The Problem Solvers discussion

Rules:

°1. Be kind
°2. Anyone can comment.
°3. Don't spam too much
°4. Feel free to criticise me, just don't completely destroy me. In other words, don't express your hate too fondly.
°5. Yo, be yourself at all times. You're an original. Never forget (I don't know... I was trying to be inspiring)
°6. It's okay to be emotional, just know I'm not always good with handling them.

dorinnn

Emmmmiiiilllliiiiooootttttjjjjjeeeee

emi works xD

Hopes/Dreams For Journal and About Hiatus

(view spoiler)[ So, I'm just gonna get started. My goal for this journal is to try and update it every single day. Now that's been a problem for me in the past with other journals I've had/ have. I'm hoping to keep this journal positive and full of life, even when I'm talking about my problems instead of getting so negative and sad where nothing I say makes sense. Again, these are hopes and I don't know how true their going to get. Some of you who have either talked to me or read my other stuff know that next month I'm thinking of taking a hiatus. I'm still planning on doing that. The thing about this journal is I'm going to still try to get on it everyday because I think it will help me.

I'm going to talk about why I'm taking a hiatus since I haven't told the complete truth. I've said things like "it's my last month of school" and "I'm trying to fix myself," and both of those are true but there's also a lot more to it.

When I first joined this group I made comments in the problem section that I regretted. Most were unseen as I deleted them right after I wrote them, but more than once the comment had been me saying I wanted to die. Honestly, that wasn't right of me to put but it was a nagging thought and I didn't know how to ask for help, I just knew it was a problem that I felt that way. I had been able to fight off that thought for awhile, but then in December I couldn't take it anymore. The thoughts had gotten so much worse, they were so loud and everyday they kept getting more awful until finally one day I snapped and tried to kill myself. I had been trying to drown myself. I stopped when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. I regretted trying, I regret trying.

Later that night I was trying to fall asleep and couldn't. That's nothing new considering my problems with sleeping. I kept feeling like I was still drowning and I kept wondering if I should talk to someone about it, if I should have told my mother. I didn't tell anyone and just allowed myself to regret and grieve over it. In January I said I was going to take a hiatus which I failed at doing. In January, I also met a friend who cheered me up and I ended up feeling somewhat helpful by being "helpful." There were a few days that month where suicidal thoughts were likes flies that never died, constantly buzzing in my ears, and that person saved my life by both doing and saying things.

In either the middle of January or the beginning of February my older sister found out what I did. She actually found out on my other journal and we talked about it. She helped me go through and delete stuff. If you read that journal from the beginning and saw what I posted, I'm sorry. The journal is much prettier and cleaner now, btw.

I also have another journal where most of my posts were sad so I deleted all of them and then left that group which now is making me sad because that was like one of the first groups I had ever joined on Goodreads.

Anyways, back to the point. You're all probably wondering why I told you all that information. I wanted to try to give an explanation on why I'm taking a break from Goodreads. I've just been really depressed for awhile and I need to take a break so that I can feel like Goodreads is there to make me happy, not something I have to go on. I haven't been wanting to do anything which is really hard since I love roleplaying. I haven't felt like answering and each time I do, it just feels draining. I think a break might help with that. So there's why I'm leaving. (hide spoiler)]

Wednesday April 19th Day Update

(view spoiler)[ Alright so each day I'm going to try to choose a topic to talk about and have a daily update. Above was the topic and here's the update. Now because it's late I'm going to go over it in quick bullet points.

• Math State Test :( BUT IT WAS MY LAST ONE SO YAY
•Social Studies Class- reviewed with loud class
• Art Class- finally got to next part on my project and Alessia Cara was chosen for grid drawling
• Ronan x Adam shipping
• Gansey x Blue shipping
•RAVEN CYCLE FANGIRLING
• Language Arts Class- PRESENTATIONS....SO SCARY YET I DID GREAT!
• Lunch- people took over my usual table so I had to go somewhere else
• Science- Meh. Brain pop, other videos.
•STEM- sketching unit continued
•Math- We played a game and I was stuck in awkward conversation
•went to sister's classroom twice, both unsuccessful for textbook
•Home
•read friends story on bus
•Me hung out with older sister for a little bit
•Me took nap
•Sister's fighting
•Ate French Toast
•Finished homework
•watched tv
•went on goodreads (hide spoiler)]

