Young Beginner Writers (closed) discussion

Hey, so I've been working on this idea for a while and I just came up with a prologue. I'd LOVE to hear what you guys think!! I'm still not sure about a few things:

Once, long…long ago, there was a great king. He had many daughters, and the youngest was named Ariel. She had beautiful red hair and eyes like the sea, but her true beauty lie in her voice. No one could match her in song, and she delighted in singing gaily everywhere she went. It was said that her voice could even heal the sick and mend the broken. She enraptured her audiences with her joy and her passion.

One stormy night, they say she fell in love with a man. So deep was her yearning for him that a witch tricked her into trading her enchanting voice for a chance to win his heart. But when the man married another, Ariel’s grief was more powerful than the magic of that old witch. Her voice returned in full force, but she never again sang a merry tune. No, for now she knew only sorrow and pain. Instead, she haunted the seas, pouring her broken heart into the waves. And that is how the first siren was born.

I hope it's okay I comment here. :D
Wow. The first siren, huh? It's wonderful so far. Will you be writing more into this story?

Yes, I've been working on the idea for this story since the summer and I think I'm finally gearing up to actually write some of it. I've been doing research and I have the characters all planned out and even new creatures and everything. My biggest problem is that I have a general plot, but I'm not sure how to start it. I would love any help you guys are willing to offer!

And, thank you for checking this out!!

Hmmm. So having trouble with why the story should even be written?

Okay, so here are my two MCs so far:

Mirabella: a young mermaid with silvery, ice blue eyes and a tail to match. Light blue shimeryness! Long light brown hair. 17-21ish.

Her best friend is Sabina: Sapphire blue tail, gray/stormy eyes, long blonde curls, and about the same age.

Lorien Rhys wrote: "Hmmm. So having trouble with why the story should even be written?"

Well...I don't think it's so much why as how. I don't know the little detials of the plot yet. I've got a setting, a better-built world than I've ever had before, characters that are living and breathing in my mind, but no way to begin. I've always had a plot before anything else. So, I feel kind of stuck. Plot so far is just: quest. General, broad...I know I want her parents to send her away because they recognize signs of something bad, but she doesn't understand why. So she is sent with the very specific instructions to find her long lost aunt, whom she never knew existed. So she and Sabina have to quest across the sea to find her aunt...for some reason...

Ooooo. Maybe their long-lost aunt knows about how Ariel loved the man and wants to bring them back together? Maybe the parents know about it too and have realized how Ariel is so depressed so they want her to find some other guy.

Eh, Ariel was more of an etiology, an explanation, for how sirens came to be. I do want her character to appear, but she's not central to the plot at all, at least she hasn't been up to this point...hmm...She's more of a nod to the old tale, and her story happened ages ago. She's legendary and almost folkloric at this point.

Hmmm. Are you thinking of having a main main character? Maybe it could be a teenage human boy ? He sees Ariel and wants to know where she's going. Maybe he sees her every once in a while close to his house by the shore?

I guess I'm getting more of a political entanglement vibe or a governmental structure issue or...I don't know. Something to do with the culture of the mermaids. No humans, at least for now. I want to focus on the sea creatures. Speaking of, there are a few new ones:

Sea sprites live in the crests of the waves and they weave cloth from the foam and other articles that are brought to them from down under. They barter. Not really important creatures at this point, but part of the world.
Myrens are the mythical offspring of sirens and mermaids, though no one believes they actually exist. These are the creatures that I want at the heart of the story. These creatures have the form of mermaids, but just a trace of the magic of the sirens, though not always in the form of their voices.
Sirens--not new, but still important. Some are evil and some are not, but they are so dangerous that all other creatures are weary of them. They have the shape of beautiful human women, and compelling voices. They do have the power to control what they choose to do with their voices.
Mermaids--again, not new, but the central figures of the story. These are like the typical humans of most stories, but they live under the water. No magic, variety of personalities, and just as versatile as the typical character.

Does that help any?

Mirabella is my main character and Sabina is her "sidekick" of sorts.

Sidekick? That's funny.
Hmmm. So more so political and government wise? Maybe they want to see the aunt because if they don't, she could declare war on the two kingdoms (maybe she's the queen?). But then she as long-lost so that wouldn't really make sense. . .

