Support for Indie Authors discussion

Alright. I have a cover.



What I need is opinions on the blurb, my current bane. This is what I have so far:

The relics of Old Earth lie abandoned under a shroud of radioactive dust. Once bustling cities are now hostile, uninhabitable wastelands stalked by the remnants of humanity's deadliest enemy.

When his small team of salvagers is contracted to retrieve an unknown artifact, Ilia Alekov and his crew must brave radiation hazards, crazed insectoids, and ruthless mercenaries. But is the payoff worth the danger?

I kind of like this, definitely gives the dystopian/post-apocalyptic/zombie wasteland vibe right away. It is a little bit short, only 63 words, so you might want to consider increasing it just a tad more, although it does say what you want already.

I have some suggestions:

How do you feel about replacing "stalked by" with "infested with"? It sounds wrong to me to say the cities are stalked by...something.

In the second paragraph, the word "contracted" made me pause. Could you use "hired" instead? Also, instead of "unknown" I might use "mysterious" or "powerful" or "valuable"; unknown makes me (I'm picky) wonder how they know about something that is unknown?

I don't love the list of "radiation hazards, crazed insectoids, and ruthless mercenaries". It feels like you already hooked me on the "remnants of humanity's deadliest enemy" (I'm assuming those are the insectoids...) and I think you should leave it as a mystery. Also, I suppose Ilia and his team are doing this just for money, but maybe a little tease about why they are risking all of this? How about this as a new starting point for P2:

"When his small team of salvagers is hired to retrieve a mysterious artifact, Ilia Alekov and his crew must brave the dangers of Old Earth and avoid ruthless mercenaries. The reward will be high, but is the payoff worth the danger?"

I'm getting wordy, but you could potentially offer a final sentence on how the artifact ties into the story if it is possible to do so without revealing too much. Why is it so important to find this item?

Hope that is helpful.

Well the story is only 7000 words give or take, so I didn't want a disproportionately long blurb.

How's this for a reworked P2?

"When their small team of salvagers is hired to retrieve a mysterious artifact, Ilia, Lacey and Andrew must brave the dangers of Old Earth as they pit wits against ruthless mercenaries and uncover a dangerous political scandal. But is the payoff worth the danger?"

I like that new P2. I might say "match" wits instead of "pit" wits, but either way. And instead of political "scandal", which doesn't seem dangerous to me, could it be a dangerous plot against someone, or a dangerous political adversary? Scandal just seems a little soap opera to me. I really like how you listed the teammembers' names, which engages me more with them right away. I also like that there is more to this than just a reward or payoff for the team.

Maybe you could hint a tiny bit more about why the worth of the mission is in question. I agree that the blurb should not get close to the short story, but for my taste "Go there, but is it worth it?" is a bit generic. I don't see why I should pick your book over another one. Convince me :)

I like the blurb, it's short, descriptive, and to the point, and I like the cover. Just one suggestion: hostile and uninhabitable are sort of the same, and incorporating Eric's comment about the word 'stalked,' it could be changed to something like:
Once bustling cities are now hostile wastelands preyed upon by humanity's deadliest enemies.

One additional suggestion about 'insectoids.' It's almost too qualifying or generic so if they have a name you might think of using it. Like in the SF classic, The Day of the Triffids, they gave the nemesis a specific name.

M.L.: they do have a specific name (Tefreki), but it felt weird using it without telling the reader what they are.

Anyways. With the suggested tweaks blurb now looks like this:

"The relics of Old Earth lie abandoned under a shroud of radioactive dust. Once bustling cities are now hostile wastelands preyed upon by the remnants of humanity's deadliest enemy.

When their small team of salvagers is hired to retrieve a mysterious artifact, Ilia, Lacey and Andrew must brave the dangers of Old Earth as they pit wits against ruthless mercenaries and uncover a dangerous political plot. But is the truth worth their lives?"

I'm a fan of the rewrite. Do they uncover that plot or stumble over it? That's all I've got. Nice work.

Melonie wrote: "I'm a fan of the rewrite. Do they uncover that plot or stumble over it? That's all I've got. Nice work."

A... Bit of both?

Melonie wrote: "I'm a fan of the rewrite. Do they uncover that plot or stumble over it? That's all I've got. Nice work."

Also, thanks!

I was a fan of version 1, but after reading the comments and getting to version 2 I think you've just about nailed it. Concise. Punchy. Color me intrigued! Great job. I can't think of any more changes to suggest.

I think v2 is a go :)

Hi. Would readers/writers here be willing to go over another blurb?

Jeffery wrote: "Hi. Would readers/writers here be willing to go over another blurb?"

Start a new topic thread and I'll take a look!

Thanks, Frances. But I thought I had started a new one. I'll look around and see what. I can find to click on. Ciao,

Nice. Perfect.