⛄⛄Emiliootjee⛄⛄ wrote: "emi works xD"

Okay! I just liked spelling out your name with extra letters cause I'm a strange one :D

Awkward Conversations

(view spoiler)[ Ever had an awkward conversation or two... Or a billion? Well, I certainly have. It's even worse for people with anxiety, at least I think so. So today my topic is going to be awkward conversations. Yesterday, in my math class we were playing a game and we were allowed to choose our partners. Well being a shy child I didn't go looking for a partner, but somebody came up to me and was like "I'm going to be your partner because I can tolerate you" and I was just like okay. My problem had been solved! Well after the teacher had showed us how to play the game and everyone went off to play it, my partner tried to create conversation, something I'm not really good at. And he was like I just thought you'd like to have a conversation and I replied with yeah...but I'm not good at conversations. Also he had given me a compliment on my presentation because he'd also been in my language arts class, and my ego went wack but my reserved self was like uh oh, a compliment, whatcha gonna do? Well I was like you too, but I could not remember his presentation at all. So as the conversation continued I kept trying to think of what it was. And omg today in science class (since we have more classes together than I thought) he walked up to my seat which I'm like right in the front so it wasn't far, before class vegan and he was going to say something.

He said: I was going to say something, but now I forget. It was going to be something funny.

And I was just like okay... and then I laughed and he walked away. Little does he know that was like the funniest things I heard today.

OH! Speaking of funny stuff I have a story about Crusho, but that's for a different journal :D (hide spoiler)]

Thursday April 20th Daily Update

(view spoiler)[ So today was a pretty okay day. I'll give it a nine out of ten rating. Here's a basic over view of what happened today:

•School- classes were meh
•Art and Math- SLO tests
•My sister's class was in my class and she brought up Crusho-_-
•My friend figured out who Crusho is and said he wasn't cute and that my sister and I needed to fix our definition of cute :D
•I gave someone advice about boy problems :/ I've got no experience so I don't know if I did good or not.
•Got Homework to do. Haven't even started.

So that's basically it for my day and yeah daily awkwardness is kinda my thing now. (hide spoiler)]

Blame

(view spoiler)[ So today's topic is going to be pretty random for at least 95%, if not all of you get so get used to it because this will probably happen a lot. Today's topic is about blame. Also, I'm going to warn you, if you the type of person who reads/hears someone else's pain and you start to feel it... I can't think of the word right now, but yeah if your one of those people it's probably best you don't read my entries. I'm working on loving myself, but there's a lot of self hate along with all my problems so yeah. Even if you're a friend of mine, you don't gotta read my problems. I swear I'm a mess. So you've been warned now let me get started.

Right now, I'm at a point of my life where I blame myself for almost everything. I feel like some advice I tried to give a friend might have actually led her to being so hurt and stressed. She's helped me but I feel like I'm not there for her. And if I were to say that to her she would probably say it's fine but I don't feel like it is.

I also feel like I should blame myself for all the negativity, even though I'm not the only one who brings it. I can't help but blame myself. I also feel like my depression is some contagious sickness that I keep spreading to my family and friends. I also feel like I should blame myself for doing nothing, for getting so lazy. I blame myself for wanting to leave Goodreads and just everyone behind, for running away saying that this "hiatus" is to "help" myself.

I blame myself for not trying harder to keep the friends I wanted because I knew nothing lasted for forever and I didn't want to b hurt. I blame myself for being so careless, so reckless with my words. I blame myself for having emotion because damn, I don't deserve them. I blame myself for being so selfish. I blame myself for hating myself. I blame myself for having suicidal thoughts. I blame myself for letting myself write these posts and show you my pain because you don't deserve it.

I blame myself for speaking. I blame myself for not speaking. I blame myself for having so many problems, for worrying everyone that cares. I blame myself for everyone's stress. I blame myself for being unhelpful, for not being able to inspire.

