The Humour Club discussion

Here's your chance to complain loud and long about your partner/spouse and/or loved one.

Chances are they are not Goodreads members and will never read the nasty stuff you're saying about them, so, let 'er rip!

My husband and I "celebrated" our 23rd anniversary this past weekend. That's a LONG time to spend with another person, so I've got plenty to complain about.

I've long given up asking how his day was because it ALWAYS sucked. Why? Because his employees are idiots. Since I've worked for my husband both in and out of the home, I can tell you that his employees are probably NOT idiots...well, not ALL of them, anyway. HE is lousy at giving directions.
Recently, I was asked to retrieve a pair of clippers for him. He said they had green handles and were hanging on the left wall of the shed. They were on the right wall and had blue handles and were actually a trowel, which is what he meant to ask for in the first place.
You see? Unless you're a mind-reader, you end up being categorized an idiot.

LOL! That's pretty bad, Melki!

My spouse isn't too bad, but I think the last thing he was on time for was our wedding, 20 years ago. That wouldn't be a big deal if I weren't the sort of person who likes to be ten minutes early for everything.

Here's another one.

Our aquarium contains two elderly fish. When they finally go to their watery graves, WE decided WE will get rid of the aquarium and replace it with a much-needed bookshelf. Then HE comes home with a baggy containing six fish.

???

Rebecca wrote: "LOL! That's pretty bad, Melki!

My spouse isn't too bad, but I think the last thing he was on time for was our wedding, 20 years ago. That wouldn't be a big deal if I weren't the sort of person..."

Ooo - that would drive me nuts. I'm a ten minutes early kind of gal myself.

Happy Anniversary, Melki!!! I'll be looking forward to complaints!

I like hearing the complaint stories too.

Although, I feel I can relate to these stories...from the man point of view.

There is a quote I heard many years ago which has always made me giggle:

"The Good Lord was very wise when He made him marry her. That way he made two people miserable instead of four."

Actually I have a sneaky survival mechanism for spouse complaints. If you marry twice, you can safely criticise your ex wife. Mind you, it's not a good enough reason on its own to marry twice. Especially if you knew my first wife.

A true story. Not long after being divorced I moved into a flat on my own. Within the first month of moving in, I was burgled. The police came along to interview me. After chatting for a while the young policewoman looked at me rather suspiciously. She said: "You look very calm for someone who has just been burgled."

So I said: "I have just been divorced. I think I am getting the hang of being robbed."

I seem to remember a quote about "the wise man marries his second wife first," but I can't find it. Maybe I made it up.

HIM: I really like this shampoo. It makes my hair feel so clean.

HER: *Hastily buys seven gallon "family-size" bucket of the stuff.*

One week later...

HIM: I don't like that shampoo anymore. It dries out my hair too much.

HER: *Enough shampoo in bucket to serve as a hefty murder weapon when swung at spouse's head, plus evidence can be washed down the drain.*

Melki wrote: "I seem to remember a quote about "the wise man marries his second wife first," but I can't find it. Maybe I made it up."

Sounds like the advice to have grandkids first, since they are so much more fun.

I think that by waiting until we were antiques, the spouse and I managed to make it a bit like having the second marriage first.

They say a man isn't truly complete until he is married. Then, he's finished.

Is this thread abandoned through fear?

A friend of mine is currently going through a separation because her husband got abusive. Suddenly the title here doesn't seem funny :(

That really sucks. Sympathy for her

Yeah. It puts my gripe about my spouse interrupting my writing all day today into perspective.

A friend of mine, who is involved in a small publishing company, is also a woman police officer in a domestic violence unit. It's depressing how much work she has...

But as with Charlie Hebdo, it's mocking the subject and those who do abuse that reduces the issue to a manageable level,gives an avenue to discuss it, and sometimes its the only way to fight back

I agree, Will. I'm actually editing an autobiography right now for a woman telling her story about how she escaped from a violent spouse. She's actually a stand-up comedian now and the book is filled with very dark humor. Before we discussed the project, she wanted to warn me about the humor and language. In an email she said:

"Look, shit happens in life. The way I see it, if I curl up in a ball and whine about what he did to me, then he wins and I never get to be happy. But if I can figure out a way to make the bastard look like the (insert stream of expletives here) he is and I manage to laugh about it, then I'm the one who comes out on top."

Agree, Lisa. My friend isn't laughing, but she's discovering she's more comfortable with him out of the house (even though the violence was a rare thing). I have a feeling that marriage will not be mending itself, especially as he refuses to admit he has a problem. We'll have to work on finding the humor...she and I can usually do that :D

Thank goodness both these women have that kind of strength. The best revenge would be for the victim to show her abuser just how much her life's improved since leaving him and just how visibly happy she is about it. Or, like in "Enough", you could do a Jennifer Lopez number on the bastid.

