Romance Writers & Readers discussion

Hi all,
I would very much appreciate your feedback and thoughts on the blurb for my novella. Thanks in advance!

"Carly Edwards, a successful Chicago editor, hasn't seen her childhood friends in years. So when the Kendalls invite her to a weekend celebration she jumps at the chance to visit them on their sprawling Montana ranch. She's thrilled to see everyone in the place where she had so many happy memories, including Josh Kendall, her childhood friend and protector. But has time and a tragedy from their past put an expiration date on love or will Carly and Josh take a chance on the happiness that should have been theirs all along? "

It's not too bad, but I have to say, it's not totally drawing me in. Ugh, don't hate me for saying that.

Here's a few suggestions that either raise questions to me or I don't think is necessary:

1. I don't think you need "childhood friend(s)" twice. Say it once, and since Josh Kendall seems the most important one of them, mention it with him only.

2. I think it's great she's a successful Chicago editor, but the rest of the blurb doesn't really give me the vibe that's an important part of the story. You could probably leave that out and start right with going to Montana.

3. This part "so many happy memories" and then you end with the question "but has time and a tragedy from their past"... this kinda confuses me because saying she has so many happy memories, then a tragedy...I can't explain it other than it just doesn't mesh well.

4. This kinda brings me back to the childhood friend part...what kind of protector was Josh to her? And is it vital to have that word in the blurb? Would just saying childhood friend be sufficient?

Here's an example of how maybe you can start it out.... Carly Edwards hasn't seen her childhood friend Josh Kendall in years until she's invited to (his parents?) sprawling Montana ranch.

I hope this helps...and I wasn't too harsh in my suggestions. Blurbs are the worst. I never have any fun writing them.

Thanks, Amanda. Yes it was very helpful - esppecially your beginning suggestion as it sounds more active. Good point about her being successful. That's part of why Josh doesn't think she'd want to leave Chicago to be a rancher's wife. Carly was best friends with Ruthie Kendall, Josh's sister. I feel weird leaving her out of the blurb lol, but..,*shrug* the tragedy was Mrs. Kendall died of a heart attack when Carly and Ruthie were 15. Before that, the Kendalls were a second family to Carly, who was the new girl at school and picked on a lot until the Kendall kids made everyone leave her alone.

So much to boil down into a blurb!! Ugh is right...

Oh, and I want feedback, I don't think honest opinion = negativity so no worries :)

Ah, Miss Erin! So excited to see your next book in the works!!

Okay, here's my free cents...

1)Re: "Carly Edwards, a successful Chicago editor, hasn't seen her childhood friends in years."

I don't care about any of this. Now don't get me wrong cuz I adore YOU so I care haha! But thinking objectively as a reader? Yeah, I just don't care about Carly or what she does or what happens after the first sentence. I'm a blurb skimmer, though, and tend to stop reading the second I lose interest...

Personally, I'd open with a hook instead.

2) re: "Carly was best friends with Ruthie Kendall, Josh's sister. I feel weird leaving her out of the blurb lol"

I totally hear ya about wanting to include certain details. You kinda feel like you owe it to the characters, eh? ^_~ That said, I'm kinda a firm believer that the blurb's only job is to sell your book, not necessarily pay tribute to any part of the story.

3) The whole thing reads a bit synopsis-y to me like a mini-Coles Notes version of the first few chapters. Dunno if that makes sense...? I'd personally remove anything generic/extraneous and punch it up with some details that make your story different from the rest of the pack.

Hope that helps some, ma'am!

***mwahhh***

Annie wrote: "Ah, Miss Erin! So excited to see your next book in the works!!

Okay, here's my free cents...

1)Re: "Carly Edwards, a successful Chicago editor, hasn't seen her childhood friends in years."

I don..."

*waves wildly at Madame A*
I like the thought of a hook...will work on that. I can literally feel some of the vanilla being drained from mmy blurb! *fistbump*

Erin wrote: "Oh, and I want feedback, I don't think honest opinion = negativity so no worries :) "

You're welcome! I know you asked for it, but I always still feel bad...hahaha I can't help it! Which is why I always try to say it as nicely and honestly as I can. So slap me silly if I ever say it mean. *laughs*

Amanda wrote: "Erin wrote: "Oh, and I want feedback, I don't think honest opinion = negativity so no worries :) "

You're welcome! I know you asked for it, but I always still feel bad...hahaha I can't help it! Wh..."

"Slaps* Amanda with a cup of steaming chamomile and fresh macadamia cookies...

Okay, Miss Erin. I couldn't help myself...


Carly Edwards hasn't seen Josh Kendall in years.

Not since she left a small-town ranch to become a big-name editor in Chicago. Once her childhood friend and protector, he's even sexier [or something tamer haha] than she remembers. But as their chemistry sizzles like never before, she must face something else...

The tragedy that drove her away in the first place.


Nothing amazeballs but it's what I'd do with what you already have on the table.

EDIT: Forgot to say, I dig the city girl/country boy dynamic. IF that adds tension to the story, I'd personally leave it in the blurb. If it doesn't? Karate chop ^_~

Annie wrote: "Okay, Miss Erin. I couldn't help myself...


Carly Edwards hasn't seen Josh Kendall in years.

Not since she left a small-town ranch to become a big-name editor in Chicago. Once her childhood frien..."