You see, I blame myself for all this and so much more. Some of these things are my fault and some of them aren't, but my mind doesn't care. It absorbs all the blame it can. (hide spoiler)]

Friday April 21st Daily Update

(view spoiler)[ Today was okayish until I came home and found myself pushed to the ground by Depression, sobbing uncontrollably. I don't get why. Today was alright. Everything was fine. But then just suddenly it wasn't anymore. (hide spoiler)]

Rants cuz I'm bored and thinking about stuff

(view spoiler)[ Today's topic is more of a rant. I'm so tired and yesterday I slept so much, but I just feel really tired still. Plus, I'm sick with a major headache and I have an earache too. My eyes keep watering and my throat is hurting. I've been trying to be more productive, more positive because I think it's just my mental health messing with my physical health, but I don't know. Also, lately it's been hurting to move. I try to ignore the pain and to get over it, but it's hard and I just can't. Also, don't reply to anything I say today. Please? I'll randomly get in moods like this. Sorry. You can still comment, just not about my problems :D <- my face trying to be cheerful.

Oh, and also my sister hurt her finger. My mom had Bill, her boyfriend, look at it and he was like it's all in her head. How is it all in her head when it's literally bruised and like turning a different color??? I don't freaking get it. She's going to the doctor tomorrow, but still. This isn't the placebo affect. Something's actually wrong.

Oh and do you want to know something horrible? Well if you're reading my life problems, I guess you do. So my sister like maybe last week or so was caught by the school for having "suicidal thoughts." Well my mom thinks she's doing it for attention and told me and my younger sister that we shouldn't tell my older sister (not the one with the thoughts) because she'd get angry. But then I was talking with that sister and she thinks so too, but she's not saying anything because she doesn't want too look like a bad person. My sister with the thoughts said she was hearing people say she should die, people who aren't actually there I believe. And I want to be able to help her, but if I knew how to help, wouldn't I have helped myself? Oh, I haven't even said the horrible part yet. Yeah so my mom was on the phone and I overheard her talking about how the only reason she hadn't sent my sister to the hospital was because she hadn't tried anything. So when she said that I felt even worse for the fact that I tried.

Also I was freaking flipping out on the bus when I found out something entirely different from my younger sister on what happened because my sister hadn't had time to tell me everything. I was so worried. She had told me "they'd get her help" and like how was I supposed to know what that meant when my other sister added on that she had "suicidal thoughts." And I want to believe her but I also don't. I just want her to be okay but if she was lying I don't think it'd be possible for me not to get angry.

She's never shown that she was suicidal before that day, but she has watched Thirteen Reasons Why lately and that's why they think she's doing it for attention. But yeah, whatever.

Hmm, what else should I rant about? Oh yeah, I'm behind. On my writing word count, on my reading goal, on life. Next month I'm planning on taking a break from Goodreads, but I'm not sure how helpful that'll actually be.

Also I literally need to fix my sleeping life. I'm supposed to be getting medicine, maybe next month or so. I hope so. Also, next month I'm getting an allowance. What should I buy?? I love spending money. :D

Next month is also my birthday!!! Yay!! How old will I be??? Hmm.... OH! Five, duh! (hide spoiler)]

Saturday April 22nd Daily Update

(view spoiler)[ This will probably be short because I have done much.
•Goodreads
•Animal Crossing
•Coffee
•Writing
•More Coffee
•Writing
•More coffee
•Goodreads
•Thinking + Ranting (hide spoiler)]

how to keep a journal nice and compacted xD

Thanks, I try :D

Random Things

(view spoiler)[ So for today's topic I'm kinda just going to write whatever pours out because I'm in that kind of mood. So here I go....

• Years ago when you told me you looked up to me I wanted to cry because that meant a lot, but now as I'm thinking your words through. Repeating your sentences hundred of times I'm beginning to wonder if I should have stopped you.

• I'm not the same girl I was when you told me that you wanted me, that you loved me. I've changed. I've grown. I never did understand why you loved me, but now as I've fallen fr somebody else I understand how you feel. Still I don't love you.