The aunt was banished long ago because she's a myren. Hmm, but I like the idea of two kingdoms. The girls don't know why they've been sent away, but the parents do and the aunt will know when they get there. You're getting warmer!

And Mirabella's family moved to this little village when she was very young, or possibly before she was born, so her family isn't...from here, I guess? But this is all Mirabella knows. I want the culture to be sort of medieval.

Okay, so I've been doing a little writing and I have a few scenes. I'd love to know what anyone thinks. I'm kind of struggling with this story so far...

“The tumultuous waves roared in the storm, spinning and twisting into a whirlwind that rose higher and higher. And theenn…” her stormy gray eyes sparkled at the tiny faces gazing up at her. She clasped her hands together and leaned forward, savoring the tension in the air. Slowly, she took a deliberate breath before continuing, “Indira appeared.”

The cavern filled with gasps and squeals as the youngest of the merchildren hid their faces and the oldest strove to hide their excitement. Sabina sighed, sitting up, “Well, that’s all for this week.”

“Aww!”

“What?”

“No!” Cries of disappointment echoed off the walls around them.

“Just a little more!” voices pleaded, crowding around her rock stool.

Sabina shook her head sternly, but smiled, “No, little ones. Come now, it’s time to go.” She herded the merchildren out to their waiting parents, waving goodbye and blowing kisses. One small girl swam back to give her a quick hug before following her mother home. The late afternoon sunlight filtered through the waters, refracting off of Sabina’s elegant, sapphire blue tail as she swam over to the entrance of the cave.

Her best friend, Mirabella, chuckled as the pretty blonde sauntered over, “You are so dramatic.”

Sabina shrugged, “That’s why they like it so much.”

Mirabella shook her head as the two made their way to the center of their small village. “It’s more than that,” she said, combing a strand of her light brown hair back with her fingers, “You’re an amazing storyteller.”

Sabina rolled her eyes, pausing to browse through a cart of hanging sea silk handkerchiefs. She shrugged again. Her mother had told her stories since she was very young. It was only natural for her to continue the tradition.

“Hey,” Mirabella’s icy-blue eyes glinted in the dying light, “Mother wanted me to ask you if you wanted to come over for dinner the day after tomorrow, you and your family, of course.”

Sabina nodded, “I’ll speak to them, but I don’t think we have anything planned.” The girls came to Sabina’s cave and embraced before parting. “See you tomorrow, Mira!”

Mirabella waved as she watched Sabina go. Sabina was a good friend, and Mira was thankful to have her. Finally, she drifted through the water until she came to her own home near the outskirts of the village. The sun’s distant rays were long gone as she floated through the sea silk curtain that created their front door. Yawning, she swam through the kitchen and past her parents’ room. She smiled at the glow worms that clung to their ceiling and slipped into her washroom. After scrubbing down the silvery, ice-blue scales on her tail and running a comb through her long hair, she swam to her bed and fell quickly to sleep.

***

“Mirabella, sweetheart,” a voice filled her dreams, “It’s time to wake up.” A gentle hand shook the mermaid awake, “You promised to go to the market today.”

Mirabella stretched her arms far above her head, blinking sleepily until her mother’s face came into focus. She smiled down at her daughter before planting a kiss on her cheek and scurrying about the small bedroom, tidying up as she went. Sitting up, Mirabella covered her yawn with one hand and continued to stretch the other. She rested her chin on her folded tail and gazed after Elizabet, her mother. The morning light filtered in through the window carved into the side of Mira’s room. It lit Mira’s tail on fire, sending reflections of silver scales across the ceiling and made her mother’s sea green tail nearly glow. Her mother was a beautiful mermaid. She had the darkest brown hair and it fell down to the top of her long, elegant tail. Her eyes were a dark golden color and her skin was sunkissed. She’d come from a village that lived closer to the surface, but her parents didn’t really talk much about their pasts.

