Young Beginner Writers (closed) discussion

Chapter 1


Scarlett Armitage felt something sharp touch her shoulder. She turned around and saw an irritated woman, tapping her foot impatiently.
"Hey kid! You plan on ordering any time soon?" The woman said, giving Scarlett a scathing look.
What was it with old ladies being so. . . cranky? It was a good question to ask but one the lady probably couldn't answer.
Scarlett moved over to the cashier and asked, "May I please have an iced Caramel Tree and two Lemon Delights."
"Ma'am, yes, ma'am." A sarcastic voice called from the coffee grinders. It was Faden.
They had known each other since middle school and he was the one who had helped her get through it. With his dark brown hair and bright blue eyes, he was quite popular with the girls. So when girls from school saw him with Scarlett most of the time, there would be glares coming from across the hall but Faden would just laugh it off.
She still couldn't wrap her head around the fact that Faden, one of the most popular boys, made her life easier during school.
Scarlett smiled shyly. "Hi Faden."
Faden placed a hand on the cashier's shoulder. "I got this. See if my father has anything useful for you to do besides gawking at the ceiling."
As the owner's son, Faden ususally gave out orders like his father. It was helpful for Mr. Veek to have some additional help, until Faden went too far one day and fired three employees in a single day.
"You're not planning on firing that one either, are you?" Scarlett joked.
Faden waved her off. "Nah. He hasn't reached that far yet," He smiled brightly at her. "Now, was that a Caramel Tree and two Lemon Delights?"
"Yes."
"It comes to six twenty-three, please."
Scarlett pulled out her leather wallet and gave Faden the money.
"I'll have that out as soon as possible. What name would you like me to call on?" Faden asked, handing her the change.
"Um, Edna."
"Have a lovely day, Miss Edna." Faden winked, motioning for the next person to come forward.
Scarlett blushed. "You too."
She made her way over to the sitting area and plopped herself onto the soft armchairs. It was busy today in the coffee shop. People running in and out of the shop, the coffee grinders making a bunch of noise, and servers shouting peoples' orders.
Scarlett stared out through the windows and began to think why her mother wasn't here yet. She checked her watch for the time and sighed. Her mother should've been here by now. The Beetle didn't show up and Scarlett was beginning to worry.
Was her mother in a car crash? Did she need help? Or did the neighbors decide to have a "quick" chat? Her stomach knotted as she thought about all the worse possible situations her mother could be in.
As Scarlett looked for her mother's car, her gaze fell on a pair of icy blue eyes. Standing in the ally, was a wolf. But this one was different. Its fur was white as snow and swirly patterns snaked up its body. The wolf seemed to have somehow lit up the dark alley.
Scarlett looked away as a thought crept inside her mind. You need to come with me. Now.
The voice was pleasant and soft. Did it come from the wolf? That was impossible. No one, animal or man, could transmit thoughts. It was simply not done.
She slowly moved her head to look at the animal again. As soon as they locked eyes again, the wolf nodded and ran back into the alley.
She didn't imagine it, did she? Scarlett hoped that she wasn't beginning to go nuts. Though, with everything happening to her, she wouldn't doubt it.
A hand gently grabbed her shoulder, making her jump from her seat.
"Hey, hey. It's okay. It's me." Faden spread his arms, dangling her order in his hand.
Scarlett sighed with relief. "Thanks for getting the order done."
"No problem. You okay?" Faden asked.
"Yeah, fine. Just thought I saw something," Scarlett scanned the paper bag, making sure the order was correct. "There aren't any wolves in Idaho Falls, are there?"
Faden laughed. "That was what you thought you saw, wasn't it? To answer your question, there hasn't been wolves spotted in this area for a long time."
"Oh, thanks." Scarlett felt stupid for asking the question. Of course there weren't any. The only times you saw wolves were in the mountains.
"I better get going." Scarlett was about to walk out the door when Faden grabbed her arm.
"If you do see a wolf, run or fight. Alright?" Concern spread across his face.
She turned to face him and nodded. "Right."
"Good," He let go of her arm and the concern that was once there, disappeared. Faden gave her a warm smile. "Have a good day."
Scarlett returned the smile. "I will."
With that, she pushed the glass door open and sat on the curb, waiting for the Beetle.