• I am not brave. I'm more of a coward than you'll ever know. I am not fixed or healed or mended I'm still broken into tiny fragments, but I'm trying to grasp every positive moment I can.

•I have never seen true love. I've read about it in books and seen movies and shows and animes, but I have never seen it. Maybe it's one of those things you have to experience in order to believe it. Or maybe because I've seen so much broken love that I'll never recognize my true love and that when my friends talk about true love it'll always be hard to listen because how can a girl who every ounce of love she's ever seen looked fractured in one way or another believe that there is someone who could truly love you forever?

• Maybe this sadness will never leave me alone. Maybe it'll be there forever. But that doesn't mean I have to let in win. (hide spoiler)]

Sunday April 23rd Daily Update

(view spoiler)[
•Create plan to buy list. (Remember magazine bowl)
åGoodreads
åHomework
•Clean bathroom
•Animal crossing
•Pokemon
•Final fantasy
•Finish sge handbook
åWrite
•Type up words (hide spoiler)]

Meh, I missed a day

(view spoiler)[ So there goes my goal of posting daily I guess. I just couldn't most yesterday. I was hardly on Goodreads too. Literally yesterday I don't even know what I was feeling. I didn't feel well and I didn't feel like talking to anyone and yet I kept doing it over and over again, just kept talking. Have you ever had a headache and every single noise bothers you? Well that's how I felt yesterday. So this wasn't really a topic, but whatever. (hide spoiler)]

Monday April 24th Update

(view spoiler)[ Meh. I did school stuff, then homework, then I ate some Ramen Noodles, then I made some coffee, then I watched Criminal Minds, then I made more coffee, then I made another bowl of Ramen Noodles, and then I read and then I went to sleep. Oh I also played Animal Crossing and some Mario game and was on goodreads for a few minutes. That is all. (hide spoiler)]

Nap time...please?

(view spoiler)[ I am so tired in case you can't tell from my topic title. This won't be long because of that reason. Plus, I had to do one for yesterday too. Ugh, I'm annoyed with myself about that. Anyways I have lots of homework and a headache so I'm going to ignore the world and take a nap. Hopefully I can. I wish falling asleep was easier for me. (hide spoiler)]

Tuesday April 25th Daily Update

(view spoiler)[ So all I've done today is be at school. I sat in the gym for two hours while the 8th grade tested and got far in the book I started yesterday. So yeah, that's all. NOW FOR A NAP!!!! (hide spoiler)]

hi erin

Hello!

Emotions + Feelings

(view spoiler)[ AHHHHHH!!!! OMG OMG!!! EMOTIONS ARE FEELINGS AND FEELINGS ARE WEIRD. So Crusho, a guy I sorta maybe mightish like, didn't have a date to this dance that takes place on May 12th (my birthday btw) and I thought/think he has a girlfriend so that confused me. Well I wasn't planning on asking him since I'm trying to convince myself I don't like him, and I didn't ask him. Um, but I kept thinking about it and after math my friend told me I looked a little out of it so I blamed it on my headache. But my sister and I had been planning on going together but no we're not even going so it's like I was so hopeful to spend a wonderful night with my sister at a dance and just be foolish there, and now we can't go because my mom's boyfriend works that day. (hide spoiler)]

Wednesday (The worst day of the week) April 26th Daily Update

(view spoiler)[ •School
•Crusho Moments
•Texting Friend
•Feeling meh (hide spoiler)]