Sighing, Mirabella floated to the sandbrick chest that stood at the end of her bed. She rummaged through the chest until she found her three day blouses. The white one was her favorite. It reminded her of the sand dollar her father had given her for her birthday when she was younger. She slipped the long-sleeved shirt over her head and smiled at the soft feel of the sea silk against her skin. Next she hurried to the mirror shard in her washroom and pulled her hair back with two thin braids that tied together at the back and fell gently to the rest of her loose hair. With a quick smile to her reflection, she darted out of her room and into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Father,” Mirabella kissed the top of her father’s head as she swam past him.

“Good morning,” Aldrec returned, glancing up from his scroll to reach for another crab puff. Her father had sandy brown hair, sky blue eyes, and a light blue tail to match. It was clear that Mirabella had taken after him more so than her mother, though her features were lighter still than even his.

Mirabella’s mother floated in behind her with a satchel and coin purse. As Mira rushed to stuff a wide leaf with crab puffs and a few tuna rolls, she felt the strap of the ancient leather satchel slip over her head and settle onto her shoulders.

“Try to sell as many pieces as you can today,” Mira nodded at her mother’s words, a crab puff protruding from her lips as she resettled the satchel to be more comfortable at her hip. Her mother drew Mirabella’s chin up to look at her, “And don’t forget to come back with grouper for the dinner tomorrow.”

“I won’t,” Mirabella’s words were muffled as she spoke around the food still sticking out of her mouth. She hastily swallowed, pulling the remainder of the puff from her mouth to ask, “We need more seaweed wraps too, don’t we?”

“Yes,” her father called from the table, “Elizabet, aren’t you making shrimp tonight?” The mermaid nodded at her husband and then handed the coin purse to her daughter before turning to begin her own breakfast.

“Bye!” Mirabella waved as she swam out the door and raced to the market, hoping to find Sabina already there.

***

“What took so long?” Sabina swam to Mirabella’s side, reaching for what was left of the crab puffs and tuna rolls.

“You’re early,” her friend retorted, opening the satchel at her hip, “Here take a look. If there’s anything you want, you’d better get it. I have to sell the rest.” The girls swam together toward the market street, following the clamor of voices that rose louder the closer they swam.

Sabina grinned as she sorted through the beautiful collection of handmade jewelry and chewed on a crab puff. Mirabella’s mother created the most unique pieces in the whole town, and Sabina knew she’d find the perfect gift for her mother’s upcoming birthday. She shifted through pearl bracelets and clam shell earrings, but finally settled on a simple necklace with a stone carving of a strange flower.

“What’s this?”

Mira glanced over at the long necklace, breaking into a grin, “Mother called it a lily. She said they used to be near her home when she was a girl. She said the sea sprites would trade them for underwater treasures. Mother always loved the way the smelled.”
Sabina nodded, tucking the necklace into the pocket of her periwinkle blouse. She tugged a few coins from her coin purse and added them to Mira’s, careful that her friend wouldn’t notice. Just as the girls rounded the last corner, a call from behind drew their attention.

“Sabina!” a little merboy chased after them. It was Cain, Sabina’s younger brother. When he caught up to them, he bent over, huffing as he tried to catch his breath. Mirabella hid a chuckle behind her hand. The merboy wasn’t but eight years old and his deep blue tail matched Sabina’s. His freckles were sprinkled all across his nose and shoulders. With moppy blonde hair and bright blue eyes, Mira was certain that he would one day draw the attention of many young mermaids.

“What is it, Cain?” Sabina reached for her brother, sure he might collapse.

He swatted away her hand, “I’m fine…just…not used to…swimming so quickly.”

“Is anything wrong?” Mirabella’s brows creased with mild concern, but he shook his head.

“No, Ma just forgot to tell you that she wants you to find Gerek and ask him about a place for Nahlah in the castle. She said the sooner the better.”

Sabina nodded. Nahlah was their cousin. She’d been living with them since her parents sent her from the neighboring village to find work. Sabina’s mother used to clean in the castle for Lord Wiley and his family, so she was hoping that Nahlah could find a position there doing the same.

“We’ll speak to him,” Sabina turned back toward the market, but Cain tugged on her arm.

“Can I go with Troy to the coral fields?”

“Did you already ask Pa and Ma?” Sabina’s tone was suspicious.

Cain shook his head adamantly, “No, honest. I forgot.”

“You know they don’t like the two of you going alone,” she said warningly.

