it's personal discussion
newest »
i. describe a color to a blind person
it's the color of her hair while she's brushing it. it's the way the light bounces off the ring on her finger. when you take her to that fancy restaurant, it's the color of the sparkling cider in your flutes. it's the electricity that shoots through your body when you look into her eyes. it's the sound of her laughter when you tell her something funny. when you're driving home, it's the colors of the street lights you pass. it's holding her hand while you're driving. it's the color of the house keys she uses to unlock the door. it's the flickering light from the candle on the kitchen table. when she calls for you to come to bed, it's the honey sweet sound of her voice. when you kiss her, it's the feeling you have in your chest. it's the breaths you share. it's the way her skin glows when you make love. it's the way she looks while she's sleeping in your arms. this is gold.
i. if i came with warning labels
she's not like the other girls who wear makeup and name-brand clothes. she won't be taken advantage of, because that's not the kind of person she is. she isn't happy all the time; she'll cry herself to sleep four out of seven times a week because she has a hard time keeping her emotions in check. if you yell at her, she'll immediately start crying because it scares her after all the verbal abuse she's had to put up with in her life. she won't get drunk or high with you; Her parents are alcoholics and addicted to marijuana. she's self-conscious about her body, especially her weight ever since her mother told her that she needs to lose more than a few pounds when she was twelve years old. there will be days where the only sustenance she gives her body is a cup of coffee in the morning. if you tell her she needs to eat something on those days it will just make her more determined not to eat anything. she'll talk to you about her biological father who left her for his two younger children and she'll tell you that she feels like she is worthless because of him. she could look you in the eye and tell you that she's fine, when she's anything but "fine."
ii. describe a color to a blind person
it's the color of her eyes and the icy chill that runs down your spine when she looks at you. it's the way the cold kisses the bits of your uncovered skin when you first step outside for your morning run. it's the weight of the air when you two are sitting in the car and she tells you about what her father did to her for the very first time. it's the color of the American Eagle hoodie that you took from her during the early days of your relationship. it was the only color that seemed to matter after every fight. it's what takes root in your heart when you think about the possibility of losing such a beautiful human being. it's highlighted in the lines of her face when she is sad or hurting. it's the color of the flashlight that accidentally ended up in your pocket when it belongs to her. it's the color of the moon on the pin she bought specifically for you. it's the way you feel when you can't have her next to you at all times so you can keep her safe and give her the love, support, and attention that she craves. this is blue.
i. me, the cataclysm
it's late at night; the curtains are drawn and the lights are all turned off aside from the nightlight in our room. she sleeps next to me, her breaths coming and going rhythmically, a small smile on her lips while she dreams.
i don't want to disturb her, so i get up. i try to move quietly, but i have heavy steps from years of wearing work boots. i open our bedroom door only wide enough so i can slip through. the wood floor is cold on my bare feet as i make my way downstairs to our kitchen.
i don't bother to flip on the light, i find the glass cupboard by feel. the glass nearly slips from my fingers, but i catch it in the nick of time.
the sound of the water faucet turning on shatters the silence in our house; if i hadn't woken her already, certainly she would be awake now.
i fill the glass with water, my hand trembles as i lift it to my lips and drink deeply.
half full or half empty?
when we're together, half full. when we're apart, half empty. staring at the glass that is now missing half of its contents, i feel the all too familiar tug of tears begging to be let loose.
the tears make my body shake and my nose run. i know i will have to wait until the red splotches on my face are gone before i can return to her. it would hurt her to know i didn't wake her so she could comfort me.
the strong ones don't need comfort.
i am a soldier. i have fought through my life since the day i was born. i was not allowed to show weakness, i was not allowed to make mistakes; i had to be perfect, i had to be strong.
a person can only be strong for so long, and once my strength ran out the trauma set in. how could i be strong if i couldn't stand up to my own parents? how, if the only strength i'd learned had come from empty whiskey bottles and cigarettes?
you're just like your mother.
i don't hear her approach — she walks with lighter steps than me — but i feel her hand on my arm, it's cool on my hot skin.
she tries to turn me around so she can embrace me, but i keep my face turned away.
i think you're beautiful, no matter what.