The Tears Just Fall

(view spoiler)[ I am sad, just a heads up. Today's topic is just me talking about my sadness so yeah... So I'm sad and I don't really have a reason for it, I just know I am and it seems like even though I keep trying so hard I always feel like shit. My eyes they hurt so much from crying and they sting and yet I keep crying. I don't feel like doing anything anymore and I use to go to Goodreads to feel happy but lately it seems like my depression is so bad that it doesn't even work. I constantly feel even more stressed and it's starting to affect some of my problems. Like literally sometimes I can't reply to a person because my anxiety acts like a blockage and I have someone who wants me to read something and then somebody else who wants me to read something, and I just can't. I owe my friend a song from like five weeks ago and I can't write it. My friend who I haven't talked to in awhile just asked me how I am on Messenger and idk how to respond. I'm sad and terrible but I don't want to say that so instead I'll say I'm alright. There I said it. It's been a month since I haf last talked to her, but it's also been a year and four months for people I can't even contact and so there's that. I miss her so much. I keep missing old friends. Also something terrible happened yesterday? My friend Hannah and I were talking about stuff and somehow we got on the topic of friends where I told her most of my friends stop being my friend after a year of hanging out because we just drift apart and she said that that wouldn't happen with us. But I've heard that before and now I'm just thinking, what if it does? (hide spoiler)]

Thursday April 27th Daily Update

(view spoiler)[ •School
•Tears
•Messaging
•Goodreads (hide spoiler)]

You can shine after falling

(view spoiler)[ I am so so so happy today. So yesterday I was kinda sad and stuff but today I'm doing pretty great. Today's topic is something I can't really title. Today's topic is about how after being hurt or down you can get back up and rise and be okay again and shine. You can shine so brightly, just don't give up.

So yeah... Let's talk about stuff. Bad things will always happen in life, some worse than others and they might tear you apart. They might be your constant thought and you might feel like you're sinking and that everything now feels impossible, and life might suck for you. But here's the thing you can make it better, you can get through this and yes it will get harder but you can make it through. You can discover your happiness and what or who makes you feel happy.

Happiness isn't always easy to find, but it's not impossible. It's everywhere, just small and difficult to see but it's there. You can be happy. There is no key or lock, there's just you. Your in charge of your happiness, don't let others control it. (hide spoiler)]

Friday April 28th Daily Update

(view spoiler)[ Field Trip. Goodreads (hide spoiler)]

Slipping

(view spoiler)[ I am slipping, falling. Slowly but yes indeed it is happening. I thought I was fine, but now I'm feeling sure. Why do I allow others to let me doubt myself of what I thought was real? Is it bad that sometimes I am glad that my family is poor and starving because if we can go long enough without food perhaps we will just all die together? Is it bad that I hate myself and I'm saying goodbye to a place I love? Is it bad that I know all of these comments I'll regret in the future and yet I still write them? In the future I'll delete these and then I really will be a forgotten siren only I won't have the beautiful voice that lures people in. Is it bad that I don't want to update this journal everyday because I want to just be forgotten? Is it bad that I'm posting my problems here, but never looking for a solution? I could posts post on the problem sections but where do my prob!ems fall and how do I explain a problem that I don't even know how to? Here's my problem:I'm depressed. So how can I fix it? (hide spoiler)]

Saturday April 29th

(view spoiler)[ I breathe air and still felt like I was suffocating. I was alive, but didn't feel like I was living. (hide spoiler)]

GOODBYE

(view spoiler)[ GOODBYE!!! FAREWELL!!! I'M LEAVING AFTER TODAY!!! YAY!! AREN'T YOU ALL SO GLAD? I'll be gone and you won't have to see me posting depressing stuff on the internet or getting angry or having feelings!!! Yay, hiatus time!!!! I am so happy to be leaving. My friend took a hiatus and it's made her happy, maybe I'll find happiness too... Idk anymore. Love y'all! See ya next time I decide to post (hopefully tomorrow) (hide spoiler)]

SUNDAY APRIL 30TH

(view spoiler)[ I COMPLETED MY CAMP NANO GOAL. I AVOIDED HOMEWORK. I SAID GOODBYE. (hide spoiler)]

NOTE

(view spoiler)[ I don't want to die anymore. (hide spoiler)]

Monday May 1st

(view spoiler)[ School, 11 days until my birthday, Nerdy returned but if I recall correctly we have similar time zones and she's probably asleep, there was somewhat of a family talk/pep talk that I mostly missed, thoughts of leaving friends because I don't think we're compatible. (hide spoiler)]

STALKEE

(view spoiler)[ Stalking you from a distance, always (hide spoiler)]