“We won’t be,” he said hurriedly, “Troy’s older brother will be with us. We’ll be back before supper, I promise.”

Mirabella nudged Sabina, “They can’t cause that much trouble out there. And Nen is responsible. He’ll keep an eye on them.”

“Fine,” Sabina relented.

“Alright! Thanks, Sabi!” he sped off into the chaos of market street to find his friend.

“But only if you three…stick together,” she called after him, but finished deflated knowing her words hadn’t carried far enough to reach him. Sighing, she faced Mirabella, “He’s hopeless.”

The girls swam from stall to stall, purchasing goods for their families before they reached the end of the street and began to set out Elizabet’s jewelry to sell. Mirabella pulled the pieces from her satchel and Sabina arranged them on the stone shelf the girls often used to display their goods. Mirabella searched for the driftwood sign Cain had made for them that informed the merfolk that their stall was open for the day.

“Well, if it isn’t Mirabella and her mother’s pathetic junk jewelry.”

Sabina held in a groan as a violet-tailed mermaid floated to their table. Rivana. Her brown hair was piled high onto her head and dotted with pearls. Her brown eyes flashed as a wicked grin spread across her narrow face. Mirabella steeled herself for the ensuing insults, mentally chanting be nice be nice be nice. She eyed Sabina, hoping her friend would hear the message.

“Good morning, Rivana,” Sabina plastered on a smile and passed a hand across the array of necklaces, bracelets, anklets, and earrings, “I don’t suppose you’d like to see Elizabet’s newest creations?”

Rivana scoffed, “See? Why I’d rather stab pins into my eyes. It wouldn’t hurt nearly so much.”

“Oh, they’re not that bad, Rivana,” a merman sidled up to Rivana, waving at Mirabella and Sabina.

“Hey, Destan,” Mirabella smiled.

“Please,” Rivana rolled her eyes, “It’s not like they actually sell. I mean, who would want…this?” Her face soured as she pinched a seahorse broach between her fingers. Shuddering, she let the piece float back down to the table, as if even touching it made her sick.

“I’ll have you know,” Sabina’s eyes flashed with anger, “That merfolk come from many villages to purchase these pieces.”

“Ooh hoo,” Rivana shook her hands, in mock fear, “World famous, aren’t we?” She grinned sweetly before going on, “Of course merfolk come from out of town to buy your stuff. No one here wants it. No one here knows you. Or cares.”

“Come off it, Rivana,” Destan said, sympathy filling his navy blue eyes, “You don’t have to be so mean about it.”

Sighing, Rivana crossed her arms, “Whatever.” She began to swim away, but turned back when Destan didn’t follow, “Aren’t you coming?”

“See you, guys,” he shrugged, an apology lining his crooked grin, “Good luck with the jewelry.”

Sabina huffed, “Rude.”

Mirabella turned back to the satchel, pulling out a scroll she’d bought earlier. “It doesn’t matter.”

“But it does,” frustration echoed in Sabina’s words, “She’s not any better than we are.”

“Yeah,” Mira straightened and turned to her friend, “But she’s always been like that.”

“That doesn’t make it okay, Mira.”

Shrugging, she handed Sabina the scroll, “I know.”

Glaring, Sabina snatched away the scroll, “Just because your family isn’t from around here doesn’t mean she’s got the right to…hey, what is this?”

Mira grinned, perching on the stool behind their stall shelf. “I found it at another stall earlier. Thought you might like it.”

Sabina’s irritation melted as she poured into the scroll. It was a history scroll. “I haven’t seen this one before. Hey, look, this even has old fables from across the ocean!” Mirabella laughed at her friend’s excitement. The further down she skimmed, the more excited she seemed to get. “There are stories of ancient sea nymphs and siren songs. Tales from the east of dragon kings and water spirits. There are origin stories for all manner of monsters and poetry written about the Lady of the Lake.” She paused in a section, nearly bubbling over with laughter, “According to this the sea sprites used to see the land sprites daily. They were like brothers, but there was a war among the elves, so the land sprites only come to trade now.”

Mira wrinkled her nose, “What’re elves?”

Sabina looked up from the scroll for the first time, appalled. “An elf is…is…Mira, you can’t be serious?” Shaking her head she returned to the scroll.