If you already have a good idea what Scarlett and Faden look like, don't look at the spoiler down below.

(view spoiler)[ Okay so this is little bit after chapter one. Maybe around chp 10.

Name : Scarlett Armitage
Age : 14


Name : Faden Veek
Age : 15
(Except try to imagine his hair slicked back. :D)
(hide spoiler)]

That was great! Interesting. I liked how you included sounds and sharp images I could picture. I love sensory stories.

The only thing I could critique on is using the same [or nearly same] word twice close together.
Like towards the beginning she felt a "tap" on her shoulder and then turned to so a woman "tapping" her foot. Or when she went over to the "chairs" and sat in the "armchair."
And her reaction when she saw the wolf, or, rather, lack thereof. She didn't seem surprised or frightened or freak out.

Otherwise, it was well-done and intriguing. I could picture everything really well.

I really liked how you added little things like her leather wallet, which shows her personality. It wasn't a Mickey Mouse wallet -- it wasn't a purple paisley wallet -- it was a down-to-earth leather wallet that shows her character. I could really sense everything here, and feel the warmth of the building and the soft glow of the wolf. This is a perfect read for fall or winter and I think it really gives off a cozy feeling, like I should be reading this snuggled up in a blanket on a nice soft couch with some hot cocoa. Really good job, Lorien. I would love to read more of this.

Only thing I would change for the scene: People don't really make rude comments that directly . . . they mostly just glare or sigh or show irritation through purposeful body language. Or maybe you just have really cranky old ladies where you are. :)

@Skyril: Scarlett didn't seem as surprised as I would've been, as you said . . . to her it seems more natural. Seems like a sign to me . . .

Lorien Rhys wrote: "If you already have a good idea what Scarlett and Faden look like, don't look at the spoiler down below.

I sort of imagine her with soft, slightly wavy dark brown hair with fair skin, and big brown eyes with dark lashes. Not chubby and not skinny, just that perfect, healthy middle ground, with a nice rounded face and a small pink mouth.

Thank you so much guys for reading this chapter! I definitely get where you both are coming from : using the same/similar words twice, Scarlett not getting so freaked out over seeing a wolf (though that'll be explained later), to old ladies being not so discrete about how their feeling.
@Banks yes we do have really cranky old woman here and it's not pleasant. Especially when you're just a volunteer working for the library. - -
------
@Skyril I'll go ahead and corr ft those errors right away! Thank you!
Thank you both yet again for reading my chapter. I've been thinking of posting a chapter once a month but maybe it'll be sooner.
Thank you!!!!!!! :D

Is that what Scarlett looks like?

The spoiler? If so, yes, it is. That's how I've always imagined she looks like. The hair and everything. Well, except her frowning.

Huh. Nothing like I imagined. It's always funny to see what the reader imagines compared to the author.

I now! With some of the books I've been reading the author postures the character differently than the reader.
I didn't mess up your picture of Scarlett or Faden, did I? *cringes*

No! *laughs* I always imagine characters the way I imagine them regardless whether I've seen a picture of them or not. Now my brother on the other hand . . . I can hardly draw a fanart without him saying. "That's not the way I imagine him! Thanks a lot, you just ruined it for me."

Yay! I'm glad. : )
I've tried some fan art and it almost never works for me.
Your Lockwood and Co. fan art was amazing!

Oh. Heh heh. Thanks. It really looks SO much better in reality because when I uploaded it on Goodreads it got all washed out!!! Grrr! It doesn't look nearly as good without all the darkness!

I hate to barge into your conversation, but I have a question. Why did you call it Crystallia? Just curious.

Later on in the story it explains how Scarlett gets there. She's been having . . . odd occurrences lately.
Did that clear things up?

Lorien Rhys wrote: "Chapter 1


Scarlett Armitage felted something sharp touch her shoulder. She turned around and saw an irritated woman, tapping her foot impatiently.
"Hey kid! You plan on ordering any time soon?" ..."

Okay! That gave me chills!! I LOVED it!!!! Wowie wow wow! There were several grammatical problems, but they all looked like easy fixes. This story has me thoroughly intrigued. I love your characters and the tone of the whole thing! Wow!! Probably my favorite of your works so far!