Tuesday May 2

(view spoiler)[ Updating thing, 10 days until birthday, awake at 12:13 am writing this :D I'll add more later

Later: school, homework, cookie, reesee with da pieces (I spelled that wrong probs), talked my problems out, feeling good (hide spoiler)]

I'm Flippen Angry (Not Pancakes)

(view spoiler)[ WARNING: LANGUAGE MAY OCCUR BECAUSE OF ANGER. SORRY PEEPS BUT I'M ANGRY. So as you can see I'm freaking angry. What is wrong with society to the point we have to go and make each other feel like nothing, like I don't even know? Honestly? People talk about how we can be anything and yeah we can. There's both a negative and a positive to that. We can be jerks and douches. We can be hurtful and terrible people and make others feel like crap. Why do we do it? Honestly I don't understand. I honestly don't. I used to call myself a bully and I wrote an essay about me being one but as I've grown up I've realized I hadn't been a bully. I hated myself over thinking that. I was so convinced I was a terrible person. You never know what a terrible person is until you meet them and some meet them too soon, others too late but the thing is every single one of us can be terrible. I used to think that I understood why others were like this but as I've grown up I have no clue. Why do we push people into their breaking points? Why do we allow our words to sting and cause others pain? Why do we act so... so stupid?
To anyone whose a terrible person: WAKE UP. WAKE UP. YOU'RE DESTROYING OTHERS. YOU'RE TEARING THEM DOWN. AND FOR WHAT? JOKES/LAUGHS? FAME? TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER? HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER TO BREAK SOMEONE ELSE? IT DOESN'T, DOES IT? BUT YOU'VE ALREADY STARTED AND NOW YOU JUST WANT TO CAUSE MORE PAIN? IS THAT IT? HONESTLY? EXPLAIN? I DON'T GET IT.
Ruining someone else's happiness is terrible. It's already hard enough to be happy without you trying to bring them down so just stop. Apologizing now will not fix anything. You can say it all you want but prove that you've changed by actions, but the thing is you haven't even wanted to change. (hide spoiler)]

Masi [That's my name] (S.B.QP) wrote: "hey hey hey"

Heyy

This Shouldn't Be A Love Letter

(view spoiler)[ How do you walk around with such confidence? How can you laugh and smile so much? How can so many people want to friend you? Why is it that I've fallen for you and that I can't seem to let go despite knowing you'll never feel the same? Why have I let my heart go and fall in love with you? Why are you my first?
Loving you has felt so beautiful and painful, and I'll never understand why. I stare at you and I gawk, but I try to be unnoticeable and so most of my time is spent begging myself to look away. And I manage to succeed at doing so, and because of that I don't have a clear description of every single detail about you. More than anything I'd love to stare into your eyes, and then memorize every single part of them so I can imagine them for a thousand sunsets.
I want to know you better. This is why I know that what I feel for you can't possibly be love because I don't know you enough to say that and I don't know love. I wish I could talk to you every single day and get to know more about you, but there are more reasons and excuses saying I can't over the ones saying I can.
I fell in love with your laugh, with your voice, with something you said, and honestly love can be amazing. Though I don't know if I should even consider this love. I hope that you'll end up happy in whatever path you take down on the road of your journey. Because even if you never love me, I hope you'll love yourself and have a good life. (hide spoiler)]

Masi [That's my name] (S.B.QP) wrote: "hey hey hey"

Heyyy

A not so quick update

(view spoiler)[ Alright, alright, alright. I know, I know. I haven't been posting an update everyday in this journal like I said I would but I've got reasons. Okay so maybe i sounds a little more like excuses but nevermind. I won't even name thn since you gotta be so rude. Okay, I'm kidding. Stop getting so offensive. I'm just teasing ya! So my hiatus went a lot different than I thought it was. I made the hiatus so I can help myself and just take a break. I think it's going pretty okay. I want to go in details on why I'm taking this hiatus though. I've tried to do this a few times before and I haven't exactly given you the whole truth yet, so hopefully I'll do that today.

