Support for Indie Authors discussion

Deciding between two blurbs. Could I have some advice on which is better:
First One:
Young Dalliance is a woman of humanity's last generation. Her life is filled with the consequences of a malfunctioned genetic engineering that left much of the population dead or malformed and took away her mother's wellness. Its a life filled with beloved, holographic masks that hide imperfections to make people equal and puppeteers that can mind control people over a neural network. An existence also containing such sights as the lovely and custom-made chimera-brides whom offer companionship to the unloved. A place where Dalliance, due to being in an impoverished state, feels she must rent out her capable womb and sell her unusually-healthy body parts to alleviate financial concerns and to help create a new generation of healthy children. A world where she despairingly-learns that perhaps not all things should be for sale.

Or two:

Dalliance has lived her whole life in a world where its illegal to show one's face and it must be under a holographic mask at all times in order to curb appearance-based discrimination and make all people equal. She could not imagine anything more terrifying than to be de-masked or to live a life where some people are allowed to be treated as arbitrarily better than others...

I would take the first two sentences of 1 to start 2 so:
"...away her mother's wellness. She has lived her whole..."

Its = possessive form of it. It's = contraction for "it is".

They're both good. The first is better as it gives a fuller vision of the story. I would be tempted to lose the line, "An existence also containing such sights as the lovely and custom-made chimera-brides whom who offer companionship to the unloved." It seems to stray from the main plot of the book.

Not sure about the dash between "despairingly" and "learns".

Oh. That's right about the its/it is. I wasn't thinking. I think you might be right about the chimera line distracting from the main plot. I'll look at merging the two blurbs as well as per suggested earlier.
Angel: what level of detail do you think leaves enough mystery? Just those two sentences or anything else? I think it could be shortened and with less spoilers but might need to be a little longer.

Thanks for the advice.

I'd go with two

Definitely 2. Just one suggestion:

...illegal to show one's face; where society hides under holographic masks to curb...

Just to tighten the language a bit.

I LOVE the second version. The first seemed too complex.

I agree with the others! 2 with some alterations.

I like the second blurb better. In general terms it's more intriguing and hints at things you can only learn by reading the book.

You might want to consider adding an additional little tease to the end like:

Until she finds out she has something that others want more than life.

here are some suggestions on the second version. The first provides a lot of information, but it needs a lot of editing in my opinion.


Dalliance has lived her whole life behind a holographic mask. In a world where it is illegal to show your face in order to curb appearance-based discrimination and make all people equal, deformations caused by rampant malfunctioning genetic engineering are hidden. Dalliance cannot imagine anything more terrifying than to be de-masked unless it is to live a life where some are treated arbitrarily better than others...