OK, OK, I know- "Violence begets violence!" But even one good kick in the, OK, I know...

Rebecca wrote: "Agree, Lisa. My friend isn't laughing, but she's discovering she's more comfortable with him out of the house (even though the violence was a rare thing). I have a feeling that marriage will not be..."

My policewoman friend's view is that there are 2 types of abuser: someone who does something awful once, and is then consumed by guilt and never repeats the act. Then the relationship is probably worth saving: but anyone who repeats the abuse a second time will probably never stop, and the only safety is in escape.

I fear you may be correct, Will. A refusal to admit a problem looks pretty unsalvagable to me.

The repeat abusers, need to be jailed until they learn, unfortunately, the penal system is already stretched to the limit. Rebecca, I sincerely hope your friend can distance herself easily and he moves on, out of her life.

Just a reminder - this is The Humour Club. While the word "club" is in there, it is preceded by "humour", which even in American refers to funny. And spousal abuse - not beating people up - is rife for funny. Especially if it's someone else's spouse.

Well, to put this back on the right kind of spousal abuse, I have to say that mine is the most oblivious! I spent much of yesterday afternoon fixing the drain in our bathroom sink, including a trip to the hardware store and about a million trips downstairs to my shop. And when I finished about 5 p.m. he looks up from his chair (where I'm pretty sure he'd been watching TV shows on his computer all afternoon). Is he going to offer to fix dinner? To take me out?

No. He just comments that the kitchen sink should be next. And sits there while I fix dinner. GRR.

I left him all the dirty dishes.

You did all that and you still cooked dinner?

Will you marry me?

The hubby informed me last night, about an hour after he let the dog in, which also happened to be an about an hour since I began prowling the house to find the source of "that horrible smell," told me he thought the dog might have gotten skunked while he was outside.

Where was said dog by the time he mentioned this? In our BED! That spouse of mine is so very lucky I don't own any clubs.

Lisa wrote: "The hubby informed me last night, about an hour after he let the dog in, which also happened to be an about an hour since I began prowling the house to find the source of "that horrible smell," tol..."

He should food-test his tomato gravy next time you make pasta.

Oy, Lisa! Another good reason not to have dogs! (Or husbands?).

Will, I would, but despite appearances, I'm happily married already. And I made dinner because I was hungry.

Yes, Joel, but I can't do that until we can erase the comments. You know, one needs to look totally innocent with those kinds of things.

Actually, I'm more upset with the dog. It wasn't his first rodeo with a skunk. Why didn't he learn the first time?

Lisa: Dogs. Are. Stupid.

He's never going to learn. Your husband I give a 50-50 chance.

Sorry, Rebecca. I totally disagree on the dog thing. I've had dogs all my life, a husband for only half of it. They (dogs) are not stupid, just perpetually optimistic that things will always work out better the second, (third, fourth, etc.) time!

The husband's mind? Go figure.

My husband is home sick from work today, which means he will sit on the couch under a blanket watching movies On-Demand.

I'm sick, too, but I'll be doing the usual...laundry, dishes, cooking...

But if your dog could talk, it would tell you to snuggle on the sofa and order in, right? I suggest you do that instead.

Oh, yeah, I gotta walk the dog, too.

Try to stay away from skunks.

Lisa, I think that may describe the male mind, too. So the conclusion: men and dogs are the same thing!

Man flu - you feel awful so you lie on the sofa wondering why no-one is giving you any sympathy.

Woman flu - you feel awful so you do the dishes to make sure that people feel obliged to give you some sympathy.

I'm reading a book at the moment about the science of happiness. Apparently, it's all about the attention that we give to pleasure or purpose. Some people like to give most of their attention to pleasure - such as lying on the sofa watching a boxed set of the Walking Dead.

Some people give their attention to purpose, such as doing the dishes.

The funny thing is that people who like lots of pleasure don't get much happier if they have some more pleasure. 12 episodes of the Walking Dead does not make you 100% happier than 6 episodes.

And it's the same with people who like lots of purpose. A bit more purpose doesn't make them feel correspondingly happier.

Apparently, the best way to happiness is to have a period of pleasure followed by some purpose. Or a spell of purpose followed by some pleasure.

So I reckon that means a victim of man flu should lie on the sofa watching 11 episodes of the Walking Dead. But he shouldn't watch the twelfth. Oh no, that would be too much pleasure.

Instead he should offer to swap places with a victim of woman flu, just as she is about to wash the last dish. Let her watch the last episode so that a long bout of purpose has been followed by a little bit of pleasure.

On second thoughts, maybe not.

Joel, that was a fantastic post! Sums up my marital life so very well, lol. Would you by any chance have a book title and/or author name for the one in your post?

Edit: meant Will, not Joel. Note to self - never post when tired :(

Ana wrote: "Joel, that was a fantastic post! Sums up my marital life so very well, lol. Would you by any chance have a book title and/or author name for the one in your post?"

