Young Beginner Writers (closed) discussion

Awesome. It's not really my thing, though.

Oh! I didn't get to finish!! :-/

Okay, so a little feedback on what I did read, even though I was hoping you'd repost...=-(

I noticed a few inconsistencies and one grammatical issue. I really liked the plotline. The prologue, while intriguing, was a little...dark/graphic...for my personal taste, but I get why you wrote it the way you did. It was a good setup. I was a little confused about where the mom ended up, but...maybe that'll be relevant later?

The grammatical error was in the prologue, very very beginning, I think. Something about "the woods goes silent." Sub/V disagreement there. Should be "woods go" or "wood goes."

The biggest inconsistency I noticed was the irregularity of your verb tense. You wrote both in present and past tenses, sometimes back to back. It was weird and a little difficult to read with the constantly changing tenses. What I mean is, one sent. would say "MC waits for the strike. An anger arises." etc. then, the next would say, "She asked. She heard footsteps." etc.

A few smaller ones, there was something about Beth riding out to a town. It seemed like she was leaving in the dead of night one minute, but then I thought I saw something that said the sun was shining down on her back, then it was nightlife, and I wasn't sure what was going on. Also, I was a little concerned that she'd visited the town before, several times it sounded like, but that she was shocked by the sight of the ocean? Would she not have seen it before? Maybe not by night, but it sounded like she'd never seen the ocean period.

Oh, also, the pacing was just fine until one little bit that kind of threw me. I thought it was weird how quickly the MC adjusted/came to the conclusion of her having black magic and asking what she was. It seemed...not as realisitc...way too fast. I would have imagined more confusion on her part and then the questions, or just...I don't know, it seemed so immediate. Other than that, both before and after, the pacing was perfect, in my opinion.

Overall, I was really intrigued by the story and I hope you continue with it. I would love to read more, if you ever feel like sharing more of it in the future. :-) You write well and you obviously have the culture thoroughly thought out and the world-building thing figured out. I loved how you wove in the particular language. And I liked the little details you kept using, like the iron shackles and the embroidered hem of the white cloak.

Well, I hope some of this helps and I really hope you share more soon!

Thank you! I had another person point out the past tense and present tense to me also! It's something I have always had difficulty with because I don't think about it that much while I am writing. I am planning on fixing that and working on it in the future! In Beth's POV there is a flashback! In the present it is day time and in her flashback it is night! I am currently working on making my flashback transitions more clear! And the reason she was surprised by the ocean is because had never been to the docks before because in her life at that moment she'd never had a reason to! (Note: Her seeing the ocean for the first time was part of the flashback) As for Gwendolyn's swift conclusion to her black magic I will keep this advice in mind during editing! And thank you so much! I am really devoted to this story, and tried to flesh the world out before writing! Thank you for all the advice!!!

Danielle wrote: "Thank you! I had another person point out the past tense and present tense to me also! It's something I have always had difficulty with because I don't think about it that much while I am writing. ..."

No problem! Thank you for sharing your story! And I could definitely tell the world was thoroughly thought out. You did a phenomenal job with it!