she knows i don't like letting people see me break like this, knows that i hate feeling weak, and yet i let her see me like this anyway.
her fingers wipe away the tears, but they just keep falling. she hold me, keeping the pieces of me that want to fall apart held together. through it all, i feel bad for letting my nose run on her shirt.
i'm here. i'm never going anywhere.
it's late at night, she's holding me in our kitchen, keeping me from falling apart. we should be asleep in our bed, but we aren't. i should be holding her, being strong for her, but i'm not.
it's late at night, and for the umpteenth time, i find that she is my strength. she keeps me going, makes me want to be better. like a glimmer of light in darkness, she gives me hope, courage to keep going and find the light.
she is the light. our dark home is illuminated by her; she glows and brings shelter from the dark without even knowing. where i am dark, she is light. she is my balance, my sanctuary, my home.
i love you, Abigail.
it's late at night, we're in our bed wrapped in each other's arms. our breathing hold the same rhythm, our hearts thudding softly. we are strong, we are safe; all is right.
i. how to fall in love
watch her. see the way her eyes crinkle at the side when she laughs and how perfect her smile is. pay attention to the way she acts around the people she cares about; you'll find that she'd do anything to make them happy. notice the subtle way she'll speed up her words when she's talking about something she's passionate about. study the way she holds herself and the way she walks—like she's ready to face anything. observe how she talks to those that are superior to her like their equals, and with the utmost respect. be aware of the way she looks at you—like you are a living embodiment of a goddess. memorize the precise movements of her hands when she puts her hair up and takes it down. watch the way she lights up whenever she sees you and you'll know you're in love.
ii. how to fall in love
listen to her. hear how adorable the sound of her laugh is. note the way her voice changes with her emotions. dwell in the steady rhythm of her heartbeat. succumb to the sound of her breathing and the little noises she makes while she sleeps. drown in the honey sweet sound of her saying that she loves you. know how her footsteps sound when she walks down the hallway at school. be aware that she would say anything to hear your laugh. hear the way she comes to your defense when people are talking bad about you. listen to the way she says your name like it’s a word she will never get tired of repeating and you’ll know, she holds you in the palm of her hand.
iii. how to fall in love
be with her. when it’s late at night and she’s crying because she thinks she isn’t good enough for you, convince her otherwise. when she has her arms wrapped around you begging you to stay, stay with her. on her good days and her bad days, be with her. through thick and thin, never leave her side. hold her hand. walk with her through hell and back. show her off. make her your queen. let her know that you’re so happy she’s with you. hold her with every chance you get. always tell her how much you love her. promise to stay by her side forever and mean it. never take advantage of her trust. be understanding. be her shelter from life’s storms. protect her. take care of her. worship her. above all, just be with her and you’ll know you were made for each other.
i. if we were goddesses
i would be Dike. my moral would me a moat as wide as an ocean that could drown even the best swimmer with its current. my fortress would be a dark, towering mass with bells that deeply toll with order. my court would be made up of the most innocent individuals to ever exist, and it would serve justice to all the monsters of the world. i would have never experienced infatuation or love; i would have been convinced that no one could love someone so isolated. the monsters of the world would quake in fear at the slightest mention of my name; and even if they tried to hide from me, i would personally find them and deliver the justice they deserve. i would be a force that could not be reckoned with.
you would be Leto. you would not be able to conceive children of your own, but every orphaned and child would love you like a mother. you would rescue any child from a bad situation and take them in as one of your own. you would be accepting of every possible trait that makes your children unique, and you would never belittle them for being themselves. you would hear every prayer of every child that you had yet to find, and you would send your unconditional love to them no matter how far away they might be. your children would grow into happy and confident adults. you would be the mother of every child in the world. you would take care of the ones that need you and watch over the ones that do not. you would never let any child know what loneliness feels like, and you would make sure that they always know that they are loved.
we would see each other for the first time when a neglected child arrives at my court. we would only share a single glance, but we would both feel the same spark. we would find reasons to be in the same place, and we would also find reasons to visit each other from time to time. we would stay up for an entire night talking; you would be the one to make the first advance. i would build upon and expand my fortress of order. you and your children would become members of my household. i would bring justice to the abusers of the children you save, and you would enlighten me on the intensity of a mother's love. we would be unstoppable together.