I wonder which post she's referring to, because #36 - Try to stay away from skunks is good advice for married life.

Melki, I'm sorry, I meant Will. My page scrolled up and read the wrong name 'cause I'm careless when I'm tired. Really sorry, everyone, I meant post 38 by Will. :(

Ana wrote: "Joel, that was a fantastic post! Sums up my marital life so very well, lol. Would you by any chance have a book title and/or author name for the one in your post?

Edit: meant Will, not Joel. Note ..."

We're often confused.

Lisa wrote: "Sorry, Rebecca. I totally disagree on the dog thing. I've had dogs all my life, a husband for only half of it. They (dogs) are not stupid, just perpetually optimistic that things will always work out better the second, (third, fourth, etc.) time!... The husband's mind? Go figure. "


I've just been thinking how much better the world was back in the day when it was OK for men to poke fun at their wives. Not that I would make jokes about my wife, mind you . Not me. I know better. But, you know, it was just a really nice place. There were bluebirds. I remember bluebirds.

However, since I'm much too modern to make fun of wives, I will refer you to Mark Twain's hilarious story "The McWilliams and the Membranous Croup" just to show you what a man might poke fun of if we hadn't all gotten so sensitive and understanding. (And, of course, if women ever did anything we could possibly satirize. [Which they don't. They absolutely don't. Let me make that clear.])

You can read Twain's story for free at http://www.readbookonline.net/readOnL....

Ana wrote: "Melki, I'm sorry, I meant Will. My page scrolled up and read the wrong name 'cause I'm careless when I'm tired. Really sorry, everyone, I meant post 38 by Will. :("

Don't apologize, Ana. ALL of our members offer wonderful marital advice that should be followed to the letter. And here's a handy list for finding a good divorce lawyer -
http://lawyers.findlaw.com/lawyer/pra...

See, I did that so my husband will notice it in the browser history and start to wonder. It's good to keep him on his toes...

Ana

Here's the book:

Happiness by Design: Change What You Do, Not How You Think



I've got mixed feelings about it. Some of the insights he is offering are very interesting. He clearly knows what he is talking about. A lot of what he is saying it based on data. That's the good news.

The not so good news is that the writing can be a little stodgy at times. There are lots of overlong sentences that I have had to read several times in order to understand.

I get the impression that a very clever man with a brain full of stuff has splurged out all this stuff in his first book. There are some nuggets in there - quite possibly some very valuable nuggets - but it's a bit of a chore wading through the dense language to find them. Good material in need of a better editor, methinks.

I'm about half way through. It might get better. For now it's a cautious recommend. It has a goodreads rating of 3.5, which seems about right.

Hi, Will, and thank you very much for your helpful reply!

I've reserved the book at the local library so that I won't feel bad if it turns out to be a disappointing read. I know what you mean with regards to books that can sound bad despite the really good nuggets and authors who would benefit from an editor, heh. I'll give it a chance because what you said along with the reviews I read make it seem quite intriguing.

If you end up writing a full review when you finish the book and it's not too cheeky of me to ask, would you please let me know? Would love to read it. :)

A bit more on topic, am I the only one whose other half is the most patient husband ever except when it comes to driving in a queue of any length and/or losing his precious parking spot?

Ana - I'll probably be reviewing it in a couple of days. I'll let you know. It's definitely worth looking at for the nuggets. It may be one of those books that I need to read more than once, like unpeeling an onion (but with fewer tears).

As to the driving, many men drive as if their car and the manner in which they are driving it is a representation of the contents of their underpants. Look at me! Isn't my car big and shiny? And don't I handle it expertly? Isn't mine more magnificent than yours?

Telling a man that he is a poor driver is like telling him that he is disappointing in the manhood department. Which is why in one survey 93% of American men and 69% of Swedish men thought they were better than average drivers.

Will said: "Telling a man that he is a poor driver is like telling him that he is disappointing in the manhood department. Which is why in one survey 93% of American men and 69% of Swedish men thought they were better than average drivers."

Does that mean 31% of the Swedish men have heard all the rumors?

Lisa wrote: "Will said: "Telling a man that he is a poor driver is like telling him that he is disappointing in the manhood department. Which is why in one survey 93% of American men and 69% of Swedish men thou..."

I'm pretty sure a man would be more willing to admit to having a small penis than to being a lousy driver.

Lisa - dunno. Personally, I'd like to hear the opinions of the American women and the Swedish women.

Melki - ooh, I feel a Johari window coming on! Let me slip into management mode for a second. I'll just tie this imaginary tie...

We can construct a 2x2 matrix of penis size versus car size. This would then give us four possible states of man and car...

Small car/ small penis - ah, bless.
Small car/ big penis - the stealthy one
Big car/ small penis - Mr Compensator
Big car/ big penis - where 93% of men think they are. Or ought to be.