Okay so one reason was that there was a lot of drama and fighting and arguing going on on goodreads and although I was involved in it myself and I was just a bystander I couldn't deal with all the negativity. It just kept sending me in a worser state of depression than I was already in, and I couldn't take it anymore.

Another reason I've decided to take this hiatus was because I needed to "fix" myself, or in other words focus on loving myself and trying to get me to be happy which hasn't been easy. Goodreads is something I love so why would I take that away when It's something I love and the things you love are supposed to make you happy, you might be wondering. Well good thought process you have. I do love Goodreads because I love reading so much, but there's also this problem I have and I don't know if it's my anxiety or if I'm just freaking out over nothing but I just had to get away. I roleplay a lot as some of you may know from either being in a group with me, talking to me about it, or roleplaying with me and I stopped replying to most roleplays at this point because I can't reply. Sometimes I force myself to ones I find necessary and then others are simple so I can just do them quickly, but some are hard and complicated and I just can't respond because I either freak out or I don't have time or I'm tired or I hate every response I've written and I've rough drafted it over ten times.

I have friends on Goodreads who I've kinda just let slip away, and I'm sorry. Honestly talking to you peoples was hard even though we'd been doing it for awhile all of a sudden it became hard and I couldn't respond.

I knew my hiatus was coming before it did and I told you guys so and there were days I decided against taking it, thinking it wouldn't help me and that it was just something I regret but it's actually been helpful.

I'm not going to be on Goodreads for the rest of the month at all unless to maybe update a book I'm reading. I'm not going to try to answer anymore roleplays, I'm sorry but it's just too hard and I can't do it so yeah... that's kindaish all I've got for today. Oooh, also my birthday is Friday so maybe, just maybe, I'll get on here and talk good about myself. It might do me good in my whole loving myself thing. Anyways, BYEEEE FORR NOWWWW!!!! (hide spoiler)]

Angry but not Hating

(view spoiler)[ I have a problem. Well actually quite a few. You see I'm kinda a mess and all that jazz and other stuff. I'm sorta angry/annoyed/frustrated and I want to rant about it but I also can't. How do you forgive someone a second time after it was so hard the first time? I can't. I just can't.

And then there's the fights and the arguments that keep happening. Honestly I'm surprised the neighbors haven't called the cops on us/reported us with how loud we've been. To be honest, it makes me miss school. I'd rather go through school and suffer with my headaches then be home and listen to them argue because it seems like every time we're together it either stars or ends in an argument.

I want my mom to be happy but she's always talking about breaking up with her boyfriend and then never talks to him about it. She's pretty much just using him until we get a new house and when it seemed like he was going to move out she flipped out on him. He was going to go after her until she slammed the door? That's a good sign, right? He was going to go after her.

Also, my family is poor and it's been hard finding enough food this month. Often this month I thought if I had actually killed myself they'd have a less mouth to feed, maybe my family would be better off without me. And then sometimes I hate myself for even being born and then I hate myself for that thought because that means I hate my little sister too and I don't.

I'm so selfish.

I might seem selfless because I want to die so they'd have more food, but that's not the case. Because even if they had more food and all it took was my life they'd still be stuck with depression.

I don't want to die. I don't. At least not really and I'm trying to get those thoughts out of my head but there are some days when their so consuming and where everything I hate about myself is gone. Yeah gone but so is everything else, leaving me as nothing.

I don't want to be nothing. I want to be happy. I want to be okay.

I want to talk about my problems, but I don't want to talk about my problems.

And I'm sick. I've been this way for months. And everything hurts so much and it's because my mental health is messing with my physical health or something, lowering my immune system or something.

I want to cry for a long time just to get it all out but my eyes hurt and I'm tired of crying.

I am afraid. I'm really scared. I wish I could explain why but I'm not sure how or what words to use. I am a writer and yet I don't want to write the words of my fears or voice my thoughts anymore.

I'm just dreadfully tired. (hide spoiler)]

Lists

(view spoiler)[ I have tried to be happy. I've tried making lists but the effect is gone. I'm pretty sure I've made over four lists by now, not counting the ones I posted on Goodreads or the notebook my sisters and I have. And the lists, all they do is make me realize how I'm too depressed to let happy things make me happy and yet I keep writing them, searching for some message or reminder that will make me happy. (hide spoiler)]

Erin, I just want you to know you are not alone. There are always people who care. If you ever want to talk, I am here.