i. i wrote this for you
you are all that is holy and kind. you are the sound of crickets chirping on a warm summer night, and the silence of falling snow. beautiful. you are freckles of flushed cheeks and blonde hair that falls softly into your eyes. lovely. you are the pounding of a happy heart and the simplistic yet intense emotions that are felt when a hug is given after not touching for a long period of time. breathtaking. you are gentle hands that give, give give, and never take anything in return. you are feather-light kisses on foreheads for fear of awakening them while they sleep. tender. you are as sharp as a sword around some, but softer than a cloud with that one specific person. you are the stars in the sky; you are the sunrise; you are everything. you are a savior, and you are an anchor. you love and let yourself be loved. you care and allow yourself to be cared for. you are all that is holy and kind.
if this world isn't real, i don't want to wake up.
if this world isn't real, is it just a dream? or a terrible nightmare?
if this world isn't real, where is the real one?
if this world isn't real, where would you be if it weren't with me?
if this world isn't real, you don't exist.
i don't exist.
if this world isn't real, then i'm alone in another.
without you.
if this world isn't real, where is the world where i can find you?
i want to wake up in that world.
but this world isn't real, and i don't want to wake up from this dream.
shattered glass and broken bones
the devil says to me, "for which of your sins would you like to atone?
all your deceit and lying
or all of the wicked conspiring?"
"neither," i say
for this atonement will not go that way.
the devil laughs, his mouth parted in mirth
"could it be, that you are contemplating your worth?"
"what a wicked attempt at a jest
i never could have guessed
that lucifer would have a sense of humor
underneath all that stupor."
his light expression falls then
"choose for which you would like me to condemn,
for i have more souls to concern myself than your own,
souls who have lived lifetimes of grief and woe,
and even more who have experienced epic throes."
i look him in the eyes then,
and the expression i see is hollow and dim
"condemn me, oh prince of darkness,
for i have sinned beyond anything you could encompass.
i have known love deeper than any sea,
and stronger than the pull of the moon.
yes, i knew that love complete,
for my darling was so sweet,
until the day that love was gone.
she came to me in icy rage,
stronger than i could ever hope to gauge,
and ripped that love away.
oh, how i ache for her,
how i yearn for her.
but it cannot be,
for she is gone and now it is just me,
parading like a fool,
and using each and every tool
in hopes of her return.
so condemn me, father of lies,
for my love for her will live on long after i die.
condemn me, for my love is given away,
but it was not enough for her to stay."
dracula says,
"you only zing once."
a quick internet search will provide you with various results,
all of them claiming to be foolproof facts for you to consult.
"how to tell if you’ve found your soulmate,
top ten signs that they’re ‘the one’" and the like.
you’ll think it’s a gift from the gods
but let me tell you, they’re all frauds.
they won’t tell you that you’ll know from the first look,
or that it’ll steal your breath away, just like a crook.
and the first touch,
it will make you weak at the knees and grasping for a crutch.
they’ll leave those things out,
that’s how you’ll know what they’re really about.
they don’t tell you how you’ll finally feel like you belong,
or how you’ll believe that everyone else is wrong.
they don’t tell you’ll go to any great length
to protect a love of that strength.
when you see the first smile that you gave her on her lips,
and the brush of her hands on your hips,
you’ll know that this is it,
that she is your perfect fit.
she’ll say, "we are made for each other"
and you’ll know that you will never find another
more meant for you than her.
there will come a proposal,
and you’ll never feel more noble
than when you hear that sweet voice
say that you are her choice.
the other thing those facts won’t tell you,
is when the ceiling finally falls through,
she’ll find that you were never really strong enough
to stand up to your father when things get tough.