R. E. Banks wrote: "Huh. Nothing like I imagined. It's always funny to see what the reader imagines compared to the author."

I agree. It's crazy how so many differences come up between reader and writer. But I think it just makes things more interesting! We're all unique!

That's really nice of you to say that Coralie!
What sort of grammatical errors?

Lorien Rhys wrote: "That's really nice of you to say that Coralie!
What sort of grammatical errors?"

Some sub/verb disagreement stuff I saw and then I think there may have been a typo regarding the old woman being a him at one point. I'll look back to give you specifics.

"Scarlett Armitage felted something sharp" should be "felt."

"old ladies and being so. . . cranky?" The "and" here isn't necessary. And, though, I think it's technically grammatically correct, it interrupts the continuity of the sentence.

"They knew each other since middle school" I'm pretty sure this should be "had known," but I'm not 100% sure if it isn't correct this way too. Same thing with "helped her through it;" I think it should be "had helped."

(Okay, old woman mistake was my bad. I thought she was the cashier. I misunderstood.)

"It comes to, six twenty-three please." Comma's in the wrong place: should be before "please" and not after "to."

"handing her change" I would suggest putting in another "her" or a "the" between "her" and "change."

"next person to forward." Missing/extra word: "come" or take out "to."

"It's fur was white as snow" Should be "its," no apostrophe. Possessive vs. contraction. Same with "it's body."

"There aren't any wolves in Idaho Falls, is there?" Sub/v disagreement; should be "are there?"

"there hasn't been wolf spotted for a long time." Here you could say "a wolf spotted" or "there haven't been wolves spotted." You go on to say "of course there weren't any," so I'd suggest keeping the sing/pl consistent between the conversation and her thoughts.

"saw wolves was in the mountains. " Sub/v disagreement. Should be "were."

"Concern was spread across his face." This is passive. The "was" in unnecessary. "Concern spread across his face" is clearer and avoids the passive voice.

Those were just the ones that jumped out at me. I hope this helps! There were also several issues with redundancy, as stated above by the others, and a few issues with continuity and awkward phrasing. But, overall, the story has fantastic potential. The characters are vivid, the writing style is inviting, and the plot is intriguing. The story really jumps off the page and makes me feel like I'm living it.

Looks like people really like your story, Lorien.

I'm glad. You guys certainly make it sound a lot better than it is and I appreciate that.
@Coralie : I tend to write awkward phrasing don't I? Nice to know that there are lots of things I should work on. Thank you.

Lorien Rhys wrote: "I'm glad. You guys certainly make it sound a lot better than it is and I appreciate that.
@Coralie : I tend to write awkward phrasing don't I? Nice to know that there are lots of things I should wo..."

Everyone does! :) Especially on early drafts. It's all about getting ideas down, not so much fine-tuning. That comes later.

Chapter 2



Her mother eventually picked her up from the cafè in the black Volkswagen bug. It was the classic style in the seventies and that was how her mother liked it.
They were now on their way home, munching and sipping on the goodies Scarlett had bought.
"Are you okay honey?" Her mother asked, flickering a concern look while keeping her eyes on the road.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" Scarlett replied.
"You seem awfully quiet," Her mother then smiled. "It has nothing to do with Mr. Veek's son that is keeping you silent, is it?"
"No, mom!" Scarlett scowled while blushing. "It's not."
"Then what is it? Remember, mothers always know when their children are upset or going through something."
"I'm not going through anything!" Scarlett stared out the window. "I'm just . . . processing some information."
"What could that information be?" Her mother prompted.
Should Scarlett tell her mother what happened at the cafè? Would she believe her? It was killing her to know her mother's reaction so it was probably best she should just let it all flow out.
"I saw a wolf, in an alley but the shop," Scarlett said quietly.
"A wolf?"
"Yeah. It had these weird swirl marks around it's body," Scarlett shivered at the memory. "And it had icy blue eyes. I didn't know a wolf's eyes could be that light."
Her mother tighten her grip on the steering wheel. "They usually aren't."
Did Scarlett say something wrong? Sure, she said that she had come across a dangerous animal but that couldn't be it.
"Everything okay?" Scarlett asked.
"No, everything is not okay! Why didn't you tell anyone? You could've been hurt!"
"I don't know," Scarlett mumbled. "I guess I didn't think about it at the time."
Her mother stole a quick glance at her. "At least you're safe. That thing could've hurt you. Especially if it had those patterns you mentioned."
"Why?" Scarlett blurted out.
"Just stay away from it," Her mother said, ending the conversation.
She knew wolves can be dangerous but the wolf she saw today seemed to have intelligence in those icy eyes. Old and ancient when she really thought of it.
Faden acted just as weird almost like her mother was acting now. But they were just concerned, weren't they? Was something going on that Scarlett didn't know about?