Jenny wrote: "Erin, I just want you to know you are not alone. There are always people who care. If you ever want to talk, I am here."

Er, thanks I guess? I know I'm not alone and that people do actually care, but thanks for reminding me. And I'm good for now, but thanks for letting me know I can talk to you :)

You're welcome. And even when you know, sometimes you just need to hear it!

Jenny wrote: "You're welcome. And even when you know, sometimes you just need to hear it!"

Yeah, that's true

Am I okay?

(view spoiler)[ THANK YOU. OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING BECAUSE I NEED TO TALK. I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS AND.... none matter.

Why don't they matter?

Because even though I want to talk about them I feel like all I'd be doing is talking smack to people who don't really know what's going on. So I can't.

So am I okay?

Answer: I don't know (hide spoiler)]

Small Coffee Rant

(view spoiler)[ My last entry was pretty sarcastic. Sorry if I offended anyone. Coffee is good, you know? Maybe you disagree. Maybe you'll tell me it'll stunt my growth. Please don't. I love coffee and caffeine and I'm a child who thinks about their future more than she should and if I want coffee (which I do) just let me have it, even if it is 12:57 am and almost 1am. (hide spoiler)]

Creating Stuff

(view spoiler)[ Do you know that feeling when you've created something? If you do, great. You're done with the first step. If you don't, go create something. It's a wonderful feeling. Step two would be to praise it. Don't think of every flaw it has. Just love it.

Now isn't it beautifully amazing?

You created that. Whatever it is, you did it.

You're beautifully amazing.

Step three: recognize that. (hide spoiler)]

Missing Daily Stuff

(view spoiler)[ Hmm, why did I ever stop doing those daily stuff? I don't know but now I don't feel like doing them anymore that makes me kinda sad. (hide spoiler)]

Time

(view spoiler)[ I think I look at the time too much. Why let the clock be the thing tracking time? Why not just live? (hide spoiler)]

Snippets

(view spoiler)[ Honestly today is just random thoughts that I pull from my head (hide spoiler)]

Thief

(view spoiler)[ I know a thief and I love them. It wasn't my heart she stole but money. (hide spoiler)]

Her fault

(view spoiler)[ I hate saying it but I blame her. It's her fault. (hide spoiler)]

Blame

(view spoiler)[ I guess it's not blaming when you know (hide spoiler)]

I hate....

(view spoiler)[ I hate seeing her as a thief and how it's my first thought when I think of her

She stole. (hide spoiler)]

YOOOO

(view spoiler)[Wow, I guess it's kinda obvious how depressed and upset I got on June 15th. Two months later and here I am... I think that I've changed. I'm not just the girl who has anxiety and hates herself. I'm the energetic girl who has too many opinions who talks to her sister's friends gleefully who writes a lot and plans her future. I still haven't fully loved myself yet but I'm going to try.

Short-term goal: To be more positive.

Long-term goal: To love myself (hide spoiler)]

Tuesday September 9

(view spoiler)[ I didn't cry today. (hide spoiler)]

Special Note:

(view spoiler)[ You downloaded the Wiccan books yesterday. Read 3% of one. Today you read more. They made you feel SUPER happy. At peace. You had a good day <3 (hide spoiler)]

Stuff 🤗

(view spoiler)[ Heyyyyy I haven't posted here in forever. I'm doing okay. Well slightly. Okay not really. I'm hardly okay. I don't want to sleep at night anymore because my sister and I keep waking up late for school and i am soo fucking tired. My mom knew just how to make me feel like shit this morning to do you wanna know something? I'm not even going to take my sleep medicine anymore. I hope I die before her it'd be hilarious. (hide spoiler)]

Monday January 22

(view spoiler)[ I didn't cry today. (hide spoiler)]

J.K.

(view spoiler)[ I don't want to actually die before her. That'd be a waste. (hide spoiler)]