"you should have tried harder,
you should have loved deeper,
you should have cared more."
but you never stopped trying,
never stopped loving,
and never stopped caring.
they won’t tell you that you’ll hurt her,
so badly that she’ll want to forget everything that you were.
and no matter how much you beg,
she’ll turn away from you,
as if you’re a person she never knew.
all you’ll be able to think is
you should have been stronger,
you should have tried harder,
you should have loved deeper,
you should have cared more.
see, the thing your web searches won’t tell you,
the thing that no one will tell you,
and the thing that will hurt you the most,
is that not every zing is mutual.
she’ll move on so fast,
it’ll make your head spin and your heart break.
she’ll leave you behind,
and remember your every mistake.
no matter what you do,
she won’t listen to you.
because everything you did was wrong,
everything you did was never enough.
where she once made you feel strong,
now all you feel is alone.
the love of your life,
the person you were going to marry,
wants nothing to do with you anymore.
you should have been stronger,
you should have tried harder,
you should have loved deeper,
you should have cared more.
in all your life,
you’ll meet your soulmate,
and if you’re lucky enough for you to be there’s,
don’t wait until it’s too late.
dracula says,
"you only zing once,
and i did."
and i did.
our last conversation ended in a haze,
of a shattered heart and unsaid phrase.
“i don’t feel anything for you but pain”
you said, ripping open my veins.
your mouth pressed into a hard line,
you shook your head as the apologies fell from mine.
“i should have given you the respect you deserved” i said,
“i just want you to stay.”
“i still love you” i pleaded,
how could i forget about all the things we did?
true love does not disappear that easily,
but you saying that it has almost sounds teasing
as if you were looking on, but not really seeing.
i thought i’d gotten through to you then,
that you’d take me in your arms and i’d feel your heartbeat on my chin
“it’s only a joke” i hoped you say,
“i’m here to stay.”
but my hopes were crushed in your hands,
just like a weak soda can.
you got to your feet,
and began walking towards the street,
i tried to slow your leaving
by walking in front of you and pleading.
“please just let me talk” i begged,
but what i really meant was “i just want you to stay.”
“i love you so much” i cried, tears streaming down my face
“i loved you” you said, dry eyed and expressionless.
i got on my knees, i begged you to stay
you said you didn’t care, and you left anyway.
if i could see you again, i would jump at the chance
maybe even run around and dance.
it would make me think that you want me after all
because i am still completely trapped in your thrall.
what would i say to you, if we were to speak again?
would i compare you to a summer’s day,
as the great shakespeare did say?
no.
if we were to speak again,
i would tell you that i’m still completely in love with you
even after the end.
i would tell you that i still think of you everyday
and all the times that we were effortlessly gay.
i would tell you that i just want you to come home
after you’ve had your time to roam.
i’d just ask that you come back to me,
and maybe then you would truly see:
you’re everything.
but the things i couldn’t tell you,
if we were standing face to face
is that there is nothing left of me but an empty space.
a husk of the girl i once was,
the girl that you loved.
that girl is broken now,
and always wearing a frown.
but she’s really just waiting to drown
in her tears with her broken body thrown on the ground.
would you still think she was beautiful
if you could see her now?
and if i told you,
that she cringes and snarls when someone else touches her
because she doesn’t want to replace the feeling of your fingertips
tracing across her skin and her lips.
“don’t touch me” she’ll say,
leaning away from the hands reaching for her hair, just trying to play.
the thought of someone else running their fingers through it
throws her into the darkest pit.
she hates the sound of her name,
because she only wants to hear it in your voice.
she doesn’t want to feel anyone’s arms around her in embrace
because that is your place.
there are sores on the inside of her mouth
and her lips are cracked and raw,
from trying to recall the feeling of awe
that came with being the only one you saw.
her eyes no longer shine
like they did when she looked at you.
instead they are hard and dull,
and hold no trace of what once was her soul;
for when you left, you took it with you too.
her face, that was once so full of color and warmth,
is now pale and cold.
is it about these things that you want to be told?
her mind lacks the ability to focus
on anything but thoughts of you.
her eyes do not cry,
for her tear ducts have run dry
from her lack of ability to feel.
she is called heartless and cruel
by her family and her friends at school,
all because none of them are you.
she never wants to return to the places you visited together
for she does not want to replace those memories with others.
but she does not want to forget,
if only she had a drawing kit,
then she would visit every place, and capture it
alongside every memory that chooses to emerge.
in those shades of black and white,
the love you once felt would come back to life.
but that’s not what she wants,
she wants you, in the flesh
in a place where she can lay her head on your chest.
and you’ll be with her again
and you will always remain.