I know it's incredibly short today but next month's will definitely be much longer.
I can't wait to hear what you guys think! :D

Bum bum buuummm! And the plot thickens!!! My verbal reaction (while at work, of course): "Ooowah!" Definitely excited to see what those two are hiding! So glad to see your progress, even if it's just a little. Little bits add up!!

Still caught a few tense issues, but they looked simple and just like oversights. :-) Overall, great job!

Thanks Coralie! As soon as I'm done with school I'll (hopefully) fix those tense problems. Thanks!

So . . . just a quick question . . . the mother thinks that she could have been hurt even though she was inside the shop and the wolf was outside?

*nods* Yup. Scarlett's mother is just worried that she could've been hurt. Even though the wolf was no where near her.

Scarlett doesn't say, "Mom! I was in the shop!' or a variant of that?

Nope. Not at all.

R. E. Banks wrote: "Scarlett doesn't say, "Mom! I was in the shop!' or a variant of that?"

Ineresting point. Hmm...Well, I guess a wolf would have the potential to be dangerous in or out. He could always have gone in. Still, that would seem to be the normal reaction.

Chp 3
This working on it. : )
(view spoiler)[

Scarlett ran up to her room as soon as they arrived home. Her mother ate the goodies she bought at the coffee shop and insisted that Scarlett enjoy the rest in her room.
Well she did enjoy them, most definitely. The lemon cake slice was tangy and reminded her of the lemon cake she ate on her thirteenth birthday.
Speaking of birthdays, wasn't hers coming up? She scanned the days on her calendar by the desk and sure enough, her birthday was very soon. Two days to be exact. But what Scarlett couldn't figure out was how she didn't even think about it. That bugged her more than she wanted to admit.
She shrugged it off and went back munching on the treats while sitting in her silver chair near a sleek, black desk and occasionally sneaking a glance outside her yard that was filled with the pines and evergreens.
Scarlett didn't know why she felt so. . . jumpy, if that was the word for it. Maybe it was because of her encounter with the wolf-like thing earlier that day or maybe it was the conversation she had with her mother. Whatever it was, Scarlett wanted to know and soon. Maybe she should ask her mother about it. . . no. Her mother made it perfectly clear she never wanted to have that discussion again.
Scarlett sighed and tapped a pencil on the desk. What to do, what to do. (hide spoiler)]

It's coming along for sure! I've been trying to work on the mermaid story too. I posted it, if you wanna check it out. I'm not exactly stuck, but making slow progress. So, I'm right there with ya! XD

Yes, yes. So I did go ahead by a few chapters but because I had no idea what to write after the first chapter.
Enjoy!

