Paths to Wholeness discussion

I've determined to slowly and thoughtfully digest this book while continuing to read Cleckley's the Mask of Sanity.

While discussing his yoga practice, Cope had this to say of his experience:

"Out of the blue would come an answer, a perspective, a sense of knowing the right thing to do. On the mat, I often felt as though I was digesting my life, my experience, my traumas."

Tonight was the first time in nearly eight months that I have unrolled my mat. While I can't claim any magical shift in perspective, what I can say is how shocked I was with the degree to which I have fallen completely out of touch with my own body.

This past year has been a mess, medically and emotionally. I have fought a continuing chronic illness that escalated immensely, more or less putting me on complete lockdown most of the year due to the warmer temperatures. After several seizures and hospital visits, I had even started looking into states with allowances for medically assisted suicide, due to the sheer unrelenting nature of my condition, and years of progressive worsening. In years past, I had been an incredibly athletic and adventurous spirit, and physical pursuits often helped manage the effects of many years of trauma. Illness has taken all of that away, and the emptiness of what has become my life in the absence of who I used to be, came to its peak this past summer. Rum and coke became an evening ritual, and my previously rigid dietary laws and aversions took an inversive dive. In the process, I became fat, self-condemning, and as natural course would have it, self-punishing. My self-talk dismissed the many legitimate reasons for inactivity, such as pain and medical regimens, and opted instead for the damning labels of self-hate: "lazy," "slob," "pig," "failure." The fact that I was still pursuing a masters full-time was entirely irrelevant to this critical voice that only saw weight gain and an unaccomplished, and frankly excessive, to-do list.

Tonight, as I cursed the pain and the well-meaning video yoga instructor, I also gave a soft and saddened apology to my body for the abuse it bravely sustained as I struggled to keep afloat through the mess of this past year. There is something so sacred about being in sync with your body, with how its doing, whether or not its happy. When you live with pain day in and day out, the tendency is to sever the connection between body and mind, to drown it out, to throw food or drink at it in hopes it will just shut the hell up already, or to punish it for not doing so.

It feels good to have finally checked in with my own body, to ask it how it's doing, and to offer it a bit of hope that we will have a better 2017 together.

Christine,

I'm sorry that you have had to endure so much suffering, and that it's been compounded by an internal critic. For what it's worth, I began the process of becoming a therapist in a state of physical and emotional pain, isolation, and a sense of failure on many levels. Becoming a therapist, and continuing to put on my best self every day to be there for my clients, has been an integrating and rejuvenating experience, despite the demands on my time and emotions it also places.

I think there's something true about wounded healers being the best healers because they know suffering, and in the process of healing others, also healing themselves. I hope that this is how it works out for you, too.

David

Thank you for the words of encouragement, David. I am looking forward to the journey!

Christine

Hi Christine,

I think you sound like a warrior - how can someone take such punishment & still have a spirit that says "ok that round wasn't my best but I'm gonna keep coming".

I do believe that there is a power in the new year that can be felt spiritually.

The sun worshipping was looked down upon once Christianity replaced it but the warmth & light finally returning to the world is surely only a good thing - it's s blatantly energising.

That self-talk might have once been described as Satan whispering in your ear (or just media) but it's sounds as though you have enormous strength & resolve.

Certainly stronger than most of the frauds out there that's for sure.

You don't need me to say it but don't push yourself too hard as to where you think you should be ;-)