her body and her mind are broken,
her heart cleaved in two,
and those two halves, they still belong you.
but has she given up?
no. never.
while she’s lying bed late at night,
and her entire body is shaking in fright,
she whispers your name
wishing to go sneaking out through the window frame
to run away and find you,
in hopes that you would run away with her, too.
this girl that you loved may not be the same,
but she still loves you, and she’d gladly take the blame
of anything and everything, if it meant that you would return
for her broken heart, it still yearns.
but these are things that she could never say,
if she were to see you for the briefest moment of the day.
if you could see her now,
would you still think she was beautiful?
she refuses to take off your ring,
and never again will she sing,
for her happiness is gone;
there is nothing left.
these are things she could never tell you,
for if she were to see you,
the light would come rushing back
and she would finally feel whole again.
if she asked you to run away, would you?
if she told you she still loves you, would you say it too?
if you could see her now,
would you still think she was beautiful?
lost in the dark, reaching out for your hand
you were my light, my love, my very soul
since you've gone i can barely stand
you were the one who made me feel whole.
a breach of your trust, that ruined things for us
my heart you hold in your hands, cleaved in two.
as time goes on, my tear ducts start to rust.
do you recall, me, on my knees before you?
time will pass and your memories will fade.
if you ever walk down memory lane,
know there isn't one thing i wouldn't trade
if you offered to jump back on that train.
my dear, i am yours for eternity
even if you do not return to me.
i pray to god everyday
begging him for you to
please come back to me.
but my prayers continue to go unanswered
and my shattered heart continues to turn to dust.
again, i have ruined things for us.
why does it take losing you for me to finally see
just how much you truly mean to me?
this crumbling heart of mine is still yours
my broken soul is as well.
i am yours, and i always will be
waiting and hoping for the day that you return to me.
no matter how far we may wander from one another,
i will never belong to any other.
only you.
ii. me, the cataclysm
it's late in the evening; the work day is over, the sun has started to set. i feel no heat from the fading rays of light; it's winter and ice grips the asphalt like a long lost lover. as i wait for the heat to kick on, i can see my breath.
"i love you."
we can't afford a four-wheel drive vehicle, so we do our best with what we have. my truck is so light in the back that i have to drive slow or my back tires will start to spin and i'll lose control. i can't lose control; i have to get home to her.
"i hope you have a good day."
there's a line of cars behind me, blaring their horns and flashing their lights to try and bully me into driving faster. they could pass me, but they don't want to risk their lives either. it's snowing, and the white flakes are sticking to the asphalt and the ice. even though i'm not going very fast, i slow down even more.
"i'll be here when you get home."
i turn off the highway, the line of cars doesn't follow. i think i'm in the clear, so i keep driving at the same speed. it's snowing harder now; my headlights reflect of the falling flakes, making it harder to see. with both hands on the wheel, i stare straight ahead and try to keep my truck between the barely visible lines. again, i think i'm in the clear. i had never been so wrong.
"drive safely, please."
i don't see the out of control car until it's too late. i am the point of impact. glass shatters; my airbag goes off, breaking my nose.
"imma boop your nose!"
i feel the snowflakes as they fall through my shattered window and onto my lap. bright crimson blood is splattered on my airbag. my door is folded in on itself, and my seat is in the middle of the cab.
"you know you hate your truck."
i can't feel anything, only the cold snow. all i can think is that i need to get home to her. the authorities are there; they have to cut off my door to get me out, and once i am they leave my truck and take me to the hospital.
"call my girl."
i don't know where i am; my eyes won't open, but my ears are working fine. i hear someone talking in a hushed voice. there is a commotion. it sounds like a door is nearly flung off its hinges, and then everything is silent. there is a soft pressure on my hand, and then i hear a sob. it's the kind of sob that shakes your whole body and threatens to tear you apart.
"come here. come home."
she's here. i try to open my eyes, squeeze her hand, anything to let her know that i can hear her but my body isn't doing what i want it to.
"i'm here sweetheart."
as if something flicked a switch in my brain, i open my eyes. the light is glaring, but i only want to see her. her eyes are red, but it only makes her blue irises more vibrant. her cheeks are flushed — had she ran down the hospital corridors looking for me? her hand tightens around mine, and she stands up, pressing a kiss to my forehead. she climbs onto the hospital bed, wrapping her arms around me and holding me against her as if she's trying to protect me from the world.
