epitaphs:

Jeremy Paxman (BBC TV 'personality') has a piece in the FT which includes:

"I should have liked to be present when a family unveiled a memorial conveying their expectation of their father's 'blessed immorality'; the careless stonemason had likely escaped to the pub by then."
...
"a pious woman of whom it was said that 'she lived with her husband 50 years and died in the confident hope of a better life' "

Merry Christmas to all...

Brena wrote: "... Don't worry about Netflix. It..."

What's Netflix??

OK, I'm in the same sphere as the judge who asked "What is The Beatles?" I have never felt any need to join facebook, twitter, instagram, linkedin or grindr....

My tombstone was going to read, "She should have watched more television." Now it will read, "She should have watched more Netflix."

Martin, do you live on the North Pole?

Never say never. You may become a twitter junkie. Many people resist social media, but it is futile.

Martin wrote: "a pious woman of whom it was said that 'she lived with her husband 50 years and died in the confident hope of a better life'..."

That's a great one!