“I’ve never heard of such a creature,” Mira returned to tinkering with her mother’s trinkets.

Shaking her head, Sabina said, “They live on the land, in the mountains and in forests.”

An older mermaid swam to their stall, perusing through the jewelry outlaid. Mira smiled, nodding as the woman pointed to a bracelet and handed over a few coins.

“…Forests?” Mira almost didn’t dare ask, peering over at her friend.

“Didn’t you pay any attention in school?” Sabina’s unbelief almost made Mirabella laugh. Sabina had always been the one engrossed in scrolls in the library, even studying more than what the teachers assigned. Mira was studious, but history never really was her favorite subject, and besides, Sabina went beyond history. She loved the old stories and mythology. Sometimes Mira wondered if Sabina could still tell reality from fiction.

Sabina waved a hand excitedly, her eyes fixated on the scroll. “Listen to this, ‘Centuries ago, the northern mermaid clans used to believe that myrens were responsible for the change of the seasons. They attributed the temperature changes and ice to myrens. Some of them even believed that myrens controlled the currents.” Sabina laughed so hard she snorted. Instantly mortified, she blushed, but couldn’t subdue the chuckle completely.

“Come on, Sabi,” Mira rolled her eyes, “Everyone knows myrens are just the scary monsters mothers tell their children about to make them behave properly.”

“How do you know they aren’t real?” Sabina challenged.

A merman strolled over, asking about a piece for his girlfriend, and the girls gave him suggestions before he settled on a pair of starfish earrings.

“You can’t honestly believe that they are?” Mira continued their conversation as she accepted the coins from the merman. She tried to give him the few smaller coins that he’d overpaid her, but he insisted they keep them.

“Why couldn’t they be? I mean, there is a big ocean out there. We know other creatures are real. What makes them any different than the sharks and dolphins we see everyday?”

Mirabella laughed heartily at that, “Because we don’t see them everyday, Sabina. We don’t even hear of them. If you ask me, half of those critters are probably just the imaginations of an overzealous storyteller who was bored and decided to write them down. Elves and water spirits.” She mumbled, rearranging the jewelry as each piece was sold and made more room on the shelf.

“But we know sirens are real and we don’t see them every day,” Sabina seemed to contemplate her own words, pursing her lips.

Mira shrugged, “Well…yeah, but…”

“But what?”

“I don’t know. I guess…well, we’ve met people who have seen sirens. I’ve never met someone who’s seen a myren.”

Sabina harrumphed, still unconvinced, “You wouldn’t know it if you had. They look just like you and me.”

“You mean they don’t have horns and pointy teeth?” sarcasm thick in her voice, Mira’s eyes rounded in mock surprise.

With a quiet chuckle, Sabina shook her head, “Alright, I give. No myrens.” She shot Mira a sideways glance, mumbling, “but the elves are real.”

By the end of the market day, the pair had sold nearly all of the jewelry. Only the seahorse broach and pearl bracelet were left. Mira figured the bracelet would be gone soon. Many of the older mermaids thought pearls were classy and they weren’t exactly cheap. Finding enough to string a bracelet was kind of a big deal. Mira was honestly surprised her mother didn’t keep it herself, but then again, they needed the money.

When she was younger, Mira had dreamed of an apprenticeship under the town healer, but as she grew older, it became apparent that she didn’t have a strong enough stomach for that. It would have been a stable path to follow; villages always needed healers. Though she’d have secured a steady income and she’d never have run out of work, her parents had insisted she find work that she enjoyed. The problem was, Mirabella didn’t know what she wanted to do. So, she helped her mother sell odd jewelry and taught the young merchildren three times a week. Sabina had put in a good word for her at the school and Mira was good with the merchildren. She taught arithmetic mostly, but occasionally they asked her to teach other subjects. Sabina taught history and language. What Sabina really wanted, though, was an apprenticeship with the village storyteller. So far, he’d refused to take on anyone, so Sabina bid her time, telling fanciful stories to the merchildren at the end of the school days as they waited for their parents.

Okay, that's what I've got so far...thoughts?

I HAVE a plot idea!!! My sister helped me work out some kinks! Super excited for this story again!