"marry me, Abigail."
a sniffle, and she hugs me closer to her, careful not to accidentally bump my nose. she grabs the back of my tacky hospital gown, holding me tightly.
"i will."
it's late in the evening; we lie on a single hospital bed, holding each other and letting our emotions run free. we hold each other, knowing that if either of us begins to fall apart the other will be there to hold us together.
iii. me, the cataclysm
it's late in the afternoon; so late that it's closer to the evening. i'm seeing her for the first time after she's been gone all day. i'm irritated and upset like i always am whenever i don't get to see her. a headache is pounding steadily against my skull; it's hasn't been a good day.
she smiles at me from the other side of my rain-soaked windshield every time she passes by. my anxiety rises tenfold when she disappears completely. out in the nearly empty parking lot i feel completely exposed. it would be too easy for someone to drive by, see me, and alert my parents about where i am. with every passing vehicle, my anxiety increases.
if she doesn't come back soon, i'm going to need to leave.
i keep telling myself this. but i keep waiting, knowing that if i just disappeared she would think i'd left her for other reasons. so i stay.
after what feels like hours, she returns, smiling at me and mouthing words at me that i can't make out. she tells me to follow her. i do.
i lose sight of her in the traffic, spiking my anxiety yet again. i finally see her up ahead of me at the last second, feeling as if i'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
"your mom said she doesn't know what to do with you anymore."
we're even more exposed at the new place than we were at the last. i'm constantly looking in my rear- and side-view mirrors, even when she's kissing me. if i'm seen here with her like this, i'll have my neck rung and worse.
"i'm freaking out."
as soon as i say it, i know that everything will come rushing to the surface and i won't be able to stop it. i lash out; she flinches back as if my words actually cut her. the look on her face — shock, hurt — is enough to cause physical pain in my chest; i've been too brutal.
i start my truck before she shuts the door. the wrongness of what i'd just done hits me like a ton of bricks again and again with every step she takes away from me. i shut off my truck, the only way i can think of getting her attention from inside the cab. she turns around, i beckon her forward.
"i'm sorry."
those should've been the first words out of my mouth when she opened the door. but instead i question her, as if i had any right to do so. her eyes are glassy, as if she was about to cry. she kisses me one last time before i leave, my chest aching from the shame of what i'd done to her.
i caused her that pain. i'm the reason for the look of hurt on her face. i made her question my feelings for her, whether i was truly sorry. i hurt her with my actions and my words.
i destroy everything i touch.
“ (…) i will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close… i will love you until your face is fogged by distant memory. i will love you no matter where you go and who you see, i will love you if you don’t marry me. i will love you if you marry someone else and i will love you if you never marry at all, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all. that is how i will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.”
— lemony snicket
you filled my days with love and warmth,
your presence made me feel whole
your love filled my very soul.
but now,
you’ve left and moved on
and all i feel is
broken,
alone,
and cold.
if we ever speak again, i would ask you about her
i would ask, “are you in love?”
i’m sure you would say yes,
since your devotion to her has been socially professed.
i imagine you asking me,
“are you?”
and i imagine myself answering,
“yes.” with you.
do you recall, me,
on my knees before you?
never had i put myself in such a position,
i do not even worship god on my knees
and yet for you, i would stay on them until they
crack and bleed
i would lower myself to my knees time and time again,
hitting the ground so hard i’d feel the impact in my hands
splitting open my knees soft caps, time and time again
scarring and bruising until that is all that was left
i would do this for you,
only for you,
and yet that still isn’t enough.
— kwa ajili yako. 27/366
my family asked about you today,
what was i supposed to tell them?
the truth,
that you won’t speak to me?
that you act like we never knew each other?
would i tell them that i’d forgotten how just how blue
your eyes are,
and that i can’t recall the sound of your voice
or your laugh,
no.
i’d told them you were doing well,
– as if i know that you are –
that you are enjoying your classes,
– i assume that you are –
and that you are the happiest you’ve ever been,
– i know that you are –
but what i didn’t tell them,
i’m still waiting,
hoping,
praying,
for a miracle.