Better? Getting there?

Carly Edwards hasn't seen Josh Kendall since they were teenagers, riding horses and splashing through creeks on his family's sprawling Montana ranch. But Carly's all grown up now and the sizzling chemistry between her and Josh make it clear to her that this sexy cowboy, with a killer smile and a heart as big as a prairie sky, may be just what she needs to put the past behind her and take a chance on love.

This version has much, muuuch more personality than the first (which was a bit bland/generic, imho) but I kinda miss having the successful/Chicago bit in there. Without that, the only tension in this version is "may be just what she needs to put the past behind her" and even that is pretty promising. Like a bit too promising LOL

I wanna have hope for an HEA but not have it be a sure deal, ya know?

Again, my free cents. Worth a lot of free XP

Annie wrote: "This version has much, muuuch more personality than the first (which was a bit bland/generic, imho) but I kinda miss having the successful/Chicago bit in there. Without that, the only tension in th..."

You're right because her career is what holds Josh back...I'll work on that angle a bit...

Erin wrote: "Carly Edwards hasn't seen Josh Kendall in years.

Not since she left a small-town ranch to become a big-name editor in Chicago. Once her c..."

So sorry I've been absent, but I really like this one a lot more. I do agree with Mistress Ann about the ending somewhat. If you can add in the career part in the ending to create a little more tension...

But maybe you have because it's been a few days. lol Love to see the blurb you decide on:)

One look. That's all it took for successful Chicago editor Carly Edwards to realize that Josh Kendall can still lasso her heart and wrap it around his little finger. So now that she's back on his sprawling Montana ranch for a weekend celebration it hurts more than ever that her sexy cowboy only sees her as the shy, bookworm he used to ride horses and splash through creeks with as kids.
Or does he? 
Josh thought he was ready to see Carly after so many years but nothing could have prepare him for the all too grown up beauty who walks through the front door of his cabin. But Carly isn't the only one who's changed. Josh has learned the hard way that the best way to avoid loss is to refuse to have anything worth losing, especially love. But when it comes to Carly his mind and his heart just can't seem to agree. Is there an expiration date on destiny or does life sometimes truly save the best for last? 

Okay. I really like this one the best! Great job! Here's a few suggestions. I took out a few words...

One look. That's all it took for successful Chicago editor Carly Edwards to realize that Josh Kendall can still lasso her heart and wrap it around his little finger. Now she's back on his sprawling Montana ranch for a weekend celebration and it hurts more than ever her sexy cowboy only sees her as the shy, bookworm he used to ride horses and splash through creeks with as kids.

Josh thought he was ready to see Carly after so many years but nothing could have prepare him for the all too grown up beauty who walks through the front door of his cabin. Josh has learned the hard way that the best way to avoid loss is to refuse to have anything worth losing, especially love. When it comes to Carly his mind and his heart just can't seem to agree.

(And I'm not sure I'd add this question. You could probably end it without it.) Is there an expiration date on destiny or does life sometimes truly save the best for last?

Amanda wrote: "Okay. I really like this one the best! Great job! Here's a few suggestions. I took out a few words...

One look. That's all it took for successful Chicago editor Carly Edwards to realize that Josh ..."

Hmm...I don't hate it. I need one more sentence, sort of a soft landing, but yes - I think leaving out the question keeps the blurb from being soap opera-y.

Yes, I love it!! *high five*

I was also thinking one more sentence but I would try not to use a question.

Amanda wrote: "I was also thinking one more sentence but I would try not to use a question."

I completely agree.

I think it sounds great! You guys are amazing at figuring this stuff out.

Abigail wrote: "I think it sounds great! You guys are amazing at figuring this stuff out."

Trial and error lol, art>science :)

I'm going to be very unhelpful and say I actually preferred your original blurb from your first post the best only with this line She's thrilled to see everyone in the place where she had so many happy memories, including Josh Kendall, her childhood friend and protector. slightly tweaked. Sorry!

Jane wrote: "I'm going to be very unhelpful and say I actually preferred your original blurb from your first post the best only with this line She's thrilled to see everyone in the place where she had so many h..."

Not gonna lie - friend and protector is quite romantic...

Erin wrote: "Not gonna lie - friend and protector is quite romantic..."

Haha, I like that part! Just the part about seeing everyone in the place where she had so many happy memories feels a little I'm not sure of the right word but just feels like it could be worded a little differently to flow a little better

Jane wrote: "Erin wrote: "Not gonna lie - friend and protector is quite romantic..."

Haha, I like that part! Just the part about seeing everyone in the place where she had so many happy memories feels a little..."

Less word-y

Erin wrote: "Less word-y"

Yes, exactly what I meant!

Waaaah, sorry I've been MIA, Miss Erin!

Hmm. I like your 2nd version better than this last one, which reads quite flowery (purple prose-y) for me. I just personally prefer punchiness/impact/less-is-more/whatever I'm trying to say haha! And I'm not sure if you want feedback about actual mechanics but...

Your tense goes a tiny bit wonky. For example:

One look. That's all it TAKES for successful Chicago editor Carly Edwards to realize that Josh Kendall can still lasso her heart and wrap it around his little finger.

vs.

One look. That's all it took for successful Chicago editor Carly Edwards to realize that Josh Kendall COULD still lasso her heart and wrap it around his little finger.