Chp 5
She was about to head home when a calm, soothing voice stopped her, "If you plan on keeping your secret safe, you better come with me."
Scarlett ran. She had to get away and fast. How could she be so stupid? Of course someone saw her lift a streak of water above her head! She ran as far as her legs could carry her and came to a sudden halt, wanting to check and see if that voice was behind her.
"Hello there," the calm voice said again.
Scarlett looked slightly down and saw the same white wolf this morning. She couldn't help but scream a little and sprinted off in the direction of the house. She could see the back winks streaming with light. . . and tripped.
The creature looked over her and said, "Are you looking for a different way to view the world?"-Scarlett moaned- "Didn't think so."
Scarlett moved her head back a little and saw that the wolf's icy blue eyes were giving her a pleading look.
Scarlett rolled off her back and sat on the soft dirt. She was about to speak but the wolf placed a paw on her lap as if telling her not to say anything.
"Whatever you do, don't speak at all. Your mother's spies could be listening for you and I really don't want to get caught," the wolf said, eyeing the forest warily.
Scarlett couldn't help but stare. The creature's coat danced with swirly patterns of all sorts, each seeming to be stained a faded blue.
"Let's get a few things straight, my name is Corra before you say "wolf" or "the creature" again."
"You-"
"Quiet," Corra hissed, scanning the area. Her ears twitched and moved forward at a bush which rustled. Only to have the wolf calm herself by seeing a cute little bunny hopping along. "Alright, go ahead."
"You. . . how did you know. . ." Scarlett couldn't finish her sentence. What she was proposing was impossible! No one could read minds it just wasn't possible!
"How did I know what you were thinking?" Corra finished, giving Scarlett a wolfish smile which wasn't at all hard for the wolf to do.
"Well, yes. And you're talking! A talking wolf!" Scarlett exclaimed.
"Obviously," Corra said, giving an eye roll at the girl. "But that is a conversation for another time. But right now, we have to go."
"Why?" Scarlett blurted out. She wasn't about to go anywhere with a wolf, much less a talking one!
"Did you wonder where you came from or how you received your powers?" Corra asked.
The thought did come across her mind once or twice. She wanted to know how and why so maybe Corra could provide those answers. . .
"Thought so. I can show you, Scarlett. But you better make up your mind."
The offer was tempting but was she really going to believe all this nonsesnse just because an animal told her so? Scarlett would be crazy to believe such things, wouldn't she,
"If I let you hear my thoughts, would you trust me?"
"I don't know. I just don't to worry my mother," Scarlett said, biting her lip and thinking how worried her mother would be. And father would be home soon too.
"Believe me, she wouldn't miss you for a if she had the time. Now, if you want to hear my thoughts, close your eyes and listen. Follow a path of familiarity and then you'll locate my thoughts."
Scarlett did as she was told and listened for the thoughts that may have sounded like Corra's. She heard the noisy thoughts of a woodpecker and the quick thoughts of a fox.
Finally, she had found the path Corra spoke of and followed the warm path. Scarlett felt like her mind was being stretched and merged into jelly.
Corra must've realized what was happening because she gave out a help and took heavy breaths of air.
"Was that normal?" Scarlett asked, wondering if she did something wrong.
"No, definitely not. Can you hear anything?" Corra asked, her face filled with worry if that was possible for a wolf.
I can hear your voice, Scarlett thought to herself, snorting in her head.
But Scarlett closed her eyes again and felt a little tingle in the back of her head. Her mind found the warm path again and this time, was greeted with Corra's precise thoughts and calculations.
You should congratulate yourself, no one has been able to get past my barrier in a while, Corra thought, filling the air.
Scarlett continued following the trail and came across what she presumed to be bushes and tried whacking them away. She pulled out her knife and slashed at the bushes, determined to progress towards the path. As soon as she managed to cut off a single branch, images and thoughts came rushing towards her.
". . . can't tell her."
"You have a job to do. . ."
". . . exiled."
Each thought felt like listening to the radio whenever the connection was poor and you could barely hear the voices coming from the speakers.
Scarlett covered her ears and curled in a tiny ball on the floor, wishing the thoughts would just stop.
An invisible hand pulled Scarlett out of Corra's mind and she snapped her eye open in the real world.
"Easy, easy," Corra soothed. "It's alright."
Scarlett felt like vomiting and was very dizzy. She laid down on her back and stared straight up at the shading leaves. What had happened to her? She was fine before those thoughts came straight for her. And what were they talking about exile and not letting someone know. . .
Corra rubbed her nose against Scarlett's hand and the awful way she was feeling subdued.
"What did you do?" Scarlett asked, rubbing her head.
"I just cleared your head, nothing special," said Corra.
"Well, thanks," Scarlett mumbled, not sure which surprised her more, the fact that Corra healed her with a nose or that Scarlett was having a full conversation with a wolf!
"Have you made your decision yet?" Corra asked, her tail swishing back and forth and seeming to be somewhat impatient.
Her decision. One that could answer all her questions.
She stared once again into those icy blue eyes. Corra could show Scarlett who she really was and she wouldn't have to feel like such an outsider.
"Yes." Her answer surprised even herself. But she felt that it was the right reply

YAY! I love this storyline! I can't wait to see more. I like this development. Obviously I'm missing a little because you said you jumped ahead a little. I LOVE the wolf!!