— kwa ajili yako. 28/366
i can’t sit on my parents’ couch without thinking
of you,
i can’t do anything, really,
without having some thought of you.
i miss you.
that is all.
— kwa ajili yako. 29/366
why is it that when i look at her,
i’m still wishing for you?
why, even though i’m with her,
i still think of you all the time?
and when we kiss,
i’d rather be kissing you.
this is what you’ve done to me
i cannot look at someone without seeing their
similarities to you,
i cannot be with someone new without missing you.
you never gave my heart back when you left,
so all i feel is the emptiness of where it should be,
where i should be...
...with you.
— kwa ajili yako. 57/366
all that i have left
are messages sent on airplane mode
confessions of how much i’m missing you
and how much you still mean to me
i have so much repressed anger
and nothing to do with it
so i take it out on myself
the way things ended kills me more and more everyday
and this hole in my chest is only getting bigger
i’m scared that one day it will swallow me whole
and that i will be lost forever
without you
we’ve both learned so much
and over a year has passed
i believe we could do better
that we could make each other happy again
if only we were to try
but that’s not what you want to hear
you want me to move on
to move forward
like you have
but i can’t
the only future i’ve ever seen is with you
so i’m stuck here
waiting for you
waiting for a miracle
come home.
— kwa ajili yako. 61 / 366
why am i still missing you,
when you obviously aren’t missing me?
i tell myself everyday
i still feel this way because
you are going to come back,
because i would’ve been over you by now
if you weren’t going to come back.
my soul still aches for you,
does yours ache for me, too?
i yearn to ask you:
are you coming home?
are you coming back to me?
the answer does not matter,
i know that i’ll wait for you forever.
— kwa ajili yako. 67 / 366
i still wear your t-shirt to bed.
i still keep pictures of you on my wall.
i still have your ring on my finger.
i still almost call you multiple times a day.
i still want to text you and tell you that i miss you.
i still dream of you coming back.
i still wake up crying after those dreams.
i still have hope.
i still look for you in every crowd.
i’ve stopped praying for your return,
to see if my feelings would fade like yours
but they’re still here,
strong as ever.
i’m still here.
i still can’t listen to certain songs
so i skip over them to avoid the pain.
i’ve made a playlist of everything i wish to say to you,
but it’s no use, really.
i still miss you.
i still want you to come back.
i can’t look at the color blue
without thinking of you.
i try to block out my thoughts of you,
but they always find their way through my defenses.
i try to not dream of you,
but you’re always there when i lie down to sleep.
i wish i could know what the future holds
so i could know if this is all for nothing
or if my sense of hope is for something
because
i still wait for you.
i will wait for you
even if it takes forever.
— kwa ajili yako. 93 / 366
i dreamed of you last night.
you were drowning,
trapped with your head under water.
i saved you,
pulling you out so you could breathe
you hugged me
and we both cried.
after, we were glued to each other’s sides.
so my question for you is this:
do you feel as if you are drowning,
as if your head is trapped under water
and there is no way to get to the surface?
if so, here’s my answer:
i can only save you if you let me.
so let me.
— kwa ajili yako. 112 / 366
i’ve been having nightmares
visions of catastrophes
they find their way into my daytime thoughts
weighing me down with their possibilities
convincing me that they will become reality
i’m terrified that i’m going to lose you
in one way or another
only a few days ago i’d convinced myself you were going to leave yet again
and today i’m carrying the fear that your life will end.
i’m afraid that these nightmares are going to come true
and that i am going to lose you
i have the overwhelming urge to keep you by my side
i feel that is the only way i can ensure your safety
and having you so far from me now frightens me
i can’t see you, or touch your skin
sometimes i convince myself this is all a dream
that you’re not really here,
that you didn’t actually come back,
and that i’ll just wake up and i’ll be alone,
without you, again.
— kwa ajili yako. 188 / 366
shattered trust and bloodshot eyes
hurt feelings and a loathsome guise
i take your hand
i am willing to rebuild
because without you
i am standing in an open field
reteach to me to love you
in all the ways you deserve
and let me learn new ways
to have my voice heard
we can do this together
you and i
rebuild our forever
together.
