Pakistani Readers discussion

i started writing my own book 2 months ago but after writing a few chapters my brother told me i cant do it so i stopped somehow today after i was looking for ways to make some easy cash.i thought i should go ahead and just wright it,but before i start i wanna show you guys the first chapter and please tell me honestly whether you like it or not there might be some problems in the book but ill fix them later(its not edited yet).

Link?

ill just type it......

before starting don't point out the grammar cuz i really suck at it

Bilal wrote: "before starting don't point out the grammar cuz i really suck at it"

Hahaha no problem. I think we have all had issues with grammar at one point or another.

i was dying
i was starring at my friends with a smile on my face.this was one of the few moments i was happy this year,there i was starring at my friends when i was about to die now most will call me a weirdo but it was the happiness that sucked all the pain from the wound on my chest.i just stared enjoying my last moments as my girlfriend was crying,hurt,but still fighting with the best of her.my best friend shouting as her girlfriend pulled the arrow out of his stomach,but something still made me happy,i was dying.i was seeing flashbacks,like everyone does but mine were different from others,they weren't happy,all my life was just sad.my mom dying,my dad leaving me and my aunt beating because she was jealous that her soon wasn't as smart as me,the bully san ricardo beating me up in front of all the children,and me getting kicked by every rich brat passing the street while they see a homeless kid sleeping.i wanted to die and kill every one who never let me live in peace but what stopped me from killing myself you ask well it was my mother,when she was dying she made me promise her that i wont kill myself and i didnt argue as it was her last wish

sorry but im kind of bored so ill type the other 6 pages ten minutes later

now i wasnt killing myself i was simply dying of the sword that hit a few minutes ago.oh but im just too unlucky a memory hit me that took away all the happiness from me it was her,we were sitting at the roof of her house just talking killing the time,i came back to my senses and saw her being stabbed and then i finally spoke before dying but all i could say was "rachel".
*black out*
"lance valen" someone said behind me i turned back and it was the ugliest thing ive ever seen on planet earth "san vilcardo" i said.

i have to goto the mosque so ill cover the other part later

"you didnt pay me your club fee" san vilcardo said
"i resigned"i reply
"oh,but that option is not available in the club brother"he says
"you call that place a club,more like a garbage can"i said
"oooh"said his friends
he looked at them and then said"give me your money"
i just starred at him making straight eye contact,it was funny how san vilcardo was so old but he was still in it 9th grade,he was like 18 but he picked on the little guys"i don't have anything " i said
his expression tightened and i knew he was gonna beat me up but then someone interrupted and said 'mind picking someone your own size"it was the only friend i had _ WAS STANDING BEHIND ME he was about twice my size but he was 14 too girls thought he was handsome but his face was bruised and when he made his angry face even the bravest would flinch he was like a gun about to be shot.when san vilcardo saw him he and his buddies ran away like mice.
"good acting eh?" _ said
"yeah"i said
oh i forgot to tell you the gun is always empty,for some reason he never fights people unless they hurt him.i liked _ for two reasons
one he always had my back well... kind of,two he gave me free food,_'s mom was kind too but as she was the only bread maker in the house to feed 5 children because _'s dad was dead when he was born it was kind of hard for her too always give me food so yeah i did search garbage cans for food
"so what should we do" he says
"i dont wanna do any-"i say but i stop because i saw a sadow at the end of the street so i say"lets go to the park"

half of the chapter is left but im in no mood to wright it so you guys have to tell me how is it so far is it good is it bad?
on a scale of 1 to 5 how much do you rate it
sorry for the grammer and all the lame stuff ill fix it later

How old are you? I need to know that before I can give my honest assessment.